The HEARTBEAT is back!!!

I'm still being quiet in the back seat of God's car...still enjoying the ride. Sometimes I read. Sometimes I dream. Sometimes I write. Occassionally I'll pick up those things that are making a mess around me. It appears this may be one of those times that we are taking the longer scenic route before arriving to the next destination on God's map. The extended duration is giving me all kinds of time to think. I'm not underestimating the power of that.

So much came to me last week during the silence of the ride. I'll attempt to share some of my revelation with short analogies and conscious effort to not ramble. :)

When Jonnae was fighting for her life (and I was for mine) I used to believe I was fighting the enemy. Donning my game face, my competitive attitude, and swinging with all my might, it appeared my strategy was admirable and effective. But in the time since Jonnae's fight ended, I've had a change of consciousness. Whether called the enemy, the devil, darkness, the storm, the mountain, or adversity - it's really irrelevant to me. More important is that instead of fight, which would also be resist, I embrace whatever I choose to call it. We are only as strong as our opponent. I've never wanted an "easy win" for the sake of a W on the score card. I'd much rather earn it. I'm racking up more points by not fighting. By not resisting. By not being threatened by darkness or afraid of a storm. Climbing mountains and seeing adversity as an opportunity, not something that will defeat me is empowering. Challenge is good, it builds character. Couldn't do it without an opponent. The darker the room, the more important the LIGHT. I am an unextinguishable source of Light. God's promised me that. I trust Him. There wasn't ever a storm that Jesus wasn't able to calm. I trust Him also. I have nothing to fear. As long as I continue to work my muscles - mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual, the mountains are only going to lend themselves as experiences to build something stronger. The higher the mountain the closer I get to Heaven, as long as I embrace the climb.

Out of the blue, my inner voice guided me to go back in time to recall another time in my life when I was not enjoying the length of the ride. I had waited for what I believed was long enough, on a proposal from my boyfriend of three years. So I forced things to happen and gave an ultimatum. As a result, I can see how in the long run that decision produced conflict that wouldn't have happened had I been more patient and trusting. I love surprises. I love romantic stories. I jilted myself out of both by not allowing my husband to create the moment on his terms. Point taken from Divine Guidance. I'm more at peace with waiting on God's perfect plan now. The miraculous way He will surprise me with the growth of "Heavenly Birth" and my speaking career will yield much sweeter results than my trying to force things will.

When I mounted the stepping machine at the gym yesterday morning, the movie "As Good as it Gets" was playing. I began watching just in time to hear Jack Nicholson say, (rather defeated to a waiting room full of people),"What if this is as good as it gets?" I heard that Divine whisper within me say, "Aren't you glad you're not defeated and waiting to see? Aren't you grateful that you are enjoying the ride,embracing the journey, knowing that it's not 'as good as it gets?"

I've been like a bear, adding winter weight, sluggish with a slowed metabolism. I researched this morning to see when the bear begins to stir again. (Was just curious. :) One report said in April or May. Another said in February or March. I'm believing the latter. For I can feel myself coming back to life.

The lyrics of "Heartbeat" by Remedy Drive (words that miraculously apply to my blog here - God HUG - LOVE it!) say, "I want to wake up. I want to restart. Put the drumbeat back in my heart. I need to be revived. I want to be alive." God heard my plea and so I AM! Praise HIM!!!

Enjoying the Ride as His Obedient Child

The complexity of life continues to fascinate me. In times of impatience, frustration, and even great sorrow, I still find myself relentless in digging as deep as necessary to find the treasure that will eventually be revealed in the center of it.

I've known for some time now that I have an Attention Deficit. ( I don't call it A.D.D because I don't believe it's a "disorder") Heightened levels of awareness and belief that all challenges bear gifts, not only do I refuse to say something is "wrong with me" or I have a "disorder", for God wired me this way, I no longer try to ignore it; I work with it.

I haven't always been this way. In the past, when it was suggested that a couple of my children may be struggling in school because they showed signs of A.D.D, I wouldn't hear of it because then I did believe it meant something was wrong. I was defiant in my reaction and tucked the nonsense in a box, shoving it into the back of a closet; as if it would not ever need to be looked at again.

Weaknesses present challenges, but at the same time, in learning to deal with, or use them, we strengthen other areas. That's a good thing! I have difficulty remaining focused on any one thing for a given length of time. So what? I'm quite diverse in my talents because I've tried many things to keep me from being bored.Thanks A.D :)

I'm also Seasonally Affected (again I'm dropping the D for disorder) With the lack of color, sunlight, warmth, and signs of life that my mood is enhanced with during the other seasons, I find myself out of sorts through the winter months. November, December, and January are particularly tough months for me anyway. Add the fact that Jonnae's bone marrow conditioning and transplant took place during that time and those memories are heightened through the holidays, it's even tougher. HOWEVER, the "winter dig" has once again produced some beautiful treasure.

After weeks of struggling with discontent and want for something more; after nearly making a decision to take on a role that would have distracted me (attention deficit) from what I've been created to do, today I'm at peace. God's been at it again. Many divine connections have been made over the past couple of days and I can see the Light reflecting off of the treasure that's being uncovered. I feel as if God is running His fingers through my hair, whispering sweet words of encouragement into my ear and giving me gentle kisses on my forehead. It's BLISS!

I remember Jonnae having experienced this bliss (it's documented in detail in "Heavenly Birth") She had experienced God's presence in a miraculous way and asked me, "Why haven't I felt this before? Why can't I feel it more often?" I ask myself the same thing at times. Certainly when I was struggling the way I was. When you've had a taste of God's spiritual drink, you crave it more and more. I believe the key is to wait and trust that when He's ready He'll give us another sip.

Maybe the cup sits there and we don't realize we aren't picking it up. I bought a bookmark once that read, "If God is your co-pilot, you need to change seats". I would elaborate on that and say, "It's best to lighten your grip on the steering wheel all together, let go and just enjoy the ride." I'll never stop seeing myself as a child. It doesn't matter what age I am. My actions would still reflect that I'm nothing more than God's "lil one". I'm not sure if I was fighting God for the steering wheel, trying to control the speed of the car, or that I was in the back seat wailing, "Are we there yet? When are we going to there?" Either way, His patience is insurmountable and right now the view out the window is SPECTACULAR. My tantrum wasn't working. Just like a child, I wore myself out with the cries. Exhausted, it was if my spirit had fallen asleep. I've awoken to renewal, serenity, and grandeur. I trust the Driver. Am confident I'll reach my destination and once again am smiling with contentment from the back seat of His Car. Thank you Father!

Christmas Miracles

This year, more influenced by movies like "It's a Wonderful Life" or "The Man Who Saved Christmas" than other years, I found myself wishing to be visited by angels who would give me the peace and joy that seemingly were misplaced. After weeks of feeling discontent, I went to sleep on Christmas Eve praying for a dream like Mack was blessed with in the "The Shack" (After his daughter was murdered, he got to see her perfectly whole and happy playing in Heaven). I know Jonnae is perfect and whole. I don't really need a dream or visit from her to live my life in joy or peace. I just find myself yearning for her during the season of Christmas in ways I don't any other time of year. I need a 180 degree turn from my aching heart back to my glee filled spirit.

"Heavenly Birth" was made possible because I sat down to write what I was feeling; honestly and humbly. As a result of my sharing every experience and emotion, God revealed Himself in the most amazing ways. Often, my hand miraculously became His instrument and simultaneously He breathed new life into me and my readers. Tonight, I find myself pleading for Him to lift me once more, as I sit to reflect and share my thoughts.

I've been trying to work my way through this troubled season quietly, not wanting to bring anyone down with my heaviness of heart...spirit...whatever it is that's responsible for me not feeling the Spirit of Christmas. Knowing the answers won't come from a source outside myself, but must come from within, I've tried to be quiet and patient in waiting for some answers. Is Winter always going to be a season I'm just trying to get through, rather than one that is anticipated with great joy? My mind is full of questions, answers, and dialogue with the Holy Spirit. How can I even put all of this into words anyway? What I'm feeling makes sense. I guess one could say it's even expected. I understand it, but is waiting it out all I can do?

It's not as if I can shut off the memory of December '07; the test of patience, faith, courage, strength, and tenacity asked of Jonnae, me, and my family. I don't even want to . But is it going to take a Christmas miracle to give me the best of both worlds. I don't want to forget the gift of that experience, but how do I move through this present gift in joy? Jonnae's bone marrow transplant and iminent "Heavenly Birth" was lifechanging in a way that I'm very grateful for, but I can't reminesce about that time and not find myself missing Jonnae more than ever.

I know that I'm not to deny myself emotion. I'm not supposed to be immune to sorrow. As a matter of fact, more times than not, my soul is soaring with strength found in the fruits of the Holy Spirit and I wonder if I'm supposed to feel sorrow more than I do. (It's happening! LOL. The clarity that comes from writing is in itself miraculous; stay with me. I ask God to help me feel something I'm not feeling. Wondering if I'm blocking or suppressing emotion that humans are supposed to feel. I begin feeling that very emotion I'm concerned about not feeling and then I beg God to relieve me of it. I'm chuckling, wonder if He is smiling with me. Somehow, I'm certain He is.)

Have you ever opened a gift and not really known what it was you were holding? or have you ever not really known how much you like or enjoy a gift until you've had the chance to use it? With the awareness I've just written myself into, I find myself sitting in the Peace I've been seeking. Praise God!

Heavenly Father, You said, "Seek and you shall find". You said, "Ask and you shall receive". You always keep your promises! I've experienced Your Presence today in a way I long to experience every day. I'm thankful for those times I feel weak, for it is then that I beseech You to draw me close. The more I know You the more I want to know You. May I never get lazy in my quest to stay close to You. May my eyes always seek You, my ears always listen for You, and the door to my heart always be open for You. May I never stop longing to be a voice for You. May I never stop longing to be Your Light. May I never stop singing Your praise, bringing You glory, or loving you with ALL MY HEART! Amen!

Experiences, such as the one that happened this weekend, are impossible to portray with words but it's all I have to offer as a way to share it. Here is my feeble attempt.

I spent a lot of time on the road this week; traveling to a speaking engagement in Lexington, to an impromptu visit with Cincinnati' Children's Hospital and to a gathering of friends in Indianapolis. I'm not one who likes car travel. If it's necessary, I'd rather be reading or sleeping in the passenger seat than be the one behind the wheel. However, if there were a guarantee that every car ride over an hour would result in a conversation with God like this one, I'd make certain to be behind the wheel every day. It is that very thought of possibility that gets me in the car early in the morning to head to the gym. I've had many a powerful conversation with God in the silence of that waking hour. One powerful conversation, shared with God in the silence of their car, would propel anyone to begin their day without the radio or distractions and just listen to what His Divine Guidance has to say.

Actually my conversation with God began on my way back from the Lexington engagement. I was asking God if I'm doing His work in a way that's pleasing to Him. The inner voice answered, "It's pleasing to Him, it's you that sometimes has a hard time being pleased." As I choked down yet another piece of humble pie, disappointed with the realization that I too am guilty of trying to get to bigger and better instead of embracing the gift of where I am. (that's one of my most emphasized messages) Then as the conversation continued, I heard the prompt to go to Cincinnati Children's hospital the following day. I tried repeatedly to dismiss the thought, using a previously scheduled appointment as my excuse for why I could do no such thing. However, I've learned when I try to suppress something over and over and it keeps resurfacing, that it's not my thought at all and I better heed to the instruction. I threw up the question, "but why?" only half heartedly, for I know faith is not needing to understand, it's acting with trust and obliging. Sometimes the reason is made known, sometimes, as was the case on Friday, it is not.

I drove to Cincinnati with a few different expectations in my attempt to answer "what is this trip about?" Maybe I would uncover some emotion that needed to come up. (With strength that is surprising even to me and an immediate acceptance of Jonnae's "Heavenly Birth", sometimes people are bold enough to tell me I'm burying my true feelings. This prompts me to ask myself if I am. If so, maybe a trip to Cincinnati would expose them) No emotion surfaced. I didn't feel any queasiness approaching the hospital as I did on this very date two years ago, admitting Jonnae to the hospital for her bone marrow transplant. I thought, possibly, the reason I had been prompted to come to Cinci was for the encouragement of a family that was there now, only I was not permitted to go into the unit. (It is very high security to protect the low immunity of the transplant patients.) Nor did I see the head doctor. Another thought that had crossed my mind as to "why".

Before I ever arrived on the hospital campus, I accepted the thought that I may never know what the trip was about, but I had been obedient to "the call". Even though the possibility of no answer was accepted, I still continued a question/answer session in my head on the way back home.

If nothing else, I had shared "I GET TO" bracelets with the young men parking cars for the hospital visitors. They embraced the message and were most appreciative of the way it had already changed their day, much more their lives. I saw one of the transplant coordinators, one of the group doctors, and one of Jonnae's nurses. All surprised, yet happy to see me. I spoke with two of the receptionists who had participated in the early Wacky Wednesdays and a director who may be able to assist in activating the Wacky Wednesday program there ( maybe the "why", should we ever know :)

I wasn't able to spend time in the Vernon suite where Jonnae and I had been "quarantined" for two months. Oddly enough, I was looking forward to spending time in that space. Sadly, the hotel is no longer open for business. As I pulled into the parking lot and my eyes took in the boarded windows and vacant lot, I felt the sorrow for those workers we had become so comfortable "living" with, not because they had lost their source of income (that too), but because they truly loved to serve. It was evident from the very beginning that the people who spent their days there, would do it for nothing if they could. The receptionists, bell hops, valet parking attendants/drivers...they all LOVED serving their guests. There was no question about it.

I did visit the lovely St Monica Catholic church. On rare occassion, I had been able to attend Mass there. There was also one visit Jonnae and I were able to make, in the midst of her recovery, to visit the priest, receive reconciliation and communion, and spend some time singing and praying in the Lord's House. I thought maybe something really Divine and special would occur in my revisit to the place, one of those big giant GOD hugs, but I didn't experience it.

All of this seeking, this yearning for God to be with me in a way I have not experienced for a time, this craving, was satisfied yesterday.

Casting Crowns new CD, Until the World Hears, was playing on the stereo in the background as I beseeched Our Father. Multitudes of questions pouring from my heart and soul, with interuptions of sadness as I recalled Jonnae's and my experience two years ago. Occassionally, I caught myself leaving my own thoughts to sing along with the words of praise playing on the stereo. The bantering of questions and answers went on for a time. Then I noticed a hawk soaring up above and the thought occurred to me, maybe I just need to pay better attention and yet again surrender control of how and when this journey unfolds. Maybe my heightened awareness has become lackadaisic. And then, miraculously it happened.....an Eagle perched in a tree just off the side of the road. In a lone tree, closer to the road than most, an eagle blended in with the barren branches, watching over the passers by. Many a passenger would go by and not even see it. First I was blown away by the fact it was there. In awe, I even turned my head as I drove past to keep my eyes on it as long as possible, wanting to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing. I was blown away with the fact it was there, and blown away even more that I had seen it, just after the inner voice told me to pay better attention . Never before have my eyes, or anyone I've traveled with, seen an eagle just off the highway. Tears flowed and peace came over me. "Even when it's difficult to see me, I'm watching over you." That's what I heard God say and felt to my core. I can't capture with words, the serenity, the love, and the miracle of what transpired, but knowing that it did is sufficient for me. His Grace is sufficient for me. I don't need understanding, answers, or a plan that plays out. All I need is Him. A gift that was delivered through Jonnae and "leuk".

Remarkable Revelation

I'm continually amazed at how God takes heartbreak or disappointment and spins something amazing out of it. Early in 2009, what I once had perceived as a "dream come true" quickly transformed into a nightmare. Surprisingly, pain is an incredible teacher. It's the lessons that hurt that stick. Because of the lessons I learned through the pain of Jonnae's leukemia, I was better able to bounce back from, and embrace, the lessons contained in the pain of this year.

God's creative in the material He uses to teach me......us. Some choose to turn a deaf ear to Him. However, me personally...the more I know Him, the more I want to know Him. The more He has to say to me, the more I want to hear Him speak.

I don't imagine God getting frustrated at how long it can take me to get the lessons. Instead, I think He must find me rather amusing. Maybe He's like me and appreciates a good challenge. I don't wish to, but I surely must challenge His patience. (Thank you God for being so patient)

I'm like a child in so many ways (and amuse myself with that analogy often). Children love stories. To help me through the pain and lead me to a place of understanding, God used two stories to better teach me the life lessons I was having such a hard time getting. Although entirely different in their nature, one fiction and one not, finally, I GET IT!

When one is confident and strong it intimidates others. Instead of tapping into the power of greatness they have within themselves, weaker and less confident souls will be meanspirited and try to intimidate and hurt the one(s) they are jealous of. The Wicked Witch did it with Dorothy. Saul did it with David. As God revealed this Truth, He restored my confidence and strength. It wasn't a quick lesson; I questioned God numerous times. Part of me wanting to make sure I was understanding Him and another not wanting to believe what He was saying. As God always is, He was Patient and Loving.

Upon her arrival in Oz, Dorothy was told the Witch would make Dorothy miserable and the sooner she got out the better. It took her a while to figure out how, but eventually she reclaimed the power she had had all along (but had forgotten) and she left. Once David learned Saul did not have a spirit of God, he chose not to follow and left Saul's command. Revenge wasn't necessary, no nasty exchange took place, it was simply a time for both to move on.

I'm in awe of how God continues to mold, teach, hold, and love me. I'm intrigued by how long it can take me to get the lesson and fascinated by the way God finally gets through. This week I was ecstatic to be given the opportunity to speak at a Women in Business Luncheon at The Grand. (the location of Jonnae's Celebration of Life) I was returning to this location for the first time since that amazing day and just knew that showing the 5 minute video of Jonnae's Celebration would be the perfect way to give the Spirit of Christmas. (What I long to do not just this time of year, but every day. The Spirit of Christmas is the Love of God and to turn people on to that is my purpose and calling). Only late Thursday evening I got a call that the committee had met one last time and only wanted me to talk about what I had been up to this year.

I was devestated with the disappointing news. I wanted to give the gift of that day and the powerful inspiration that would surely come from sharing it as captured on video. How would my talking about this year and what I had been up to be a gift to anyone. As I struggled with the disappointment and reminded myself that faith is not needing to understand the reason, but to accept it as God's plan, I heard that Divine inner voice remind me I was like David.

It was then that another miraculous revelation took place. On numerous occassions, because of her battle with the GIANT known as "Leuk" and her defying the odds, I had referred to Jonnae as David (She liked it and told me to call her Davey). I have also said that Jonnae and I had become one. As I realized that we have both been called David, I feel both her and God's embrace. There is more to David's story than that of David and Goliath. I would not have learned about it had it not been presented to me through God's Living Word and the lessons He taught me through it this year. Not only has the time come for me to be strong and move on, the time has also come for me to embrace the rest of the story, not only Jonnae's as a young "David against Goliath", but mine also, as it mirrors much of David's adult life. It's an incredible story of how the test turning into a testimony. It gives the weary sinner hope and the beaten down strength.

Blessed through the pain of 2009 and how God revealed I have a 'heart like His', I can't help but wonder what He has in store for me in 2010. I guess I GET TO wait and see. :0)

Front and center in His Classroom,
Denise

Get Plugged In!

The other day I was trying to upload a picture into my computer. Normally, as soon as I connect my camera to the computer an automatic upload begins. After two hours of turning my camera off and on, checking the menus in both pieces of equipment, and even reinstalling software, I decided something was obviously broken and went to unplug the camera. The cord appeared to be plugged into the camera, but it wasn't all the way. I decided to give an extra push. The "click" happened, the connection was made and the automatic upload began.

One of the many gifts I found, in the center of Jonnae's leukemia, was God's way of communicating to us through "ordinary" circumstances. I pick up on His guidance and offerings of peace, love, and understanding in ways that I never did before.

As I realized the cord appeared to be plugged in, but was not all the way, I heard that inner voice say, "Are you sure you're plugged in?" It is this type of experience that gives birth to an investigation - soul searching if you will. It often gives me clarity, discernment, guidance, and opportunity for new growth if I accept the invitation for it.

With the soul searching that stemmed from the question, "Are you sure you're plugged in?" I realized I've been close, but not all the way. I pray often through the day (I spend a large part of my day in silence conversing with God and try not to "talk" to much, but to listen) I've lacked that connection that's made through spending time IN His Living Word. I speed read through my daily online devotions, but it's been a while since I've sat down and plugged into Scripture. I know from past experience just how loudly God speaks and how much better my day is, when I'm "plugged all the way in".

A few years ago, I had gotten into the habit of following the Catholic calendar of Scripture that is used for daily Mass. I also have embraced, at times, different Bible studies. I've decided that's only one way I'm not plugged all the way in. There are other ways. You can't execute a plan if you've not created one. My daily planning has been less than stellar. My creating a daily plan is what makes my ordinary days extraordinary. I could push myself just a tad more for the "click" to happen and the connections be made.

I've invited my family to join me in a "Last 9 of '09 Taylor Finale". 2 of my kiddos have accepted and are "plugging in" with me. They join me in morning prayer and have taken time to sit down and set short and long term goals, also creating daily plans to make those goals obtainable.
The Gospel reading for today, according to the Catholic calendar is:

Luke 14: 15 - 24
15	When one of those who sat at table with him heard this, he said to him, "Blessed is he who shall eat bread in the kingdom of God!"
16	But he said to him, "A man once gave a great banquet, and invited many;
17	and at the time for the banquet he sent his servant to say to those who had been invited, `Come; for all is now ready.'
18	But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said to him, `I have bought a field, and I must go out and see it; I pray you, have me excused.'
19	And another said, `I have bought five yoke of oxen, and I go to examine them; I pray you, have me excused.'
20	And another said, `I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come.'
21	So the servant came and reported this to his master. Then the householder in anger said to his servant, `Go out quickly to the streets and lanes of the city, and bring in the poor and maimed and blind and lame.'
22	And the servant said, `Sir, what you commanded has been done, and still there is room.'
23	And the master said to the servant, `Go out to the highways and hedges, and compel people to come in, that my house may be filled.
24	For I tell you, none of those men who were invited shall taste my banquet.'"

---

I have heard the question, "are you sure you're plugged in"? and I've heard God invite me to His table. My soul craves to be nourished by His banquet and I long to keep Him company in His Home. I will not run away from Him, but to Him. I will not ignore His questions or His invitations, I will get plugged in and feel that miraculous connection!

In Gratitude Always, in ALL ways,
Denise

Hit by a "brick"

Sometimes we hear something more than once before we REALLY hear it. Scripture, songs, parables, and even "I GET TO" can be that way. Or maybe we just GET TO hear them with a different ear to be blessed with new perspective. This story is such an example, for I've heard it before, but something new struck me this time:

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?" The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister ... please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop."

With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother. He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts and sometimes, when we are busy and think we don't have time to listen, He may even throw a brick at us to get our attention.

I remember being in my car - literally ( I truly believe it was the day before Jonnae's initial leukemia diagnosis in Sept of '05). I was having a silent conversation with myself on the way home from a paint job ( I had my own decorative painting business), "I want to stop and smell the roses. I really need to slow down so that I can appreciate EVERYTHING there is to this experience called life." God can answer us in strange, but powerful ways. "He won't do what makes us happy, He'll do what makes us His." (another one of those sayings I don't know who to credit, but has been a powerful tool for me to build with). God knew I wouldn't slow down on my own, so He hit my fast paced car (life) with a "brick" the next day.

Leukemia was the brick for me. When Jonnae left me in physical body, undeniable damage was left in her place. My dent is the hole in my heart from her no longer being with me (physically) because of it.

My broken heart has made me His! Every day I start with crawling up into the lap of God and asking Him to hold me, strengthen me, breathe new life into me and use me. Somedays I choose to stay right there in silence in His embrace all day. I don't leave the house and I stay in His Lap. Somedays He's like I am when my "big kids" try to sit on my lap. I tell them I love them, but my leg is falling asleep and they need to get down and go have some fun. I get a giggle out of thinking my Heavenly Father is encouraging me to get down out of His Lap. I know He loves me unconditionally and He assures me He's not going anywhere. Sometimes He even asks me to go throw a brick for Him. lol.

I could have never on my own, planned or foreseen the beauty of a brick known as Jonnae's leukemia. The book I've just released, Heavenly Birth is a brick. With the components provided by God, I've put a lot of love and labor into preparing this brick. It is a vivid and powerful reminder of Who I belong to, what my purpose now is, and how that came to be. It's made of pain, faith, miracles, and LOVE. When God directs me to throw it, I do. (I'm not His only easily distracted child, lol.)

I just read a new quote this week by Mother Teresa, "I'm a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world." Heavenly Birth is a brick, but it's also a love letter from God. How it strikes us, may not immediately make us happy, but it reminds us we are His.

I only have the confidence and strength to throw this brick because I am HIS! and therefore, I am HAPPY!!!

In Gratitude Always, in ALL ways,
Denise