We Get To

A Birthday Wish and the Sweetest of All Desserts!

2011-12-22T12:59:00.000-08:00

Time gets away from us, doesn't it? I said to a dear friend, "It's as if the sand in the hour glass has turned to water. The hours, days, and years just flow faster and faster."

No sense in me trying to make up for time that's passed, or the thoughts I didn't sit down to write through the course of it. It's because it seemed so overwhelming a task, that such a large amount of time has slipped by without me doing so. Today, I've decided I'll begin where I am in the present and commit to share from this point forward.

I couldn't possibly begin to convey my present thoughts, without some reflection of the past. Many don't wish to remember four years ago when Jonnae was battling for more time on earth. Yet, I discovered how to make best use of my own, because of it.

I've a strong desire to recreate what I got to experience during that last bit of time with Jonnae. In a song called "Blessings" by Laura Story, one will hear her sing these words, "What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life, is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy." If not for having experienced what we did together, I'd not recognize that what I strive to create on earth, is what lies ahead in Heaven. I got to sample a taste with Jonnae, in a recipe that combined struggle, selflessness, faith and God's presence. No reason why I can't take the ingredients the gift of today offers, combine them with the recipe Jonnae and I discovered, and create more of the same sweet treat today.

I thought that's exactly what I was trying to do. However, it's only recently that I've come to realize, I was trying to be the executive chef. This is the role of the one responsible for the operation of entire kitchen. Only that's not possible. God's the executive chef. There is no 'sous chef', for that is a role created for a second in command when the executive chef is absent. That's never the case in God's kitchen. No! I see now, I'm more a line cook working in what I see as the pastry department (how divine an analogy, lol) creating sweet concoctions of love, peace, joy and inspiration. (It's important to note, even the sweetest desserts can have ingredients that are not sweet at all) See how incredibly beautiful this metaphor is when observing an illness and Heavenly Birth as ingredients for a sweet and 'soulful' recipe.

I imagine every year at this time, I'll be deep in rememberance of a past Christmas that combined an array of ingredients to create the sweetest of delicacies. I am ever awake to the fact that on my own, I will never produce such a dessert as what God did then, is doing now, and will in the future. With the enthusiasm of a child at Christmas, I anticipate with great delight, what sweet experience He's baking up in His kitchen to gift me in this year's Christmas 'present'....only a taste of what He has for us in the eternity of Heaven.

I've unconsciously attempted to take over the bakery the past couple of years. Now that I've reawakened to my rightful place in God's kitchen, I'm confident that my 44th year will be quite the dream. I hope this analogy is enjoyable for you, as it is me. I long to share the sweet desserts I create in God's kitchen with you! Consider this, your piece of my birthday cake ;D ( I get to share my birthday with Jesus. I just heard the song, "Love was Born on Christmas Day" It may sound hokey....I assure you it's my deepest desire to be a gift of God's love to the world, at Christmas and all year through.)

I'll Die a Dreamer

2011-10-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

The exhilarating rise, sharp turn, incredibly fast drop and pain I'm feeling as a result of being jerked around today is too much like a roller coaster to not use it as an illustration for the opening of this blog. It's an analogy that is excessively worn out and doesn't display my flare for being creative. However, I guarantee by the end of this blog, you'll have experienced a thought exceedingly more innovative! So stick with me. ;)

For several days now, I've been ascending. My level of energy has been on the rise, as well as my belief that I'm on the brink of an answered prayer...a big break...something exciting and hugely rewarding for being relentless and faithful. So when I received a call today from someone I'd touched base with about delivering the "We GET To" message, and she had a very warm lead for me, I got excited. I called her referral and he embraced what I was proposing. He gave me some insightful information and another phone number. An opportunity much bigger than the one I had initially seen was being revealed to me. My excitement escalated as my dream began wildly unfolding in my imagination. As I met and conversed with several people today, I enthusiastically shared my most recent vision with them.

Once home, the call I'd been anticipating came. I presented the vision I had for partnering with this company and presenting the We GET To message to the schools the company sponsors and got this response, "I understand and appreciate what you are doing, but we aren't able to offer additional school support or participate at this time." I thanked the man for returning my call so promptly and hung up. Reality's severe turn was followed by a fast drop of a dream and several tears. My weaker self's voice began to fill my head with discouragement. "You're a hopeless dreamer. Your family and friends just shake their heads in pity as you cling to a dream that never going to come to pass. Jonnae was a tenacious fighter. Courageous and faithfilled. She died a dreamer. What makes you think you'll be any different?" My face was covered with a wash of tears and I couldn't blow my nose fast enough or hard enough when my stronger self spoke louder. "Remember! A 'no' means God's got something better in mind!" Better than what I imagined today? Now THAT'S EXCITING!!! :D

The tears dried up, my head still hurts from the nasal activity earlier and I don't know how this journey is going to play out. This I know for sure - I'm not any different than Jonnae. I'll keep smiling, keep praying, keep getting up, looking up, and never giving up. Come true or not... I'll die a dreamer!

Blending in isn't ALL that Bad!

2011-09-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

I continue to be in awe of the power of awareness! There’s no limit to it making our life better, every day in every way.

Have you heard of Katie Piper? She’s a young woman who, because of her tenacity and courage, is responsible for taking my consciousness to a new heightened level.

3 years ago, this former twenty-something model was the victim of an acid attack. From the severe burns she suffered from this horrific act of violence, her face, chest and throat have been damaged for life. Blind in her left eye, skin grafts from her back to reconstruct her face, multiple surgeries on her face, eyelids, and throat (because of damage from swallowing some of the acid when it was thrown on her) this woman presses on with a mission- to turn her personal tragedy into triumph for herself and for others.

Katie. My Beautiful Friends is a four part documentary that caught my attention several weeks ago. I found it airing on OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) while channel surfing late one night. Katie has formed a charity, aiding those who are dealing with severe deformities, allowing her to make personal visits and offer a support group. Throughout the documentary, she introduces us to her ongoing challenges, as well as those she’s met and encouraged. Some were born with severe deformities, some are victims of burns and others are dealing with growing, life threatening tumors. All are incredibly courageous and great examples of, not only how our circumstances could be much worse, what is possible with perspective and perseverance – two of our greatest (two of my strongest) gifts.

I was impacted greatly after viewing only the first of Katie’s four episodes. Each week my heart has been opened more. These individuals are suffering greater pain then what’s evident physically. They are suffering unnecessary mental, emotional and spiritual pain, because as a whole, we’ve chosen to look the other way and not treat them as the beautiful souls they are beneath the skin. I’ve resolved to make eye contact with anyone whose path I cross, especially those who aren’t used to experiencing eyes gazing into theirs. The extent of my compassion has increased tenfold!

This week I’ve been gifted my own personal experience, as if it were to be an exclamation point for this life altering lesson Katie’s responsible for gifting me. After taking a close look at my lower lip last week, my dermatologist decided a quick freeze of excessive sun damage would be the best treatment. With her ‘gun’ she zapped another spot just above my upper lip also. Two large blisters formed and within a couple of days, the spots have begun to scab over. So mindful of the challenges Katie and her beautiful friends deal with every day as they go out, to be either stared at or treated as if they were invisible, I’m ever present to the blessing of being able to ‘blend in,’ even with a couple unsightly blisters.

I’ve had exposure to the pain caused by staring. Not one to cry over her circumstances often, one thing that could bring Jonnae’s spirit down and lead to tears, was the staring that happened as a result of her bald head. Still, as a cancer patient there was plenty of support and compassion for her to experience. The embrace and support far outweighed the stares and galking that made her so uncomfortable. That’s not the case when it comes to these individuals with severe abnormalities that Katie has made ambassadors for her charity.

The reality check these brave people offer us is of incredible value! I’ve recently been introduced to another burn victim carrying on with life and exuding what spirit and tenacity is all about. JR Martinez, one of this season’s contestants on Dancing with the Stars, was burned on more than 40 percent of his body when his Humvee hit a land mine while he was serving in Iraq in 2003. The injuries left him with scars on his face and the loss of his left ear.

Seems life continually leaves me in a state of awe, with heightened awareness and increased gratitude. To some my challenges seem so large, yet I continue to see others with hurdles just as looming, if not larger. And…they’re clearing theirs. No greater source of inspiration than seeing what’s possible and committing to doing the same. I’ll keep clearing the hurdles and climbing the mountains, knowing that I’ll always have everything I need to accomplish whatever I want…it’s simply a matter of choosing to press on for the prize – a life lived in peace, joy, happiness and love NO MATTER WHAT! I love, Love, LOVE being awakened to the multitude of abundant blessings that surround me! Don’t you?

Enamored

2011-08-30T20:21:00.000-07:00

I was using the self checkout aisle at Walmart last week, using a gift card to pay for my purchase. After running the card through the keypad, it reflected I hadn't paid my balance. I ran it through again and again. As they do when they see you struggling to complete your transaction, the Walmart associate overseeing the self scan stations came over to me and said, "Is it asking your scan your card?" To which I replied, "Yes! Everytime I swipe it it says ...and in unison we said, "Please scan your card" She took it out of my hand and scanned it. Ah ha!!! I was swiping my card through the key pad as you do with a credit or debit card; not SCANNING it as you do merchandise, even after I had been instructed...over and over again to scan it. I laughed and said to the teller, "God's just telling me I don't listen" I shook my head and again said, "I'm still not listening." We both shared a laugh and I went about my day.

I went about my day, unable to forget just how true it is. I'm great at talking; not so great at listening. (even my kids have told me that)

I may not be great at listening to the audible sounds of the earth. I'm a bit better at listening to the spiritual guidance of the Divine. If not for being a good spiritual listener, I'd never have sought to find the good when it was so hard to find it during Jonnae's illness. I'd never have blogged the last 9 months of her life and I'd not have created (with much help) her Celebration of Life one week before she passed. I may not hear all that well with my ears. I've been blown away, and incredibly blessed, with what happens when I listen with my soul. Today's no exception.

In January of this year, I reclaimed a room in our basement to convert into a home office. After having invested much time in dreaming about living in a house like one that was being built last year in our subdivision, overlooking a body of water (and after experiencing quite sacred moments from other waterfront properties) I decided I would paint the room a soft color like that of water. I didn't choose a true hue of blue. I chose more a robin egg or soft pale turquoise color. I decorated the room with accessories we already had in the house, doing the best I could to create a nice room without much expense.

Although grateful for the space, it's never quite produced what I hoped it would. It's functional, organized, and what I didn't have for a work a space before. It's never provided the haven I crave or the flow of energy that I feel is blocked in the rest of our home, where so many memories exist of Jonnae. Although I embrace them all as great gifts, there's just something I can't seem to remove in the way of blocked energy. Too hard to explain and simply something I get to accept and live with for a while longer. So I press on.

I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me before, or why it did occur to me from out of nowhere last week, to check online for a large water scene mural. I googled and found many sites to shop. I think I invested the better part of an entire day considering and reconsidering my options. Still trying to keep cost to a minimum, after much back and forth as to what I would finally splurge on, I selected a smaller size mural than the ones I originally began looking at, based on the pale turquoise color of my already freshly painted room. It was the only scene that was not a true blue, but turquoise. It arrived within a couple of days and I applied it to the wall last weekend.

Although satisfied with the mural and the color of the wall as it's backdrop, I wasn't happy with the way the existing accessories in the room looked with it. The room needs to be more cohesive with colors of the white beach and cool teal waters in the print. I decided I'd start working towards creating a room that felt more like a refreshing retreat, similar to what you'd experience at a place on the beach.

While out today, I thought I'd swing by the HomeGoods store and use instore credit I had from a previous return I'd made a while back. I went in thinking I'd peruse the store to find a single lil treasure piece for the room, like a conch shell or something and it wouldn't cost me a thing. Well you know how it goes (especially if you're into decorating) My eyes kept finding items that would work perfectly to create the type room I was envisioning. As an artist, I usually only begin with a theme or simple idea and the creation just takes on a life of it's own. This shopping trip was definitely playing out like that. With not one, but 8 items in a buggy (that I got to go back to the entrance for because I didn't think I'd need one for the single item I would choose) In a mere second, as I was already having buyers remorse and analyzing this cart as 'retail therapy' my consciousness came alive to meld with my subconscious. As the revelation happened and goose bumps covered my body, I was in awe. How could I have not realized what I was doing before now?! I was creating the caribbean scene Jonnae had dreamt of experiencing through Make a Wish. All she wanted was to ride a horse on the white sands of a beach with crystal clear turquoise water. In that moment, any guilt I had about purchasing these accessories was gone. It wasn't a matter of retail therapy; it's a matter of acknowledging a gift from the Divine to create a space I can share 'with her.' The timing is impeccable too, as I'm most present to what would have been her 19th birthday this Friday. It's almost as if this caribbean room is her gift to me. There simply is NO WAY I can relay in words how much I've felt embraced by the combined presence of God and Jonnae today.

The picture accompanying this blog was taken by my friend while we were on a walk this morning. We both stopped to soak up the SON as the rays shined so brightly through the trees in this amazing star burst. I recalled, as I stood there to bask in it's glory, Jonnae's statement towards the end of her life when as we saw the sun's rays in a similar way. She said, "It reminds me of Heaven"

I'm enamored by the glory of God, the brightness of Jonnae's spirit, how her presence can sometimes encompass me, and how today...my subconscious revealed it's plan to give me a place where I feel her in a special sweet way, encouraging me to press on and create whatever instinctively comes to me. It's a gift from the Divine.

Writing from the Heart

2011-08-08T11:19:00.000-07:00

I so long to write more, blog more, speak more, and serve more. Funny how the 'business' of it all keeps getting in my way. I've invested a great part of the 3 years since Jonnae passed trying to marry my passion to a paycheck. I've had a grand vision placed on my heart. It's impossible for me to believe my passion can't also be my 'work.' I'll not give up and eventually I won't be so deep in the forrest that I can't see the trees, lol.

I'm tired of trying to align my spirit with a business mind that's not within me. It's exhausting. Surely there's a place for me, an income to be had, where I can simply show up as me, excited to share strengths that are naturally already mine. Where is it? Do I really need to learn business to free myself from the pressures and stress of debt? Is there not someplace for me to go when I wake up that has an energy of life flowing through it and people who want to embrace what it is God's given me to share? Please Lord, make the way more clear!

There are a couple of reasons I've stopped writing. One is I can't seem to find a place to write that inspires me. There used to be a place I could write that will would allow thoughts and guidance to flow through me as they came. It was by Jonnae's bedside. Now, I get to experience most of my days from our home and for reasons that I understand, yet can't seem to explain, this home during the day has the same effect on me that cryptonite had on superman. It keeps me weak. I've tried different scenarios to get out of the house when the families gone off to school and work, none of them have worked. I've tried different places to write, different places to work on building a career. I've not yet found a fit. I'm prayerful that a solution will be revealed soon. If you are a praying person and you're reading this, will you offer up a prayer on my behalf? Ask God to remove the detours and show me the road (work place) for me?

A second reason my writing stopped was because my writing style is not for business. In my search to figure out how I build a career out of what I know and love to do, I've been steered to not write from a personal standpoint, to keep blogs to a word maximum, to make the headlines catchy and set me up as an expert. Who I am and what I write doesn't seem to fit the mold for how one grows a career. Talk about writer's block!

Today, I've committed to sitting down and doing that which led me to fall in love with writing to begin with. Just write from my heart about the awarenesses I'm acquiring. They're personal to me, they may not prompt anyone to hire me or purchase something I've produced, but that's never been what inspired me to write before. Why should it be now? It doesn't!

My passions are writing and speaking words of encouragement and hope while always remaining truthful and transparent. That's 'my mold'. The writing ceased and the speaking opportunities lessened considerably also. As I was sold on someone's services who led me to believe he and his team would take over promoting and booking me as a speaker, I left that ball in their court and picked up a different one. I began planning a special June 8, Wacky Wednesday celebration to commemorate Jonnae's 3rd Heavenly Birthday. The momentum I had built up for speaking pretty much came to a halt as the company didn't deliver and I was head over heels in planning the biggest event I've ever hosted. Good news is, the "Wack Attack" celebration of Jonnae's Heavenly Birth was a sweet success. (video can be seen here - We had a "Wack Attack" video )

I have a wise friend who's been trying to get me to start up We GET To as a nonprofit. I wasn't purposely trying to fight her, or God, on the suggestion or get in the way of it. I just didn't see how starting a nonprofit from ground zero was going to answer my unemployment and financial issues, which are growing in their need for me to solve them. How would I have the energy and time to acquire the knowledge necessary for starting up a nonprofit on top of the looming tasks already at hand? I still don't know. However, I began getting nonprofit literature and resource information in the mail, from sources all over the place, out of the blue. This in the midst of me planning the special Wacky Wednesday celebration for Jonnae's 3rd Heavenly Birthday. I don't buy into coincidence EVER! God's hand in perfect timing is where I stake my trust. So I prayerfully began looking into the steps I'd get to take to form a nonprofit and get We GET To and Wacky Wednesday into more schools and hospitals. I consulted with many experts, filed Articles of Incorporation for We GET To, formed a board, and just this weekend submitted the extensive 1023 form to the IRS for tax exemption. Now, I GET TO strengthen my patience muscle as I wait to hear back from them. (Could be as long as 3 months to 1 year to complete the process after they've accepted our application.) and I GET TO return to figuring out a way to create consistent income.

As God often does when He knows my tank is beyond low and I'm running on fumes, He's sent me a boost of fuel to discern I'm on the right track. When I'm uncertain about where to go or what to do, or not sure I'm any where close to being on target to my destination, I'll get an email or phone call that's just enough to keep me going. I recently received a phone call from a Louisville school's program director who'd asked me to come speak to her 5th grade class last year. As it had turned out, the 7th grades' speaker was unable to make it the day this special programming was to occur, so both the 5th and 7th grade classes filed in together to hear the We GET To message. The director was calling to see if I'd be interested in coming back this year. She offered that the school still didn't have funding to pay speakers but was hopeful I'd accept the invitation to return anyway. She proceeded to tell me that she thought I'd be interested to know that the students are given a survey at the end of the school year that consists of several questions. One of them being what was their favorite event/activity for the year. She let me know that We GET To had made an impression on the children, for it was the favorite on many surveys. When I thanked her for telling me this and told her it was fuel for my spiritual tank to know the message had made an impact on several of the students who had heard my presentation, she corrected me and said, "Denise, it wasn't simply several of the surveys, it was the majority of them." She also made the remark it was impressive given the amount of time that had passed from the Feb presentation to June when the survey was given, when much else had been forgotten. I can't begin to doubt now! I can't base whether I speak or not to students on the sum I get paid. How can I do anything but sing when given such a beautiful testimony of Jonnae's legacy and the way I get to serve? I've gotta be in the right place doing the right thing.

God gifted me more. I was in a local store seeking silly accessories for infants. Still in my wacky get up, I'd just completed a Wacky Wednesday visit at Kosair. As we had just seen many babies, I was freshly reminded that I never have anything wacky to give infants. I decided to make it one of my days errands to find something. None of my suppliers that I shop from ever have wacky pacifiers, bibs, or things for infants to wear that are within our budget. Occasionally I'll find some fun bath mitts at the $ store. Anyway, a mother recognized me as the We GET To lady because of my share about Wacky Wednesday during a We GET To presentation I had given at her son's sports banquet. She approached me to let me know what her son had said on the way home after hearing the We GET To message. As she was speaking to me, another woman walked up to us, also having heard of Wacky Wednesday and gave me all the cash she had on her to purchase the items I had in my hand for the Wacky Wednesday cart. She said she had heard about the work I was doing and wish she had more to give. I assured her that her gift was generous enough, both financially for the kids and in encouragement for me to keep going. Seriously, should it be so easy for me to get distracted by business and the $ when priceless experiences such as this are what I get for payment? It may take a while for We GET To to be tax exempt and to build funding to pay a director, but I'm bound to be on the right path! This is enough proof for me!

As if this evidence isn't enough, I've been granted another beautiful gift of affirmation. I'm a bit creative and God's communication with me sometimes is as well. I was going to try and convey the gift, but it would make for an even longer blog and it's too difficult to try to convey. Let's just say a gift of nature was uniquely packaged and sent for me and I received with enormous gratitude and glee ;)

I simply get to keep doing whatever it takes... whatever it requires of me energetically or financially to grow the We GET To message and Wacky Wednesday visions, regardless of how that looks on a resume or in our bank account. I'm serving God and serving my community. There's bound to be a way that can translate into serving my family financially. I'll keep seeking God for the answers and trust you'll repeat that prayer you said for me earlier again and again. Will you? :D

By the Grace of God,

Better Every Day in Every Way,

Denise

Goals, Gratitude and Shared Wisdom

2011-06-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

I finally took the leap! Friday I obtained approval from the state of Indiana for We GET To's Articles of Incorporation to be a nonprofit entity, and have received the EIN and DUNN #'s required for the other applications I now GET TO submit. First and foremost is the 501c3 application for tax exempt status. I'm on it and think I've located the assistance necessary to file everything the right way. I'll know after a phone call tomorrow morning. It's soooo not easy as everyone wants to believe or advise. Only the people who have personally filed a 501c3 form know just how sticky the whole process is. And it's imperative to do everything exactly right. 'Big Brother' is hardly as understanding as our Heavenly Father. That being said, it's imperative to have an attorney who's familiar with the process look the entire application over. My goal is to have had an attorney do just that and have the form in the mail on the way to the IRS with payment by July 12 (I GET TO go to the lake for the family's annual 'girl's weekend' and want to enjoy it completely with the relief that will come with this step being behind me)

After submitting the Articles and getting the letter back from the State saying We GET To had been approved, my commitment and focus increased tremendously. There's no turning back. Now that I've done it, I feel like a child who was extremely too hesitant at the top of a slide or high dive. Why did it take me so long to make the decision? I guess it's irrelevant at this point, it did. I finally held my breath, closed my eyes and just decided to go for it.

Today's Wacky Wednesday has me even more determined to shift this journey into a different direction. I read a quote last week that said, 'If you don't change the direction you're going, you're gonna end up where your headed." I don't Wacky Wednesday to end up as a small local volunteer program. I don't want to end up as a speaker whose message went unspoken to the masses. I don't want to end up as the woman, mother, wife, who wasn't able to contribute to her family's/community's financial needs. I GET TO find the solutions to the issues that have been holding me back and eliminate the distractions that have kept me from moving forward. I GET To do it now!

Another direction I GET TO change is that of my physical health. Since Jonnae's "Heavenly Birth' I've slowly put on 20+ pounds. The weight was slow to creep on and my focus, strength, and energy has slowly leaked away. After Jonnae's passing, my weight fluctuated up and down the first year, 5-10 pounds. As I let go of healthier food choices on a consistent basis, I managed to no longer fluctuate, but keep the first 10 pounds on. Paid speaking opportunities did not increase, I sold plenty of books, but with no business plan or structured budget in place, I poured out more to grow my business then I had coming in. It became necessary for me to let go of my gym membership. I gained, and kept, another 10lbs. I thought I'd at least maintain my weight with the equipment we have in the basement, but my heart just hasn't been in my physical fitness anymore. Fitness somehow, as it often does, lost it's place in my 'wheel of balance' The reality is, whether I have a heart for it or not, whether I am on fire with focus or not, it's impossible to live my best life if I'm not taking the best care of the health and body I've been given. I've returned to the point where I do indeed want to change (for the better) more than I want to stay the same. (in a mediocre, I'll settle for this because it could be worse, mentality or body)

That being said (and because I GET TO go offline and back to writing bylaws and staying on course for the goals I've set for We GET To) here are some other goals I'll have accomplished by the first weekend of October, a special weekend with some special people who are also looking to live their best life:

I'll be back to the 145ish weight that best suits me, not only looking my best, but FEELING my best across the board, so that I'm better able to contribute to my family, my community, and our world. I'm at 166.8 now. Painful to type, but there you have it. No shame, simply keeping it real so I can get out of the rut and back to the 'race' :D I'm not respecting or honoring in the best way, what God's given me with my physical body and health.

The energy that comes with that body will fuel me to have completed whatever the next steps necessary are for We GET To. I'll work with knowledgable, trustworthy professionals to get a financial budget in place, as well as 1,3,5 year business goals for We GET To as a nonprofit with Wacky Wednesday as it's premier project. Boardmeetings will be happening consistently and a strong action team will have formed. Wacky Wednesday will not only be a volunteer program, it will be a hospital endorsed, staff supported program being looked at by additional hospitals for staff morale building, turnover decrease, and added value for all, staff, patients and their families.

As a part of this plan, it is most necessary to find a workspace for me outside my home. I've recently added a new diagnosis to my previous ones of AD (no second "D" - Attention Deficiency is not a disorder, it's merely a challenge some of us GET TO overcome; a character trait that builds us into who we are if you will I'm also SA(no "D" or disorder there either) Seasonally Affected is again, simply a challenge, or better yet...an opportunity to succeed regardless of hurdles..those hurdles when cleared make the victories that much more sweet No medication necessary, simply a new perspective and a strong will. Back to the new diagnosis...I'm a special needs child. God knows I'm not trying to be His difficult daughter, I simply have surroundings that are necessary for energy to flow that allows me to produce. It may be appealing for some to stay in their pajamas, working infront of a computer all day, but that's not the best atmosphere for me. I've given it go after go. So if I've not acquired a work space in 12 weeks, I'll certainly have strong leads and a plan in place to acquire it sooner than I'm set to now

And my love of all loves, inspirational speaking...I'll have atleast one nicely paid annual conference keynote on the calendar for 2012 and the momentum will be building for increased opportunities there as well. While I've been serving my community with Wacky Wednesday and pro bono We GET To talks, I've not been serving my family and our financial needs. Poor hubby needs help with the kids ever growing financial requirements. One of the many blessings that will be born of We GET To as a nonprofit, will be me meeting more decision makers who will embrace the value of what I offer their organizations in the way of speaking and training on perspective and perseverance.

That being said, how I look back at the past 3 years is not as a period in which I 'fell' but as one that was necessary for my own personal development. One that gives me the opportunity to pick myself up and show others what is possible. One of my alltime favorite quotes is "Learning is a gift even if pain is the teacher." I've learned much in the 3 years since Jonnae's passing. For that I am grateful. I now GET TO take the wisdom born of the good, as well as the difficult, use it and share it.

The Gifts of a Storm

2011-06-19T07:07:00.000-07:00

For the second morning in a row, the Kentuckiana area has awakened to some pretty severe thunderstorms. This morning's storms are a bit more violent.

Yesterday, as the rest of my family slept in, I sat in the quietness of a mild storm and reflected. I, as many do, like the 'perks' that come with a rainy day. Sleeping in, diversion from every day living; a forced vacation day if you will. Even tasks that have fallen to the bottom of the priority list, for far too long, can be completed as the direct result of a rainy day. Maybe not a vacation day, but the sense of accomplishment stemming from that kind of productivity is quite nice also.

I've always had a fascination and intrigue with thunderstorms and as I once again compare the literal to the figurative, I'm blessed with a sense of gratitude for reawakened awareness. If not for rainy days, mundane cycles may never be broken.

Sometimes rainy days act as a sedative and help us catch up on much needed sleep. More violent storms, jolt us from our slumber and result in a necessary 'wake up' call. That's how I perceive the violent storm of Jonnae's leukemia...a necessary wake up call. I'm thankful for the jolt that resulted in a new list of priorities. I was sleep walking through life, hypnotized by a mundane rat race. I'm grateful for the litany of awarenesses that came from our hurricane named 'Leuk'. Because of the severity of damage 'Leuk' would eventually wreak, my Creator rebuilt me into someone incapable of being destroyed by a natural disaster. I'll never again return to the mundane. Life may temporarily challenge me with a distraction, but thankfully I'm now programmed to default back to a consciousness that's much more enlightened.

I may create a plan and forget for a while that ultimately there is a plan greater than mine. Eventually I get a wake up call that reminds me. It may come in the form of a violent storm. So yes, I'm grateful for them. I may fall into the old habit of hosting a pity party and speaking like a victim, but a mild storm comes and with a clap of thunder I'm reminded of the power that comes from above. With awe and wonder, I allow Him to give me strength and rise again to being a victor. Storms are one of God's tools to keep us awake, open to and mindful of Him.

If the sun shone brightly every day, if the sky were always blue, we'd fall into the mundane and not have a heightened sense of gratitude for them. As the rest of my family is beginning to stir and we're set to celebrate Father's day, I'm grateful for much this morning. Mindful and present to many more gifts than I would have been had I not been jolted from my sleep, by a violent storm.

Come Home!

2011-06-04T22:08:00.000-07:00

For the past 2 months, I've been pouring my heart and energy into a special celebration/benefit created to celebrate Jonnae's 3rd Heavenly Birthday. It's a day long event to celebrate her life and help raise funds to grow We GET To as a nonprofit that will implement Wacky Wednesday into children's hospitals across the country. It all started with a friend's want to help me raise the funds necessary to take Dr Patch Adams up on his invitation to join Wacky Wednesday with his mission trip to Russia in November. She suggested a telethon with 25 callers, each with a goal to raise 500.00. Broken down that way, the fundraising didn't seem so daunting and I'd have the necessary funds to stock the current Wacky Wednesday cart at Kosair for a year, cover the state/federal/membership fees to apply for 501c3 status to grow We GET To as a nonprofit and be able to join Patch in Russia.

A new energy and enthusiasm fueled my spirit as ideas continued to sprout forth from the seed my friend had planted. When we first discussed a day/date to hold this telethon, Sunday night was thrown out as the best possible time to make calls asking for financial support. It would likely be the best time to reach supporters by phone. However, since Wacky Wednesday is what this vision is all about, it felt better to me to have the telethon on a Wednesday. Then it occured to me that Jonnae's 3rd Heavenly Birthday was coming up. A Wacky Wednesday FUNdraising party would be a great way to celebrate her, her life, and "Heavenly Birth"

My youngest son came up with "Wack Attack" as the name for the event. It has indeed turned out to be a plan where Southern Indiana and Louisville will be attacked with 'wack'iness all day this Wednesday, June 8. So many across the country...world for that matter...have been impacted by Jonnae's courage, faith, and want to replace sorrow with joy. Based on the Celebration of Life we had for her one week before Jonnae's birth into Heaven, it was easy for me to imagine that as many who helped and participated then, would for the Wack Attack now. Through the promotion, planning and preparations, it doesn't apprear that will be the case. Not many tshirts were bought, 25 callers haven't been secured, I've 'heard crickets' when I've put out calls of action. But the Wack Attack isn't until Wednesday. Donations will be made at www.weGETto.com, people will show up to celebrate her at the Creative Workshop in Louisville, Cluckers is behind this mission 100% and many of our friends will go eat there to support them in supporting us. I GET TO wait and see. I'll probably be pleasantly surprised.

A most interesting revelation has come of this experience. Since Jonnae's "Heavenly Birth" I've been busting my tail. First, I poured myself into editing and publishing the blogs I'd written the last nine months of Jonnae's life. (To date nearly 1500 copies of "Heavenly Birth. A Mother's Journey. A Daughter's Legacy." are in circulation.) I've been desperately seeking the person, group, or company that will embrace the book and help get it out to the world in a larger way. In addition to the book, I've exhausted myself in trying to build a career out of inspirational speaking. I can't explain the gift given and received when I GET TO speak to audiences about the lessons and blessings that have come wrapped in this tragedy turned triumph. Through the book, the speaking, the planning of the "Wack Attack" I've continually lost my way.

Most of the time, I wasn't aware I was lost. If I was, I seemed to have no idea the way back. Until...a couple of weeks ago God decided to reign me back in. He began at my niece's dance recital during the final routine. As OneRepublic's song, "Come Home" played, a montage of each dancer saying "Come Home" played on a big screen. I didn't think much about it at the time. Later that evening, I was reading "Inspired Women Succeed" - a book of stories by 40 women (I'm one of them) who share what's inspired them to succeed. (book can be ordered at www.inspiredwomensucceed.com) Typical of my nature, I decided to pluck stories in a random order. Since I've not had much structure in my life of late, Prioritize was the subtitle to jump off the page at me. I read the story where a woman tells of a time she called her husband in distress and he simply said, 'Come home'. After hearing "Come Home" so many times earlier in the day, I did think something of the words this time. Since it just so happened that the day these words were ringing over and over to me was May 21, the day the 'rapture' was all the hype, I lightheartedly said to Our Creator, "If today's the day you tell me to Come Home, I'm ready."

On the way back home from the dance recital earlier, I had stopped and rented the movie "Secretariat" I decided it was a good time to pop the movie in and watch it. Not far into the story, Diane Lane calls home to update her husband on the happenings of her recently deceased father's business. Her husband pleas with her to "Come home"

What is it your telling me Lord? I don't understand. I'm home all the time. I'm trying to figure out how I get out in the world and support my family while serving you. What does "Come home" mean?

A couple days later, I awoke with a song in my head. A song we used to sing in church often when I was young..."Come back to me, with all your heart. Don't let fear keep us apart. Trees do bend though straight and tall. So must we to others call.

Long have I waited for your COMING HOME to me and living deeply our new life.

What I wouldn't give to hear God talking to me this way all the time. I still didn't know what 'come home' meant, but without a shadow of a doubt, He was trying to get through to me. It was in talking to another of my dear friends that I realized God was asking me to return to Him, completely, whole heartedly, without fear. I didn't think I was living in fear. I didnt' think I had ever left home/Him. But truth is...I had. It was fear that had me seeking someone to show me the way to getting my message out there through the book and speaking. I've been scrambling around in desperation to find others to join me in the Wack Attack. I've been far from home...the peace I have in the center of God's grace - His Word, my faith.

When I was 'working my way' through life during Jonnae's illness, I cleared every hurdle with ease simply by keeping my eyes on God. In the eye of the storm, in the hospital stays, in the face of her death "Heavenly Birth", I never left 'home.' I naturally defaulted to God, letting Him show me the way. I didn't exhaust myself scrambling to find someone else to help/show me. I didn't rely on anyone joining me. It was simply me and God all the way.

Tonight, once again, I began to get distracted by the amount of people who've not stepped forward to participate and celebrate Jonnae with the Wack Attack. (for those of you who have, you have no idea the depth of gratitude I have for you) A visual popped up in my head to set me straight. I didn't literally see Him ofcourse, but the thought of God taking His two fingers like we do when we point at our own eyes and then to someone elses, as if to say, "You and me. I'm looking at you. Don't take your eyes off me." That's what came to me.

Home is where your heart is. When mine is with God, in faith, there's nothing that can distract me offcourse. There's nothing to interfere with my peace. My exhaustion comes from being 'homesick.' God's calling me back home. Oh how I've missed Him so. As I attend what would have been Jonnae's graduation today and the Wack Attack and Jonnae's Heavenly Birthday this week, it is the perfect time to return 'home' and stay with Him.

We're Having A Wack Attack, June 8 - Don't miss it!

2011-05-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

For those of you who may be visiting this blog for the first time or unaware of the Wacky Wednesday program Jonnae and I had envisioned creating, let me give you a brief recap. She was going through a bone marrow transplant, had been in the hospital for a couple of months, and received an email about spirit week back home at her school (we were in Cincinnati a couple hours away) During spirit week students were encouraged to dress Wacky on Wednesday.

It is said we are motivated by one of two things - desperation or inspiration. This was a case where I was motivated by the former; desperate to give Jonnae (us) something to smile about. I suggested we could get wacky wherever we are and asked if she'd like to create a wacky look for me. She lit up like a Christmas tree. Her spirit filled smile had a way of creating a contagious joy. As she grabbed the eyebrow pencil out of my makeup bag and drew a unibrow on my forehead and blacked out one of my teeth, we both shifted our focus from the seriousness and stress of her sickness to the silliness. Turns out laughter truly is the best medicine and the side effects are great.

She proceeded to give me ridiculous ponytails and pulled items out of my wardrobe that should never be worn together. I blacked out one of her teeth, gave her two different colored eyebrows and put a tattoo smack in the middle of her forehead. Head to toe we looked ridiculous. So much so, my husband didn't want to exit the elevator with us to indicate we were 'together' lol.

I must admit, when the kids left the house in years prior, dressed abnormally for the spirit week's Wacky Wednesday, I never thought, "Wow! That looks like fun. I want to do that!" 3 years into getting Wacky on Wednesday, I still don't always embrace the fun that can be wrapped in getting wacky. It's not a great deal of fun, nor am I comfortable, having people look at me like I'm a 'wack job' instead of the visionary behind weekly healing doses of worldwide laughter through Wacky Wednesdays.

It's been a great experience for me. I used to talk myself into being 'brave' and just doing it. Then I'd walk into a child's hospital room and be reminded, bravery isn't leaving your ego and vanity at the house to go out into the world wacky, it's within these walls as our babies and young ones fight courageously to live. It's interesting to think, as a country, we embraced Casual Fridays to be comfortable and bless ourselves, but we'll opt out of being Wacky on Wednesday at the thought of being uncomfortable to bless others.

So with that thought in mind, will you risk being uncomfortable to bless others and have a "Wack Attack" with us on June 8? Any one of us has seriousness and stress in our lives that could be replaced with silliness for a day ... and bless us with healing as a result of having done it. We are celebrating Jonnae's 3rd "Heavenly Birthday" one day early with a special Wacky Wednesday where we're attacking whomever, wherever, with wackiness :D Here locally in the Kentuckiana area, we've got a gym, bank, orthodonist office, workshop facility and restaurants participating and sponsoring the Wack Attack. Staff, tellers, and servers will be dressed wacky and each establishment is doing something to raise funds for the furthering of Wacky Wednesday. These funds will be used to stock the cart we have for supplying the patients with wacky items, printing materials for promotion of the program and training under Patch Adams in November. In hearing about Wacky Wednesdays he's invited me to tour with his group to Russian orphanages, clinics and hospitals for two weeks. And he's promised to implement Wacky Wednesday in his hospital, Gesundheit Institute, when it opens. (they broke ground last September) I can't grow this program without your support.

If you live in the Kentuckiana area you can get a Wack Attack shirt from me for 12.00 (just reply to this blog or shoot me a message) while out of towners can order the white tshirt at http://www.cafepress.com/WackyWednesdays (the front of the tshirt is the design displayed at the top of this blog with We GET To Celebrate Jonnae Taylor - Heavenly Birth June 9, 2008 on the back) Whether local or not, whether you go to www.weGETto.com to make a donation, wear a tshirt , dress wacky, come down to The Creative Workshop in Louisville for the telethon or go to the participating restaurants, there are so many ways for you to celebrate the life and spirit of Jonnae and support and spread the word about Wacky Wednesday. As so many of you did with Jonnae's Celebration of life, whether here in town or not, I hope you'll join us!

"What is your will for me anyway God?"

2011-03-21T12:43:00.001-07:00

Daggone it! I'm in a place I was hoping to never revisit... the bottom of 'The Pit.' But before I pour my heart out into this blog for the world to either embrace or judge, let me just say, Even though I'd rather be somewhere else, I know I've got what it takes to get out of here..and quickly. In the end I'll be better because of it. I don't appear to be certain of much these days, but of this I am sure!

What's prompted this return to the blogging world after a long hiatus is what I expect will also keep me actively present in it -

I thought I knew and I thought I was ready! Evidently I'm not or I wouldn't be frustrated or it this long in coming. Answers often come through my writing. A body that's been weary for a while, eyes stinging from tears, desperate for answers, here I sit; ready to see what's revealed through words that come forth.

I thought I knew what direction God wanted me to go in and I thought I was ready.

I thought I knew my speaking and writing could become a career and I thought I was ready.

I thought I knew how to share the gifts life has given me and I thought the world was ready to receive them.

I thought I knew how to share my message in front of a camera, from a place of authenticity, and I thought I was ready for the response. (I was way off on this one. It's the straw that broke the camel's back today.)

I thought I knew all of this was according to God's plan...certainly His will...now I'm not so sure. Which leads me to the question, "What is your will for me anyway God?"

The voice of discouragement has been resounding at higher volume of late. It's not music to my ears in the least. Trust me, I've tried to drown it out with faith, perseverance, gratitude, prayer, and yes... patience (although some would debate that last one for sure. ;) But I assure you I've given it my best effort.

I found a passion in writing, sharing from a place of authenticity during Jonnae's battle with leukemia and for the most part was accepted and supported for who I was. I was comfortable, even bold, speaking my heart and mind; not caring or looking for acceptance or support, just needing a place to think and have a voice. I found an inner acceptance and love of who I am that was foreign to me and I loved giving the lessons I was being taught a voice. Me as I am and the lessons were embraced. It was an incredible ride for all!

With a daughter's suffering and life at stake, I was not distracted with someone's judgment of me. I shared my thoughts with no other intention than to speak my truth, confident and assured. The ball stayed in my court. Even though to many it appears Jonnae lost to leuk, I know different. Her 'game of life' ended in victory. I was ready to continue on with the same game plan so mine would also.

However, it's an entirely different ball game. The field has changed and my batting average has suffered. I've had an increase in unforced errors and the score would reflect I've fallen behind. I am beyond ready to have a comfortable lead. It's been an exhausting slump and I'm trying to figure out just what the plan is now. What is the position God wants me at anyway?

I wasn't about to conform to the world's game plan during Jonnae's fight. Focusing on statistics, odds, players that have no place on God's eternal field. The world wasn't asking me to conform either. Now, as I seek to stay in the game, it does appear the world wants me to conform to it's perspective...it's plan; in the business sense of it anyway. It wants to polish me, have me speak scripts, be politically correct. It doesn't want me to show up as I am naturally. It wants me to learn to play it's way. Apparently, I'm not enough as I am. That's not working for me.

It takes me back to when I first started playing golf. Perfect analogy. My natural drive was astounding (no ego, just fact, I was competing in the World's Longest Drive contest only two years after I picked up a driver) but that wasn't good enough. I was encouraged to take lessons and learn the correct form. Result...not nearly as good. A long beautiful drive is no longer in my bag and the game not nearly as fun as it was with natural, raw talent. So there within lies my issue. Why fix what's not broken? Seems pretty clear to me now. If the business world isn't going to accept the gift of my message and how it's delivered..which is how I enjoy the game most...maybe it's time to play somewhere/something else. I'm left to wonder.

So maybe I don't know. Maybe I'm not ready. For now, all I can do is seek the ultimate coach, my Creator, and ask once again, "What is your will for me anyway?"

Safe in HIS arms

2010-10-22T17:15:00.000-07:00

More and more I'm feeling the effects of backlog as so much powerful awareness is coming to me. Yet, I've not been able to find the ‘portal of peace' that allows the release of these thoughts to flow out in writing. Tonight I’ve decided whether it’s a place that’s comfortable or not, I GET TO write in the room I wrote many a night as we waited for Jonnae to take her last breath. This house is smothering me. My family seems to be fine and quite content, but I feel like superman would have if imprisoned with cryptonite.

The best way I can describe where I currently find myself is once again a daughter in the lap of her Father. Only this time I’m a child who's so emotional I cry at the drop of a hat; so tired I can’t seem to accomplish the simplest task.

For a while I thought I was coming down with something. In order to be considered an official volunteer with no need for a hospital escort for Wacky Wednesday, I GOT TO get vaccinated with MMR because one the titers evidently wasn’t strong enough for their liking. I don’t have much faith in our medicinal precautions. I wouldn’t have gotten the shot were not for my want to be able to visit the kids and this would keep me from getting permission to do so. I thought the physical fatigue could be the side effects they warned of. I don’t think that’s the case however. Although I feel completely unlike myself and frustrated as a result, I do know what it is. It's fatigue. Complete and total exhaustion, mind, body, and soul.

I've heard the spiritual guidance suggesting it's time to rest, to allow solutions to arise and trust help will come. Yet, I've continued to seek, work, and wear myself out. As a result of not listening to my wiser self, the weaker self has the ball in her court. Just as the sports ad states, I believe life is a game of you vs you. I have been so distracted by the dollar and where the next one will come from, I've been giving away my joy and power to create fulfilled days.

As soon as I had resolved to listen to the voice of reason and rest, the distraction known as financial instability screamed louder, "Not gonna happen." My husband was hospitalized for stroke symptoms. After every test in the book, the only explanation the doctors had was stress. As a result my children want to know when I'm going to help relieve the family’s stress, stop chasing a dream of passion and purpose and get a "real job." I understand their questions, concerns, and thinking. However, I refuse to sign up for a life of dragging myself to a job I don't enjoy, away from what I know is my calling, with no say of whether or not I'm surrounding myself with positive spiritual people, for the sake of receiving a consistent paycheck.

It's become apparent there is no 'normal' life for me to experience anymore and for that I am truly MOST grateful. If I could, I wouldn't have Jonnae come back if it meant going back to the person I was. She wouldn't want different than what is for me or for her.

There is so much in the way of reconstruction and reentry into life after releasing a child into Heaven. The most difficult being I feel like I'm conscious in an unconscious world.

How was it with a daughter fighting for her life, just the two of us quarantined in a hotel suite for a month of waiting, I experienced heaven on earth? I can tell you how it was. We were shown love and support from a community that wanted to give us peace however they could. There was no worry of how bills would get paid because of them. We could watch movies, create art, and enjoy the gift of simply being together for the time we had. There was no one attacking us with their opinions of what we should or shouldn’t be doing. There was simply time and filling it with love of one another and God.

Watching her suffer, unable to imagine what life would be like without her, my heart was breaking, yet life was miraculously beautiful. Now, even though my heart is forever broken, still, I know I can live a peaceful, joyfilled life. I've already lived it to know it's possible. God's placed this dream on my heart to speak and write and discerned many times His wants for and from me. Most of the time I'm really excited about what I believe is to come and I'm content if it doesn't.

Then there are times like this, where I'm struggling with everything. I don't require much to be happy, energetic, and excited about this gift called life. I can clearly see the vision and don’t mind that it’s going to take a lot of perseverance to get there. If I were just able to stay with my eyes on God and not get distracted by financial insecurity and the “normal living” of the world.

As much as I want to keep God in my sight and share words written and spoken with people anxious to be at God's banquet with me, I have a family with needs that I'm not contributing to when it comes to income and finances. Without the team I dream of having to direct, support, and experience this 'ride' with me, no full schedule of events to speak at, no sacred space to escape to for writing, I'm experiencing long lonely days in a quiet home that we are blessed to have, yet most painful memories of a life no longer here loom in every room. I go to sleep remembering shared heart wrenching conversations I had with my ‘mini me’ while she lay in my bed and where I woke to find her peaceful face and lifeless body. I eat where she cooked food for her baby (her dog Sassy..and yes I did say she cooked for her) and where she loved to paint fingernails. (mine and hers) The family room is where she sat lifelessly while my mother massaged her feet; where she mumbled and groaned as her platelets dropped and blood clotted in her nose and mouth. Lydia moved into Jonnae’s room, yet I can’t share time with her in there without recalling all the time I shared with her sister. These are natural emotions, memories, and challenges, yet I know as long as I’m in this house, I’m bound to them.

Where does the help come from? When do the dreams seem within reach? Where does the motivation come from for me to do what's necessary to feel like myself again? I know If it’s meant to be, it’s up to me. I know this is a season that will pass. It's a season like several I've already lived through and will survive again. God is my strength and He’s never failed me.

I am a bit surprised, and a bit aggravated, that it's a season that’s come now. Winter is the month I have a tendency to feel ‘dead’, not fall. If I’m feeling like this now, what do I GET TO do to keep me from dragging it out through the real ‘gray season?’ I’m sick of days being like sand through the hour glass. (Oh brother, really? I’m going to use the opening of a daytime soap opera? I decided to lighten it up and inject some humor :D) Seriously, if not for Ellen Degeneres and America’s Funny Home videos I’d be in much worse shape. Laughter is the best medicine! I may have dropped some of the habits that better serve me, but I will never stop turning to humor as my knot on the end of the rope to get me climbing out of the pit. Humor and the Love of God, two things that are never out of my grasp. I may be tired, but I’m safe in His arms!

Today's Woman article on Real Survivors

2010-10-13T14:31:00.001-07:00

Open publication - Free publishing - More womens issues

If You Want to You Will!

2010-09-20T08:50:00.000-07:00

It's been a year since the backslide of my physical shape began. Seriously??? I thought I'd never be here again. Recently I've become aware of several cycles that do not lend themselves to my living in peace or joy. Yet I managed to fall back into them.

Not choosing to nourish my body with the best food for it, is one bad habit I fell back into. I've been aware of this cycle for some time. A more debilitating habit that I've not been conscious of, is the limiting belief that I need to prove my value to others. This is spiritual junk food I refuse to put on my plate, now that I realize I've been binging on it with a side of "Will I ever be good enough?" This is the cycle that is my achilles heel.

In my quest to make my passion, my life's work, I managed to pick the weight back up that I thought I'd left forever. The consequence of ingesting physical and spiritual junk food. No more! As the song says, "Change is a comin'!"

In a recent publication of Success Magazine, Magic Johnson shared one of his tips for success, "I learned to work with my strengths and manage my weaknesses." It's not that difficult a concept to embrace. Not for me anyway. I acquired a multitude of insights through Jonnae's battle with Leuk. It's gratitude for all of those gifts that keep me from being consumed with sorrow. One of the most valuable of those gifts being I am more than good enough as I am. Trust me, that's not my ego talking. That's simply a light God chose to shine on me in a time of darkness; could very well be the only way I was going to absorb that truth. Crazy as it sounds, confined to the walls of my teenage daughter's hospital room, I'd never felt more free. The people pleasing chains fell and the weight of not being good enough was shed.

I live life much lighter when I'm allowing my strengths to fuel my ride; being myself naturally. Not when I'm pushing a cart of my weaknesses uphill in a heavy vehicle that's not me.

No longer am I resorting to quick food that's not healthy. My healthy habits have been taken off the shelf and reactivated. It's only been one week and I'm feeling the benefits of clean eating. I'm not expecting overnight instant gratification. I've been down this road before and know that long term results come with time.

The charge of a new vision board with words my husband spoke to me about a week ago (hence my enlightenment, "Thank you babe!") "If you WANT to YOU WILL... " keep me motivated; fueling my momentum in the right direction. I was recently complaining about something...yes I'm human and do fall into that tricky lil habit occassionally, lol...It was likely a statement about not fitting into my clothes or not finding a literary agent or publisher. My husband's response..."Do something about it then!" I squealed my reply, "I'm trying!" He shocked me into a powerful truth when he said, "No you're not. I know you. If you want to you will and nothing will stand in your way."

No longer am I willing to make poor choices while living unconscious. No longer will I exhaust myself while subconsciously trying to transform a weakness into a strength. I've reawakened and will go with the strengths God chose to give me. That's when I live my happiest life - the life I'm intended to live - when I stop fighting the weakness, go with the strength, and appreciate who God's created in me.

My visionboard says, "If you WANT to YOU WILL...."
Live the dream,
SOAR
Whatever your 100% looks like, give it NOW,
Stop at NOTHING,
Trust your instincts,
Play BIG,
Give thanks!
Keep the creativity alive,
Become one of America's Best Selling Authors
Live Happily ever NOW
Create the body you REALLY want
Play longer,
Plan FUN
FOCUS
Getaway
and include pics that represent dreams (Ellen getting Wacky on Wednesdays :D

What's your dream? Fill in the blank, "If you WANT to YOU WILL..."
and JUST DO IT!!!

Of this I AM SURE!

2010-08-08T17:34:00.000-07:00

Once again... I thought I knew something for sure and I was wrong. I used to choke down the humble pie when I was served a good size piece of it. Now, even though I'd rather enjoy something different, I savor it. I just read tonight, "Knowledge is power. Enthusiasm is the switch that turns it on." I am not enthusiastic when I'm wrong, but I am enthusiastic about the growth that comes from the lesson in it.

I would never change the way I'm able to see, hear, love, or live as a result of what Jonnae and her life taught me. I only wish I could find a way to share the gifts without others going through the pain to acquire it. I believe it's possible. I GET TO keep seeking knowledge and activating the enthusiasm until I figure it out.

It's going to take planning, focus, and discipline. Something I had through what had been the most difficult, painful trial ever...until she was gone. Having made it through life's obstacle course and Jonnae's leukemia battle with a plan, focus, and discipline so strongly in tact, I was sure I'd choose to activate them always. That's where I was wrong. I let go/lost them for a time.

In the course of the last two years I've talked about my new found motivation and commitment to plan and focus with vigor, only to have them dissolve again. I've been able to hold on to them no better than I could a handful of sand. So I'm not going to announce "I'm back." Rather, I'm going to announce I've not given up. I'm still at it. And in the process, I'm still learning. That will always be the case and that's quite okay.

The good news...I can sense a new supply of motivation increasing. What worked to motivate me before won't work anymore. Surprisingly... that's more good news. Now, to follow the motivation up with action...

I used to be so motivated by competition. I was extremely EXTREMELY competitive and it was easy to follow that with action. What I've been blessed to realize is... my deep desire to win stemmed from a desperate need to be appreciated, validated, and loved. I felt overlooked, invisible, and as a result felt the need to prove my worth. That's been forever changed.

I spent the better part of three years in a hospital room, or our home, cut off from the world. Due to her low immunity, there was a huge chunk of time that Jonnae could not have visitors. For a time, even for me to leave the hospital or house to visit others was too high risk. The experience was life changing in so many ways, but the one I'm focusing on (good practice for me here, lol) is I'm no longer desperately seeking validation, appreciation, or love. Those things are nice when provided from others, but I found an endless supply, available whenever I want to tap into it, within me. It's not an ego thing, it's a God thing. When you are all alone with yourself, to face fear, heartbreak, disappointment, and exhaustion on every account, you find a way to nurture, love, appreciate, and understand yourself on a level impossible to experience any other way. Only I know what I've endured. I've proven myself to the one on earth who's opinion mattered most. Me! And to God, well He doesn't need me to prove anything. Incredibly liberating. :)

Not a day goes by that I don't miss Jonnae's physical presence. What I shared with her was unimaginable, indescribable, and irreplaceable. Emotional waves catch me off guard often. However, I've become a master dancer in the rain. Even the storms are beautiful through my eyes. In a wild, amazing, quite miraculous way, I enjoy life on every level in a way I wouldn't have without the experience being just as it's been.

There is much awaiting me, in this life and the next! Of these things I AM SURE! The lessons will continue. I will never give up! and the best is yet to come!

By the grace of God...Better every day in every way!
Denise

Awareness Acquired at the Airport

2010-07-15T09:10:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting at the Birmingham airport, during my 3 hour layover, on my way to the EWN International Conference in Dallas. Airports are the "Gold's gym" for the gratitude muscle workout. It's guaranteed I'm going to witness angry, impatient, or overwhelmed passengers in need of the We GET To message. Today was no exception.

I was at the computer station near the customer service desk when a mother in tears, who had been asked to deboard a plane with her two small children, was accompanied by the stewardess to a computer to see when her next flight option was. I'm not sure what happened, but I overheard the young mother calling the flight attendant, from the plane, a bitch. I knew this frustrated mother was the perfect candidate for an I GET TO bracelet but I'm never completely confident that what I have to offer will be embraced. As is the case when presented with this type scenario, I GET TO risk the rejection, buck up, and deliver the message.

She turned as she felt my approach, began to cry more, and allowed me to give her a hug before I spoke. She said, "I'm just overwhelmed." I shook my head and let her know I understood. Then I shared with her that there was a time when I would have been overwhelmed by the 'test' also. I too was once a young mother overwhelmed by the trials and energy required in being the caretaker of precious, precocious, small miraculous beings. However, I hoped by offering her the awareness I now have, of mothers being overwhelmed with the news of a child's illness or passing today, that this wouldn't be considered such a bad place to be. Maybe she would no longer be overwhelmed given my share. I'm not sure it helped her as I'd hoped, but I GET TO let go and let God water the seed I planted for Him. A valuable lesson in surrender that I still GET TO practice.

I haven't been doing all that well at the surrender thing lately. I submitted a video for Oprah's search and even though I felt strongly whether or not the video was selected, it was still a winning experience, I quickly picked up the rope for another exhausting tug of war. Dreaming and releasing. Hoping and releasing. Discouraged and releasing. Disappointed and releasing. I wore myself plum out. Getting all worked up about outcomes isn't the way to peace. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe I still GET TO struggle with that when I let go and found peace through the most disappointing of all outcomes - a child not healed from leukemia. (I started to say a child lost to leukemia, but I don't see it as us having lost her as much as Heaven having gained her)

I'm now about to board the plane destined for Dallas, TX and experience a weekend get away. I wasn't sure if it was coming at the best time or worst time. I've compared myself this week to my pregnant, hormonal days- tired and emotional beyond explanation. However, I feel myself able to reclaim my power and am ready to inspire and be inspired. Letting God water the seeds that I've been created to plant.

By the grace of God; better and better, every day in every way,
Denise

What Are You Saying?

2010-07-05T15:57:00.000-07:00

Over the course of the last 5 years I've come to realize how the words I speak affect my life; they can subconsciously drain me of power or if I choose to be aware if them, give me strength. I choose the latter. I've become aware of what I'm saying and it's made all the difference!

Words to eliminate and their replacements:

1) Get rid of "can't"

Can't means 'I don't want to,' plain and simple. I learned this most effectively from Julie Whitt; a young woman determined to qualify herself for a lung transplant by pushing herself through strength building exercises. As she used coin rolls for upper body workouts and remained hooked up to her oxygen tank for long walks and low intensity workouts, she showed us with her actions, "Where there's a will, there's a way." She could have easily said, "I can't. The mountain is too high; the obstacles too many." But in that sweet southern accent she would say, "Can't means don't want to."

2) Get rid of "wanna" (want to)

I was in Florida getting ready to do a triathlon for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. Jonnae was back home in the hospital going through aggressive chemo to condition for her bone marrow transplant. I called to report to what time I would be starting in the morning and said, "I wanna finish in 3 hours and 45 minutes." She said, "MOM?... You wanna or your gonna?" WOW! I think that was my "aha moment" for experiencing the power one word can give. As soon as I stood corrected and said, "I'm gonna finish in 3 hours and 45 minutes" I felt the surge of conviction and the gift of self empowerment. I knew without question I would indeed reach my goal. It was incredible. Like I had stepped into Superman's phone booth and exited with super human strength. :0)

3) Get rid of "have to"

I was watching a Joel Osteen service one Sunday and was intrigued when he suggested replacing "have to" with "get to." I remember coming home and telling Jonnae about it. We both agreed it made sense. Weeks later, she was getting sick in the bathroom from chemo and began to cry tears as she said, "I hate this." I answered with, "I believe we GET TO have chemo and should be grateful," I thought what the heck am I saying and why I am I saying it now? However, following this 'divine counsel' we found ourselves again experiencing a miraculous, super human transformation from the power of one word. Realizing we have a diagnosis and have a hope for a cure when others do not...We GET to have chemo. We have insurance, so many can't afford the care they need...We GET to have chemo. We have a children's hospital 15 minutes from our home, some drive hours to get to it, some in foreign countries don't have that option at all, we GET to have chemo. Even when we were preparing her funeral, as I kept hearing in my head, "I have to bury my daughter" I asked God to help me find a GET TO. Instantly I heard an voice within say, "You don't HAVE TO bury her body. You GET TO release her spirit into my loving care. And you GET TO, because you got to be her mother." Again...a miraculous shift from victim to victor occurred.

4) Get rid of "busy"

I recall having a conversation with my dear friend Rena Reese, founder of 'Soul Salon International' and stating how busy I had been. She shared with ne how she had chosen to eliminate that word. I think she may have even asked me what I thought that word implied. Upon reflection, I realized it sounded like I was making an excuse or complaining. Most of the time we're complaining or suggesting we are burdened by all the things we GET TO do when we use the word busy. I have replaced it with 'actively engaged in life' (but active would suffice.) If we are 'busy' it means we are healthy, able to think, act, react, and move. It means we are ALIVE. That's a great thing! I want to think about that as I convey to another that I GET TO do so many wonderful things as I succeed in accomplishing many tasks in a day or week's time.

5) Stop "spending"

If you say you are spending time, money, or energy what are you saying? The definition of spend is to expend, wear out, exhaust, or use up. Does that convey something positive? Wouldn't invest be a better word to use? If we ask ourselves....am I spending or investing, which would be more empowering? So I pose myself this question...."Do I feel like I'm spending or investing?" If I am simply exhausting myself through using up time, money, or energy maybe I need to reconsider my actions. If I feel like I'm investing, I feel much better about the choices I GET TO make. After all, life is about choices. We have much more power than we acknowledge. We can choose to make excuses and be the victim or we can choose to take ownership, empower, and be the victor. The consciousness that comes with the choice of one word makes all the difference.

Consciousness is what transforms the victim to victor. Being aware of the word's we speak and taking ownership of power we've subconsciously been giving away makes for an incredible shift. Here's to being victorious together!

With Gratitude Always,
Denise

Tough Love

2010-05-25T06:40:00.000-07:00

This is the first time in three years that two months separate blog entries. Along with nearly every other good thing I had built into my routine, writing fell to the wayside. I don't know that I'll ever stop the inner dialogue that's constantly asking the analytical questions, (not sure I even wish to) but just in this brief time I've been writing this blog, I've experienced sought for clarity.

The unrest that I've been experiencing for the last year/year a half began when I stopped doing what was working best for me. What I had developed as the framework from which I built my BEST days, I have not been utilizing. No framework results in breaking down, not building up. However, in knowing everything holds within it something good, once the tearing down has stopped, the building back up can often produce something better. That's the thought I will embrace.

I hear often that I'm too hard on myself. I've never believed it and with this new found clarity I'm fairly certain I may never align myself with that way of thinking. As a matter of fact, I've decided I'm grateful that I am as good at tough love with myself as I am with everyone else. Because that's all that being hard on myself is...tough love.

In her weaker moments (there weren't many) Jonnae sometimes said with tears, "This is so hard!" My immediate response was, "It's hard but it's doable." I didn't let her succumb to fear of needles or unrest about being put to sleep. I got in her face and repeated what she needed to do until she did it. No doubt about it, I was really tough on her. It was tough love that led both her and I through the leukemia battle with relentless focus, determination, and strength. Why would I stop being hard on myself when it's that toughness that was a large part of the journey being what it was. Why would I not hold myself accountable now like I did then?

That being said, there's a fine balance of knowing when to let up and not letting up for too long. The consequence of error in not knowing when to let up, you end up not just falling, but your layed out on the ground. If the problem is a result of you letting up for too long, you lose the momentum you had going, you lose ground, and it takes much longer just to get back where you were. The reality is. I didn't know when to let up AND in being easier on myself I let up for a long time. Ruh roh! I experienced a double whammy. However, exhausting or not, in me there is no quitting. A gift born of all the adversity in my life that strengthened my resolve and character. I have a strong "I WILL NOT QUIT" muscle.

If you've been following my blog over the course of this year, you know I've been talking a good game, but the scoreboard doesn't quite reflect I've held the lead for more than a week. It's time for the tough love to be activated full gear. The only way I'll obtain the ever so important balance I crave and need, is to create a solid plan and stick to it, no excuses. I GET TO get to it!

With Gratitude Always,
Denise

Charged and Ready to ROLL

2010-03-29T04:52:00.001-07:00

In my last blog “The Climb,” I referred to a time in my life when I worked with a personal trainer to obtain my best physical body. God is now my personal trainer- working in, on, and through me to build my best spiritual body. Once again, I’ve become aware of some incredible analogies.

When we train with weights, we are actually tearing the muscle down. The recovery that follows builds it into something stronger. Life throws us some pretty intense work outs. It tears us down, but in the end, can build us into someone stronger . Just as with a workout in the gym, the more we ‘show up‘ and apply ourselves with focus, intensity to push through the pain, and a continual reach toward becoming stronger, the more strength we create, the better our results, and the better our life experience.

There is a type of work out called “working the muscle to failure”. The idea here is to do a set of an exercise until you have nothing left. You reach a point of burnout where you “fail” even if you try to do a single rep.

Sometimes we are pushed to “failure” by our Heavenly Trainer. “When we are down to nothing, He is up to something.” It’s extremely important to focus, push through the pain, and trust we are being built into something stronger….better.

My trainer would sometimes set the weight on a machine or hand me a large dumbell, to which I would look at him like he was insane. He would help me with the initial push it took to get me going, I would amaze myself with the strength I had on my own and continue to push through until I hit “failure” All the while, my trainer would be there to “spot” me. His presence was assuring and I knew he wouldn’t let me injure myself. God does the same. He may start us down a path that we think is too difficult for us to navigate, but if we tap into the power we have within, we can amaze ourselves at how far we can go. We may even “fail” along the way, but Our Father is always there to “spot” us. Recovery may be longer than we’d like, but if we trust the process, the experience will result in us having a stronger body - could be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. The formula for the workout is all the same.

Mother Nature gifted us with a week of sunshine. Father God gifted me with a week of SONshine. The dulldrums my eyes experienced as they looked out the window of our home or my car through the winter, have been replaced with Spring’s colorful images and signs of new life. As my spiritual eyes gaze through the window of my soul, they are dancing as they witness the signs of new life, evident in so many ways.

A metaphor presented itself to me early in the week that gave me clarity about the dreary, frustrating season I was stuck in for so long. A car is stuck and can‘t go anywhere if the battery goes dead. It’s dangerous to allow the positive handle to touch a negative one when you try to get a jump start and you certainly won’t get the results you want, if you’re hooking your cables up to the wrong source of energy.

My battery went dead because it was hooked to a negative source. Even after I detached myself from it, I kept “crossing” paths with it.

Once the battery has been successfully charging, the engine will sound like it’s about to turn over. If too anxious to get the car running and to your destination, you can flood the engine by trying to give it gas too soon. I was doing the same. Even after I plugged into the right source, I was not giving my spiritual battery enough time to recharge before trying to drive on into the future. I did not sit idle with patience or be gentle in giving the gas. The false starts frustrated me to no end. Instead of letting off and giving the battery time to charge, I kept putting the pedal to the metal.

I can now see with great clarity how conscious I need to be of steering away from the wrong source and utilizing the right one. I can also see if I get the handles crossed, how important it is to allow the battery to recover.

It’s important to realize energy requires positive with negative. It’s simply a matter of paying attention to what is what and using it the right way. I thought it interesting that the cross is actually made up of the positive and negative symbols. The crucifixion itself was negative, but the result very positive. That's a new awareness that initiates a WOW from me!

Spring is here. With it’s new life it brings a fully charged spirit. With a fully charged battery, God‘s also given me a full tank of spiritual fuel. My engine is purring like a kitten. When God gives me the green light, no longer stuck, I’m ready to ROLL.

The Climb

2010-03-13T17:58:00.000-08:00

What time in your life were words so profound that you needed to sit down just to allow yourself to absorb the power of them? Not because of the words themselves, but by what the underlying meaning of them was. I wouldn’t be able to answer that question easily myself, for I could write an entire book of incredible examples. I’m about to share with you one such experience.

Although I feel like I’m about to resurrect into a brighter season, one full of Light and Sonshine, days are still a bit more gray than I’d like. I’m blessed with periods of empowerment and signs of beautiful growth, but what I see when I look through my spiritual window isn’t as beautiful as what I know is on it’s way.

When Jonnae was diagnosed with leukemia in 2005, I had been working with a personal trainer to prepare for a figure competition (a feminine class of body building). When first hit with the news of her illness, I was ready to drop the goal of building my best body, but quickly I realized that would be quitting…..letting go. Something I didn’t want Jonnae to do, so I used what I concluded was an opportunity to lead her.

I woke up at whatever hour necessary to get my workouts in. If that meant rising at 4:30am and working out in the stairwell of the hospital so I didn’t miss the doctors when they came in for their morning round, that’s exactly what I did. At the time, it was the hardest thing I had ever done. For a mom who lost herself in food every time she was confronted with stress or overwhelmed by emotion, to choose a hard road instead of an easy one, was extremely difficult. I saw the extreme challenge and what seemed like an impossible goal, as THE best way to inspire my daughter to do the same. In extremely different ways, we were both fighting for our lives.

Life continually reveals there’s so much more to learn in the experiences we are having than the obvious. I didn’t just learn how much better my body feels when it’s nourished the right way and active rather than dormant. I learned what victory feels like when it‘s taken literally everything within me to obtain it. I learned EVERY stumbling block can be transformed into a stepping stone if we choose to use it as such.

This morning, I was thinking about a conversation my husband Johnny and I had yesterday. With tears I told him how exhausted I am from climbing mountains. It seems everything requires me to dig deep and ‘climb‘. Where I used to climb with such strength, grace, and even speed, I find now I slip and maybe even lose ground rather than gain it. Things that were easy and once second nature, I struggle with anymore.

I sat down to write about it this morning and had a flash back to when my time was through with my personal trainer; not a very spiritual guy and certainly not one I would predict would be prophetic with his words. But I just recalled what he said to me and have absorbed the power of those words he spoke. He said, “So what’s next for you? You’ve done just about every sport there is.”

I answered him with an “I don‘t know. I definitely need to find something new to challenge me.”

To which he responded, “You have a really strong back. I was watching this rock climber the other day. It was incredible. She was climbing up the side of this huge mountain and I thought, ‘I could totally see Denise doing that. You would be great at it.”

So here I am five years later, hanging on to the ledge of a mountain I never thought I‘d be climbing. Exhausted, but working new muscles and trying to strengthen the ones I have. I haven’t climbed this last stretch with the strength and confidence I know is within me, but those will return. The top of the mountain isn’t within sight, but the view is changing…..and with it I know my strength will return also. I can see the climb becoming more enjoyable. Not necessarily easy, but one I’m up for. I have a strong back, as well as strong legs. God has blessed me with what I need to be a rock climber. My trainer saw it in me, God knows it’s in me, and I’m realizing more and more that I can and will continue to climb. Some day I’ll reach the peak and the celebration and reward will be better than anything I could fathom.

Better every day in every way,
Denise

The Lord Hears the Cry of the Poor

2010-03-08T06:04:00.000-08:00

This weekend I was scheduled to speak during a breakout session at a young adult conference hosted by the local deanery of the Catholic church. I've been stuck for quite some time now, not able to maintain my mojo or groove for more than a couple of days at most (not where I like, or am used to being) I've been forgiving and forthcoming in understanding how this slump could have happened, but have struggles with why it's taking so long to get out of this rut.

I knew this spiritual retreat was going to be a different kind of event for me, for as timing would have it, I've never not been in my groove when the opportunity to inspire through a scheduled talk has presented itself. I didn't know what to expect, but moved forward in faith, expecting a God hug or two to be tucked into the experience. I was not disappointed, as a course of occurances and continued awareness have partially removed what's been blocking the consistant flow of positive energy. Again....I'll do my best to not lose you in my share and rambling of the gifts of God's grace I've experienced over the course of the last two days.

First, there were seven presenters for the breakout session of this first retreat of it's kind at St Augustine. (maybe 20) As the low number turnout was dispersed rather evenly amongst us presenters, I had two who sat in on my presentation. Afterwards, I followed the group into church for a presentation from the keynote speaker, Val Limar Jansen. I was grateful as I felt the healing power of the Holy Spirit move through me as she sang and spoke great words of wisdom and love that seemed directed specifically to me. The tears flowed and I felt the embrace of God holding me and comforting me.

As we sang The Servant Song, I knew, without a doubt, healing was happening. I could FEEL it as we were asked to partner with the person standing next to us and sing the words of the first verse,

Will you let me be your servant, let me be as Christ to you?
Pray that I might have the grace to let you be my servant, too.

My soul was bittersweet as it rejoiced in the fact that I would forever be a servant to God's people, looking to Christ as my example yet I was being humbled by the fact that I too need the healing that comes from being served.

We grabbed the person on our other side to be our partner for the second verse. We were to stand shoulder to shoulder as we sung with our partner:

We are pilgrims on a journey, we are trav’lers on the road.
We are here to help each other walk the mile and bear the load.

My spirit was being lifted as only God can do with His Word and miraculous timing. As I was singing "help each other walk the mile and bear the load" I was thinking of Simeon bearing the load of the cross for Jesus. I've been praying for a Simeon. I need help on this journey. I'm tired and don't know when that help will come, but as we tipped our heads to one another before finding our new partner for the next verse, my new friend had tears in her eyes and she said, "I don't know what just happened, but must tell you you have the most beautful spirit". I can only imagine it was the Holy Spirit, healing her as it was healing me. And we looked for a third partner and sang:

I will weep when you are weeping, when you laugh I'll laugh with you.
I will share your joy and sorrow till we've seen this journey through.

Val Limar asked us to share with that last partner, a single prayer request. Mine simply said he prays for more people to pray the rosary. I promised him I would do as Jonnae and I did exactly two years ago and pray the Rosary daily for the remainder of Lent. I asked him to pray for my peace, for I'm tired of being weary and unable to find contentment with God's plan over my expectations. I want my daily commitment to God to be as a blank piece of paper. No limitations, conditions, or expectations, just my complete surrender to do my best at WHATEVER God's plan is for me EVERYDAY!

Val Limar's voice truly is that of an angel. After a skit she did about Mary and Martha serving Jesus and what he had to say about his body, being the "poor". She sang "The Lord Hears the Cry of the Poor". Again, I could not contain my tears. My spirit has been running low and God has heard my cry. He knows, that NO MATTER WHAT, low tank or high tank, good times and bad, I will not cease in praising His name. He will not cease in wrapping me up in His sweet love. He is the ultimate healer, I came home feeling renewal of Spirit.

No coincidence that the next morning I went to the gym for some cardio and the movie "Love Happens" was playing at our gym's cardio theater. I had just asked the two who attended my breakout session the day before if they had seen this very movie, for it was perfect in helping me communicate a few thoughts. (Lydia and I watched it a few weeks ago and although it was no block buster, the main character of the movie and I had a lot in common. He had lost a loved one (his wife) and had written a book about his experience. As a result, he was a highly sought after inspirational speaker (the book we have in common. I dream of inspiring masses of people through the share of my story, falls as well as victories, but it's the expectation of how I thought it would happen that's robbing me of my joy. That's why the visual of the blank piece of paper is so strong for me. I want to serve without getting hung up on what I thought would happen and what is) But one thing that I told Lydia and I knew God was reiterating to me, is that I never want to present myself as someone that I am not. This character in the movie was running out to greet his audiences with fake enthusiasm. (He was himself struggling, depressed, and trying to numb the pain with alcohol before he headed out to inspire) Over the course of the last year and a half, I've been hurt personally by someone who portrays himself to be loving and good, when in reality he is not. Through the pain of that experience, God has made it blatantly clear, He does not want me to become a hypocrite. I'm to ever mindful of my weaknesses as well as my strengths. My truths are to be shared, not camaflouged with a fake persona. God has used that personal pain to show me what not to become and now in this movie He was reminding me again.

I brought the movie up the previous day, to share with my group, although I'm an inspirational author and speaker and normally am full of spirit to be the 'lifter', honestly I was not feeling like the lifter this particular morning. I used the movie as an icebreaker to share that truth. I believe being transparent and honest is the key to true inspiration. None of us need put on masks or act our way through life. We need to hear each others stories, enriched by victory, but strengthened because of the battles.

I was only going to do a half hour of cardio, but I knew that movie was playing for me. I knew that there must have been somthing I missed the first time, that I would see this time, or something that I needed to hear again. I was right.

I hopped on a machine and watched eagerly and listened intentively. Within minutes I was watching a group session on the big screen. Some of the attendees of this seminar were in a circle and the focus was on a father who had lost his son in a tragic accident. He had suppressed his anger and was letting it out as a result of the main characters prompting him. The awareness that release needs to happen in order to move forward is important and took note of that yet again, for I've been mindful of making sure that I feel what I FEEL and acknowledge, work, and move through my emotions. However, I managed to break away from the focus that the movie director/producer had created with the camera during this scene, but rather was eyeing the "extra" that was sitting next to angry father. This was one of those gifts for me, that I knew would be revealed if I accepted the invitation to trust Divine timing and see what this movie had to share differently this time . I had not noticed this extra in the movie before....who would really, but as she was observing the conversation in her hands, she held and was praying the Rosary. (my reminder to not fall back on my promise and say it this first day after I had committed to do so)

I also heard again, to begin rebuilding, using what I know. To not look in the rear view mirror so much, that I can't move forward. To not fear, but to trust, I know what to do. .....and I DO! :)

That's what transpired yesterday. Today, I pulled up the site Jonnae and I used two years ago, because I love how the pictures and reflections keep me focused on the Mysteries of the Rosary as I'm saying the prayers. For those of you unfamiliar with this form of prayer who may be interested, there are four sets of Mysteries: Joyful, Sorrowful, Glorious, and Luminous. A weekly schedule guides us to say certain mysteries on certain days. Today is designated as the day to pray the Joyful Mysteries. There are 5 decades to each of the Mysteries. As you pray a decade you reflect on one of the 5 Mysteries. The Joyful Mysteries are The Annunciation (when the angel Gabriel visits Mary to announce she will conceive by the Holy Spirit, the Son of God) The Visitation (when Mary visits her cousin Elizabeth to share her news and serve her cousin who is also pregnant) The Nativity (when Jesus is born in the manger) The Presentation (when Mary and Joseph present, as Jewish law commands, the baby to the Lord for purification) and The Finding of Jesus in the Temple (after a 3 day search to find him) With the praying of the Rosary and meditation on the Mysteries, you also reflect on the fruit of the Holy Spirit that was experienced through that event. The Annunciation -humility. The Visitation - love of thy neighbor. The Nativity - Poverty of the Spirit. The Presentation - Purity of Mind and Body, The Finding of Jesus - Obedience.

As I reflected on the Nativity and thought of Mary and Joseph's poverty in that manger and their willingness to trust and not get discouraged by lack of what they deserved as the parents of Jesus, but what they accepted with grace as their role in his life and God's plan, I'm encouraged to do the same. I sometimes feel like I deserve to be rewarded with an easier road, but realize, that's not how commitment and faith are displayed. I yearn to stay in this place of surrender and humility. I'm not poor, in material or spiritual wealth. Crazy how easy it is for me to forget. I am RICH in all that matters. God doesn't leave me wanting for anything, even when I feel poor, financially or in spirit, He provides what I NEED! My wants may temporarily get in the way, but because of faith, they will not be triumphant in robbing me of true wealth and joy.

Okay, so I may not have been able to keep it short and to the point as I aimed to. But as much as I want to share these revelations, I also want to capture their essence the best way I can. Hopefully, I'm able to do that, without losing you in the process, lol.

Better every day in every way!

Denise

Better and Better, every day in every way!

2010-02-26T14:33:00.001-08:00

I'm a mess! ......Don't worry though! I'm laughing as I write this. It's not a bad thing, it's an entertaining thing; that's not always the case, but in my practice to embrace WHAT IS, it's entertaining me in this moment.

Why am I a mess? ...I'm so up and down - inflated and high on life one day, deflated and trying to pump myself back up the next. How is that entertaining? Because in my want to find the positive in that, I've made it so. If the angels watch us like we watch subjects on "reality shows", they're bound to be entertained by me(us). I find it amusing to think the angels and saints may be shaking their heads at some of the ridiculous decisions being made on earth or laughing at the silly mundane things we allow to upset us. Some poor choices have a much higher consequence than others. Some trials are as detrimental as we perceive them to be. We can see that when we observe others reality. Wonder if the angels are seeing the same from their place of HIGH DEFINITION VIEWING.

Last night my husband came into the room where I was watching said "reality tv" and found me in tears. He was shocked to say the least. Here I am, not what you'd call an advocate for television, watching a show I would normally judge as "trash tv" yet I was brought to tears with empathy and being blessed with a new awareness.

I had just witnessed Mindy McReady sing a soul stirring song about rising from the ashes of the burned out mess she had created. One she introduced as being written in prison years before, (she's had a history of drug and alcohol abuse) and now realized had been written for each of these celebrities she had befriended during this rehab program that was being aired as reality tv.

In this moment my awareness and gratitude increased and I saw these trials I've been wrestling with in a completely new light. The things I have a tendency to struggle with are nothing in comparison to what others are facing. I had said this very same thing in an interview towards the end of Jonnae's earthly life. Even in that most sorrowful time, I was able to see there are those going through something worse. It was in that comparison to the lives of others, that I was able to find gratitude and not fall victim to our circumstance. I'm addicted to food for goodness sake, not drugs, not alcohol, not porn. When I make a bad choice, I'm not jeopardizing my relationships or jeopardizing the safety of others. My addiction has not consumed me the way these people's addictions have them.

Tonight it's been the same thing. My daughter has recorded several episodes of The Biggest Loser and has been watching them. As I've been writing and caught moments of them, once again I'm reminded how blessed I am. These contestants have never experienced their "A" game. I'm merely trying to reclaim mine. I don't have nearly as long or difficult a road to travel to get to it as they do, yet they are determined and exuding great tenacity in this moment to get there. I have in times past, but I'm still struggling to tap into that determination now.

The bulk of my struggles this winter are challenges I've created with my lack of discipline in making the best choices. And with those said challenges, I'm not trying to break free from something that's killing me or hurting those around me. I'm not trying to lose weight equivalent to a full grown person.

It might appear I'm being particularly hard on myself, but I assure you I'm not. I know I've been through something most won't go through in their lifetime. I'm able to see how I could have created this 'time in the valley' and be very forgiving and compassionate. If anyone can step outside themselves and see in several different lights, I can. Another 'survival' practice I became good at through the difficult journey with Jonnae and give thanks for. It's most empowering and beneficial. I have no doubt I'll find my "A" game again.

I'll close with two really cool thoughts that have recently given me great clarity and increase my "endurance" capabilities. There was a quote that I read in one of Og Mandino's books while Jonnae was conditioning for her bone marrow transplant, called "The Twelfth Angel". Every single book Mandino wrote came to me during a time that was Divinely orchestrated. When I think of the multitude of books he wrote and how they could have been presented to me in a different order or different timing, but were not, I'm blown away. In this book there was a small child who was ill but had a tenacious energy and spirit (reminded me of Jonnae) Whenever asked how he was, his chipper response was, "I'm getting better and better, every day in every way!" In our want to talk ourselves into positive perspective, I challenged Jonnae to repeat this several times; whether outloud or in her head.

There was a time, towards the end of her young life, that she suffered a seizure and did not know who anyone was, including Johnny and myself. She couldn't say ABC's or complete any thought or sentence. Yet, as she drifted off to sleep, she softly repeated, 'Better and better.....Better and better..."

Now when someone asks me how I am, whether than respond with a thoughtless (and sometimes not honestly felt answer) "fine" I say, "Better every day in every way". Whether I feel "fine" or not, that chosen response reminds me that every thing I experience will result with me better every day in every way. Hopefully that awareness will not only bless me, but will bless the one asking me also.

The second thought was shared with me at a networking event a couple of nights ago and I the power of it has really struck me in a most profound way (thanks Gus)! In our sharing our missions, Gus told me that he signed a blank piece of paper to represent his contract with God. WOW!!! I let him know I was going to duplicate his contract and do the same thing. To surrender to God's will and dedicate my life to honor, praise, and glorify Him, is to not put any conditions or limitations to my commitment. A blank piece of paper reminds me that I release myself from expectations and am open to whatever God chooses to create. I'm ALL in - NO MATTER WHAT!!! That's powerful.

Winter is losing it's grip. I can feel the stirring of the Holy Spirit and know that Spring and Easter are going to be quite symbolic of my own new personal growth and resurrection. I can feel that miracles are about to happen, as I reflect on the miracle of Our Savior's resurrection, and I'm once again inflated and high on life. These two new tools will keep my Spirit from deflating. Thank you Father for coddling me and loving me unconditionally and blessing me with a week of fresh joy.

The HEARTBEAT is back!!!

2010-02-01T06:33:00.000-08:00

I'm still being quiet in the back seat of God's car...still enjoying the ride. Sometimes I read. Sometimes I dream. Sometimes I write. Occassionally I'll pick up those things that are making a mess around me. It appears this may be one of those times that we are taking the longer scenic route before arriving to the next destination on God's map. The extended duration is giving me all kinds of time to think. I'm not underestimating the power of that.

So much came to me last week during the silence of the ride. I'll attempt to share some of my revelation with short analogies and conscious effort to not ramble. :)

When Jonnae was fighting for her life (and I was for mine) I used to believe I was fighting the enemy. Donning my game face, my competitive attitude, and swinging with all my might, it appeared my strategy was admirable and effective. But in the time since Jonnae's fight ended, I've had a change of consciousness. Whether called the enemy, the devil, darkness, the storm, the mountain, or adversity - it's really irrelevant to me. More important is that instead of fight, which would also be resist, I embrace whatever I choose to call it. We are only as strong as our opponent. I've never wanted an "easy win" for the sake of a W on the score card. I'd much rather earn it. I'm racking up more points by not fighting. By not resisting. By not being threatened by darkness or afraid of a storm. Climbing mountains and seeing adversity as an opportunity, not something that will defeat me is empowering. Challenge is good, it builds character. Couldn't do it without an opponent. The darker the room, the more important the LIGHT. I am an unextinguishable source of Light. God's promised me that. I trust Him. There wasn't ever a storm that Jesus wasn't able to calm. I trust Him also. I have nothing to fear. As long as I continue to work my muscles - mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual, the mountains are only going to lend themselves as experiences to build something stronger. The higher the mountain the closer I get to Heaven, as long as I embrace the climb.

Out of the blue, my inner voice guided me to go back in time to recall another time in my life when I was not enjoying the length of the ride. I had waited for what I believed was long enough, on a proposal from my boyfriend of three years. So I forced things to happen and gave an ultimatum. As a result, I can see how in the long run that decision produced conflict that wouldn't have happened had I been more patient and trusting. I love surprises. I love romantic stories. I jilted myself out of both by not allowing my husband to create the moment on his terms. Point taken from Divine Guidance. I'm more at peace with waiting on God's perfect plan now. The miraculous way He will surprise me with the growth of "Heavenly Birth" and my speaking career will yield much sweeter results than my trying to force things will.

When I mounted the stepping machine at the gym yesterday morning, the movie "As Good as it Gets" was playing. I began watching just in time to hear Jack Nicholson say, (rather defeated to a waiting room full of people),"What if this is as good as it gets?" I heard that Divine whisper within me say, "Aren't you glad you're not defeated and waiting to see? Aren't you grateful that you are enjoying the ride,embracing the journey, knowing that it's not 'as good as it gets?"

I've been like a bear, adding winter weight, sluggish with a slowed metabolism. I researched this morning to see when the bear begins to stir again. (Was just curious. :) One report said in April or May. Another said in February or March. I'm believing the latter. For I can feel myself coming back to life.

The lyrics of "Heartbeat" by Remedy Drive (words that miraculously apply to my blog here - God HUG - LOVE it!) say, "I want to wake up. I want to restart. Put the drumbeat back in my heart. I need to be revived. I want to be alive." God heard my plea and so I AM! Praise HIM!!!

Enjoying the Ride as His Obedient Child

2010-01-15T06:48:00.000-08:00

The complexity of life continues to fascinate me. In times of impatience, frustration, and even great sorrow, I still find myself relentless in digging as deep as necessary to find the treasure that will eventually be revealed in the center of it.

I've known for some time now that I have an Attention Deficit. ( I don't call it A.D.D because I don't believe it's a "disorder") Heightened levels of awareness and belief that all challenges bear gifts, not only do I refuse to say something is "wrong with me" or I have a "disorder", for God wired me this way, I no longer try to ignore it; I work with it.

I haven't always been this way. In the past, when it was suggested that a couple of my children may be struggling in school because they showed signs of A.D.D, I wouldn't hear of it because then I did believe it meant something was wrong. I was defiant in my reaction and tucked the nonsense in a box, shoving it into the back of a closet; as if it would not ever need to be looked at again.

Weaknesses present challenges, but at the same time, in learning to deal with, or use them, we strengthen other areas. That's a good thing! I have difficulty remaining focused on any one thing for a given length of time. So what? I'm quite diverse in my talents because I've tried many things to keep me from being bored.Thanks A.D :)

I'm also Seasonally Affected (again I'm dropping the D for disorder) With the lack of color, sunlight, warmth, and signs of life that my mood is enhanced with during the other seasons, I find myself out of sorts through the winter months. November, December, and January are particularly tough months for me anyway. Add the fact that Jonnae's bone marrow conditioning and transplant took place during that time and those memories are heightened through the holidays, it's even tougher. HOWEVER, the "winter dig" has once again produced some beautiful treasure.

After weeks of struggling with discontent and want for something more; after nearly making a decision to take on a role that would have distracted me (attention deficit) from what I've been created to do, today I'm at peace. God's been at it again. Many divine connections have been made over the past couple of days and I can see the Light reflecting off of the treasure that's being uncovered. I feel as if God is running His fingers through my hair, whispering sweet words of encouragement into my ear and giving me gentle kisses on my forehead. It's BLISS!

I remember Jonnae having experienced this bliss (it's documented in detail in "Heavenly Birth") She had experienced God's presence in a miraculous way and asked me, "Why haven't I felt this before? Why can't I feel it more often?" I ask myself the same thing at times. Certainly when I was struggling the way I was. When you've had a taste of God's spiritual drink, you crave it more and more. I believe the key is to wait and trust that when He's ready He'll give us another sip.

Maybe the cup sits there and we don't realize we aren't picking it up. I bought a bookmark once that read, "If God is your co-pilot, you need to change seats". I would elaborate on that and say, "It's best to lighten your grip on the steering wheel all together, let go and just enjoy the ride." I'll never stop seeing myself as a child. It doesn't matter what age I am. My actions would still reflect that I'm nothing more than God's "lil one". I'm not sure if I was fighting God for the steering wheel, trying to control the speed of the car, or that I was in the back seat wailing, "Are we there yet? When are we going to there?" Either way, His patience is insurmountable and right now the view out the window is SPECTACULAR. My tantrum wasn't working. Just like a child, I wore myself out with the cries. Exhausted, it was if my spirit had fallen asleep. I've awoken to renewal, serenity, and grandeur. I trust the Driver. Am confident I'll reach my destination and once again am smiling with contentment from the back seat of His Car. Thank you Father!

Christmas Miracles

2009-12-27T13:51:00.000-08:00

This year, more influenced by movies like "It's a Wonderful Life" or "The Man Who Saved Christmas" than other years, I found myself wishing to be visited by angels who would give me the peace and joy that seemingly were misplaced. After weeks of feeling discontent, I went to sleep on Christmas Eve praying for a dream like Mack was blessed with in the "The Shack" (After his daughter was murdered, he got to see her perfectly whole and happy playing in Heaven). I know Jonnae is perfect and whole. I don't really need a dream or visit from her to live my life in joy or peace. I just find myself yearning for her during the season of Christmas in ways I don't any other time of year. I need a 180 degree turn from my aching heart back to my glee filled spirit.

"Heavenly Birth" was made possible because I sat down to write what I was feeling; honestly and humbly. As a result of my sharing every experience and emotion, God revealed Himself in the most amazing ways. Often, my hand miraculously became His instrument and simultaneously He breathed new life into me and my readers. Tonight, I find myself pleading for Him to lift me once more, as I sit to reflect and share my thoughts.

I've been trying to work my way through this troubled season quietly, not wanting to bring anyone down with my heaviness of heart...spirit...whatever it is that's responsible for me not feeling the Spirit of Christmas. Knowing the answers won't come from a source outside myself, but must come from within, I've tried to be quiet and patient in waiting for some answers. Is Winter always going to be a season I'm just trying to get through, rather than one that is anticipated with great joy? My mind is full of questions, answers, and dialogue with the Holy Spirit. How can I even put all of this into words anyway? What I'm feeling makes sense. I guess one could say it's even expected. I understand it, but is waiting it out all I can do?

It's not as if I can shut off the memory of December '07; the test of patience, faith, courage, strength, and tenacity asked of Jonnae, me, and my family. I don't even want to . But is it going to take a Christmas miracle to give me the best of both worlds. I don't want to forget the gift of that experience, but how do I move through this present gift in joy? Jonnae's bone marrow transplant and iminent "Heavenly Birth" was lifechanging in a way that I'm very grateful for, but I can't reminesce about that time and not find myself missing Jonnae more than ever.

I know that I'm not to deny myself emotion. I'm not supposed to be immune to sorrow. As a matter of fact, more times than not, my soul is soaring with strength found in the fruits of the Holy Spirit and I wonder if I'm supposed to feel sorrow more than I do. (It's happening! LOL. The clarity that comes from writing is in itself miraculous; stay with me. I ask God to help me feel something I'm not feeling. Wondering if I'm blocking or suppressing emotion that humans are supposed to feel. I begin feeling that very emotion I'm concerned about not feeling and then I beg God to relieve me of it. I'm chuckling, wonder if He is smiling with me. Somehow, I'm certain He is.)

Have you ever opened a gift and not really known what it was you were holding? or have you ever not really known how much you like or enjoy a gift until you've had the chance to use it? With the awareness I've just written myself into, I find myself sitting in the Peace I've been seeking. Praise God!

Heavenly Father, You said, "Seek and you shall find". You said, "Ask and you shall receive". You always keep your promises! I've experienced Your Presence today in a way I long to experience every day. I'm thankful for those times I feel weak, for it is then that I beseech You to draw me close. The more I know You the more I want to know You. May I never get lazy in my quest to stay close to You. May my eyes always seek You, my ears always listen for You, and the door to my heart always be open for You. May I never stop longing to be a voice for You. May I never stop longing to be Your Light. May I never stop singing Your praise, bringing You glory, or loving you with ALL MY HEART! Amen!

2009-12-13T13:03:00.000-08:00

Experiences, such as the one that happened this weekend, are impossible to portray with words but it's all I have to offer as a way to share it. Here is my feeble attempt.

I spent a lot of time on the road this week; traveling to a speaking engagement in Lexington, to an impromptu visit with Cincinnati' Children's Hospital and to a gathering of friends in Indianapolis. I'm not one who likes car travel. If it's necessary, I'd rather be reading or sleeping in the passenger seat than be the one behind the wheel. However, if there were a guarantee that every car ride over an hour would result in a conversation with God like this one, I'd make certain to be behind the wheel every day. It is that very thought of possibility that gets me in the car early in the morning to head to the gym. I've had many a powerful conversation with God in the silence of that waking hour. One powerful conversation, shared with God in the silence of their car, would propel anyone to begin their day without the radio or distractions and just listen to what His Divine Guidance has to say.

Actually my conversation with God began on my way back from the Lexington engagement. I was asking God if I'm doing His work in a way that's pleasing to Him. The inner voice answered, "It's pleasing to Him, it's you that sometimes has a hard time being pleased." As I choked down yet another piece of humble pie, disappointed with the realization that I too am guilty of trying to get to bigger and better instead of embracing the gift of where I am. (that's one of my most emphasized messages) Then as the conversation continued, I heard the prompt to go to Cincinnati Children's hospital the following day. I tried repeatedly to dismiss the thought, using a previously scheduled appointment as my excuse for why I could do no such thing. However, I've learned when I try to suppress something over and over and it keeps resurfacing, that it's not my thought at all and I better heed to the instruction. I threw up the question, "but why?" only half heartedly, for I know faith is not needing to understand, it's acting with trust and obliging. Sometimes the reason is made known, sometimes, as was the case on Friday, it is not.

I drove to Cincinnati with a few different expectations in my attempt to answer "what is this trip about?" Maybe I would uncover some emotion that needed to come up. (With strength that is surprising even to me and an immediate acceptance of Jonnae's "Heavenly Birth", sometimes people are bold enough to tell me I'm burying my true feelings. This prompts me to ask myself if I am. If so, maybe a trip to Cincinnati would expose them) No emotion surfaced. I didn't feel any queasiness approaching the hospital as I did on this very date two years ago, admitting Jonnae to the hospital for her bone marrow transplant. I thought, possibly, the reason I had been prompted to come to Cinci was for the encouragement of a family that was there now, only I was not permitted to go into the unit. (It is very high security to protect the low immunity of the transplant patients.) Nor did I see the head doctor. Another thought that had crossed my mind as to "why".

Before I ever arrived on the hospital campus, I accepted the thought that I may never know what the trip was about, but I had been obedient to "the call". Even though the possibility of no answer was accepted, I still continued a question/answer session in my head on the way back home.

If nothing else, I had shared "I GET TO" bracelets with the young men parking cars for the hospital visitors. They embraced the message and were most appreciative of the way it had already changed their day, much more their lives. I saw one of the transplant coordinators, one of the group doctors, and one of Jonnae's nurses. All surprised, yet happy to see me. I spoke with two of the receptionists who had participated in the early Wacky Wednesdays and a director who may be able to assist in activating the Wacky Wednesday program there ( maybe the "why", should we ever know :)

I wasn't able to spend time in the Vernon suite where Jonnae and I had been "quarantined" for two months. Oddly enough, I was looking forward to spending time in that space. Sadly, the hotel is no longer open for business. As I pulled into the parking lot and my eyes took in the boarded windows and vacant lot, I felt the sorrow for those workers we had become so comfortable "living" with, not because they had lost their source of income (that too), but because they truly loved to serve. It was evident from the very beginning that the people who spent their days there, would do it for nothing if they could. The receptionists, bell hops, valet parking attendants/drivers...they all LOVED serving their guests. There was no question about it.

I did visit the lovely St Monica Catholic church. On rare occassion, I had been able to attend Mass there. There was also one visit Jonnae and I were able to make, in the midst of her recovery, to visit the priest, receive reconciliation and communion, and spend some time singing and praying in the Lord's House. I thought maybe something really Divine and special would occur in my revisit to the place, one of those big giant GOD hugs, but I didn't experience it.

All of this seeking, this yearning for God to be with me in a way I have not experienced for a time, this craving, was satisfied yesterday.

Casting Crowns new CD, Until the World Hears, was playing on the stereo in the background as I beseeched Our Father. Multitudes of questions pouring from my heart and soul, with interuptions of sadness as I recalled Jonnae's and my experience two years ago. Occassionally, I caught myself leaving my own thoughts to sing along with the words of praise playing on the stereo. The bantering of questions and answers went on for a time. Then I noticed a hawk soaring up above and the thought occurred to me, maybe I just need to pay better attention and yet again surrender control of how and when this journey unfolds. Maybe my heightened awareness has become lackadaisic. And then, miraculously it happened.....an Eagle perched in a tree just off the side of the road. In a lone tree, closer to the road than most, an eagle blended in with the barren branches, watching over the passers by. Many a passenger would go by and not even see it. First I was blown away by the fact it was there. In awe, I even turned my head as I drove past to keep my eyes on it as long as possible, wanting to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing. I was blown away with the fact it was there, and blown away even more that I had seen it, just after the inner voice told me to pay better attention . Never before have my eyes, or anyone I've traveled with, seen an eagle just off the highway. Tears flowed and peace came over me. "Even when it's difficult to see me, I'm watching over you." That's what I heard God say and felt to my core. I can't capture with words, the serenity, the love, and the miracle of what transpired, but knowing that it did is sufficient for me. His Grace is sufficient for me. I don't need understanding, answers, or a plan that plays out. All I need is Him. A gift that was delivered through Jonnae and "leuk".

Remarkable Revelation

2009-11-29T09:54:00.000-08:00

I'm continually amazed at how God takes heartbreak or disappointment and spins something amazing out of it. Early in 2009, what I once had perceived as a "dream come true" quickly transformed into a nightmare. Surprisingly, pain is an incredible teacher. It's the lessons that hurt that stick. Because of the lessons I learned through the pain of Jonnae's leukemia, I was better able to bounce back from, and embrace, the lessons contained in the pain of this year.

God's creative in the material He uses to teach me......us. Some choose to turn a deaf ear to Him. However, me personally...the more I know Him, the more I want to know Him. The more He has to say to me, the more I want to hear Him speak.

I don't imagine God getting frustrated at how long it can take me to get the lessons. Instead, I think He must find me rather amusing. Maybe He's like me and appreciates a good challenge. I don't wish to, but I surely must challenge His patience. (Thank you God for being so patient)

I'm like a child in so many ways (and amuse myself with that analogy often). Children love stories. To help me through the pain and lead me to a place of understanding, God used two stories to better teach me the life lessons I was having such a hard time getting. Although entirely different in their nature, one fiction and one not, finally, I GET IT!

When one is confident and strong it intimidates others. Instead of tapping into the power of greatness they have within themselves, weaker and less confident souls will be meanspirited and try to intimidate and hurt the one(s) they are jealous of. The Wicked Witch did it with Dorothy. Saul did it with David. As God revealed this Truth, He restored my confidence and strength. It wasn't a quick lesson; I questioned God numerous times. Part of me wanting to make sure I was understanding Him and another not wanting to believe what He was saying. As God always is, He was Patient and Loving.

Upon her arrival in Oz, Dorothy was told the Witch would make Dorothy miserable and the sooner she got out the better. It took her a while to figure out how, but eventually she reclaimed the power she had had all along (but had forgotten) and she left. Once David learned Saul did not have a spirit of God, he chose not to follow and left Saul's command. Revenge wasn't necessary, no nasty exchange took place, it was simply a time for both to move on.

I'm in awe of how God continues to mold, teach, hold, and love me. I'm intrigued by how long it can take me to get the lesson and fascinated by the way God finally gets through. This week I was ecstatic to be given the opportunity to speak at a Women in Business Luncheon at The Grand. (the location of Jonnae's Celebration of Life) I was returning to this location for the first time since that amazing day and just knew that showing the 5 minute video of Jonnae's Celebration would be the perfect way to give the Spirit of Christmas. (What I long to do not just this time of year, but every day. The Spirit of Christmas is the Love of God and to turn people on to that is my purpose and calling). Only late Thursday evening I got a call that the committee had met one last time and only wanted me to talk about what I had been up to this year.

I was devestated with the disappointing news. I wanted to give the gift of that day and the powerful inspiration that would surely come from sharing it as captured on video. How would my talking about this year and what I had been up to be a gift to anyone. As I struggled with the disappointment and reminded myself that faith is not needing to understand the reason, but to accept it as God's plan, I heard that Divine inner voice remind me I was like David.

It was then that another miraculous revelation took place. On numerous occassions, because of her battle with the GIANT known as "Leuk" and her defying the odds, I had referred to Jonnae as David (She liked it and told me to call her Davey). I have also said that Jonnae and I had become one. As I realized that we have both been called David, I feel both her and God's embrace. There is more to David's story than that of David and Goliath. I would not have learned about it had it not been presented to me through God's Living Word and the lessons He taught me through it this year. Not only has the time come for me to be strong and move on, the time has also come for me to embrace the rest of the story, not only Jonnae's as a young "David against Goliath", but mine also, as it mirrors much of David's adult life. It's an incredible story of how the test turning into a testimony. It gives the weary sinner hope and the beaten down strength.

Blessed through the pain of 2009 and how God revealed I have a 'heart like His', I can't help but wonder what He has in store for me in 2010. I guess I GET TO wait and see. :0)

Front and center in His Classroom,
Denise

2009-11-03T15:22:00.000-08:00

Get Plugged In!

The other day I was trying to upload a picture into my computer. Normally, as soon as I connect my camera to the computer an automatic upload begins. After two hours of turning my camera off and on, checking the menus in both pieces of equipment, and even reinstalling software, I decided something was obviously broken and went to unplug the camera. The cord appeared to be plugged into the camera, but it wasn't all the way. I decided to give an extra push. The "click" happened, the connection was made and the automatic upload began.

One of the many gifts I found, in the center of Jonnae's leukemia, was God's way of communicating to us through "ordinary" circumstances. I pick up on His guidance and offerings of peace, love, and understanding in ways that I never did before.

As I realized the cord appeared to be plugged in, but was not all the way, I heard that inner voice say, "Are you sure you're plugged in?" It is this type of experience that gives birth to an investigation - soul searching if you will. It often gives me clarity, discernment, guidance, and opportunity for new growth if I accept the invitation for it.

With the soul searching that stemmed from the question, "Are you sure you're plugged in?" I realized I've been close, but not all the way. I pray often through the day (I spend a large part of my day in silence conversing with God and try not to "talk" to much, but to listen) I've lacked that connection that's made through spending time IN His Living Word. I speed read through my daily online devotions, but it's been a while since I've sat down and plugged into Scripture. I know from past experience just how loudly God speaks and how much better my day is, when I'm "plugged all the way in".

A few years ago, I had gotten into the habit of following the Catholic calendar of Scripture that is used for daily Mass. I also have embraced, at times, different Bible studies. I've decided that's only one way I'm not plugged all the way in. There are other ways. You can't execute a plan if you've not created one. My daily planning has been less than stellar. My creating a daily plan is what makes my ordinary days extraordinary. I could push myself just a tad more for the "click" to happen and the connections be made.

I've invited my family to join me in a "Last 9 of '09 Taylor Finale". 2 of my kiddos have accepted and are "plugging in" with me. They join me in morning prayer and have taken time to sit down and set short and long term goals, also creating daily plans to make those goals obtainable.
The Gospel reading for today, according to the Catholic calendar is:

Luke 14: 15 - 24
15	When one of those who sat at table with him heard this, he said to him, "Blessed is he who shall eat bread in the kingdom of God!"
16	But he said to him, "A man once gave a great banquet, and invited many;
17	and at the time for the banquet he sent his servant to say to those who had been invited, `Come; for all is now ready.'
18	But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said to him, `I have bought a field, and I must go out and see it; I pray you, have me excused.'
19	And another said, `I have bought five yoke of oxen, and I go to examine them; I pray you, have me excused.'
20	And another said, `I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come.'
21	So the servant came and reported this to his master. Then the householder in anger said to his servant, `Go out quickly to the streets and lanes of the city, and bring in the poor and maimed and blind and lame.'
22	And the servant said, `Sir, what you commanded has been done, and still there is room.'
23	And the master said to the servant, `Go out to the highways and hedges, and compel people to come in, that my house may be filled.
24	For I tell you, none of those men who were invited shall taste my banquet.'"

I have heard the question, "are you sure you're plugged in"? and I've heard God invite me to His table. My soul craves to be nourished by His banquet and I long to keep Him company in His Home. I will not run away from Him, but to Him. I will not ignore His questions or His invitations, I will get plugged in and feel that miraculous connection!

In Gratitude Always, in ALL ways,
Denise

Hit by a "brick"

2009-10-30T08:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we hear something more than once before we REALLY hear it. Scripture, songs, parables, and even "I GET TO" can be that way. Or maybe we just GET TO hear them with a different ear to be blessed with new perspective. This story is such an example, for I've heard it before, but something new struck me this time:

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?" The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister ... please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop."

With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother. He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts and sometimes, when we are busy and think we don't have time to listen, He may even throw a brick at us to get our attention.

I remember being in my car - literally ( I truly believe it was the day before Jonnae's initial leukemia diagnosis in Sept of '05). I was having a silent conversation with myself on the way home from a paint job ( I had my own decorative painting business), "I want to stop and smell the roses. I really need to slow down so that I can appreciate EVERYTHING there is to this experience called life." God can answer us in strange, but powerful ways. "He won't do what makes us happy, He'll do what makes us His." (another one of those sayings I don't know who to credit, but has been a powerful tool for me to build with). God knew I wouldn't slow down on my own, so He hit my fast paced car (life) with a "brick" the next day.

Leukemia was the brick for me. When Jonnae left me in physical body, undeniable damage was left in her place. My dent is the hole in my heart from her no longer being with me (physically) because of it.

My broken heart has made me His! Every day I start with crawling up into the lap of God and asking Him to hold me, strengthen me, breathe new life into me and use me. Somedays I choose to stay right there in silence in His embrace all day. I don't leave the house and I stay in His Lap. Somedays He's like I am when my "big kids" try to sit on my lap. I tell them I love them, but my leg is falling asleep and they need to get down and go have some fun. I get a giggle out of thinking my Heavenly Father is encouraging me to get down out of His Lap. I know He loves me unconditionally and He assures me He's not going anywhere. Sometimes He even asks me to go throw a brick for Him. lol.

I could have never on my own, planned or foreseen the beauty of a brick known as Jonnae's leukemia. The book I've just released, Heavenly Birth is a brick. With the components provided by God, I've put a lot of love and labor into preparing this brick. It is a vivid and powerful reminder of Who I belong to, what my purpose now is, and how that came to be. It's made of pain, faith, miracles, and LOVE. When God directs me to throw it, I do. (I'm not His only easily distracted child, lol.)

I just read a new quote this week by Mother Teresa, "I'm a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world." Heavenly Birth is a brick, but it's also a love letter from God. How it strikes us, may not immediately make us happy, but it reminds us we are His.

I only have the confidence and strength to throw this brick because I am HIS! and therefore, I am HAPPY!!!

In Gratitude Always, in ALL ways,
Denise

My Account of a Runner's High

2009-09-06T15:54:00.001-07:00

It's no secret I don't like cardio, so all this endurance training for the 1/2 in Denver is a real test for my "I WILL NOT QUIT" muscle. The opportunity for my practice of offering up the "pain or sacrifice" of that which I don't WANT to do, up for someone else, has increased substancially. :)

The thing that gets me out the door, is I know I've got a pretty good chance of hearing God speak to me in a profound way that I'm not often "quiet" enough to hear otherwise. Sometimes I get a "call" from Him first thing out the door. Sometimes it's as I'm finishing up. Today the "conversation" began pretty early.

I listen to Jonnae's old playlist, a lot when I run. Something always "shuffles" in that I've not heard before and it's always profound with the message it brings.

I listen to songs with a "different kind of ear" Many times when I'm listening to a secular song, I see if the lyrics are words I could sing to God, or He would sing to me. .

This morning, there was a Hot Apple Pie song (country group) and I heard the words,

"Tell me why can't I get to you?

How can I make you feel everything that I do?
If faith can move mountains, and love will see you through,
Then tell me why can't I,
No matter how I try:
Why can't I get to you?"

I imagined God was talking to me. Ofcourse He can get to me, but I've got to be open to Him first. He gets to me in the most incredible ways when I have my eyes and ears turned up for Him. If I'm distracted and I'm not hearing Him, I imagine He would feel like shaking me and say, "GIRL! Why can't I get "through" to you?", lol. That gave me a little extra kick to my stride.

Then a Martina McBride song came on, (Jonnae loved her) Sometimes a whole song works as a conversation piece for me and God, sometimes it's a verse or two. She sang: (and I heard God saying)

You say yes you need me
And no you wouldn't leave me
And that should be enough to make me stay
And even though I want to
I don't hear I love you
In whatever you say

Oh I know you can hear me
But I'm not sure you're listening
I hear what you're sayin'

But there's somthing missin'

Whether I go, whether I stay
Right now depends on
Whatever you say

So ofcourse, I'm saying, "STAY! I'm listening! You're getting to me God, I promise. What is it? What are you saying?

I've had some pretty incredible experieces this year with animals and the way God speaks to me through them. (No I don't think I'm Dr. Doolittle)

Dolphins, Leopard print, and Geese, were animals that appeared to me during significant times with very powerful messages. Now the yellow finch can be added to the list. I get so excited and anxious to share these things. Some embrace their Divine significance, some are too skeptical. I understand either stance. I haven't always been open enough to embrace that God will speak whenever and however He wants to. I just give thanks that I've evolved into a being that does now. I would hate to miss out on such a cool "visit" from God.

As I've been running the past couple of weeks, it's as if these birds are trying to run with me or into me. I've never seen one on a run before. Now they are flying for exaggerating lengths of time infront of me, crossing my path, or the last time, nearly flying into me. Each time, I've thought, I should look up what a yellow finch symbolizes when I get back. Then I would forget until it happened again. When the last little guy looked like he was going to fly right into me, I laughed and think I even said outloud, "Okay, okay".

So I came in and looked up the symbolism of the yellow finch this morning. Yep! I HEARD HIM! God's GOT ME! :) They represent God's eternal love and TRUST! How cool! Something else interesting, they symbolize heightened awareness and they are NEVER quiet. lol. They believe in the power of voice. WOWSER!!! Gotta love God's "small play". Well, some would chalk it up as "small". To me, it's quite AWESOME and HUGE!!!

My husband, Johnny, doesn't normally get into such things. (He loves nature though. It's opening weekend for the deer bowseason in KY, and he's away experiencing one of his passions) I text him about my exciting experience and he said, "Well, what does a hummingbird represent? I've been visited by one two days in a row."

I looked it up and could hardly wait to text the info back to him. The hummingbird has powerful spiritual significance and is a symbol of resurrection. The part of the soul that seemed to die, frozen in post traumatic stress, wakes up. (Johnny has really been struggling with Jonnae's passing and the fact that we cremated her, but she was adamant in letting me know that's what she wanted) Hummingbird is the creature that opens the heart. When the hurt that caused us to close our hearts gets a chance to heal, our hearts are free to open again.

Hummingbirds teach fierce independence. They fight in a way that no one gets hurt. Having the courage to refrain from creating new trauma by communicating non-violently. (I'm never quiet. I fight with loudness of voice, because like the finch, I believe in it's power. He's the one that will walk out of the room to not create "new trauma" and be non violent. Pretty interesting)

Like the hummingbird, our souls want to hover at beautiful moments in our lives, to fly back and savor the past. (Johnny's had a hard time embracing that we move forward. Everything to him is about what's in the past. He has a picture of a stairway hanging over his sink in the bathroom. It says, "I wish I could build a stairway to Heaven. I would come get you and bring you home". I told him she wouldn't come back and neither would he if he knew what she knows) Maybe the healing is finally at a point where his soul will resurrect and he can move forward with me and the children.

(No joke, just now, as I'm typing this blog, he text me and said the hummingbird just came back to him again. God is so COOL!!!)

With this kind of runner's high, I'll keep running even after the marathon is over. However, I will expect God to speak to me within a 3-5 mile run, lol.

In Gratitude Always, in ALL ways,

Denise

A Special Birthday Wish

2009-09-02T04:24:00.000-07:00

She would have been 17 today.

To celebrate a life that continues to encourage, inspire, and give us strength, share the power of "I GET TO" with some one new, as a way to celebrate her with me today.

For those of you not familiar with this practice, don't say "I HAVE to", say "I GET TO". Gratitude is the key to overcoming adversity. You can use it in all circumstances. She didn't say, "I HAVE To have chemo". Instead, she said, " I GET TO to have chemo!", realizing children don't always have the hope of a cure. Realizing not everyone has access to medical care. Instead of saying, "I HAVE TO bury a child today." I said, "I GET TO release her into the hand of Our Loving Father". I can't describe the shift that occurs when you find gratitude in the most difficult of circumstances.

If you haven't seen Jonnae's tribute video that TTV produced for the Celebration of Life event we had for Jonnae before her "Heavenly Birth" watch it at Tribute. She talks about "I GET TO" on it.

If you have an "I GET TO" share, post it here. Let's CELEBRATE Jonnae in a special way today!

2009-08-24T19:55:00.000-07:00

God's 3 Answers:

"Yes"

"Not Yet"

"I have something better in mind!"

I read this on a plaque this week and truly, I know it will change my life. As a person who's been impacted far too negatively by the word "No!" and the feelings of rejection that came from it, I will no longer allow it to have power over me. What was once perceived as a human "no" will now be interpreted as God's "Not Yet!" or "I have something better in mind". God knows best! I know all too well, fighting against His plan, because I'm too stuck on my own, only leads to frustration, sorrow, and exhaustion.

Nearly a year ago I heard "not yet" when I was dreaming out loud. I was frustrated by humans rejecting my dream of giving birth to a book and aggravated that God was asking me to wait. As it turns out, He had something better in mind. Now, the realization of that dream is upon me. After a long gestation period and intense labor, the baby's head is finally crowning.

When Jonnae relapsed in Sept '07, I began blogging daily for two reasons, I needed to update everyone on her condition and I needed to share what I was feeling. Things I would probably not have shared in person, were purged through my written word. It was very powerful, therapeutic, and enlightening.

I constantly heard God speaking in me and through me. As a result, the readers and I were blessed abundantly.

As I stumbled and fell through my first year without Jonnae, the words and thoughts contained in the journal, pulled me back up and gave me solid footing again. Even though I had heard the words before and HAD LIVED THEM, I needed reminded of the powerful moments and lessons they contained.

I've never wanted so badly to share something, as I do the love, joy, and peace I've found through the gift of those nine months. I was blessed as I lived them, as I recall them, and as I use them to enhance my life now. Intense pain and sorrow are contained within that time period, but the lessons that came from them are beyond invaluable.

It is my prayer, that by publishing the journal, those who weren't blessed to walk the journey with us as we prepared to let Jonnae go, will be still. I reread the journal for the first time in April and have again three times since. Each time, I'm blessed more than I anticipate, even though I know what's coming.

God is so amazing. He is my source for everything. When I allow Him to be all He is in me, I find strength, as well as rest. He gives me comfort, wisdom, love, and light. I'm in awe of where I am, considering what it took to get here. But that is GOD. With Him ANYTHING is possible!

When things seem difficult please be empowered with Jim Stovall's words in The Ultimate Gift, "Anything worth going through gets tougher before it gets easier. Learning is a gift, even when Pain is the teacher."

People from all over the world have encouraged and supported me this first year without Jonnae’s physical presence. Their and your prayers and emails have blessed me beyond measure. I couldn't possibly repay you, but I’m more than thrilled to offer something back as I share this journey with each of you. It is my prayer that you will be filled with a sense of wonder and grace as your eyes fall upon yet another one of God’s precious miracles, Heavenly Birth.

order info here

....but I don't want to!

2009-08-12T11:40:00.000-07:00

Today was another wild and Wacky Wednesday. I do believe this dream is coming closer to being a reality.

A couple of months ago, I was getting on the elevator to head up to the 7th floor of the children's hospital (the one we stayed on through Jonnae's treatment) to get my wacky wagon and get the wild party started. A nurse asked me what I was doing. I let her know that I was there to replace the sickness with silliness and provide the best kind of medicine there is....laughter. The only side effect is a smile :)

She loved the wacky outfit I had on and the whole concept. She begged me to come to the 8th floor, which is post op recovery, and visit "her kids". She said her staff would love it too. I was more than ready to oblige, because up until this point, I had pretty much been throwing out invitations to everyone and no one wanted to join in.

For the last couple of Wacky Wednesday's the nurses on the 8th floor have been participating, wearing wiggly antenna headbands, silly hats, wigs and glasses. Today the anesthesiologist was even going around bonking people on the head with a wacky hammer that had sound effects.

The post op staff had told the pre op floor about Wacky Wednesday and they wanted us to come visit them too. The staff on that floor had not seen us before, but were eager to take things of the cart for themselves to get their kids to join in and it ended up being the best Wacky Wednesday to date. (funny thing, the volunteer leading us around had just asked who stocked the cart and how often I placed orders. I told her up until this point, I was stocking the cart with proceeds from I GET TO bracelets and ordered once a quarter. If participation continues like today, monthly orders will be necessary and I will GET TO find a corporate sponsor or establish a fundraising committee for assistance. Definitely a sign of growth and progress :)

These hospital visits are not a walk in the park for me. They are a walk down memory lane. I don't imagine many parents who've lost a child would choose to revisit the place that holds the most painful memories imaginable in one's life. There's always a lump that forms in my throat and a heavniness that lands on my heart when I'm outside, and in, the room we told Jonnae the fight against leukemia was not going to end as we'd prayed for. Most would want to forget those the void that will never be filled and things that created such sorrow....but I don't want to!

If I forget those courageous sweet sick children:

I will forget to be grateful for every healthy thing that exists in my body.I will forget to give thanks for the ability to walk and will complain about my aching back and knees. I will forget to be grateful that I have freedom and enough energy to move about and will complain about a full schedule or being tired.

If I forget those parents who feel so helpless and cut off from the world:

I will forget to be grateful for active, healthy children and will complain about running all over town for their needs. I will forget to be thankful they are teenagers and complain about how much stress they create.

I will forget to give thanks for a job and an income and complain I have too many bills to pay.

I will forget to give thanks for a good night's sleep and complain about needing to get up early.

I posted a quote in the central forum yesterday.

"Any process worth going through is going to get tougher before it gets easier. Learning is a gift, even when pain is the teacher."

There's a story behind how we found the movie, The Ultimate Gift. I'm not going to elaborate on it now, but that movie is where I heard this powerful statement.

I've learned alot from Jonnae, leukemia, and pain. If I forgot the pain, I would forget what I've learned. I would forget how to accept broken dreams and move on to something better. I would forget to not "sweat the small stuff" I would forget how to live with an attitude of gratitude or how to forgive everything and everyone. I would forget how pride, my own and that of others, contaminates a spirit-filled life.

I've been able to leave the world's way of seeing life through a cheap view finder, and have found the gift of life, in ALL things, as I see it on God's Hi Def big screen.

Abandoning the Wacky Wednesday dream and moving on to something easier would allow me to forget a lot.....but I don't want to!

How Much More Can I Stand

2009-07-26T16:27:00.000-07:00

There are times when I'm just overcome with life. Overcome with AWE, as tragedy gives birth to unimaginable strength, love, faith, and dreams.

Of course I can speak first hand. Unless I had experienced it, I wouldn't have believed that the pain and suffering of my daughter, and saying good bye to her, would bless me in such profound and beautiful ways. I've become so in tune with Our Father, seeing Him present in ways that I had overlooked, that many overlook.

What my daughter's life and Heavenly Birth continue to produce is nothing short of incredible. Hindsight revealed the blessing of the crucifixion. Would anyone who witnessed that horrific day have believed the magnificence that would spring from it?

I don't know what's triggered this last phase of heightened sensitivity, but I find tears streaming down my face several times a day. Not tears of sorrow, mind you. My kids witness the tears and ask, "Are you okay?" To which I reply, "More than!" Just a few moments ago, it was, "Why are you crying?" I explained, "I love witnessing love!" My oldest looked to his best friend and shook his head as if to apologize, "She's so lame.", he said. I laughed and said "Then I love being lame!" And I do.

I know many feel sorry for me because of what I've been through, but I find myself feeling more sorry for those who can't get past adversity to see the gift in it. We are all so blessed and have too easy a time forgetting.

My family is big on watching movies together in the evenings. I live with four guys and a "daddy's girl", so you can imagine how outnumbered I am when it comes to pickin the movie for our viewing pleasure. I reluctantly sat down last night to watch a movie called, "Defiance". I had already stereo typed it as another one of those violent war movies that the guys love and I don't. Just another lesson in how far off we can be when we are quick to judge by a cover or outward appearance. It was a movie based on a true story about three brothers. Simple farmers who were outnumbered and outgunned, in the forest on the run from the Germans, yet they led and saved a group of war refugees as they fought for freedom. Their story was one that truly was a testament to the human spirit. I felt my gratitude for the life I've experienced, the strength and protection that comes from my faith, and the freedom that we have in this country, increasing with every minute. As the credits rolled, I wiped away tears and exclaimed to my family anyone who complains about "HAVING TO go to work" is just incredibly paralyzed in the gratitude department. We have so much to be thankful for.

Today my body has declared it a day of rest and recovery. I slept very little Friday night and got to enjoy a long day yesterday. I've been on the sofa, in our quiet home, surfing the site and enjoying a marathon of America's Got Talent. Again a show I had judged as a waste of time and as a result had not watched before. There are a lot of people wasting time pursuing fame with no talent what so ever, but tucked away in the midst of them are some incredible stories that touch the deepest part of one's heart and soul. There was a trio of sisters who were so amazingly close. You could tell how genuine their love for one another and shared passion for pursuing their dream was. Even more beautiful was a couple of teenage brothers and their sister who had discovered their talent while singing at their mother's bedside while she was in a coma. They were amazing. (an inimaginable dream born from a tragedy) A stay at home mom completely won over everyone who witnessed her voice. She's in remission, after having battled cancer for 5 years. Living a dream unimaginable. She said, "When you have hope, you keep going."

I have more than hope. I can't put it into words. I've just today experienced another one of God's revelations that's impossible to relay. Sometime's I feel as if I'm ready to self combust with the realization of God's presence and masterful plan. No being can create what God's love, mercy, and glory can. I don't wish for you to experience pain to obtain a vision that allows you to see His Hand in your life, but I sure want you to experience Him in ALL things.

I'm not sure how much more I can stand. :) God is in the details. I hope you are open to seeing, hearing, and feeling Him always, IN ALL WAYS!!!

Denise

Hope for the "knuckleheads"

2009-07-24T08:33:00.000-07:00

"FINALLY! Poor little knucklehead! It took forty one years; a lot of mistakes, a lot of disappointment, a lot of pain,
and a lot of faith and perseverance, but she finally gets it"

what God smiled and said this morning.

It's my spirit that's developing into something more when I'm in the gym pumping iron or pushing myself through a cardio session. What I love about my workouts these days is my body is just along for the ride. (although it benefits immensely) I'm so far from where started.

I spent years being a co-dependant, people pleasing, girl, teenager, and woman needing to draw attention to myself. What that meant most of the time was using my body to do so. Why? Because I needed love and didn't know how or where to find it.

Through my confusion and discontentment, I thought having a beautiful body would compensate for what I didn't feel in my heart and soul or what I didn't like about my face. I had more control over changing the shape of my body than I did changing the look of my face and....it would get people to pay attention to me.

In highschool I dressed very differently, not in a sexual way, just an odd attention grabbing way. Through college and much of my married life, different turned into provocative. I've just very recently become uncomforable with that style of dress and the reason just struck me this morning during my workout.

Before my intent was to draw attention to myself. Now my intention is to draw attention to God. Before I needed to be praised and adored. After some real eye opening lessons, the thought of someone directing that adoration and praise to me, instead of to God, is very disturbing. I have found a self love for who God created in me, through acceptance and forgiveness for all the mistakes I've made. I know God's love in the most intimate, authentic way. No human's love can compare.

I'm in awe with the path it took to lead me to this amazing place. I've pulled off of the road at one of those breath taking "look out points". (We have those here in the mountains.) It's not a place to spend a lot of time or to take up residence. It's merely a place to take a moment and appreciate the magnificent creation of God's hand. That's what I'm doing.

The climb to this "look out" point took a lot of energy, pain, falling, forgiveness, perseverance and faith. My pain propelled me into Our Father's embrace. I misused my body, sought love in the wrong places, jeopardized my marriage and family, and let go of my daughter's physical body as God waited for me to get to here.

Our journeys and the mountains we climb in the midst of them are different, but I believe they are also very similar. We often look to receive attention from other human beings. It is my prayer that if you aren't already there, you soon look in the mirror and know the person looking back at you is the loving source you need to draw from. Ultimately it is that person you see in the mirror who needs to love you enough to look out for your best interest. People come and go. Some you want to say good bye to, some you desperately want to hang on to.

It's not love from someone else that you need, but love from within. Ultimately, no one or nothing can be our "everything" That love doesn't come from who you are on your own, but who God is in you. Peace doesn't come from what we have, but from what we are willing to give. I'm simply in awe of the journey. I'm amazed at how desperate I was for someone else to provide what I already had. When you stop looking for love outside yourself and open up to God as your source of love from within, you'll transform from "knucklehead" to "one who gets it".

Prevailing with a Powerful Presence

2009-07-21T16:18:00.000-07:00

It began as we drove down to Gulf Shores, Alabama for our first family vacation in three years. We last visited this condo and beach after Jonnae's initial leukemia diagnosis and 16 months of chemo (with another 12 months to go). She was feeling better than she had in months and looking so forward to a week of fun in the sun and her going back to school. (She had been homeschooled since her diagnosis.)

Thoughts of my girl visit me every day, but the last two weeks have been different. It's been a flood of memories.

In trying to relay this beautiful place I've inhabited the last couple of weeks, I compare it to the experience a child has with an imaginary friend. I'm 41, but feel like a child in heart and spirit :) Much of that is because of what I've learned through my daughter's illness and Heavenly Birth. My imaginary friend is not imaginary at all, she's very real. She's more than a friend, she's my daughter, my soul mate, and my God given guide. I continue to be taught by her example every day.

A stomach bug paid our family a visit at the start of our vacation. It introduced itself to Johnny on the drive down, spent the first morning with Lydia, and a couple of days with me before departing. I can't recall the last time I've felt so awful. I found myself in thanksgiving as I realized I have had such a very long string of healthy days and how seldom a day like this was to me. I reflected on how Jonnae, and so many dealing with chemo, have experienced so many days similar to the one that was so painful and challenging for me. I know she doesn't need it from me, but I found myself apologizing for her having been asked to endure so much sickness. I don't believe I was experiencing sorrow, just a more profound admiration and appreciation for a young girl so courageous and strong. She's been keeping me company since and I'm enjoying her "stay" .

For the last couple of weeks it's as if I can hear her saying, "Hey Mom!!! Remember when.....?" In reflection of those memories she's called up, I've shed some tears. But more than sorrow, I've felt joy and an embrace of great LOVE.

A couple days ago I decided to run to the playlist she had created for her ipod. It was very early in the morning and the memory that I headed out on the run with, was of the early morning run I took the day she joined God in Heaven. Every single song I heard on her playlist this week had a line that spoke volumes to me. Most of them were very poignant. But there were lighter moments too, like when I giggled and picked up my pace as Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Were Made for Walkin" came on. (Jonnae could have that attitude about her when she wanted to. :) My run ended with a song that sang, "peace like a river; joy like a fountain, flows" ...it was as I finished that run and has continued to.

This past Wednesday was another Wacky Wednesday at the Kosair Children's Hospital. They never start out being easy. Much like the run I had experienced, I began the day feeling heavy, stiff, and more like a dying ember. However, I ended feeling light, free, and on fire with a LOVE of life and all I've experienced to get to this place. All of it being by the grace of God and the strength and protection I find in my faith.

Many have written lately about going to see "My Sister's Keeper" and how it has reminded them of Jonnae and I. One person even stated, "It's your life, you must see it". I went in with a mild anxiety, anticipating sorrow might be the prominant emotion to be pulled up. I was equipped with plenty of tissue and ready. A good cry can be cleansing. I had already begun to experience a mild "cleansing" earlier in the week as my husband and I went and saw "The Proposal". I had a "weepy leak" just watching the previews for the movie "Fame" I'm an emotional person. I cry for every emotion and often. Anytime I see someone obtaining a dream by throwing their heart over the bar, I get emotional. I'm just a sap when it comes to romance, comedy or not, so that's where the tears came from for The Proposal. I ended up blowing my nose in my sweat jacket (gross I know, but I was snotting and unprepared) With "My Sister's Keeper" though, I found myself comparing our story to that of the family in the movie. I didn't cry much because more than anything I saw the "storybook" version of leukemia. Even though it wasn't all "pretty" and there were moments when you felt through the characters, just how painful the journey can be, I didn't get to experience with Jonnae what that mother did with her daughter.

Jonnae didn't ever have a boyfriend. She didn't get to experience a prom, a dance with a boy who cared about her, or a first kiss. She didn't get to have that last day at the beach (her wish that Make a Wish had intended to grant was to see one of the beaches of the Caribbean. She wanted to ride a horse on the beach. Someday I'm gonna do that to celebrate her) I thought briefly about all the things that this mother and daughter were experiencing that we did not. However just as the movie states in the end. "the point is not that I didn't get to experience those things. The point is I GOT TO BE HER MOTHER! and I experience A LOT of beautiful wonderful things with her!!!"

I found myself laughing at a couple of things that were comparable. For instance, how ridiculous some people can be when they think they have something helpful to say. There was a visit at the hospital where the mom and daughter in this movie were just smiling and zoning out as the visiting friends and family simply had no clue how absurd they sounded. Another giggle came as the girl (Kate) had made a scrapbook and there was a page dedicated to why her dad won at scrabble - he cheats. HA! Johnny cheats at boardgames to win. It's no secret, we all know to keep an eye on him, lol. Jonnae LOVED playing scrabble. I think I laughed out loud at that point of the movie. Also, the mom shaves her head to prove to the daughter she's placing too much emphasis on her outward appearance. I offered to do that and my sweet, precious daughter let me know I have a long nose and shaving my head would just draw more attention to it. lol. When I suggested the boys shave theirs to make her more at ease when we were out, she replied matter of factly, "they would be butt ugly if they were bald" :) That was her way of disguising the fact that she really didn't want us to do anything on account of her....that she was okay. (we all know she was more than okay :)

Through all of the reflection, whether the tears came at times out of sorrow, feeling her loving presence, or experiencing the grace of God wrapped in the midst of it all, I know I live life in a way that would be impossible to live had I not experienced everything that I have.

I'm able to see more, hear more, feel more, love more, all as a result of leukemia and my daughter's early exit from this world. I am existing from a plain that I would not have reached had I not used the adversity, pain, and lessons, as stepping stones to get me here.

I believe we all have gifts that we use or abuse -healthy bodies, intelligence, spirituality - I witness people using, abusing, and misusing their gifts. It's easy for me to decipher now because of the heightened sense God's gifted me with as I've remained open to His guidance. I'm using my gifts now, but that's not always been the case. Before Jonnae's illness, one of the gifts I abused was my body. I didn't take good care of it. Once I started taking care of it, then I misused it. Not anymore. I was in a vicious cycle and God used Jonnae to save me. She accepted His will, knowing I, and many others, would be saved through her faith and my sharing our stories. Regardless of how I miss her physical presence and the memories we could have shared, I can not find myself being sorrowful for the life I have now and how God will continue to use it to bring those who are lost back into alignment with Him.There's no greater experience than one that's led and blessed by God! This smile in the midst of a battle with cancer proves it!

She prevailed with the powerful presence of God. Even with the immense void I feel without her physical body, as her spirit accompanies His and lifts me up, I will prevail with a powerful presence too.

Seeking to have a heart more like His (and hers), always in ALL ways, Denise

So Ready for a Delivery

2009-07-03T05:12:00.000-07:00

Last June, only weeks after Jonnae had passed, I was intent on moving forward and sharing all that I'd learned, we'd learned, together. I talked of publishing the journal I'd kept those last months of her earthly life. Some people were supportive; some expressed their concern, they didn't feel I was allowing myself adequate time to feel the loss. (I've used analogies of pregnancy and birth throughout the year. The comparisons are so easy and don't seem to ever stop.) Sometimes parents lose a baby and immediately try to get pregnant again. Some support it, some worry. But God is the determining factor and if it's His will, when the time is right, He'll create a new life. He's done that in me. I'm not talking about a baby in the literal sense as a human being, but in the figurative since, as with this book.

The talk of my creating a book began in June, but it wasn't until October that God "announced" to me it was time. Much like the first trimester in a pregnancy, there was an excitement that came with the announcement, as well as the question, "Am I really ready for this?" The initial months didn't reflect much was growing, but I remained in faith and moved naturally with God, the Father and Creator of this baby.

I got excited as He scheduled my first ultrasound in March, an event in CA with agents, publishers, and professionals in the book industry. The picture didn't produced the results I had hoped for. It was like those first shots I saw of my real babies. (ultrasounds have come a long way since then) Back when I was in the "baby making business" the shots weren't real clear. You could only make out enough to see there was indeed a baby there. And that's about all that was confirmed in CA, a book was there.

It wasn't until April that there was evidence the book was undeniably developing and a due date established. The birth of this baby is near and I'm finding myself very much like a pregnant mother in the last months of pregnancy. Exhausted, emotional, and just ready to push it out. lol. You think I'm kidding? I told my publisher, "When a mother gives birth, the nurses take over for a few days, to give her rest. I'm so ready for you to be my nurse." :)

I'm eager to give birth. A mother sacrafices a lot to do what's best for the baby. This book experience is the same in that capacity as well. For the miracles I'll witness as a result of them, it's so worth it, but I'm ready for this phase to end and the next one to begin. It won't come without the challenges a new mom (or author) faces, but it'll be something different and I'll be able to reclaim some of my prepregnancy life that I've been missing :)

You'll get an announcement when the baby's born, just incase you'd like to hold it. I'm anxious to witness how God's Light and Love will comfort and lift you when your eyes fall upon it, just as with any of His precious creations.

The name's been chosen already - Heavenly Birth - A Mother's Journey, A Daughter's Legacy