It wasn't even noon yet, and the gifts I experienced today pretty sweet; quite appropriate for Valentine’s Day. The intention of this blog is to share one of those gifts with you, with hope it's as sweet for you also.

As often happens when I’m in my car driving, a new metaphor came to me this morning. I had been reflecting on emotions. How we get to experience all of them and none of them bad. How each of them show up in our lives; some expected, some surprise guests. Each of them bear a gift of awareness wrapped in a variety of different ways. Some are attractive and we want to play with them. Some aren’t. We get to choose which guests we share the most time with; which gifts we’ll use most. Yet it’s important we acknowledge all of them before choosing.

As an inspirational speaker and perspective trainer, I get to share my experience of life’s surprise party, the gifts I receive and how I go about unwrapping them often. Frequently, I find myself wondering what people think as I express my authentic gratitude and joy. It’s easy for me to be happy when I’m getting to share Jonnae’s life story and mine. It’s natural for me to radiate positive energy and hope when I’m getting to do what I love to do. When audiences aren’t seeing the other emotions I get to experience, how do I let them know I can relate to the not so fun feelings we have. How do I relay to them the manner in which I experience the guests of sorrow and frustration bearing gifts of heartache and struggle?

A new metaphor to aid me in translation came. When we experience a tangle in our hair, we use a comb to work it out and get rid of it. If we don’t, eventually that small tangle will grow into a massive mess, much harder to manage. Once we’ve worked the tangle out, we set the comb down. We don’t carry it around all day, just waiting for another tangle to form. This would hinder the use of our hand in creating or working on something else.

If we don’t work through the nasty feelings or emotions we feel as they arise, they manifest into something much bigger. These guests who aren’t so fun to sit with; the gifts they bring that we didn’t ask for or want, won’t overstay their welcome, if we just deal with them before they take up an unwelcome residence.

There are mornings, I wake up with tangles of emotion that’s are naturally a result of Jonnae’s Leukemia and “Heavenly Birth.” Hair for the most part is beautiful; tangles just come with it. Some beautiful styles are even created with tangled, teased or knotted hair.  ;) I believe the same is true of Jonnae’s, my and all of our life stories. They are beautiful. We get to choose the styles we create with them. Most of the time, we probably won’t want to incorporate tangles, but there may be times we choose to. If tangled isn’t what we want to experience, we get to pick up our emotional, spiritual, perspective combs and work them out before they become a mess. When I’m out enjoying my day, if an unwanted tangle presents itself, I pull out the tools I’m blessed to always have in my possession and work through it on the spot. This is what consistently allows me to create beautiful fun days.

I hope this metaphor blesses you with something that allows you to do the same, should beautiful and fun, and something less messy, be what you desire to create. :D

Christmas Presence

During the Christmas season of 2007 a very special teen’s bone marrow transplant took place. A few months later, her doctor called to report the transplant was unsuccessful. Today, I get to report the healing intended to take place with the bone marrow transplant didn’t happen, but another healing did. The bone marrow transplant didn’t prove to be successful, but what were was the eye, ear, brain and heart transplants that ensued because of it. I’m not talking about a donation of Jonnae’s organs. The chemo and radiation she’d undergone to beat “Leuk” made it impossible for to offer organs. I’m talking about transplants that happened within me. Because of my daughter’s 3 year battle with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, I have new eyes through which I see; new ears through which I hear; a new way of thinking with a ‘transplanted’ mind and a new heart through which I love. All combine to create an enhanced life experience beyond human understanding. I’m forever grateful for the gifts I continue to experience, courtesy of a life so beautifully lived by a daughter so beautifully healed.

Once her leukemia diagnosis came, Jonnae’s body never really healed, but her spirit sure did. Our spirits are way more valuable than our bodies. The body has an end, the spirit lives on. (Some may feel the need to argue this point. If this is you, please finish reading first!)  

Most only know of the valiant spirit Jonnae had during her battle with Leuk. Few know of the victim she was in the 6^th grade when leukemia first took up residence in her broken body. I haven’t given voice to the bullying that was happening to her in that transitional year from 5^th grade to middle school. Girls can be so caddy. We all know this! For years, I did not want to feed the guilt and shame I knew must be eating at the girls responsible for the nastiness that sent my daughter home from school crying every day. At the time, it didn’t matter if the world knew about it, the girls did. I believe Jonnae’s broken spirit is what led to the ‘broken body’ where Leuk chose to reside. (This could be a topic of an entirely different blog but because this is MY belief, I refused to break down the spirit of the girls and contribute to their suffering. There will be a time and place to share those stories and shine a different light on bullying later.)

The reason I am writing this particular blog is to celebrate the gifts I’ve received in the continuing classroom of life this year (6 years after that Christmas of life changing transplants). I do not want a single Christmas season to pass, where I don’t sit still long enough to reflect on the life I get to live, and lessons learned. Because of the stillness and sometimes surprising sweetness of that Christmas hospital stay where Jonnae and I were cut off from the world, both of our spirits were healed. As a matter of fact, I try to explain my craving (of course not wanting it delivered or wrapped in the same way) for a Christmas season of separateness from a world that mostly does not see, hear, think or love from the same place I do, particularly this time of year.

This is not an egotistical perspective. I’m not out to prove myself right or convert others to my beliefs. (Because it’s so common when one shares from the heart publicly, and I just experienced this very thing earlier in the week with a Facebook post, please do not interpret this blog as an invitation where you are welcome to come in and attempt to do that with me.) Humility is a gift I’m most grateful to get to experience. I still have much to learn and improve on and not only am I fully aware of that, I’m eager to get on with it. My transplanted eyes, ears, mind and heart did not come from a human being or teacher, they came from the Ultimate Creator and I choose to let the refinement of me continue the same way. No substitute teacher need try to edge God out and teach me their beliefs their way. As I mentioned in the piece I wrote earlier this week, whether the test here or the grade ‘there’, I’m not afraid of failure or making the Teacher’s grade. The One to whom I’m most accountable, loves and understands me and will judge me accordingly. My Teacher is loving, compassionate, forgiving and patient and knows my heart the way no human being can. I’m at peace with that! It may be challenged, but it wins and remains.

So draining, detrimental and depressing to witness the desperate need of so many to prove they are right and have a need to defend themselves in their stance. Pre-leukemia I was of that camp. Judging, righteous and fueled with the belief I was right and had to convert people to the ‘enlightened’ side. If you choose to be there, I’m not judging you for it. It’s your life! We each GET to choose where we camp out to experience it. We each get to move freely when we want to camp somewhere different. My choice is to share life, love and compassion with ALL, regardless who they are with and where they camp.  I choose not to fight about how we are different, but rather to focus on how we are the same. We are here at the same time, sharing the same life and sharing the same struggles and suffering. Even if they come from the different places, they are the same in how we feel them. What I choose as my role while here (actually I believe I’ve been called to it) is to increase healing and happiness in the same surprising way I’ve experienced it. Instead of remaining on the side of struggle and suffering caused from focus on whose with who, I chose to focus on Who I’m with. I left who I was following and learning from, and choose the One calling me to follow and listen.

God has held me over in the classrooms of Perspective, Peace, Love, Compassion and Forgiveness. I’m glad I no longer am in the classroom of Fighting to be Right, Fighting to Convert and Fighting to Hold Others Accountable (especially when its enough to deal with my own accountability and remember Who I’m accountable to.) In listening, I’m being told not to Fight to be Right (if you are, go for it, just don’t use your energy to pick a fight with me. I no longer participate in expending my energy that way.) I used to hear the bell ring and you better believe I went to swinging. I’m no longer interested in stepping in the ring to fuel the fight and struggle.

I’m being called to humility. We don’t know what we don’t know. (and even what we think we KNOW, we most certainly can be wrong) I’m okay with asking questions and either having multiple answers or no answer.  Every day, I seek to learn where I have more to learn. And as a review of 2013 will reveal, even when I’m not seeking it, Life will give me a lesson. The teaching has not come from the world, but from the One who created the world and who sat with me when I was cut off from the world during Christmas of 2007. In the midst of unimaginable struggle and suffering, I was given the gift of a miraculous peace.

God has never left me! When I struggle now, my peace immediately returns when my Accountability Partner, Judge, Teacher, and One who loves me above ALL whispers in the stillness to me… “You are enough. You are appreciated. You are supported, and  you are valued as a ‘player on My team!’ I’ll continue to learn and will continue to contribute to healing and happiness as lessons are presented to me to use in my active examples of using them. Don’t think for one second I’m not through out the day, every day, checking in to reconfirm over and over all of the above!  That I love; that I’m compassionate; that I’m forgiving; that I’m not judging; that I’m increasing healing and happiness and that I’m open to growth and being more of each, every day in every way.

So, with the heart and mind of an eager child, on this eve of my 46^th birthday and Christmas, I’ll go to bed with visions dancing in my head and a hard time going to sleep, wondering if a miracle awaits me on Christmas. My dreams are wildly imaginative,  if one doesn’t come true tomorrow, the resounding reminder to BELIEVE has definitely taken root more these last few months than ever….and so I do!!!!

Almanac of My Soul

A couple of days ago, one might have expected an emotional storm would be passing through. When I awoke on Sept 2, realizing it would have been Jonnae’s 21^st birthday, my prediction reported only 20% chance precipitation might grace my face and if it did, a little tear fall wouldn’t be enough to spoil the gift of the day or anything contained within it.

It just struck me this morning how my life is it’s own Almanac. There are annual dates and events that are easily foreseen and come with predictions. I even have a book for reference if I want to consult it for tips. The annual dates are forever marked and result in an eclipse of sorts. (When these type metaphors arise, I embrace and use them, the best I can, to communicate a perspective being offered me.)

An eclipse is defined as a:the total or partial obscuring of one celestial body by another or b: the passing into the shadow of a celestial body.  c: falling into obscurity or decline. An eclipse is a beautiful way to define what’s happening with me on these dates. As the present moves through the shadow of the past there’s a temporary obscurity that happens with my spirit.

Today is another one of those recorded annual dates that comes with a prediction. Although tear fall isn’t expected, cloudiness is.

On Sept 4, 2007, just 2 days after Jonnae’s 15^th birthday, we went in for her first routine follow up post chemo. She was one month out from having received her last chemo. I picked her up from school (she was only one week in to her freshman year) and we headed to the doctor’s office. The medical staff all came in to congratulate her. Blood was drawn. And off we went back to school, discussing in the car the huge survivor party that was going to be taking place that weekend. She had been planning it for 2 years and the time for it had come now that her 2 ½ year protocol of chemo and radiation was behind us.

The day continued with normalcy. That evening I had a scheduled bike ride as part of my training for a Leukemia Lymphoma Triathlon that was now only a couple of weeks a way. Something I had signed up to do, to commemorate Jonnae crossing her cancer finish line in victory. Once the bike ride was over, I checked my phone and had 10 missed calls. Jonnae and the doctor had tried several times to call me, neither leaving a message. I called Jonnae first and she said she was starting to freak out. The doctor had called the house also and simply told her to have me call him.

The follow up ended up not being routine at all. The doctor let me know how sorry he was before he let me know Jonnae’s blood already had leukemia cells again. He asked me about her siblings for bone marrow possibilities and let me know they’d be doing a bone marrow aspiration in the morning to confirm ‘leuk’ was back.

For all the good memories there are to associate with Jonnae’s birthday on Sept 2, and even with the gratitude I have for what all her battle with “leuk’ taught me and the gift it continues to be for all I get to share it with, the darkness of that day is forever etched on Sept 4. Doesn’t mean I won’t experience the beauty of the Son shining today. Doesn’t’ mean I won’t create new memories and stay focused on the present. Just mean’s the Almanac of my Soul reports there will be intermittent cloudiness for the next several weeks, as those memories and dates are pretty consistent this time of year.

All that being said, there’s nothing stopping me, or YOU, from looking for and counting  the blessings that are new, that await us in the gift of TODAY. So along with my ‘spirit report’ that’s what I’m advising. Focus on what you GET to experience today. Regardless of how it’s wrapped; regardless of it being what you asked for or not; simply see it for the gift it is and say ‘thank you’ Life’s surprise party is much more enjoyable that way!

Energy in Motion

Several weeks ago my spirit drank in every word +Panache Desai poured out in an interview led by +Oprah Winffrey  on Super Soul Sunday. I'm paraphrasing, but what I recall him saying is, "At the core we are ALL energy. EVERY emotion we experience is simply our energy wanting to move."

So as tears streamed down my face at a wedding yesterday, I didn't reach to wipe a single one away. I was present to each drop as it welled out of my eye, flowed down my cheek, fell off my chin and onto my chest where 'the Holy Spirit lovingly captured them to water the garden of my soul.' ( - another paraphrase from the book "The Shack" words my soul instantly embraced to forever change the way I experience tears- differently and beautifully!)

Yesterday's wedding was that of my daughter Jonnae's best friend. On one of the final days Jonnae and I got to share on this earth in physical body, both of us lying in my bed, Jonnae spoke up softly to break the silence between us, "I thought I was going to get married and have a family." The break in my heart tore open even more as I fought back tears (this is before I had read "The Shack") I was struggling to keep solid footing on The ROCK of which I was determined to stand, when these words came from Heaven to deliver us both PEACE. Miraculously I said, "The Bridegroom you are getting ready to meet is better than any man you would have met on earth." I'll never forget the power of that moment! I drew on it yesterday as I watched Maria, wearing Jonnae's tiara, come down the aisle; a river of tears flowing freely down my face.

Flashback: Nearly 5 years ago, my dear friend, Jami mailed a package to Jonnae with accessories for her to wear to her "Celebration of Life" (This celebration was a gift from Heaven as well. The idea was whispered within me one day as Hosparus left, "There is nothing traditional about you and Jonnae. Neither of you like the sorrow filled funerals with focus on the end of an earthly life. Choose instead, a want to celebrate the gift of her life on earth and the result of it's ending, meaning a new beginning for her in Heaven." When the thought was first presented, my human, people-pleasing mind responded with the suggestion that family and friends would not embrace or agree with the idea. My faith filled convicting spirit immediately decided it didn't care. This "Celebration of Life" would replace a traditional viewing after 'death'. I announced the idea and event details on a community web page (this was before FaceBook if you can imagine) A day or so before the "Celebration of Life" a box arrived. It contained a beautiful tiara with a note - "for you to remember you're a princess of the Risen King." Jonnae wore it to her special 'send off' event where hundreds flocked to show her love and celebrate "Heaven's newest star" at a red carpet premier of her video tribute. The event theme created for her as a result of a dream she'd had of her being 'a star.' I'll never forget feeling the 'heartbeat of Heaven' as we wheeled her into @The Grand theater. The simultaneous clapping of those hundreds who'd gathered created a vibration of Love that was palpable in our hearts.

A month or so ago, when I first received the wedding invitation from Maria, I instantly felt a resistance to going. I'd pretty much decided I was not going to face whatever emotion await me at the wedding of one of Jonnae's best friends. Days before the wedding, out of the blue I heard the inner voice suggest I offer Jonnae's tiara to Maria as her 'something borrowed' for her wedding day. (out of the blue...out of left field...since the time one popped up to suggest a "Celebration of Life" for Jonnae, I've come to recognize those whispers from the core of my being as 'plays being called by my 'Head Coach') My human mind attempted a rebuttal, "Offering Jonnae's tiara may have a counter effect of sadness and not result in the sweetness the offer intends. Also, Maria may feel obligated out of guilt to say yes to me, when it's really not something she wants. I'm not going to put her in that position." I let the thought go. Then as God would have it, the idea found it's way into a conversation I was having with a mutual friend. (Jonnae and Maria had been babysitters for her children.) She thought it was a lovely idea and offered to bring it up to Maria, dismantling the 'obligation to me as Jonnae's mom' excuse I had been hiding behind. (I say hiding because ends up the truth of the matter was I knew if I offered the tiara and Maria said yes, it would commit me to attending the wedding.)

The knew the idea was proposed to Maria the night before the wedding, but I hadn't heard back from her and was not pushing for an answer. As a matter of fact, yesterday morning with the wedding only a couple of hours out, I was not ready when I got a call from her at the church, "Could you bring Jonnae's tiara by and let the photographer take a picture of you putting it on my head?" WOW! It was going to happen AND I was not ready. I didn't doubt my spirit was ready, even though I'd resisted. It's shown me time and time again over the last 8 years it has no fear...when left to it's lead, my spirit leaps in faith every time. Even if my spirit was ready, I wasn't ready physically - as in showered, dressed, made up...(this is the beauty of having lost 25 lbs in 2 months and still having no hair as a result of participating in @St Baldricks 3 weeks ago. I can grab anything I want to wear and it fits and there's no hair to fix - cuts prep time and stress because of it tremendously ;) I headed down to the church with my daughter Lydia, delivered the tiara, took the picture, hugged and loved on Maria and headed off to take Lydia to her ballgame before my return to church for the wedding. There was a small well up of tears as the tip of bittersweet reality poked through but I was relieved it wasn't a current so swift or 'out of control'

Lydia and I got back in the car and headed to the school where her team and bus await. As we drove away from the church, where the wedding would take place and where Jonnae's body was buried, I kept hearing Jonnae's words, "I thought I was going to get married and have a family." My thoughts pulled in Maria is getting married and has the family Jonnae dreamed of. She has a 2 month old baby and a husband that exudes authentic love and commitment to her and their daughter. As a human being...a mother... of course an onset of emotion (energy that wanted to move and propel my spirit forward if I allowed and didn't fight it, was knocking on the door of my heart). Whether I would welcome the guest of sorrow to visit wasn't a question...the Universe took care of blowing the door wide open for me.

With my thoughts still on the wedding, the tiara, Jonnae's words, Lydia and I were at a stop sign awaiting traffic to pass, so I could pull out onto the highway. The nose of my car was out a bit more than it should have been, not dangerously so, just not making it easy for the car turning left on the road we were on to do so without going a wee bit further past our car to do so. The driver made an angry gesture at me as she turned in. That's all it took, the dam broke and the first wave of rushing tears flowed. Lydia said, "Mom. You're the only person I know who cries as a result of road rage."She has witnessed my resulting sadness from a driver's rage aimed at me before. I tried to explain. I began with how sad it is when I see my children treating each other in a way that's not loving. I explained how my thoughts were first on the wedding, tiara, her sister Jonnae and my mind not completely on the driving. I was out a little more than I should have been, but not so much so that it should have evoked the anger and toxic energy of the woman who'd been so nasty with her response to it. How are we so mindless that we don't take into consideration what another person might be going through to result in the human experience or exchange the way it's playing out? I told Lydia, I'm shedding tears I was trying to keep at bay from the memories, as well as tears for how God must feel when He looks down on this earth and sees His children behaving so badly towards one another. That woman doesn't  know me, or my intentions, to act out that way towards me. I've become mindful of that unknowing of what another being is going through. I don't let a few extra minutes at a stop sign, or in traffic begrunt me so much that I contaminate the space around me with anger. Jill Bolte Taylor has said, "we are responsible for the energy we bring into a space" and even when it's between two vehicles, in an encounter with a stranger, I will not pour out toxic anger and negative energy over something so small as a few seconds or minutes. That being said, I pray for the person who does, for they must be really hurting or struggling to go off so quickly with such nasty energy. And then I give thanks, that I choose not to live my life that way, to expel or contaminate a space with less than loving energy.

At the end of the day, hours after I was home from the wedding, the tears still flowed and I let them. There's much I can not change about the past, or even instantaneously about the present. However, I do know energy is at the core of our being, and it's wanting to move forward. (Remember F.R.O.G - Fully Rely on God and frogs don't move backwards). Embrace the energy wanting to move and the emotion it's choosing to do so. One thing I know for sure - struggling to keep emotion contained does not let energy flow and blocking energy is no way to propel forward and LIVE!!!

Energy in Motion

Several weeks ago my spirit drank in every word @Panache Desai poured out in an interview led by @Oprah Winfrey on @Super Soul Sunday. I'm paraphrasing, but what I recall him saying is, "At the core we are ALL energy. EVERY emotion we experience is simply our energy wanting to move."

So as tears streamed down my face at a wedding yesterday, I didn't reach to wipe a single one away. I was present to each drop as it welled out of my eye, flowed down my cheek, fell off my chin and onto my chest where 'the Holy Spirit lovingly captured them to water the garden of my soul.' ( - another paraphrase from the book @The Shack; words my soul instantly embraced to forever change the way I experience tears- differently and beautifully!)

Yesterday's wedding was that of my daughter Jonnae's best friend. On one of the final days Jonnae and I got to share on this earth in physical body, both of us lying in my bed, Jonnae spoke up softly to break the silence between us, "I thought I was going to get married and have a family." The break in my heart tore open even more as I fought back tears (this is before I had read "The Shack") I was struggling to keep solid footing on The ROCK of which I was determined to stand, when these words came from Heaven to deliver us both PEACE. Miraculously I said, "The Bridegroom you are getting ready to meet is better than any man you would have met on earth." I'll never forget the power of that moment! I drew on it yesterday as I watched Maria, wearing Jonnae's tiara, come down the aisle; a river of tears flowing freely down my face.

Flashback: Nearly 5 years ago, a dear friend, @Jami Ronda, mailed a package to Jonnae with accessories for her to wear to her "Celebration of Life" (This celebration was a gift from Heaven as well. The idea was whispered within me one day as Hosparus left, "There is nothing traditional about you and Jonnae. Neither of you like the sorrow filled funerals with focus on the end of an earthly life. Choose instead, a want to celebrate the gift of her life on earth and the result of it's ending, meaning a new beginning for her in Heaven." When the thought was first presented, my human, people-pleasing mind responded with the suggestion that family and friends would not embrace or agree with the idea. My faith filled convicting spirit immediately decided it didn't care. This "Celebration of Life" would replace a traditional viewing after 'death'. I announced the idea and event details on a community web page (this was before FaceBook if you can imagine) A day or so before the "Celebration of Life" a box arrived. It contained a beautiful tiara with a note - "for you to remember you're a princess of the Risen King." Jonnae wore it to her special 'send off' event where hundreds flocked to show her love and celebrate "Heaven's newest star" at a red carpet premier of her video tribute. The event theme created for her as a result of a dream she'd had of her being 'a star.' I'll never forget feeling the 'heartbeat of Heaven' as we wheeled her into @The Grand theater. The simultaneous clapping of those hundreds who'd gathered created a vibration of Love that was palpable in our hearts.

A month or so ago, when I first received the wedding invitation from Maria, I instantly felt a resistance to going. I'd pretty much decided I was not going to face whatever emotion await me at the wedding of one of Jonnae's best friends. Days before the wedding, out of the blue I heard the inner voice suggest I offer Jonnae's tiara to Maria as her 'something borrowed' for her wedding day. (out of the blue...out of left field...since the time one popped up to suggest a "Celebration of Life" for Jonnae, I've come to recognize those whispers from the core of my being as 'plays being called by my 'Head Coach') My human mind attempted a rebuttal, "Offering Jonnae's tiara may have a counter effect of sadness and not result in the sweetness the offer intends. Also, Maria may feel obligated out of guilt to say yes to me, when it's really not something she wants. I'm not going to put her in that position." I let the thought go. Then as God would have it, the idea found it's way into a conversation I was having with a mutual friend. (Jonnae and Maria had been babysitters for her children.) She thought it was a lovely idea and offered to bring it up to Maria, dismantling the 'obligation to me as Jonnae's mom' excuse I had been hiding behind. (I say hiding because ends up the truth of the matter was I knew if I offered the tiara and Maria said yes, it would commit me to attending the wedding.)

The knew the idea was proposed to Maria the night before the wedding, but I hadn't heard back from her and was not pushing for an answer. As a matter of fact, yesterday morning with the wedding only a couple of hours out, I was not ready when I got a call from her at the church, "Could you bring Jonnae's tiara by and let the photographer take a picture of you putting it on my head?" WOW! It was going to happen AND I was not ready. I didn't doubt my spirit was ready, even though I'd resisted. It's shown me time and time again over the last 8 years it has no fear...when left to it's lead, my spirit leaps in faith every time. Even if my spirit was ready, I wasn't ready physically - as in showered, dressed, made up...(this is the beauty of having lost 25 lbs in 2 months and still having no hair as a result of participating in @St Baldricks 3 weeks ago. I can grab anything I want to wear and it fits and there's no hair to fix - cuts prep time and stress because of it tremendously ;) I headed down to the church with my daughter Lydia, delivered the tiara, took the picture, hugged and loved on Maria and headed off to take Lydia to her ballgame before my return to church for the wedding. There was a small well up of tears as the tip of bittersweet reality poked through but I was relieved it wasn't a current so swift or 'out of control'

Lydia and I got back in the car and headed to the school where her team and bus await. As we drove away from the church, where the wedding would take place and where Jonnae's body was buried, I kept hearing Jonnae's words, "I thought I was going to get married and have a family." My thoughts pulled in Maria is getting married and has the family Jonnae dreamed of. She has a 2 month old baby and a husband that exudes authentic love and commitment to her and their daughter. As a human being...a mother... of course an onset of emotion (energy that wanted to move and propel my spirit forward if I allowed and didn't fight it, was knocking on the door of my heart). Whether I would welcome the guest of sorrow to visit wasn't a question...the Universe took care of blowing the door wide open for me.

With my thoughts still on the wedding, the tiara, Jonnae's words, Lydia and I were at a stop sign awaiting traffic to pass, so I could pull out onto the highway. The nose of my car was out a bit more than it should have been, not dangerously so, just not making it easy for the car turning left on the road we were on to do so without going a wee bit further past our car to do so. The driver made an angry gesture at me as she turned in. That's all it took, the dam broke and the first wave of rushing tears flowed. Lydia said, "Mom. You're the only person I know who cries as a result of road rage."She has witnessed my resulting sadness from a driver's rage aimed at me before. I tried to explain. I began with how sad it is when I see my children treating each other in a way that's not loving. I explained how my thoughts were first on the wedding, tiara, her sister Jonnae and my mind not completely on the driving. I was out a little more than I should have been, but not so much so that it should have evoked the anger and toxic energy of the woman who'd been so nasty with her response to it. How are we so mindless that we don't take into consideration what another person might be going through to result in the human experience or exchange the way it's playing out? I told Lydia, I'm shedding tears I was trying to keep at bay from the memories, as well as tears for how God must feel when He looks down on this earth and sees His children behaving so badly towards one another. That woman doesn't  know me, or my intentions, to act out that way towards me. I've become mindful of that unknowing of what another being is going through. I don't let a few extra minutes at a stop sign, or in traffic begrunt me so much that I contaminate the space around me with anger. @Jill Bolte Taylor has said, "we are responsible for the energy we bring into a space" and even when it's between two vehicles, in an encounter with a stranger, I will not pour out toxic anger and negative energy over something so small as a few seconds or minutes. That being said, I pray for the person who does, for they must be really hurting or struggling to go off so quickly with such nasty energy. And then I give thanks, that I choose not to live my life that way, to expel or contaminate a space with less than loving energy.

At the end of the day, hours after I was home from the wedding, the tears still flowed and I let them. There's much I can not change about the past, or even instantaneously about the present. However, I do know energy is at the core of our being, and it's wanting to move forward. (Remember F.R.O.G - Fully Rely on God and frogs don't move backwards). Embrace the energy wanting to move and the emotion it's choosing to do so. One thing I know for sure - struggling to keep emotion contained does not let energy flow and blocking energy is no way to propel forward and LIVE!!!

Will the Help Ever Come?

 

A dear neighbor dropped a package off in my mailbox several weeks back. She had been introduced to a nonprofit group, “Parents Left Behind.” It made her think of me so she picked up a tshirt, wristband and postcard about the organization and delivered it to me.

I love surprise gifts of thoughtfulness. We as her family, I as her mother, Jonnae as the warrior who was impacting many through her cancer battle, got to experience surprise gifts of thoughtfulness, support and love abundantly during her final days on earth.

Although I truly felt the love being offered through the thoughtfulness and support this special woman gifted me, I tried several times to put that tshirt on and could not. It was like kryptonite to Super Man.

It’s not that I can’t put them on because of the pain they feed, I will not put them on because I don’t think them, believe them, feel them or speak them; quite the opposite actually. (This is my feeling. I’m not suggesting any parent who feels differently is wrong.) We’re differently wired people; we see things in different ways. I choose to see from a perspective that is empowering.  That’s where my experience in perspective training kicks in. I’m a “words of affirmation” being. (I learned this about myself through reading  ‘The Five Love Languages”- short read, simple concept and life changing enlightenment) I’m compelled to love through affirmation with my words. I love life, myself, my daughter and God in such a way that I affirm through my words that I embrace the gift of all experiences in life, including the parts that were painful in Jonnae’s and letting her go. Not every gift comes in an attractive package. I’ve certainly taken my time with the difficult embrace of some of those gifts. When it comes to the gift of Jonnae’s life, I choose to emphasize what was gained through it, not what was lost.  I choose to emphasize the blessings born of her journey. What was lost was a physical being.  What was gained and continues to live are memories, lessons, legacy, her spiritual presence (which will be with me forever) and Mercy and Grace! I do not believe I was left behind…

I go through periods where I feel like a mother left behind…not by a child, or by God, but by a community that was present and no longer is in the same way. I have struggled with this most viciously, wrestling with it to the point of being on my knees in tears and completely exhausted. This turmoil of emotions, wanting help in furthering the mission that began through Jonnae’s leukemia battle and feeling like the help will never come…like the help that was present is what has left me behind, became most evident when I witnessed a nation rallying to support a local mother who’d lost her legs and more recently as a world holds up a family who’s son with cancer inspired many before his ‘Heavenly Birth’.  The support my spirit craves appears it’s left me and I see it happening elsewhere. I’m grateful, truly, my empathetic heart cries tears of joy when I witness the love and support others are experiencing and then it seems as those joyful tears turn to sorrowful, tired ones. Earth School can be excruciatingly painful and beautifully humbling at the same time. Not just for a parent letting go of limbs or a child…for EVERYONE!

Sometimes I feel as if I’m out in this vast ocean of water and can see ‘heaven on earth’ on the coast at a far far away distance. Even though I have a life saver to cling to, I wonder if I’ll ever make it to solid ground, where I can stand and play or lie down to rest and not fear I’m going to become too tired and drowned. Sometimes it feels as though big boats are pulling up to others to tow them in or pull them up on board so they coast the rest of the way in with a team of people to take care of them, play with them and keep company with them and I’m being left behind…Not a parent left behind...a community/family member being left behind. That’s just where I am.

I get to work my perseverance muscles, my fortitude, my faith, and my focus multiple times a day. There have been innings where I lasted a long time, with several hits including grand slams, and innings where it’s 9 strikes and over. Lately, there have been more of the latter kind. I’m in a bit of a slump…and those happen in the ‘game of life’ I’ll recover and be back to my mojo game in due time.

I’ve been hosting a radio show that airs daily at www.newstalk 1570.com. Just today I admitted I dance through the storms of my life just fine. I grow weary during the droughts to the point I’m not sure I’m going to make it through.

I’m a player in this ‘game.’ I’m not the coach, manager, or owner. Those positions and the rest of the ones on the field get to be filled before the game can actually even get started. The drought has occurred in me trying to do too much on my own, as I’ve not got the team necessary to play, to grow this mission, nonprofit, and We GET To programming. The vision is so grand; the partnerships and participation to make it happen is absent.

As Jonnae with her leaders of Mercy and Grace continue to visit me and prevail, they paid me a visit early yesterday morning as I stayed up through the 2^nd hour of the day.  2a.m Thursday morning was when The Crucible began for the “Mike Company” of the 3^rd Recruit Battalion of Platoon 3086 at the Marine Bootcamp of Parris Island. My middle child and middle son, Austin began the 54 hour grueling final test of his experience as a recruit at 2am with his platoon and I wanted to be up praying for him (them). With a rush of awareness and perspective, the Holy Spirit began breathing new life into me. I wept tears of sorrow for taking my eyes off the Coach and forgetting the promises He’s made me. I wept tears of amazement and joy as I found myself back on the Rock and no longer on shifting sand. I inhaled long breaths of all that is love and exhaled everything else that is not. The dark clouds blew away instantly! It’s predicted to rain today…I’ll receive the ‘Living Water’ and proclaim the drought is coming to an end.

It’s quite possible another will happen at some point. That’s the law of nature. Prayerfully, I’ll remember what I offer others…the SON is always shining even when we can’t see Him above us or through the darkness the clouds create. Even when I feel left behind by a sizable community that was there to support me in every way possible, I still get to experience help in other ways. I get to be reminded, as I have been in the last 24 hours, I am never alone, I’ll never be left behind!

Jonnae would be 20 years old today, possibly fearing a return of leukemia or experiencing long term side effects of the chemo that rid her of it. Instead, she is ageless and perfect experiencing eternal life in Heaven. As is the case with every special day that reflects a significant memory she and I got to create together, I celebrate! No need, or desire, to mourn a life well lived and the impact it continues to have on so many, myself included. As she and God would have it, I'm not only being gifted a special day today to reflect upon her birth and celebrate her earthly life, I'm about to experience an entire week of great surprises and shared gifts. This Tuesday, Sept 4 is the launch of my new daily radio talk show on 1570 WNDA. (Wherever you are, you can tune in live from 10-11a.m. EST with a WiFi connection via phone, iPad, or computer. Here's the link http://www.newstalk1570.com/)

The way this opportunity unfolded, and everything about it's first week, is providence. I imagine the whole of the talk show experience will be directed in the same way. I'm eager to see what this chapter of the journey reveals, creates, and pays forward; offering me a chance to increase the volume of the voice I've been given and a new way of reconditioning perspective to increase health and happiness!

Not what I had planned in anticipation of a day long celebration today (story for another time) I did get to venture out for a few minutes. In the time I did, here's the 'surprise birthday gift I got to share with a special lady, courtesy of Heaven! ... Rare special occasions lead me to reflect on this sweet memory my daughter Jonnae created for me. It was one of our last ventures out together. She was shopping for clothes, motivated to look like something other than a cancer patient (having worn pajamas for comfort, even out in public, for months.) We were at the mall and she was giddy and happy. While there she wanted a pepperoni soft pretzel and coke. Being in my overly obsessive healthy state during that time, I would not indulge in a 'treat' with her, even though she begged. We were sitting at the table as she enjoyed her food and drink alone when she said, "If I could do this every day, I would!" I didn't know if she meant shop at the mall, eat soft pretzels, or what, so I said, "What's that babe?" She surprised me with the sweetest gift when she replied, "Spend the day with you." My young adult children all have their own lives to live these days. Like most their age, they really don't care about spending much time with me. So I decided today, I'd go by the mall and sit at our table to enjoy a soft pretzel and coke with my girl. I didn't with her that day, but I sometimes do with her now (truly, this feels like a visit with her more than a stop at her gravesite.) The lady serving me at the pretzel counter seemed disconnected, lonely or unhappy. As she was preparing my order, I was a bit conflicted...do I share this special story with her or not? Will she misinterpret and think me sad?...not really care? Will she receive the 'shift' with awareness and gratitude I hope to offer? What if this is the only shot at her having something to smile about today? So at the last moment, before I walked away, I said..."I hesitate to share this, for I'm not sure it will have the result that is my hope. I told her the story, and as happens more times than I can recall or count, this is what she said. "There's a reason you told me. My husband died of leukemia and just after my son turned 15 he was diagnosed with leukemia also. He's a 3 year survivor." I think I even squealed. Can you feel your husband and Jonnae doing a happy dance at this shared moment? She smiled a huge smile and asked if she could come around and give me a hug. I practically skipped to my special table and smiled all the way through my 'treat' courtesy of God and all that's wrapped in sweet love....(that balloon image at top of this blog might as well have been attached, :)

 

I imagine this is only the beginning of the divine gifts that will result and be shared this week. I'd love to have you tune in, see if my inclination is right, and share in the wealth of abundant hope, encouragement, inspiration and ofcourse FUN! Comment on my blog, on FB, through email. I'm always blessed to hear from you and know you're enjoying this journey with me! This is an experience of sharing! Thanks for being a part of it, for it would not be possible to share, if you weren't on it with me :D