It wasn't even noon yet, and the gifts I experienced today pretty sweet; quite appropriate for Valentine’s Day. The intention of this blog is to share one of those gifts with you, with hope it's as sweet for you also.

As often happens when I’m in my car driving, a new metaphor came to me this morning. I had been reflecting on emotions. How we get to experience all of them and none of them bad. How each of them show up in our lives; some expected, some surprise guests. Each of them bear a gift of awareness wrapped in a variety of different ways. Some are attractive and we want to play with them. Some aren’t. We get to choose which guests we share the most time with; which gifts we’ll use most. Yet it’s important we acknowledge all of them before choosing.

As an inspirational speaker and perspective trainer, I get to share my experience of life’s surprise party, the gifts I receive and how I go about unwrapping them often. Frequently, I find myself wondering what people think as I express my authentic gratitude and joy. It’s easy for me to be happy when I’m getting to share Jonnae’s life story and mine. It’s natural for me to radiate positive energy and hope when I’m getting to do what I love to do. When audiences aren’t seeing the other emotions I get to experience, how do I let them know I can relate to the not so fun feelings we have. How do I relay to them the manner in which I experience the guests of sorrow and frustration bearing gifts of heartache and struggle?

A new metaphor to aid me in translation came. When we experience a tangle in our hair, we use a comb to work it out and get rid of it. If we don’t, eventually that small tangle will grow into a massive mess, much harder to manage. Once we’ve worked the tangle out, we set the comb down. We don’t carry it around all day, just waiting for another tangle to form. This would hinder the use of our hand in creating or working on something else.

If we don’t work through the nasty feelings or emotions we feel as they arise, they manifest into something much bigger. These guests who aren’t so fun to sit with; the gifts they bring that we didn’t ask for or want, won’t overstay their welcome, if we just deal with them before they take up an unwelcome residence.

There are mornings, I wake up with tangles of emotion that’s are naturally a result of Jonnae’s Leukemia and “Heavenly Birth.” Hair for the most part is beautiful; tangles just come with it. Some beautiful styles are even created with tangled, teased or knotted hair.  ;) I believe the same is true of Jonnae’s, my and all of our life stories. They are beautiful. We get to choose the styles we create with them. Most of the time, we probably won’t want to incorporate tangles, but there may be times we choose to. If tangled isn’t what we want to experience, we get to pick up our emotional, spiritual, perspective combs and work them out before they become a mess. When I’m out enjoying my day, if an unwanted tangle presents itself, I pull out the tools I’m blessed to always have in my possession and work through it on the spot. This is what consistently allows me to create beautiful fun days.

I hope this metaphor blesses you with something that allows you to do the same, should beautiful and fun, and something less messy, be what you desire to create. :D

Christmas Presence

During the Christmas season of 2007 a very special teen’s bone marrow transplant took place. A few months later, her doctor called to report the transplant was unsuccessful. Today, I get to report the healing intended to take place with the bone marrow transplant didn’t happen, but another healing did. The bone marrow transplant didn’t prove to be successful, but what were was the eye, ear, brain and heart transplants that ensued because of it. I’m not talking about a donation of Jonnae’s organs. The chemo and radiation she’d undergone to beat “Leuk” made it impossible for to offer organs. I’m talking about transplants that happened within me. Because of my daughter’s 3 year battle with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, I have new eyes through which I see; new ears through which I hear; a new way of thinking with a ‘transplanted’ mind and a new heart through which I love. All combine to create an enhanced life experience beyond human understanding. I’m forever grateful for the gifts I continue to experience, courtesy of a life so beautifully lived by a daughter so beautifully healed.

Once her leukemia diagnosis came, Jonnae’s body never really healed, but her spirit sure did. Our spirits are way more valuable than our bodies. The body has an end, the spirit lives on. (Some may feel the need to argue this point. If this is you, please finish reading first!)  

Most only know of the valiant spirit Jonnae had during her battle with Leuk. Few know of the victim she was in the 6^th grade when leukemia first took up residence in her broken body. I haven’t given voice to the bullying that was happening to her in that transitional year from 5^th grade to middle school. Girls can be so caddy. We all know this! For years, I did not want to feed the guilt and shame I knew must be eating at the girls responsible for the nastiness that sent my daughter home from school crying every day. At the time, it didn’t matter if the world knew about it, the girls did. I believe Jonnae’s broken spirit is what led to the ‘broken body’ where Leuk chose to reside. (This could be a topic of an entirely different blog but because this is MY belief, I refused to break down the spirit of the girls and contribute to their suffering. There will be a time and place to share those stories and shine a different light on bullying later.)

The reason I am writing this particular blog is to celebrate the gifts I’ve received in the continuing classroom of life this year (6 years after that Christmas of life changing transplants). I do not want a single Christmas season to pass, where I don’t sit still long enough to reflect on the life I get to live, and lessons learned. Because of the stillness and sometimes surprising sweetness of that Christmas hospital stay where Jonnae and I were cut off from the world, both of our spirits were healed. As a matter of fact, I try to explain my craving (of course not wanting it delivered or wrapped in the same way) for a Christmas season of separateness from a world that mostly does not see, hear, think or love from the same place I do, particularly this time of year.

This is not an egotistical perspective. I’m not out to prove myself right or convert others to my beliefs. (Because it’s so common when one shares from the heart publicly, and I just experienced this very thing earlier in the week with a Facebook post, please do not interpret this blog as an invitation where you are welcome to come in and attempt to do that with me.) Humility is a gift I’m most grateful to get to experience. I still have much to learn and improve on and not only am I fully aware of that, I’m eager to get on with it. My transplanted eyes, ears, mind and heart did not come from a human being or teacher, they came from the Ultimate Creator and I choose to let the refinement of me continue the same way. No substitute teacher need try to edge God out and teach me their beliefs their way. As I mentioned in the piece I wrote earlier this week, whether the test here or the grade ‘there’, I’m not afraid of failure or making the Teacher’s grade. The One to whom I’m most accountable, loves and understands me and will judge me accordingly. My Teacher is loving, compassionate, forgiving and patient and knows my heart the way no human being can. I’m at peace with that! It may be challenged, but it wins and remains.

So draining, detrimental and depressing to witness the desperate need of so many to prove they are right and have a need to defend themselves in their stance. Pre-leukemia I was of that camp. Judging, righteous and fueled with the belief I was right and had to convert people to the ‘enlightened’ side. If you choose to be there, I’m not judging you for it. It’s your life! We each GET to choose where we camp out to experience it. We each get to move freely when we want to camp somewhere different. My choice is to share life, love and compassion with ALL, regardless who they are with and where they camp.  I choose not to fight about how we are different, but rather to focus on how we are the same. We are here at the same time, sharing the same life and sharing the same struggles and suffering. Even if they come from the different places, they are the same in how we feel them. What I choose as my role while here (actually I believe I’ve been called to it) is to increase healing and happiness in the same surprising way I’ve experienced it. Instead of remaining on the side of struggle and suffering caused from focus on whose with who, I chose to focus on Who I’m with. I left who I was following and learning from, and choose the One calling me to follow and listen.

God has held me over in the classrooms of Perspective, Peace, Love, Compassion and Forgiveness. I’m glad I no longer am in the classroom of Fighting to be Right, Fighting to Convert and Fighting to Hold Others Accountable (especially when its enough to deal with my own accountability and remember Who I’m accountable to.) In listening, I’m being told not to Fight to be Right (if you are, go for it, just don’t use your energy to pick a fight with me. I no longer participate in expending my energy that way.) I used to hear the bell ring and you better believe I went to swinging. I’m no longer interested in stepping in the ring to fuel the fight and struggle.

I’m being called to humility. We don’t know what we don’t know. (and even what we think we KNOW, we most certainly can be wrong) I’m okay with asking questions and either having multiple answers or no answer.  Every day, I seek to learn where I have more to learn. And as a review of 2013 will reveal, even when I’m not seeking it, Life will give me a lesson. The teaching has not come from the world, but from the One who created the world and who sat with me when I was cut off from the world during Christmas of 2007. In the midst of unimaginable struggle and suffering, I was given the gift of a miraculous peace.

God has never left me! When I struggle now, my peace immediately returns when my Accountability Partner, Judge, Teacher, and One who loves me above ALL whispers in the stillness to me… “You are enough. You are appreciated. You are supported, and  you are valued as a ‘player on My team!’ I’ll continue to learn and will continue to contribute to healing and happiness as lessons are presented to me to use in my active examples of using them. Don’t think for one second I’m not through out the day, every day, checking in to reconfirm over and over all of the above!  That I love; that I’m compassionate; that I’m forgiving; that I’m not judging; that I’m increasing healing and happiness and that I’m open to growth and being more of each, every day in every way.

So, with the heart and mind of an eager child, on this eve of my 46^th birthday and Christmas, I’ll go to bed with visions dancing in my head and a hard time going to sleep, wondering if a miracle awaits me on Christmas. My dreams are wildly imaginative,  if one doesn’t come true tomorrow, the resounding reminder to BELIEVE has definitely taken root more these last few months than ever….and so I do!!!!

Almanac of My Soul

A couple of days ago, one might have expected an emotional storm would be passing through. When I awoke on Sept 2, realizing it would have been Jonnae’s 21^st birthday, my prediction reported only 20% chance precipitation might grace my face and if it did, a little tear fall wouldn’t be enough to spoil the gift of the day or anything contained within it.

It just struck me this morning how my life is it’s own Almanac. There are annual dates and events that are easily foreseen and come with predictions. I even have a book for reference if I want to consult it for tips. The annual dates are forever marked and result in an eclipse of sorts. (When these type metaphors arise, I embrace and use them, the best I can, to communicate a perspective being offered me.)

An eclipse is defined as a:the total or partial obscuring of one celestial body by another or b: the passing into the shadow of a celestial body.  c: falling into obscurity or decline. An eclipse is a beautiful way to define what’s happening with me on these dates. As the present moves through the shadow of the past there’s a temporary obscurity that happens with my spirit.

Today is another one of those recorded annual dates that comes with a prediction. Although tear fall isn’t expected, cloudiness is.

On Sept 4, 2007, just 2 days after Jonnae’s 15^th birthday, we went in for her first routine follow up post chemo. She was one month out from having received her last chemo. I picked her up from school (she was only one week in to her freshman year) and we headed to the doctor’s office. The medical staff all came in to congratulate her. Blood was drawn. And off we went back to school, discussing in the car the huge survivor party that was going to be taking place that weekend. She had been planning it for 2 years and the time for it had come now that her 2 ½ year protocol of chemo and radiation was behind us.

The day continued with normalcy. That evening I had a scheduled bike ride as part of my training for a Leukemia Lymphoma Triathlon that was now only a couple of weeks a way. Something I had signed up to do, to commemorate Jonnae crossing her cancer finish line in victory. Once the bike ride was over, I checked my phone and had 10 missed calls. Jonnae and the doctor had tried several times to call me, neither leaving a message. I called Jonnae first and she said she was starting to freak out. The doctor had called the house also and simply told her to have me call him.

The follow up ended up not being routine at all. The doctor let me know how sorry he was before he let me know Jonnae’s blood already had leukemia cells again. He asked me about her siblings for bone marrow possibilities and let me know they’d be doing a bone marrow aspiration in the morning to confirm ‘leuk’ was back.

For all the good memories there are to associate with Jonnae’s birthday on Sept 2, and even with the gratitude I have for what all her battle with “leuk’ taught me and the gift it continues to be for all I get to share it with, the darkness of that day is forever etched on Sept 4. Doesn’t mean I won’t experience the beauty of the Son shining today. Doesn’t’ mean I won’t create new memories and stay focused on the present. Just mean’s the Almanac of my Soul reports there will be intermittent cloudiness for the next several weeks, as those memories and dates are pretty consistent this time of year.

All that being said, there’s nothing stopping me, or YOU, from looking for and counting  the blessings that are new, that await us in the gift of TODAY. So along with my ‘spirit report’ that’s what I’m advising. Focus on what you GET to experience today. Regardless of how it’s wrapped; regardless of it being what you asked for or not; simply see it for the gift it is and say ‘thank you’ Life’s surprise party is much more enjoyable that way!

Energy in Motion

Several weeks ago my spirit drank in every word +Panache Desai poured out in an interview led by +Oprah Winffrey  on Super Soul Sunday. I'm paraphrasing, but what I recall him saying is, "At the core we are ALL energy. EVERY emotion we experience is simply our energy wanting to move."

So as tears streamed down my face at a wedding yesterday, I didn't reach to wipe a single one away. I was present to each drop as it welled out of my eye, flowed down my cheek, fell off my chin and onto my chest where 'the Holy Spirit lovingly captured them to water the garden of my soul.' ( - another paraphrase from the book "The Shack" words my soul instantly embraced to forever change the way I experience tears- differently and beautifully!)

Yesterday's wedding was that of my daughter Jonnae's best friend. On one of the final days Jonnae and I got to share on this earth in physical body, both of us lying in my bed, Jonnae spoke up softly to break the silence between us, "I thought I was going to get married and have a family." The break in my heart tore open even more as I fought back tears (this is before I had read "The Shack") I was struggling to keep solid footing on The ROCK of which I was determined to stand, when these words came from Heaven to deliver us both PEACE. Miraculously I said, "The Bridegroom you are getting ready to meet is better than any man you would have met on earth." I'll never forget the power of that moment! I drew on it yesterday as I watched Maria, wearing Jonnae's tiara, come down the aisle; a river of tears flowing freely down my face.

Flashback: Nearly 5 years ago, my dear friend, Jami mailed a package to Jonnae with accessories for her to wear to her "Celebration of Life" (This celebration was a gift from Heaven as well. The idea was whispered within me one day as Hosparus left, "There is nothing traditional about you and Jonnae. Neither of you like the sorrow filled funerals with focus on the end of an earthly life. Choose instead, a want to celebrate the gift of her life on earth and the result of it's ending, meaning a new beginning for her in Heaven." When the thought was first presented, my human, people-pleasing mind responded with the suggestion that family and friends would not embrace or agree with the idea. My faith filled convicting spirit immediately decided it didn't care. This "Celebration of Life" would replace a traditional viewing after 'death'. I announced the idea and event details on a community web page (this was before FaceBook if you can imagine) A day or so before the "Celebration of Life" a box arrived. It contained a beautiful tiara with a note - "for you to remember you're a princess of the Risen King." Jonnae wore it to her special 'send off' event where hundreds flocked to show her love and celebrate "Heaven's newest star" at a red carpet premier of her video tribute. The event theme created for her as a result of a dream she'd had of her being 'a star.' I'll never forget feeling the 'heartbeat of Heaven' as we wheeled her into @The Grand theater. The simultaneous clapping of those hundreds who'd gathered created a vibration of Love that was palpable in our hearts.

A month or so ago, when I first received the wedding invitation from Maria, I instantly felt a resistance to going. I'd pretty much decided I was not going to face whatever emotion await me at the wedding of one of Jonnae's best friends. Days before the wedding, out of the blue I heard the inner voice suggest I offer Jonnae's tiara to Maria as her 'something borrowed' for her wedding day. (out of the blue...out of left field...since the time one popped up to suggest a "Celebration of Life" for Jonnae, I've come to recognize those whispers from the core of my being as 'plays being called by my 'Head Coach') My human mind attempted a rebuttal, "Offering Jonnae's tiara may have a counter effect of sadness and not result in the sweetness the offer intends. Also, Maria may feel obligated out of guilt to say yes to me, when it's really not something she wants. I'm not going to put her in that position." I let the thought go. Then as God would have it, the idea found it's way into a conversation I was having with a mutual friend. (Jonnae and Maria had been babysitters for her children.) She thought it was a lovely idea and offered to bring it up to Maria, dismantling the 'obligation to me as Jonnae's mom' excuse I had been hiding behind. (I say hiding because ends up the truth of the matter was I knew if I offered the tiara and Maria said yes, it would commit me to attending the wedding.)

The knew the idea was proposed to Maria the night before the wedding, but I hadn't heard back from her and was not pushing for an answer. As a matter of fact, yesterday morning with the wedding only a couple of hours out, I was not ready when I got a call from her at the church, "Could you bring Jonnae's tiara by and let the photographer take a picture of you putting it on my head?" WOW! It was going to happen AND I was not ready. I didn't doubt my spirit was ready, even though I'd resisted. It's shown me time and time again over the last 8 years it has no fear...when left to it's lead, my spirit leaps in faith every time. Even if my spirit was ready, I wasn't ready physically - as in showered, dressed, made up...(this is the beauty of having lost 25 lbs in 2 months and still having no hair as a result of participating in @St Baldricks 3 weeks ago. I can grab anything I want to wear and it fits and there's no hair to fix - cuts prep time and stress because of it tremendously ;) I headed down to the church with my daughter Lydia, delivered the tiara, took the picture, hugged and loved on Maria and headed off to take Lydia to her ballgame before my return to church for the wedding. There was a small well up of tears as the tip of bittersweet reality poked through but I was relieved it wasn't a current so swift or 'out of control'

Lydia and I got back in the car and headed to the school where her team and bus await. As we drove away from the church, where the wedding would take place and where Jonnae's body was buried, I kept hearing Jonnae's words, "I thought I was going to get married and have a family." My thoughts pulled in Maria is getting married and has the family Jonnae dreamed of. She has a 2 month old baby and a husband that exudes authentic love and commitment to her and their daughter. As a human being...a mother... of course an onset of emotion (energy that wanted to move and propel my spirit forward if I allowed and didn't fight it, was knocking on the door of my heart). Whether I would welcome the guest of sorrow to visit wasn't a question...the Universe took care of blowing the door wide open for me.

With my thoughts still on the wedding, the tiara, Jonnae's words, Lydia and I were at a stop sign awaiting traffic to pass, so I could pull out onto the highway. The nose of my car was out a bit more than it should have been, not dangerously so, just not making it easy for the car turning left on the road we were on to do so without going a wee bit further past our car to do so. The driver made an angry gesture at me as she turned in. That's all it took, the dam broke and the first wave of rushing tears flowed. Lydia said, "Mom. You're the only person I know who cries as a result of road rage."She has witnessed my resulting sadness from a driver's rage aimed at me before. I tried to explain. I began with how sad it is when I see my children treating each other in a way that's not loving. I explained how my thoughts were first on the wedding, tiara, her sister Jonnae and my mind not completely on the driving. I was out a little more than I should have been, but not so much so that it should have evoked the anger and toxic energy of the woman who'd been so nasty with her response to it. How are we so mindless that we don't take into consideration what another person might be going through to result in the human experience or exchange the way it's playing out? I told Lydia, I'm shedding tears I was trying to keep at bay from the memories, as well as tears for how God must feel when He looks down on this earth and sees His children behaving so badly towards one another. That woman doesn't  know me, or my intentions, to act out that way towards me. I've become mindful of that unknowing of what another being is going through. I don't let a few extra minutes at a stop sign, or in traffic begrunt me so much that I contaminate the space around me with anger. Jill Bolte Taylor has said, "we are responsible for the energy we bring into a space" and even when it's between two vehicles, in an encounter with a stranger, I will not pour out toxic anger and negative energy over something so small as a few seconds or minutes. That being said, I pray for the person who does, for they must be really hurting or struggling to go off so quickly with such nasty energy. And then I give thanks, that I choose not to live my life that way, to expel or contaminate a space with less than loving energy.

At the end of the day, hours after I was home from the wedding, the tears still flowed and I let them. There's much I can not change about the past, or even instantaneously about the present. However, I do know energy is at the core of our being, and it's wanting to move forward. (Remember F.R.O.G - Fully Rely on God and frogs don't move backwards). Embrace the energy wanting to move and the emotion it's choosing to do so. One thing I know for sure - struggling to keep emotion contained does not let energy flow and blocking energy is no way to propel forward and LIVE!!!

Energy in Motion

Several weeks ago my spirit drank in every word @Panache Desai poured out in an interview led by @Oprah Winfrey on @Super Soul Sunday. I'm paraphrasing, but what I recall him saying is, "At the core we are ALL energy. EVERY emotion we experience is simply our energy wanting to move."

So as tears streamed down my face at a wedding yesterday, I didn't reach to wipe a single one away. I was present to each drop as it welled out of my eye, flowed down my cheek, fell off my chin and onto my chest where 'the Holy Spirit lovingly captured them to water the garden of my soul.' ( - another paraphrase from the book @The Shack; words my soul instantly embraced to forever change the way I experience tears- differently and beautifully!)

Yesterday's wedding was that of my daughter Jonnae's best friend. On one of the final days Jonnae and I got to share on this earth in physical body, both of us lying in my bed, Jonnae spoke up softly to break the silence between us, "I thought I was going to get married and have a family." The break in my heart tore open even more as I fought back tears (this is before I had read "The Shack") I was struggling to keep solid footing on The ROCK of which I was determined to stand, when these words came from Heaven to deliver us both PEACE. Miraculously I said, "The Bridegroom you are getting ready to meet is better than any man you would have met on earth." I'll never forget the power of that moment! I drew on it yesterday as I watched Maria, wearing Jonnae's tiara, come down the aisle; a river of tears flowing freely down my face.

Flashback: Nearly 5 years ago, a dear friend, @Jami Ronda, mailed a package to Jonnae with accessories for her to wear to her "Celebration of Life" (This celebration was a gift from Heaven as well. The idea was whispered within me one day as Hosparus left, "There is nothing traditional about you and Jonnae. Neither of you like the sorrow filled funerals with focus on the end of an earthly life. Choose instead, a want to celebrate the gift of her life on earth and the result of it's ending, meaning a new beginning for her in Heaven." When the thought was first presented, my human, people-pleasing mind responded with the suggestion that family and friends would not embrace or agree with the idea. My faith filled convicting spirit immediately decided it didn't care. This "Celebration of Life" would replace a traditional viewing after 'death'. I announced the idea and event details on a community web page (this was before FaceBook if you can imagine) A day or so before the "Celebration of Life" a box arrived. It contained a beautiful tiara with a note - "for you to remember you're a princess of the Risen King." Jonnae wore it to her special 'send off' event where hundreds flocked to show her love and celebrate "Heaven's newest star" at a red carpet premier of her video tribute. The event theme created for her as a result of a dream she'd had of her being 'a star.' I'll never forget feeling the 'heartbeat of Heaven' as we wheeled her into @The Grand theater. The simultaneous clapping of those hundreds who'd gathered created a vibration of Love that was palpable in our hearts.

A month or so ago, when I first received the wedding invitation from Maria, I instantly felt a resistance to going. I'd pretty much decided I was not going to face whatever emotion await me at the wedding of one of Jonnae's best friends. Days before the wedding, out of the blue I heard the inner voice suggest I offer Jonnae's tiara to Maria as her 'something borrowed' for her wedding day. (out of the blue...out of left field...since the time one popped up to suggest a "Celebration of Life" for Jonnae, I've come to recognize those whispers from the core of my being as 'plays being called by my 'Head Coach') My human mind attempted a rebuttal, "Offering Jonnae's tiara may have a counter effect of sadness and not result in the sweetness the offer intends. Also, Maria may feel obligated out of guilt to say yes to me, when it's really not something she wants. I'm not going to put her in that position." I let the thought go. Then as God would have it, the idea found it's way into a conversation I was having with a mutual friend. (Jonnae and Maria had been babysitters for her children.) She thought it was a lovely idea and offered to bring it up to Maria, dismantling the 'obligation to me as Jonnae's mom' excuse I had been hiding behind. (I say hiding because ends up the truth of the matter was I knew if I offered the tiara and Maria said yes, it would commit me to attending the wedding.)

The knew the idea was proposed to Maria the night before the wedding, but I hadn't heard back from her and was not pushing for an answer. As a matter of fact, yesterday morning with the wedding only a couple of hours out, I was not ready when I got a call from her at the church, "Could you bring Jonnae's tiara by and let the photographer take a picture of you putting it on my head?" WOW! It was going to happen AND I was not ready. I didn't doubt my spirit was ready, even though I'd resisted. It's shown me time and time again over the last 8 years it has no fear...when left to it's lead, my spirit leaps in faith every time. Even if my spirit was ready, I wasn't ready physically - as in showered, dressed, made up...(this is the beauty of having lost 25 lbs in 2 months and still having no hair as a result of participating in @St Baldricks 3 weeks ago. I can grab anything I want to wear and it fits and there's no hair to fix - cuts prep time and stress because of it tremendously ;) I headed down to the church with my daughter Lydia, delivered the tiara, took the picture, hugged and loved on Maria and headed off to take Lydia to her ballgame before my return to church for the wedding. There was a small well up of tears as the tip of bittersweet reality poked through but I was relieved it wasn't a current so swift or 'out of control'

Lydia and I got back in the car and headed to the school where her team and bus await. As we drove away from the church, where the wedding would take place and where Jonnae's body was buried, I kept hearing Jonnae's words, "I thought I was going to get married and have a family." My thoughts pulled in Maria is getting married and has the family Jonnae dreamed of. She has a 2 month old baby and a husband that exudes authentic love and commitment to her and their daughter. As a human being...a mother... of course an onset of emotion (energy that wanted to move and propel my spirit forward if I allowed and didn't fight it, was knocking on the door of my heart). Whether I would welcome the guest of sorrow to visit wasn't a question...the Universe took care of blowing the door wide open for me.

With my thoughts still on the wedding, the tiara, Jonnae's words, Lydia and I were at a stop sign awaiting traffic to pass, so I could pull out onto the highway. The nose of my car was out a bit more than it should have been, not dangerously so, just not making it easy for the car turning left on the road we were on to do so without going a wee bit further past our car to do so. The driver made an angry gesture at me as she turned in. That's all it took, the dam broke and the first wave of rushing tears flowed. Lydia said, "Mom. You're the only person I know who cries as a result of road rage."She has witnessed my resulting sadness from a driver's rage aimed at me before. I tried to explain. I began with how sad it is when I see my children treating each other in a way that's not loving. I explained how my thoughts were first on the wedding, tiara, her sister Jonnae and my mind not completely on the driving. I was out a little more than I should have been, but not so much so that it should have evoked the anger and toxic energy of the woman who'd been so nasty with her response to it. How are we so mindless that we don't take into consideration what another person might be going through to result in the human experience or exchange the way it's playing out? I told Lydia, I'm shedding tears I was trying to keep at bay from the memories, as well as tears for how God must feel when He looks down on this earth and sees His children behaving so badly towards one another. That woman doesn't  know me, or my intentions, to act out that way towards me. I've become mindful of that unknowing of what another being is going through. I don't let a few extra minutes at a stop sign, or in traffic begrunt me so much that I contaminate the space around me with anger. @Jill Bolte Taylor has said, "we are responsible for the energy we bring into a space" and even when it's between two vehicles, in an encounter with a stranger, I will not pour out toxic anger and negative energy over something so small as a few seconds or minutes. That being said, I pray for the person who does, for they must be really hurting or struggling to go off so quickly with such nasty energy. And then I give thanks, that I choose not to live my life that way, to expel or contaminate a space with less than loving energy.

At the end of the day, hours after I was home from the wedding, the tears still flowed and I let them. There's much I can not change about the past, or even instantaneously about the present. However, I do know energy is at the core of our being, and it's wanting to move forward. (Remember F.R.O.G - Fully Rely on God and frogs don't move backwards). Embrace the energy wanting to move and the emotion it's choosing to do so. One thing I know for sure - struggling to keep emotion contained does not let energy flow and blocking energy is no way to propel forward and LIVE!!!

Will the Help Ever Come?

 

A dear neighbor dropped a package off in my mailbox several weeks back. She had been introduced to a nonprofit group, “Parents Left Behind.” It made her think of me so she picked up a tshirt, wristband and postcard about the organization and delivered it to me.

I love surprise gifts of thoughtfulness. We as her family, I as her mother, Jonnae as the warrior who was impacting many through her cancer battle, got to experience surprise gifts of thoughtfulness, support and love abundantly during her final days on earth.

Although I truly felt the love being offered through the thoughtfulness and support this special woman gifted me, I tried several times to put that tshirt on and could not. It was like kryptonite to Super Man.

It’s not that I can’t put them on because of the pain they feed, I will not put them on because I don’t think them, believe them, feel them or speak them; quite the opposite actually. (This is my feeling. I’m not suggesting any parent who feels differently is wrong.) We’re differently wired people; we see things in different ways. I choose to see from a perspective that is empowering.  That’s where my experience in perspective training kicks in. I’m a “words of affirmation” being. (I learned this about myself through reading  ‘The Five Love Languages”- short read, simple concept and life changing enlightenment) I’m compelled to love through affirmation with my words. I love life, myself, my daughter and God in such a way that I affirm through my words that I embrace the gift of all experiences in life, including the parts that were painful in Jonnae’s and letting her go. Not every gift comes in an attractive package. I’ve certainly taken my time with the difficult embrace of some of those gifts. When it comes to the gift of Jonnae’s life, I choose to emphasize what was gained through it, not what was lost.  I choose to emphasize the blessings born of her journey. What was lost was a physical being.  What was gained and continues to live are memories, lessons, legacy, her spiritual presence (which will be with me forever) and Mercy and Grace! I do not believe I was left behind…

I go through periods where I feel like a mother left behind…not by a child, or by God, but by a community that was present and no longer is in the same way. I have struggled with this most viciously, wrestling with it to the point of being on my knees in tears and completely exhausted. This turmoil of emotions, wanting help in furthering the mission that began through Jonnae’s leukemia battle and feeling like the help will never come…like the help that was present is what has left me behind, became most evident when I witnessed a nation rallying to support a local mother who’d lost her legs and more recently as a world holds up a family who’s son with cancer inspired many before his ‘Heavenly Birth’.  The support my spirit craves appears it’s left me and I see it happening elsewhere. I’m grateful, truly, my empathetic heart cries tears of joy when I witness the love and support others are experiencing and then it seems as those joyful tears turn to sorrowful, tired ones. Earth School can be excruciatingly painful and beautifully humbling at the same time. Not just for a parent letting go of limbs or a child…for EVERYONE!

Sometimes I feel as if I’m out in this vast ocean of water and can see ‘heaven on earth’ on the coast at a far far away distance. Even though I have a life saver to cling to, I wonder if I’ll ever make it to solid ground, where I can stand and play or lie down to rest and not fear I’m going to become too tired and drowned. Sometimes it feels as though big boats are pulling up to others to tow them in or pull them up on board so they coast the rest of the way in with a team of people to take care of them, play with them and keep company with them and I’m being left behind…Not a parent left behind...a community/family member being left behind. That’s just where I am.

I get to work my perseverance muscles, my fortitude, my faith, and my focus multiple times a day. There have been innings where I lasted a long time, with several hits including grand slams, and innings where it’s 9 strikes and over. Lately, there have been more of the latter kind. I’m in a bit of a slump…and those happen in the ‘game of life’ I’ll recover and be back to my mojo game in due time.

I’ve been hosting a radio show that airs daily at www.newstalk 1570.com. Just today I admitted I dance through the storms of my life just fine. I grow weary during the droughts to the point I’m not sure I’m going to make it through.

I’m a player in this ‘game.’ I’m not the coach, manager, or owner. Those positions and the rest of the ones on the field get to be filled before the game can actually even get started. The drought has occurred in me trying to do too much on my own, as I’ve not got the team necessary to play, to grow this mission, nonprofit, and We GET To programming. The vision is so grand; the partnerships and participation to make it happen is absent.

As Jonnae with her leaders of Mercy and Grace continue to visit me and prevail, they paid me a visit early yesterday morning as I stayed up through the 2^nd hour of the day.  2a.m Thursday morning was when The Crucible began for the “Mike Company” of the 3^rd Recruit Battalion of Platoon 3086 at the Marine Bootcamp of Parris Island. My middle child and middle son, Austin began the 54 hour grueling final test of his experience as a recruit at 2am with his platoon and I wanted to be up praying for him (them). With a rush of awareness and perspective, the Holy Spirit began breathing new life into me. I wept tears of sorrow for taking my eyes off the Coach and forgetting the promises He’s made me. I wept tears of amazement and joy as I found myself back on the Rock and no longer on shifting sand. I inhaled long breaths of all that is love and exhaled everything else that is not. The dark clouds blew away instantly! It’s predicted to rain today…I’ll receive the ‘Living Water’ and proclaim the drought is coming to an end.

It’s quite possible another will happen at some point. That’s the law of nature. Prayerfully, I’ll remember what I offer others…the SON is always shining even when we can’t see Him above us or through the darkness the clouds create. Even when I feel left behind by a sizable community that was there to support me in every way possible, I still get to experience help in other ways. I get to be reminded, as I have been in the last 24 hours, I am never alone, I’ll never be left behind!

Jonnae would be 20 years old today, possibly fearing a return of leukemia or experiencing long term side effects of the chemo that rid her of it. Instead, she is ageless and perfect experiencing eternal life in Heaven. As is the case with every special day that reflects a significant memory she and I got to create together, I celebrate! No need, or desire, to mourn a life well lived and the impact it continues to have on so many, myself included. As she and God would have it, I'm not only being gifted a special day today to reflect upon her birth and celebrate her earthly life, I'm about to experience an entire week of great surprises and shared gifts. This Tuesday, Sept 4 is the launch of my new daily radio talk show on 1570 WNDA. (Wherever you are, you can tune in live from 10-11a.m. EST with a WiFi connection via phone, iPad, or computer. Here's the link http://www.newstalk1570.com/)

The way this opportunity unfolded, and everything about it's first week, is providence. I imagine the whole of the talk show experience will be directed in the same way. I'm eager to see what this chapter of the journey reveals, creates, and pays forward; offering me a chance to increase the volume of the voice I've been given and a new way of reconditioning perspective to increase health and happiness!

Not what I had planned in anticipation of a day long celebration today (story for another time) I did get to venture out for a few minutes. In the time I did, here's the 'surprise birthday gift I got to share with a special lady, courtesy of Heaven! ... Rare special occasions lead me to reflect on this sweet memory my daughter Jonnae created for me. It was one of our last ventures out together. She was shopping for clothes, motivated to look like something other than a cancer patient (having worn pajamas for comfort, even out in public, for months.) We were at the mall and she was giddy and happy. While there she wanted a pepperoni soft pretzel and coke. Being in my overly obsessive healthy state during that time, I would not indulge in a 'treat' with her, even though she begged. We were sitting at the table as she enjoyed her food and drink alone when she said, "If I could do this every day, I would!" I didn't know if she meant shop at the mall, eat soft pretzels, or what, so I said, "What's that babe?" She surprised me with the sweetest gift when she replied, "Spend the day with you." My young adult children all have their own lives to live these days. Like most their age, they really don't care about spending much time with me. So I decided today, I'd go by the mall and sit at our table to enjoy a soft pretzel and coke with my girl. I didn't with her that day, but I sometimes do with her now (truly, this feels like a visit with her more than a stop at her gravesite.) The lady serving me at the pretzel counter seemed disconnected, lonely or unhappy. As she was preparing my order, I was a bit conflicted...do I share this special story with her or not? Will she misinterpret and think me sad?...not really care? Will she receive the 'shift' with awareness and gratitude I hope to offer? What if this is the only shot at her having something to smile about today? So at the last moment, before I walked away, I said..."I hesitate to share this, for I'm not sure it will have the result that is my hope. I told her the story, and as happens more times than I can recall or count, this is what she said. "There's a reason you told me. My husband died of leukemia and just after my son turned 15 he was diagnosed with leukemia also. He's a 3 year survivor." I think I even squealed. Can you feel your husband and Jonnae doing a happy dance at this shared moment? She smiled a huge smile and asked if she could come around and give me a hug. I practically skipped to my special table and smiled all the way through my 'treat' courtesy of God and all that's wrapped in sweet love....(that balloon image at top of this blog might as well have been attached, :)

 

I imagine this is only the beginning of the divine gifts that will result and be shared this week. I'd love to have you tune in, see if my inclination is right, and share in the wealth of abundant hope, encouragement, inspiration and ofcourse FUN! Comment on my blog, on FB, through email. I'm always blessed to hear from you and know you're enjoying this journey with me! This is an experience of sharing! Thanks for being a part of it, for it would not be possible to share, if you weren't on it with me :D

Power of Words

A sweet young teen I've been blessed to know experienced her "Heavenly Birth" yesterday. Emma reminded me much of my own teenage daughter Jonnae, who experienced her "Heavenly Birth" in June of '08. These two amazing warriors were diagnosed with cancer in their early teen years. 

Many, when speaking of them say, 'They lost their battle with cancer.' I, however, don't see it that way at all. I witnessed both of them up until the end, cross the finish line as champions. They were victors, living life to the fullest, using humor and positive perspective every step of the way. (that's her in the picture, celebrating Wacky Wednesday with me and her visitors, knowing she was going home from the hospital to experience her 'Heavenly Birth' from home) Oh no! They did not lose! They are now experiencing their rewards of eternal life for having been faithful servants and illuminating the way for us. With them, God is well pleased!

Words are a weapon that destroy or a tool that build. There is so much power in a word. I know this on a level many may never come to fully understand, which is why I will never stop trying to shed a light on the 'darkness of death.' If one has just let go of a loved family member, how can it expedite their healing for them to see and hear over and over and over again, "I'm so SORRY for your LOSS" (?) I empathize with the pain. I'm not saying one should not allow themselves to feel it. I'm just saying we are so not aware of the overall truth in that experience and the words that better serve it. I'm a minority in my awareness of a more effective way to love on someone and expedite their healing...not adding more darkness with the words I speak. (although I completely understand the intention is good) There is a light, love and healing we offer when we see from a different angle.  When we know a loved one was faithful, loving and courageous why is 'loss' what comes to mind? or the word we choose to put all the emphasis on? Yes! It's the earthly ending. It's not death! A soul doesn't die unless it's joined forces with the devil. We use the word loss because we are thinking of the ones left behind, right? but we GAINED! and so did they! We gained inspiration in their example of love, light, courage and faith and they have gained eternal life in Heaven. Sorrow and loss aren't the words I choose...gratitude for the gifts are - the gift their earthly life was to all who are blessed by it and the gift of their salvation that they are now experiencing. Make sense? I hope so. For I so LOVE life, which includes "Heavenly Birth" and I'm grateful and celebrating it ALL for the gift from God that it is. The best is yet to come. We have nowhere close to experienced it on this earth. The ones who've departed are experiencing it. And for that my tears are brief and quickly turn into dancing!

May the same hold true for Emma's family and friends. She, Jonnae and Emma's father, Joey are doing some pretty special happy dances in Heaven. I'll hold that in my mind, heart and spirit knowing once our purposes have been served here, we'll be doing the same. (They just did theirs in record time, ahead of OUR schedule. Not ahead of the ONE who's mastered it ;D
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

*additional thought...the following words are lyrics from a secular song that has no intention of keeping us mindful of the gift of life and the gift of a "heavenly birth" I often translate the world's popular music (unfortunately my teens music of choice) to fit my perspective. When I can translate it as such, I make them about my relationship with God and others who bless me. The instant joy that I experience when I take a song with one intention and make it about something greater never loses its 'power factor' with me. Imagine if these words communicated the gratitude you have for the affect a person's life has had on yours. (I only love the beat and chorus of this song...not the rest of the song and the intention it was originally written.)

The sun goes down
the stars come out
and all that counts
is here and now.
The universe will never be the same.
I'm glad you came. I'm glad you came.

I smile thinking of how grateful I am Jesus, Jonnae and Emma (and whomever you give thanks for) came and changed the universe by their existence. 

Mess or Masterpiece? You GET to Choose!

I woke up and dressed in wacky attire for the creation of today's Wacky Wednesday. With doctor appointments for my 2 youngest before a radio interview at 10, it was an early start to a full morning.
I always make an attempt to talk my kiddos into donning a wacky accessory and joining me in the wackiness if we're going to be together, out and about. One was not thrilled, but willing to participate, the other not so much.

We were on our way to see the very pediatrician who diagnosed Jonnae 7 years ago in April '05. She recently declined the idea of Wacky Wednesdays for her patients. The hospital who treated Jonnae through her 3 year battle has yet to embrace Wacky Wednesday (I've been trying for the last 4years to get them to participate for the benefit of their patients, families and staff.) My own family rejects the idea, so the naysayer in my head decides to tally the score. "If you can't get the people who were closest to Jonnae to embrace the vision and participate, why in the world would you think you can get this to grow nationwide?"

Music in the car begins to lift my spirit a little. We hear the new commercial on WAY-FM promoting Horner Novelties as our Wacky Wednesday supplier and it lifts a bit more. We walk into the doctor's office to the stares and non-changing facial expressions (after 4 years I'm still intrigued as to how you could see this walking wacky woman and not change your countenance in some way) and even though I'm used to this reaction it deflates me a lil.

Into the individual rooms we go; one being seen because of an asthma/allergy flare up, the other for a follow up to being prescribed an anti depressant. This is cause for a major deflate in my spirit. I ache for my youngest daughter and the struggle she's entangled in. I've already watched a daughter's spirit get so beat down from bullying at school that it wasn't until a leukemia diagnosis and a fight to save her life ensued that she was able to shift her perspective to see things differently. The diagnosis and journey that followed changed her. It changed all of us, just not in the same way.

It's the revelation of choice, and what we can do with it, that's propelled me to write, speak, and found a nonprofit to share the tools and gifts that were uncovered in the midst of that journey with Jonnae. Our perspective, choosing gratitude, finding a way to press on...those miraculous tools and the gifts they produced continue to be revealed to me in fresh, undeniable, miraculous ways today. However, I can't force anyone, not even my children, to pick them up and use them. Choice is individually given. It can't be taken away. I don't get to choose someone else's thinking for them.

I dropped my children off at school and headed off to do the radio interview. I had time to run a couple of errands, and as often happens wherever we go, was asked, "How are you?" Well, we all know when that question is asked, the intent is not to open the doorway for one to go on with a myriad of details. However, I'm not one who follows protocol ordinarily, lol, so I proceeded to talk about the rough start I was off to for a Wacky Wednesday (mind you, today I'm wearing a zebra velour cowboy hat topped with a tiara, a red glitter cape, big ginormous mardi gras type beads, a braided blue and white wig, zebra leggings, red baseball socks, black and white chucks, glitter lashes and a milk mustache..oh! and a heart painted on the tip of my nose. Not easy to be so serious in a silly get up like this, yet still possible if you choose to be in that state. Thing about who I've become over the course of the last 7 years, is as natural as it is to breathe, my thoughts and words began shifting to speak positively with encouragement and inspiration. I've become an extremely authentic being, I can't speak one thing and be something else. So the incredible shift happened. I went from being affected by one's depression (which I can't control) to being empowered by my own choice, to let go and let God. By the time I was back in the car, I was feeling more like the inspirational, God powered being I choose to be and have become. Off to the radio station I went.

The radio interview with Joyce Oglesby of "Just Ask Joyce" of Shine 105.9 was just as such an experience tends to be, happy, uplifting and encouraging. There's something that remains constant since the day I've been set on this journey, as I speak the words of truth and inspiration that came to me during the time I needed them most, they lift others and continually lift me. God's amazing that way.

So I left the station thanking God for the turnaround that I had experienced today. Once again completely aware of the power of gratitude and choice to not create on my own, but co-create with God, a masterpiece out of my day...my life. I was compelled to share the thought on my facebook page, "Some spend their whole life making a mess of it. Some eventually turn to God and co-create with Him to turn the mess into a masterpiece. Choice! It's yours. What will you choose? Because fact of the matter is you GET to make the choice as many times as you will!"

The spirit lifting continued. The day had begun as a workout I wasn't sure I had the stamina for, I decided to press on through it, asked God for some assistance and the strength, energy, adrenaline, and joy continued to increase. Introduced to a woman who'd heard of me and wears an "I GET TO' wristband (they can be ordered at www.weGETto.org), with tears in her eyes she spoke my 'love language' to me (Words of Affirmation is my love language. Read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman if you'd like to know yours.) She said, "You are such a  wonderful woman of inspiration. The world needs you. Don't stop."

Only moments later, I was conversing with a couple as yet again, more tears welled up in the eyes of one needing encouraged. I could feel the love of God, moving and speaking through me to be the hope and inspiration one of them craved.

I headed out to stop in, unannounced, to a couple of potential sponsors for the June 6th Wack Attack Celebration of Jonnae's 4th Heavenly Birthday. As might be expected the people I had intended to see, weren't there with no appointment having been set. What some might not expect, but I'm never surprised by, were divine appointments just waiting for me to show up.

At the first one, the restaurant where Jonnae had her last dine out experience, the hostesses asked me what Wacky Wednesday was all about. As I proceeded to explain, a young girl with a shaved head, pointed to her uncle who was sitting just behind me. She said her cousin had recently been diagnosed with leukemia. I turned around to ask the gentleman if I'd visited them on a Wacky Wednesday, but recognized him instantly. He's responsible for providing one my all-time favorite Wacky Wednesday memories.

Not a place that really embraces the Wacky Wednesday vision like I dream of growing, the children's hospital is a hard place to inject with smiles and silliness. The patients are game much quicker than the staff. It's definitely a heavy spiritual workout for me. I often find myself exhausted, ready to fall into bed early Wednesday evening, a  result of it. However, this particular morning, I was given quite the energy boost, when I poked my head into a dark room. Before I could even whisper, "It's wacky Wednesday." the patients mother was hitting the leg of a sleeping man in the window seat that's often made into a make shift bed. SHE was the one who whispered it's Wacky Wednesday, and just as if an alarm clock had sounded, the man jumped up to rush out and get some wacky good from the cart to create their Wacky Wednesday. It was AWESOME! And here this man sat, as if he was the one I had an appointment with (hence why I call them divine appointments) We high fived reminiscing about that Wacky Wednesday and I went about my merry way.

On to the next unscheduled stop. I get to travel tomorrow to a speaking engagement. I thought it would be a good idea to stop in and get my oil changed. I was hardly out of the car, when I man I didn't recognize (we'd not met before) approached my car and said, "I need to ask you something." Ofcourse, I expected the question was going to be about my attire, but was pleasantly surprised when he said, "I've been trying to buy your book and the bookstores I've checked don't carry it." (it too is available at www.weGETto.org) I proceeded to tell him I'd tried to get it in bookstores, but had a traveling bookstore in my car. He was so happy to acquire a signed copy. Was such a blessing to witness that excitement in him and be a small part of what's responsible for it. Love the surprise party God continually throws for us if we allow Him to host one for us.

It's not always evident, or easy to see, He's with us; hosting surprise parties, scheduling divine appointments, co creating to produce masterpieces of our messes, but I assure you He is. I have NO DOUBT. It gets easier to continue the leap in faith, when a day such as today, one that began with a heavy, deflated, discouraged spirit turns into an undeniably, abundantly blessed, incredible day.

Now I get to return home with a strengthened, lifted, encouraged spirit to somehow be an example to my discouraged daughter when she gets home from practice. An example of what's possible when we not only ask God, but F.R.O.G. (fully rely on God) to be our strength, our light and our hope. May you too, whomever you are, whatever you're going through, be encouraged to press on, F.R.O.G and co-create a masterpiece out of what you feared was a mess. Anything is possible with God!

A New Season. A New Game Plan.

Eventually time and circumstances present themselves in the way that I crave. I’m getting closer to being able to do more of what I love and feel called to do! What I understand and know to be true is that I get to create the opportunities to make my dreams my reality. When I’ve had enough of things as they are, I’ll change what’s necessary to move me from craving and dreaming into reality and living! I’m getting close!

It’s been an extremely painful process. One I don’t think many realize, because I’ve been guarded in my sharing. Not to be secretive intentionally, for I’m much more at ease operating from a completely honest and transparent place then being careful about what I communicate. After Jonnae’s “Heavenly Birth” when it became necessary for me to create an income, I shifted from my natural transparent personal mode of being, into a controlled professional one. As my focus became what the business world wanted, my fun factor disappeared, my writing stopped, and my spirit weakened. Switching from a no holds barred personal mode, to an all about business one, hasn’t been working for me. 

I was about to write that while the past couple of years have been good for personal growth, they haven’t been good for the state of my spirit. I wasn’t even finished typing out the sentence when it became clear to me that’s not a true statement. It is because of the weakened state, that growth occurs. This is true personally and professionally, physically and spiritually. The term ‘growing pains’ was coined for a reason – with growth comes pain and with pain comes growth; tis the cycle of life.

I’ve gained a tremendous amount of insight and wisdom over the past 7 years. As a result, I’ve acquired many wonderful tools. The gift bearer of this multitude of miraculous treasure was pain.

Pain of a diagnosis, pain of a child’s suffering, pain from mourning a life no longer ours as a family to experience, pain of letting go of a best friend/soulmate/and cherished daughter, pain of loneliness when no longer surrounded by droves of people (not physically, but a presence that was obvious and proven through many forms of dialogue, snail mail, emails, response to blogs, that no longer exists) pain from being faced with financial concerns that were not present when there was a community helping us with them, pain from extreme disappointment when people I respected, loved, and thought came into my life to support and lift me, chose instead to maliciously knock me down. Pain from watching my family internalize their individual suffering and loneliness convinced no one’s was the same as theirs. Although heart wrenching and almost debilitating with emotional exhaustion that led to physical fatigue at times, these pains brought gifts; lessons, awareness and opportunities to grow. And so I’ve learned to embrace and use them. It took me longer with some than with others. And I get to work through others still.

I've been seeking a way to return to my best being, only with no desire to go about doing it as I have before. Because of the unloving, self serving leadership team involved with a program I've used in the past, and the hurtful memories associated to their actions towards me, I’ve chosen to walk away from it with no want to ever return. I’ve finally been given a creative, exciting new set of tools to build with. It’s a new season, a new game and I’m pretty stoked!

A combination of what I call ‘meditation in motion’ and ‘sacred silence’ gifted me a new game plan yesterday morning. I have Pinterest to thank for the first piece of it. (Funny, because I tweeted last week, “I ran but couldn’t hide. Pinterest finally caught me”.) As often is the case, the things we run from, often have gifts for us. Today, I’m grateful to be receiving them.

This new game plan began with a picture. A picture of two glass cylinders; one labeled ‘Pounds Lost’ one labeled “Pounds to Go” (before any of you lovely, appreciated readers interpret this is being about weight or physical appearance, it’s about so much more…read on ;)

My spirit hasn’t been as strong or healthy, because my body hasn’t been. I’ve neglected to take care of it in the same way I did through Jonnae’s illness when I had built my best, strongest, healthiest being. Granted, I took quite a hit when forced to let go of Jonnae. However, there’s a fine line where needed rest that could serve you leads to inactive living, which does not. Atrophy is the consequence of inactivity. My emotional, mental and spiritual muscles suffered a parallel atrophy to my physical when I stopped working it. I had a multitude of legitimate excuses as to why I had let go. Bottom line is inactive and weak doesn’t lead to best being or best life. I will no longer settle for less than both!

So back to the cylinders and new game plan that will lead me to the return of my best being. The Pinterest picture had colored stones representing the goal of weight loss. I’ll do something a bit different. I still move the items that represent that pounds as I shed them. It occurred to me to use beads instead of stones. I will use these beads to make a bracelet once I’ve reached my goal. The bracelet will serve as a reward, as well as a reminder of what it took to reach the finish line.  (I’m going to purchase special beads today. I plan on this being a lifetime reminder with great meaning) I decided also, to attach an incentive to each pound/bead. What always gives me incentive to let go of myself is when it will bless another. What’s interesting about that, is blessing others always has a way of blessing me back, even when that’s not my intent. It’s pretty awesome how that works.

As I let go of each pound, I get to give something special to someone else. I initially established the order to include a mix of mini rewards, some to me, some to others; none of them costly, for I haven’t the funds to do that. A new thought just came to mind however, where even the gifts to me will extend to someone else. For instance, the original order had included a manicure and pedicure for myself. I won’t be going to a spa. My intention was just to reward myself with pampering in a way that acknowledges and appreciates the accomplishment. I’ll still give myself a manicure or pedicure after the designated pound attached to that incentive. I’ll just be certain on the same day to give one to someone else. If my daughter Lydia would enjoy it, I’ll share the time and love with her. (She’s not too into that type of thing) If not, I’ll go to the nursing home or hospital and share that time and love of a manicure or pedicure with someone who could use an extra dose of it. I LOVE that idea! It’s basically an order to acts of kindness I’ve been meaning to do, but haven’t. I’ve built Lydia, the boys and my husband, Johnny into the order with shared movie nights or one on one experiences they choose to share, that will enhance our relationships and keep communication open. This kind of structured game plan, will keep me excited and focused as I move from one progressive step to the next, whether it be about the building of a stronger me across the board, the relationships that are important to me, or business. Which leads me to the next exciting development.

The We GET To Organization is now a 501c3 nonprofit entity. After 3 years of running from the process, (with all this ‘running’, I should be a bit lighter, lol) I finally took the leap of faith and submitted the application to the IRS. They've accepted and approved our application. As long as I try to work out of a home office, progress is going to be significantly slower.  I get to figure that component out soon, for it’s a bit of what I was talking about in the opening of this blog when I said, “When I’ve had enough as things are, I’ll create the opportunity.” I'm really tired of being alone, in the home, craving to be out in the world sharing this vision. I’ve made a couple attempts to secure a space. They just weren’t the right combination for an equation that works. I’m hopeful! I do believe the solution is getting closer! Keep me in prayer as I build a team to help me build a strong We GET To Organization that will outlive us all! I'm open to any suggestions and shared wisdom, as I'm in unfamiliar territory.

I ran across a 'pin' (for someone that didn’t want to engage in Pinterest, I must say, it’s a fun resource. Just like every other social media option…moderation is key!) The pin was a quote from Socrates, ”I can’t teach anyone anything. I can only make them think.” So there you have it…I gave you something to think about…it’s up to you if you choose to do something with it!

A Birthday Wish and the Sweetest of All Desserts!

Time gets away from us, doesn't it? I said to a dear friend, "It's as if the sand in the hour glass has turned to water. The hours, days, and years just flow faster and faster."

No sense in me trying to make up for time that's passed, or the thoughts I didn't sit down to write through the course of it. It's because it seemed so overwhelming a task, that such a large amount of time has slipped by without me doing so. Today, I've decided I'll begin where I am in the present and commit to share from this point forward.

I couldn't possibly begin to convey my present thoughts, without some reflection of the past. Many don't wish to remember four years ago when Jonnae was battling for more time on earth. Yet, I discovered how to make best use of my own, because of it.

I've a strong desire to recreate what I got to experience during that last bit of time with Jonnae. In a song called "Blessings" by Laura Story, one will hear her sing these words, "What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life, is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy." If not for having experienced what we did together, I'd not recognize that what I strive to create on earth, is what lies ahead in Heaven. I got to sample a taste with Jonnae, in a recipe that combined struggle, selflessness, faith and God's presence. No reason why I can't take the ingredients the gift of today offers, combine them with the recipe Jonnae and I discovered, and create more of the same sweet treat today.


I thought that's exactly what I was trying to do. However, it's only recently that I've come to realize, I was trying to be the executive chef. This is the role of the one responsible for the operation of entire kitchen. Only that's not possible. God's the executive chef. There is no 'sous chef', for that is a role created for a second in command when the executive chef is absent. That's never the case in God's kitchen. No! I see now, I'm more a line cook working in what I see as the pastry department (how divine an analogy, lol) creating sweet concoctions of love, peace, joy and inspiration. (It's important to note, even the sweetest desserts can have ingredients that are not sweet at all) See how incredibly beautiful this metaphor is when observing an illness and Heavenly Birth as ingredients for a sweet and 'soulful' recipe.

I imagine every year at this time, I'll be deep in rememberance of a past Christmas that combined an array of ingredients to create the sweetest of delicacies. I am ever awake to the fact that on my own, I will never produce such a dessert as what God did then, is doing now, and will in the future. With the enthusiasm of a child at Christmas, I anticipate with great delight, what sweet experience He's baking up in His kitchen to gift me in this year's Christmas 'present'....only a taste of what He has for us in the eternity of Heaven. 

I've unconsciously attempted to take over the bakery the past couple of years. Now that I've reawakened to my rightful place in God's kitchen, I'm confident that my 44th year will be quite the dream. I hope this analogy is enjoyable for you, as it is me. I long to share the sweet desserts I create in God's kitchen with you! Consider this, your piece of my birthday cake ;D ( I get to share my birthday with Jesus. I just heard the song, "Love was Born on Christmas Day" It may sound hokey....I assure you it's my deepest desire to be a gift of God's love to the world, at Christmas and all year through.)

I'll Die a Dreamer

The exhilarating rise, sharp turn, incredibly fast drop and pain I'm feeling as a result of being jerked around today is too much like a roller coaster to not use it as an illustration for the opening of this blog. It's an analogy that is excessively worn out and doesn't display my flare for being creative. However, I guarantee by the end of this blog, you'll have experienced a thought exceedingly more innovative! So stick with me. ;)

For several days now, I've been ascending. My level of energy has been on the rise, as well as my belief that I'm on the brink of an answered prayer...a big break...something exciting and hugely rewarding for being relentless and faithful. So when I received a call today from someone I'd touched base with about delivering the "We GET To" message, and she had a very warm lead for me, I got excited. I called her referral and he embraced what I was proposing. He gave me some insightful information and another phone number. An opportunity much bigger than the one I had initially seen was being revealed to me. My excitement escalated as my dream began wildly unfolding in my imagination. As I met and conversed with several people today, I enthusiastically shared my most recent vision with them.

Once home, the call I'd been anticipating came. I presented the vision I had for partnering with this company and presenting the We GET To message to the schools the company sponsors and got this response, "I understand and appreciate what you are doing, but we aren't able to offer additional school support or participate at this time." I thanked the man for returning my call so promptly and hung up. Reality's severe turn was followed by a fast drop of a dream and several tears. My weaker self's voice began to fill my head with discouragement. "You're a hopeless dreamer. Your family and friends just shake their heads in pity as you cling to a dream that never going to come to pass. Jonnae was a tenacious fighter. Courageous and faithfilled. She died a dreamer. What makes you think you'll be any different?" My face was covered with a wash of tears and I couldn't blow my nose fast enough or hard enough when my stronger self spoke louder.  "Remember! A 'no' means God's got something better in mind!" Better than what I imagined today? Now THAT'S EXCITING!!! :D


The tears dried up, my head still hurts from the nasal activity earlier and I don't know how this journey is going to play out. This I know for sure - I'm not any different than Jonnae. I'll keep smiling, keep praying, keep getting up, looking up, and never giving up. Come true or not... I'll die a dreamer!

Blending in isn't ALL that Bad!

I continue to be in awe of the power of awareness! There’s no limit to it making our life better, every day in every way.

Have you heard of Katie Piper? She’s a young woman who, because of her tenacity and courage, is responsible for taking my consciousness to a new heightened level.

3 years ago, this former twenty-something model was the victim of an acid attack. From the severe burns she suffered from this horrific act of violence, her face, chest and throat have been damaged for life. Blind in her left eye, skin grafts from her back to reconstruct her face, multiple surgeries on her face, eyelids, and throat (because of damage from swallowing some of the acid when it was thrown on her) this woman presses on with a mission- to turn her personal tragedy into triumph for herself and for others.

Katie. My Beautiful Friends is a four part documentary that caught my attention several weeks ago. I found it airing on OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) while channel surfing late one night. Katie has formed a charity, aiding those who are dealing with severe deformities, allowing her to make personal visits and offer a support group. Throughout the documentary, she introduces us to her ongoing challenges, as well as those she’s met and encouraged. Some were born with severe deformities, some are victims of burns and others are dealing with growing, life threatening tumors. All are incredibly courageous and great examples of, not only how our circumstances could be much worse, what is possible with perspective and perseverance – two of our greatest (two of my strongest) gifts.

I was impacted greatly after viewing only the first of Katie’s four episodes. Each week my heart has been opened more. These individuals are suffering greater pain then what’s evident physically. They are suffering unnecessary mental, emotional and spiritual pain, because as a whole, we’ve chosen to look the other way and not treat them as the beautiful souls they are beneath the skin. I’ve resolved to make eye contact with anyone whose path I cross, especially those who aren’t used to experiencing eyes gazing into theirs. The extent of my compassion has increased tenfold!

This week I’ve been gifted my own personal experience, as if it were to be an exclamation point for this life altering lesson Katie’s responsible for gifting me. After taking a close look at my lower lip last week, my dermatologist decided a quick freeze of excessive sun damage would be the best treatment. With her ‘gun’ she zapped another spot just above my upper lip also. Two large blisters formed and within a couple of days, the spots have begun to scab over. So mindful of the challenges Katie and her beautiful friends deal with every day as they go out, to be either stared at or treated as if they were invisible, I’m ever present to the blessing of being able to ‘blend in,’ even with a couple unsightly blisters.

I’ve had exposure to the pain caused by staring. Not one to cry over her circumstances often, one thing that could bring Jonnae’s spirit down and lead to tears, was the staring that happened as a result of her bald head. Still, as a cancer patient there was plenty of support and compassion for her to experience. The embrace and support far outweighed the stares and galking that made her so uncomfortable. That’s not the case when it comes to these individuals with severe abnormalities that Katie has made ambassadors for her charity.

The reality check these brave people offer us is of incredible value! I’ve recently been introduced to another burn victim carrying on with life and exuding what spirit and tenacity is all about. JR Martinez, one of this season’s contestants on Dancing with the Stars, was burned on more than 40 percent of his body when his Humvee hit a land mine while he was serving in Iraq in 2003. The injuries left him with scars on his face and the loss of his left ear.

Seems life continually leaves me in a state of awe, with heightened awareness and increased gratitude. To some my challenges seem so large, yet I continue to see others with hurdles just as looming, if not larger. And…they’re clearing theirs. No greater source of inspiration than seeing what’s possible and committing to doing the same. I’ll keep clearing the hurdles and climbing the mountains, knowing that I’ll always have everything I need to accomplish whatever I want…it’s simply a matter of choosing to press on for the prize – a life lived in peace, joy, happiness and love NO MATTER WHAT! I love, Love, LOVE being awakened to the multitude of abundant blessings that surround me! Don’t you?