Goals, Gratitude and Shared Wisdom

I finally took the leap! Friday I obtained approval from the state of Indiana for We GET To's Articles of Incorporation to be a nonprofit entity, and have received the EIN and DUNN #'s required for the other applications I now GET TO submit. First and foremost is the 501c3 application for tax exempt status. I'm on it and think I've located the assistance necessary to file everything the right way. I'll know after a phone call tomorrow morning. It's soooo not easy as everyone wants to believe or advise. Only the people who have personally filed a 501c3 form know just how sticky the whole process is. And it's imperative to do everything exactly right. 'Big Brother' is hardly as understanding as our Heavenly Father. That being said, it's imperative to have an attorney who's familiar with the process look the entire application over. My goal is to have had an attorney do just that and have the form in the mail on the way to the IRS with payment by July 12 (I GET TO go to the lake for the family's annual 'girl's weekend' and want to enjoy it completely with the relief that will come with this step being behind me)


After submitting the Articles and getting the letter back from the State saying We GET To had been approved, my commitment and focus increased tremendously. There's no turning back. Now that I've done it, I feel like a child who was extremely too hesitant at the top of a slide or high dive. Why did it take me so long to make the decision? I guess it's irrelevant at this point, it did. I finally held my breath, closed my eyes and just decided to go for it. 


Today's Wacky Wednesday has me even more determined to shift this journey into a different direction. I read a quote last week that said, 'If you don't change the direction you're going, you're gonna end up where your headed."  I don't Wacky Wednesday to end up as a small local volunteer program. I don't want to end up as a speaker whose message went unspoken to the masses. I don't want to end up as the woman, mother, wife, who wasn't able to contribute to her family's/community's financial needs. I GET TO find the solutions to the issues that have been holding me back and eliminate the distractions that have kept me from moving forward. I GET To do it now!


Another direction I GET TO change is that of my physical health. Since Jonnae's "Heavenly Birth' I've slowly put on 20+ pounds. The weight was slow to creep on and my focus, strength, and energy has slowly leaked away. After Jonnae's passing, my weight fluctuated up and down the first year, 5-10 pounds. As I let go of healthier food choices on a consistent basis, I managed to no longer fluctuate, but keep the first 10 pounds on. Paid speaking opportunities did not increase, I sold plenty of books, but with no business plan or structured budget in place, I poured out more to grow my business then I had coming in. It became necessary for me to let go of my gym membership. I gained, and kept, another 10lbs. I thought I'd at least maintain my weight with the equipment we have in the basement, but my heart just hasn't been in my physical fitness anymore. Fitness somehow, as it often does, lost it's place in my 'wheel of balance' The reality is, whether I have a heart for it or not, whether I am on fire with focus or not, it's impossible to live my best life if I'm not taking the best care of the health and body I've been given. I've returned to the point where I do indeed want to change (for the better) more than I want to stay the same. (in a mediocre, I'll settle for this because it could be worse, mentality or body)

That being said (and because I GET TO go offline and back to writing bylaws and staying on course for the goals I've set for We GET To) here are some other goals I'll have accomplished by the first weekend of October, a special weekend with some special people who are also looking to live their best life:

I'll be back to the 145ish weight that best suits me, not only looking my best, but FEELING my best across the board, so that I'm better able to contribute to my family, my community, and our world. I'm at 166.8 now. Painful to type, but there you have it. No shame, simply keeping it real so I can get out of the rut and back to the 'race' :D  I'm not respecting or honoring in the best way, what God's given me with my physical body and health. 

The energy that comes with that body will fuel me to have completed whatever the next steps necessary are for We GET To. I'll work with knowledgable, trustworthy professionals to get a financial budget in place, as well as 1,3,5 year business goals for We GET To as a nonprofit with Wacky Wednesday as it's premier project. Boardmeetings will be happening consistently and a strong action team will have formed. Wacky Wednesday will not only be a volunteer program, it will be a hospital endorsed, staff supported program being looked at by additional hospitals for staff morale building, turnover decrease, and added value for all, staff, patients and their families. 

As a part of this plan, it is most necessary to find a workspace for me outside my home. I've recently added a new diagnosis to my previous ones of AD (no second "D" - Attention Deficiency is not a disorder, it's merely a challenge some of us GET TO overcome; a character trait that builds us into who we are if you will  I'm also SA(no "D" or disorder there either) Seasonally Affected is again, simply a challenge, or better yet...an opportunity to succeed regardless of hurdles..those hurdles when cleared make the victories that much more sweet  No medication necessary, simply a new perspective and a strong will. Back to the new diagnosis...I'm a special needs child. God knows I'm not trying to be His difficult daughter, I simply have surroundings that are necessary for energy to flow that allows me to produce. It may be appealing for some to stay in their pajamas, working infront of a computer all day, but that's not the best atmosphere for me. I've given it go after go. So if I've not acquired a work space in 12 weeks, I'll certainly have strong leads and a plan in place to acquire it sooner than I'm set to now 

And my love of all loves, inspirational speaking...I'll have atleast one nicely paid annual conference keynote on the calendar for 2012 and the momentum will be building for increased opportunities there as well. While I've been serving my community with Wacky Wednesday and pro bono We GET To talks, I've not been serving my family and our financial needs. Poor hubby needs help with the kids ever growing financial requirements. One of the many blessings that will be born of We GET To as a nonprofit, will be me meeting more decision makers who will embrace the value of what I offer their organizations in the way of speaking and training on perspective and perseverance.

That being said, how I look back at the past 3 years is not as a period in which I 'fell' but as one that was necessary for my own personal development. One that gives me the opportunity to pick myself up and show others what is possible. One of my alltime favorite quotes is "Learning is a gift even if pain is the teacher." I've learned much in the 3 years since Jonnae's passing. For that I am grateful. I now GET TO take the wisdom born of the good, as well as the difficult, use it and share it.

The Gifts of a Storm

For the second morning in a row, the Kentuckiana area has awakened to some pretty severe thunderstorms. This morning's storms are a bit more violent.

Yesterday, as the rest of my family slept in, I sat in the quietness of a mild storm and reflected. I, as many do, like the 'perks' that come with a rainy day. Sleeping in, diversion from every day living; a forced vacation day if you will. Even tasks that have fallen to the bottom of the priority list, for far too long, can be completed as the direct result of a rainy day. Maybe not a vacation day, but the sense of accomplishment stemming from that kind of productivity is quite nice also.

I've always had a fascination and intrigue with thunderstorms and as I once again compare the literal to the figurative, I'm blessed with a sense of gratitude for reawakened awareness. If not for rainy days, mundane cycles may never be broken.

Sometimes rainy days act as a sedative and help us catch up on much needed sleep. More violent storms, jolt us from our slumber and result in a necessary 'wake up' call. That's how I perceive the violent storm of Jonnae's leukemia...a necessary wake up call. I'm thankful for the jolt that resulted in a new list of priorities. I was sleep walking through life, hypnotized by a mundane rat race. I'm grateful for the litany of awarenesses that came from our hurricane named 'Leuk'. Because of the severity of damage 'Leuk' would eventually wreak, my Creator rebuilt me into someone incapable of being destroyed by a natural disaster. I'll never again return to the mundane. Life may temporarily challenge me with a distraction, but thankfully I'm now programmed to default back to a consciousness that's much more enlightened.

I may create a plan and forget for a while that ultimately there is a plan greater than mine. Eventually I get a wake up call that reminds me. It may come in the form of a violent storm. So yes, I'm grateful for them. I may fall into the old habit of hosting a pity party and speaking like a victim, but a mild storm comes and with a clap of thunder I'm reminded of the power that comes from above. With awe and wonder, I allow Him to give me strength and rise again to being a victor. Storms are one of God's tools to keep us awake, open to and mindful of Him.

If the sun shone brightly every day, if the sky were always blue, we'd fall into the mundane and not have a heightened sense of gratitude for them. As the rest of my family is beginning to stir and we're set to celebrate Father's day, I'm grateful for much this morning. Mindful and present to many more gifts than I would have been had I not been jolted from my sleep, by a violent storm.

Come Home!

For the past 2 months, I've been pouring my heart and energy into a special celebration/benefit created to celebrate Jonnae's 3rd Heavenly Birthday. It's a day long event to celebrate her life and help raise funds to grow We GET To as a nonprofit that will implement Wacky Wednesday into children's hospitals across the country. It all started with a friend's want to help me raise the funds necessary to take Dr Patch Adams up on his invitation to join Wacky Wednesday with his mission trip to Russia in November. She suggested a telethon with 25 callers, each with a goal to raise 500.00. Broken down that way, the fundraising didn't seem so daunting and I'd have the necessary funds to stock the current Wacky Wednesday cart at Kosair for a year, cover the state/federal/membership fees to apply for 501c3 status to grow We GET To as a nonprofit and be able to join Patch in Russia.

A new energy and enthusiasm fueled my spirit as ideas continued to sprout forth from the seed my friend had planted. When we first discussed a day/date to hold this telethon, Sunday night was thrown out as the best possible time to make calls asking for financial support. It would likely be the best time to reach supporters by phone. However, since Wacky Wednesday is what this vision is all about, it felt better to me to have the telethon on a Wednesday. Then it occured to me that Jonnae's 3rd Heavenly Birthday was coming up. A Wacky Wednesday FUNdraising party would be a great way to celebrate her, her life, and "Heavenly Birth"

My youngest son came up with "Wack Attack" as the name for the event. It has indeed turned out to be a plan where Southern Indiana and Louisville will be attacked with 'wack'iness all day this Wednesday, June 8. So many across the country...world for that matter...have been impacted by Jonnae's courage, faith, and want to replace sorrow with joy. Based on the Celebration of Life we had for her one week before Jonnae's birth into Heaven, it was easy for me to imagine that as many who helped and participated then, would for the Wack Attack now. Through the promotion, planning and preparations, it doesn't apprear that will be the case.  Not many tshirts were bought, 25 callers haven't been secured, I've 'heard crickets' when I've put out calls of action. But the Wack Attack isn't until Wednesday. Donations will be made at www.weGETto.com, people will show up to celebrate her at the Creative Workshop in Louisville, Cluckers is behind this mission 100% and many of our friends will go eat there to support them  in supporting us. I GET TO wait and see. I'll probably be pleasantly surprised.

A most interesting revelation has come of this experience. Since Jonnae's "Heavenly Birth" I've been busting my tail. First, I poured myself into editing and publishing the blogs I'd written the last nine months of Jonnae's life. (To date nearly 1500 copies of "Heavenly Birth. A Mother's Journey. A Daughter's Legacy." are in circulation.) I've been desperately seeking the person, group, or company that will embrace the book and help get it out to the world in a larger way. In addition to the book, I've exhausted myself in trying to build a career out of inspirational speaking. I can't explain the gift given and received when I GET TO speak to audiences about the lessons and blessings that have come wrapped in this tragedy turned triumph. Through the book, the speaking, the planning of the "Wack Attack" I've continually lost my way.

Most of the time, I wasn't aware I was lost. If I was, I seemed to have no idea the way back. Until...a couple of weeks ago God decided to reign me back in. He began at my niece's dance recital during the final routine. As OneRepublic's song, "Come Home" played, a montage of each dancer saying "Come Home" played on a big screen. I didn't think much about it at the time. Later that evening, I was reading "Inspired Women Succeed" - a book of stories by 40 women (I'm one of them) who share what's inspired them to succeed. (book can be ordered at www.inspiredwomensucceed.com) Typical of my nature, I decided to pluck stories in a random order. Since I've not had much structure in my life of late, Prioritize was the subtitle to jump off the page at me. I read the story where a woman tells of a time she called her husband in distress and he simply said, 'Come home'. After hearing "Come Home" so many times earlier in the day, I did think something of the words this time. Since it just so happened that the day these words were ringing over and over to me was May 21, the day the 'rapture' was all the hype, I lightheartedly said to Our Creator, "If today's the day you tell me to Come Home, I'm ready."

On the way back home from the dance recital earlier, I had stopped and rented the movie "Secretariat"  I decided it was a good time to pop the movie in and watch it. Not far into the story, Diane Lane calls home to update her husband on the happenings of her recently deceased father's business. Her husband pleas with her to "Come home"

What is it your telling me Lord? I don't understand. I'm home all the time. I'm trying to figure out how I get out in the world and support my family while serving you. What does "Come home" mean? 

A couple days later, I awoke with a song in my head. A song we used to sing in church often when I was young..."Come back to me, with all your heart. Don't let fear keep us apart. Trees do bend though straight and tall. So must we to others call.

Long have I waited for your COMING HOME to me and living deeply our new life. 

What I wouldn't give to hear God talking to me this way all the time. I still didn't know what 'come home' meant, but without a shadow of a doubt, He was trying to get through to me. It was in talking to another of my dear friends that I realized God was asking me to return to Him, completely, whole heartedly, without fear. I didn't think I was living in fear. I didnt' think I had ever left home/Him. But truth is...I had. It was fear that had me seeking someone to show me the way to getting my message out there through the book and speaking. I've been scrambling around in desperation to find others to join me in the Wack Attack. I've been far from home...the peace I have in the center of God's grace - His Word, my faith.

When I was 'working my way' through life during Jonnae's illness, I cleared every hurdle with ease simply by keeping my eyes on God. In the eye of the storm, in the hospital stays, in the face of  her death "Heavenly Birth", I never left 'home.' I naturally defaulted to God, letting Him show me the way. I didn't exhaust myself scrambling to find someone else to help/show me. I didn't rely on anyone joining me. It was simply me and God all the way. 

Tonight, once again, I began to get distracted by the amount of people who've not stepped forward to participate and celebrate Jonnae with the Wack Attack. (for those of you who have, you have no idea the depth of gratitude I have for you) A visual popped up in my head to set me straight. I didn't literally see Him ofcourse, but the thought of God taking His two fingers like we do when we point at our own eyes and then to someone elses, as if to say, "You and me. I'm looking at you. Don't take your eyes off me." That's what came to me.

Home is where your heart is. When mine is with God, in faith, there's nothing that can distract me offcourse. There's nothing to interfere with my peace. My exhaustion comes from being 'homesick.' God's calling me back home. Oh how I've missed Him so. As I attend what would have been Jonnae's graduation today and the Wack Attack and Jonnae's Heavenly Birthday this week, it is the perfect time to return 'home' and stay with Him. 

We're Having A Wack Attack, June 8 - Don't miss it!

For those of you who may be visiting this blog for the first time or unaware of the Wacky Wednesday program Jonnae and I had envisioned creating, let me give you a brief recap. She was going through a bone marrow transplant, had been in the hospital for a couple of months, and received an email about spirit week back home at her school (we were in Cincinnati a couple hours away) During spirit week students were encouraged to dress Wacky on Wednesday.

It is said we are motivated by one of two things - desperation or inspiration. This was a case where I was motivated by the former; desperate to give Jonnae (us) something to smile about. I suggested we could get wacky wherever we are and asked if she'd like to create a wacky look for me. She lit up like a Christmas tree. Her spirit filled smile had a way of creating a contagious joy. As she grabbed the eyebrow pencil out of my makeup bag and drew a unibrow on my forehead and blacked out one of my teeth, we both shifted our focus from the seriousness and stress of her sickness to the silliness. Turns out laughter truly is the best medicine and the side effects are great.

She proceeded to give me ridiculous ponytails and pulled items out of my wardrobe that should never be worn together. I blacked out one of her teeth, gave her two different colored eyebrows and put a tattoo smack in the middle of her forehead. Head to toe we looked ridiculous. So much so, my husband didn't want to exit the elevator with us to indicate we were 'together' lol.

I must admit, when the kids left the house in years prior, dressed abnormally for the spirit week's Wacky Wednesday, I never thought, "Wow! That looks like fun. I want to do that!" 3 years into getting Wacky on Wednesday, I still don't always embrace the fun that can be wrapped in getting wacky. It's not a great deal of fun, nor am I comfortable, having people look at me like I'm a 'wack job' instead of the visionary behind weekly healing doses of worldwide laughter through Wacky Wednesdays.

It's been a great experience for me. I used to talk myself into being 'brave' and just doing it. Then I'd walk into a child's hospital room and be reminded, bravery isn't leaving your ego and vanity at the house to go out into the world wacky, it's within these walls as our babies and young ones fight courageously to live. It's interesting to think, as a country, we embraced Casual Fridays to be comfortable and bless ourselves, but we'll opt out of being Wacky on Wednesday at the thought of being uncomfortable to bless others.

So with that thought in mind, will you risk being uncomfortable to bless others and have a "Wack Attack" with us on June 8? Any one of us has seriousness and stress in our lives that could be replaced with silliness for a day ... and bless us with healing as a result of having done it. We are celebrating Jonnae's 3rd "Heavenly Birthday" one day early with a special Wacky Wednesday where we're attacking whomever, wherever, with wackiness :D Here locally in the Kentuckiana area, we've got a gym, bank, orthodonist office, workshop facility and restaurants participating and sponsoring the Wack Attack. Staff, tellers, and servers will be dressed wacky and each establishment is doing something to raise funds for the furthering of Wacky Wednesday. These funds will be used to stock the cart we have for supplying the patients with wacky items, printing materials for promotion of the program and training under Patch Adams in November. In hearing about Wacky Wednesdays he's invited me to tour with his group to Russian orphanages, clinics and hospitals for two weeks. And he's promised to implement Wacky Wednesday in his hospital, Gesundheit Institute, when it opens. (they broke ground last September) I can't grow this program without your support.

If you live in the Kentuckiana area you can get a Wack Attack shirt from me for 12.00 (just reply to this blog or shoot me a message) while out of towners can order the white tshirt at http://www.cafepress.com/WackyWednesdays (the front of the tshirt is the design displayed at  the top of this blog with We GET To Celebrate Jonnae Taylor - Heavenly Birth June 9, 2008 on the back) Whether local or not, whether you go to www.weGETto.com to make a donation, wear a tshirt , dress wacky, come down to The Creative Workshop in Louisville for the telethon or go to the participating restaurants, there are so many ways for you to celebrate the life and spirit of Jonnae and support and spread the word about Wacky Wednesday. As so many of you did with Jonnae's Celebration of life, whether here in town or not, I hope you'll join us!

"What is your will for me anyway God?"

Daggone it! I'm in a place I was hoping to never revisit... the bottom of 'The Pit.' But before I pour my heart out into this blog for the world to either embrace or judge, let me just say, Even though I'd rather be somewhere else, I know I've got what it takes to get out of here..and quickly. In the end I'll be better because of it. I don't appear to be certain of much these days, but of this I am sure!

What's prompted this return to the blogging world after a long hiatus is what I expect will also keep me actively present in it -

I thought I knew and I thought I was ready! Evidently I'm not or I wouldn't be frustrated or it this long in coming. Answers often come through my writing. A body that's been weary for a while, eyes stinging from tears, desperate for answers, here I sit; ready to see what's revealed through words that come forth.

I thought I knew what direction God wanted me to go in and I thought I was ready.

I thought I knew my speaking and writing could become a career and I thought I was ready.

I thought I knew how to share the gifts life has given me and I thought the world was ready to receive them.

I thought I knew how to share my message in front of a camera, from a place of authenticity, and I thought I was ready for the response. (I was way off on this one. It's the straw that broke the camel's back today.)

I thought I knew all of this was according to God's plan...certainly His will...now I'm not so sure. Which leads me to the question, "What is your will for me anyway God?"

The voice of discouragement has been resounding at higher volume of late. It's not music to my ears in the least. Trust me, I've tried to drown it out with faith, perseverance, gratitude, prayer, and yes... patience (although some would debate that last one for sure. ;) But I assure you I've given it my best effort.

I found a passion in writing, sharing from a place of authenticity during Jonnae's battle with leukemia and for the most part was accepted and supported for who I was. I was comfortable, even bold, speaking my heart and mind; not caring or looking for acceptance or support, just needing a place to think and have a voice. I found an inner acceptance and love of who I am that was foreign to me and I loved giving the lessons I was being taught a voice. Me as I am and the lessons were embraced. It was an incredible ride for all!

With a daughter's suffering and life at stake, I was not distracted with someone's judgment of me. I shared my thoughts with no other intention than to speak my truth, confident and assured. The ball stayed in my court. Even though to many it appears Jonnae lost to leuk, I know different. Her 'game of life' ended in victory. I was ready to continue on with the same game plan so mine would also.

However, it's an entirely different ball game. The field has changed and my batting average has suffered. I've had an increase in unforced errors and the score would reflect I've fallen behind. I am beyond ready to have a comfortable lead. It's been an exhausting slump and I'm trying to figure out just what the plan is now. What is the position God wants me at anyway?

I wasn't about to conform to the world's game plan during Jonnae's fight. Focusing on statistics, odds, players that have no place on God's eternal field. The world wasn't asking me to conform either. Now, as I seek to stay in the game, it does appear the world wants me to conform to it's perspective...it's plan; in the business sense of it anyway. It wants to polish me, have me speak scripts, be politically correct. It doesn't want me to show up as I am naturally. It wants me to learn to play it's way. Apparently, I'm not enough as I am. That's not working for me.

It takes me back to when I first started playing golf. Perfect analogy. My natural drive was astounding (no ego, just fact, I was competing in the World's Longest Drive contest only two years after I picked up a driver) but that wasn't good enough. I was encouraged to take lessons and learn the correct form. Result...not nearly as good. A long beautiful drive is no longer in my bag and the game not nearly as fun as it was with natural, raw talent. So there within lies my issue. Why fix what's not broken? Seems pretty clear to me now. If the business world isn't going to accept the gift of my message and how it's delivered..which is how I enjoy the game most...maybe it's time to play somewhere/something else. I'm left to wonder.

So maybe I don't know. Maybe I'm not ready. For now, all I can do is seek the ultimate coach, my Creator, and ask once again, "What is your will for me anyway?"

Safe in HIS arms

More and more I'm feeling the effects of backlog as so much powerful awareness is coming to me. Yet, I've not been able to find the ‘portal of peace' that allows the release of these thoughts to flow out in writing. Tonight I’ve decided whether it’s a place that’s comfortable or not, I GET TO write in the room I wrote many a night as we waited for Jonnae to take her last breath. This house is smothering me. My family seems to be fine and quite content, but I feel like superman would have if imprisoned with cryptonite.

The best way I can describe where I currently find myself is once again a daughter in the lap of her Father. Only this time I’m a child who's so emotional I cry at the drop of a hat; so tired I can’t seem to accomplish the simplest task.

For a while I thought I was coming down with something. In order to be considered an official volunteer with no need for a hospital escort for Wacky Wednesday, I GOT TO get vaccinated with MMR because one the titers evidently wasn’t strong enough for their liking. I don’t have much faith in our medicinal precautions. I wouldn’t have gotten the shot were not for my want to be able to visit the kids and this would keep me from getting permission to do so. I thought the physical fatigue could be the side effects they warned of. I don’t think that’s the case however. Although I feel completely unlike myself and frustrated as a result, I do know what it is. It's fatigue. Complete and total exhaustion, mind, body, and soul.

I've heard the spiritual guidance suggesting it's time to rest, to allow solutions to arise and trust help will come. Yet, I've continued to seek, work, and wear myself out. As a result of not listening to my wiser self, the weaker self has the ball in her court. Just as the sports ad states, I believe life is a game of you vs you. I have been so distracted by the dollar and where the next one will come from, I've been giving away my joy and power to create fulfilled days.

As soon as I had resolved to listen to the voice of reason and rest, the distraction known as financial instability screamed louder, "Not gonna happen." My husband was hospitalized for stroke symptoms. After every test in the book, the only explanation the doctors had was stress. As a result my children want to know when I'm going to help relieve the family’s stress, stop chasing a dream of passion and purpose and get a "real job." I understand their questions, concerns, and thinking. However, I refuse to sign up for a life of dragging myself to a job I don't enjoy, away from what I know is my calling, with no say of whether or not I'm surrounding myself with positive spiritual people, for the sake of receiving a consistent paycheck.

It's become apparent there is no 'normal' life for me to experience anymore and for that I am truly MOST grateful. If I could, I wouldn't have Jonnae come back if it meant going back to the person I was. She wouldn't want different than what is for me or for her.

There is so much in the way of reconstruction and reentry into life after releasing a child into Heaven. The most difficult being I feel like I'm conscious in an unconscious world.

How was it with a daughter fighting for her life, just the two of us quarantined in a hotel suite for a month of waiting, I experienced heaven on earth? I can tell you how it was. We were shown love and support from a community that wanted to give us peace however they could. There was no worry of how bills would get paid because of them. We could watch movies, create art, and enjoy the gift of simply being together for the time we had. There was no one attacking us with their opinions of what we should or shouldn’t be doing. There was simply time and filling it with love of one another and God.

Watching her suffer, unable to imagine what life would be like without her, my heart was breaking, yet life was miraculously beautiful. Now, even though my heart is forever broken, still, I know I can live a peaceful, joyfilled life. I've already lived it to know it's possible. God's placed this dream on my heart to speak and write and discerned many times His wants for and from me. Most of the time I'm really excited about what I believe is to come and I'm content if it doesn't.

Then there are times like this, where I'm struggling with everything. I don't require much to be happy, energetic, and excited about this gift called life. I can clearly see the vision and don’t mind that it’s going to take a lot of perseverance to get there. If I were just able to stay with my eyes on God and not get distracted by financial insecurity and the “normal living” of the world.

As much as I want to keep God in my sight and share words written and spoken with people anxious to be at God's banquet with me, I have a family with needs that I'm not contributing to when it comes to income and finances. Without the team I dream of having to direct, support, and experience this 'ride' with me, no full schedule of events to speak at, no sacred space to escape to for writing, I'm experiencing long lonely days in a quiet home that we are blessed to have, yet most painful memories of a life no longer here loom in every room. I go to sleep remembering shared heart wrenching conversations I had with my ‘mini me’ while she lay in my bed and where I woke to find her peaceful face and lifeless body. I eat where she cooked food for her baby (her dog Sassy..and yes I did say she cooked for her) and where she loved to paint fingernails. (mine and hers) The family room is where she sat lifelessly while my mother massaged her feet; where she mumbled and groaned as her platelets dropped and blood clotted in her nose and mouth. Lydia moved into Jonnae’s room, yet I can’t share time with her in there without recalling all the time I shared with her sister. These are natural emotions, memories, and challenges, yet I know as long as I’m in this house, I’m bound to them.

Where does the help come from? When do the dreams seem within reach? Where does the motivation come from for me to do what's necessary to feel like myself again? I know If it’s meant to be, it’s up to me. I know this is a season that will pass. It's a season like several I've already lived through and will survive again. God is my strength and He’s never failed me.

I am a bit surprised, and a bit aggravated, that it's a season that’s come now. Winter is the month I have a tendency to feel ‘dead’, not fall. If I’m feeling like this now, what do I GET TO do to keep me from dragging it out through the real ‘gray season?’ I’m sick of days being like sand through the hour glass. (Oh brother, really? I’m going to use the opening of a daytime soap opera? I decided to lighten it up and inject some humor :D) Seriously, if not for Ellen Degeneres and America’s Funny Home videos I’d be in much worse shape. Laughter is the best medicine! I may have dropped some of the habits that better serve me, but I will never stop turning to humor as my knot on the end of the rope to get me climbing out of the pit. Humor and the Love of God, two things that are never out of my grasp. I may be tired, but I’m safe in His arms!

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