Remarkable Revelation

I'm continually amazed at how God takes heartbreak or disappointment and spins something amazing out of it. Early in 2009, what I once had perceived as a "dream come true" quickly transformed into a nightmare. Surprisingly, pain is an incredible teacher. It's the lessons that hurt that stick. Because of the lessons I learned through the pain of Jonnae's leukemia, I was better able to bounce back from, and embrace, the lessons contained in the pain of this year.

God's creative in the material He uses to teach me......us. Some choose to turn a deaf ear to Him. However, me personally...the more I know Him, the more I want to know Him. The more He has to say to me, the more I want to hear Him speak.

I don't imagine God getting frustrated at how long it can take me to get the lessons. Instead, I think He must find me rather amusing. Maybe He's like me and appreciates a good challenge. I don't wish to, but I surely must challenge His patience. (Thank you God for being so patient)

I'm like a child in so many ways (and amuse myself with that analogy often). Children love stories. To help me through the pain and lead me to a place of understanding, God used two stories to better teach me the life lessons I was having such a hard time getting. Although entirely different in their nature, one fiction and one not, finally, I GET IT!

When one is confident and strong it intimidates others. Instead of tapping into the power of greatness they have within themselves, weaker and less confident souls will be meanspirited and try to intimidate and hurt the one(s) they are jealous of. The Wicked Witch did it with Dorothy. Saul did it with David. As God revealed this Truth, He restored my confidence and strength. It wasn't a quick lesson; I questioned God numerous times. Part of me wanting to make sure I was understanding Him and another not wanting to believe what He was saying. As God always is, He was Patient and Loving.

Upon her arrival in Oz, Dorothy was told the Witch would make Dorothy miserable and the sooner she got out the better. It took her a while to figure out how, but eventually she reclaimed the power she had had all along (but had forgotten) and she left. Once David learned Saul did not have a spirit of God, he chose not to follow and left Saul's command. Revenge wasn't necessary, no nasty exchange took place, it was simply a time for both to move on.

I'm in awe of how God continues to mold, teach, hold, and love me. I'm intrigued by how long it can take me to get the lesson and fascinated by the way God finally gets through. This week I was ecstatic to be given the opportunity to speak at a Women in Business Luncheon at The Grand. (the location of Jonnae's Celebration of Life) I was returning to this location for the first time since that amazing day and just knew that showing the 5 minute video of Jonnae's Celebration would be the perfect way to give the Spirit of Christmas. (What I long to do not just this time of year, but every day. The Spirit of Christmas is the Love of God and to turn people on to that is my purpose and calling). Only late Thursday evening I got a call that the committee had met one last time and only wanted me to talk about what I had been up to this year.

I was devestated with the disappointing news. I wanted to give the gift of that day and the powerful inspiration that would surely come from sharing it as captured on video. How would my talking about this year and what I had been up to be a gift to anyone. As I struggled with the disappointment and reminded myself that faith is not needing to understand the reason, but to accept it as God's plan, I heard that Divine inner voice remind me I was like David.

It was then that another miraculous revelation took place. On numerous occassions, because of her battle with the GIANT known as "Leuk" and her defying the odds, I had referred to Jonnae as David (She liked it and told me to call her Davey). I have also said that Jonnae and I had become one. As I realized that we have both been called David, I feel both her and God's embrace. There is more to David's story than that of David and Goliath. I would not have learned about it had it not been presented to me through God's Living Word and the lessons He taught me through it this year. Not only has the time come for me to be strong and move on, the time has also come for me to embrace the rest of the story, not only Jonnae's as a young "David against Goliath", but mine also, as it mirrors much of David's adult life. It's an incredible story of how the test turning into a testimony. It gives the weary sinner hope and the beaten down strength.

Blessed through the pain of 2009 and how God revealed I have a 'heart like His', I can't help but wonder what He has in store for me in 2010. I guess I GET TO wait and see. :0)

Front and center in His Classroom,
Denise

Get Plugged In!

The other day I was trying to upload a picture into my computer. Normally, as soon as I connect my camera to the computer an automatic upload begins. After two hours of turning my camera off and on, checking the menus in both pieces of equipment, and even reinstalling software, I decided something was obviously broken and went to unplug the camera. The cord appeared to be plugged into the camera, but it wasn't all the way. I decided to give an extra push. The "click" happened, the connection was made and the automatic upload began.

One of the many gifts I found, in the center of Jonnae's leukemia, was God's way of communicating to us through "ordinary" circumstances. I pick up on His guidance and offerings of peace, love, and understanding in ways that I never did before.

As I realized the cord appeared to be plugged in, but was not all the way, I heard that inner voice say, "Are you sure you're plugged in?" It is this type of experience that gives birth to an investigation - soul searching if you will. It often gives me clarity, discernment, guidance, and opportunity for new growth if I accept the invitation for it.

With the soul searching that stemmed from the question, "Are you sure you're plugged in?" I realized I've been close, but not all the way. I pray often through the day (I spend a large part of my day in silence conversing with God and try not to "talk" to much, but to listen) I've lacked that connection that's made through spending time IN His Living Word. I speed read through my daily online devotions, but it's been a while since I've sat down and plugged into Scripture. I know from past experience just how loudly God speaks and how much better my day is, when I'm "plugged all the way in".

A few years ago, I had gotten into the habit of following the Catholic calendar of Scripture that is used for daily Mass. I also have embraced, at times, different Bible studies. I've decided that's only one way I'm not plugged all the way in. There are other ways. You can't execute a plan if you've not created one. My daily planning has been less than stellar. My creating a daily plan is what makes my ordinary days extraordinary. I could push myself just a tad more for the "click" to happen and the connections be made.

I've invited my family to join me in a "Last 9 of '09 Taylor Finale". 2 of my kiddos have accepted and are "plugging in" with me. They join me in morning prayer and have taken time to sit down and set short and long term goals, also creating daily plans to make those goals obtainable.
The Gospel reading for today, according to the Catholic calendar is:

Luke 14: 15 - 24
15	When one of those who sat at table with him heard this, he said to him, "Blessed is he who shall eat bread in the kingdom of God!"
16	But he said to him, "A man once gave a great banquet, and invited many;
17	and at the time for the banquet he sent his servant to say to those who had been invited, `Come; for all is now ready.'
18	But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said to him, `I have bought a field, and I must go out and see it; I pray you, have me excused.'
19	And another said, `I have bought five yoke of oxen, and I go to examine them; I pray you, have me excused.'
20	And another said, `I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come.'
21	So the servant came and reported this to his master. Then the householder in anger said to his servant, `Go out quickly to the streets and lanes of the city, and bring in the poor and maimed and blind and lame.'
22	And the servant said, `Sir, what you commanded has been done, and still there is room.'
23	And the master said to the servant, `Go out to the highways and hedges, and compel people to come in, that my house may be filled.
24	For I tell you, none of those men who were invited shall taste my banquet.'"

---

I have heard the question, "are you sure you're plugged in"? and I've heard God invite me to His table. My soul craves to be nourished by His banquet and I long to keep Him company in His Home. I will not run away from Him, but to Him. I will not ignore His questions or His invitations, I will get plugged in and feel that miraculous connection!

In Gratitude Always, in ALL ways,
Denise

Hit by a "brick"

Sometimes we hear something more than once before we REALLY hear it. Scripture, songs, parables, and even "I GET TO" can be that way. Or maybe we just GET TO hear them with a different ear to be blessed with new perspective. This story is such an example, for I've heard it before, but something new struck me this time:

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?" The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister ... please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop."

With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother. He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts and sometimes, when we are busy and think we don't have time to listen, He may even throw a brick at us to get our attention.

I remember being in my car - literally ( I truly believe it was the day before Jonnae's initial leukemia diagnosis in Sept of '05). I was having a silent conversation with myself on the way home from a paint job ( I had my own decorative painting business), "I want to stop and smell the roses. I really need to slow down so that I can appreciate EVERYTHING there is to this experience called life." God can answer us in strange, but powerful ways. "He won't do what makes us happy, He'll do what makes us His." (another one of those sayings I don't know who to credit, but has been a powerful tool for me to build with). God knew I wouldn't slow down on my own, so He hit my fast paced car (life) with a "brick" the next day.

Leukemia was the brick for me. When Jonnae left me in physical body, undeniable damage was left in her place. My dent is the hole in my heart from her no longer being with me (physically) because of it.

My broken heart has made me His! Every day I start with crawling up into the lap of God and asking Him to hold me, strengthen me, breathe new life into me and use me. Somedays I choose to stay right there in silence in His embrace all day. I don't leave the house and I stay in His Lap. Somedays He's like I am when my "big kids" try to sit on my lap. I tell them I love them, but my leg is falling asleep and they need to get down and go have some fun. I get a giggle out of thinking my Heavenly Father is encouraging me to get down out of His Lap. I know He loves me unconditionally and He assures me He's not going anywhere. Sometimes He even asks me to go throw a brick for Him. lol.

I could have never on my own, planned or foreseen the beauty of a brick known as Jonnae's leukemia. The book I've just released, Heavenly Birth is a brick. With the components provided by God, I've put a lot of love and labor into preparing this brick. It is a vivid and powerful reminder of Who I belong to, what my purpose now is, and how that came to be. It's made of pain, faith, miracles, and LOVE. When God directs me to throw it, I do. (I'm not His only easily distracted child, lol.)

I just read a new quote this week by Mother Teresa, "I'm a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world." Heavenly Birth is a brick, but it's also a love letter from God. How it strikes us, may not immediately make us happy, but it reminds us we are His.

I only have the confidence and strength to throw this brick because I am HIS! and therefore, I am HAPPY!!!

In Gratitude Always, in ALL ways,
Denise

My Account of a Runner's High

It's no secret I don't like cardio, so all this endurance training for the 1/2 in Denver is a real test for my "I WILL NOT QUIT" muscle. The opportunity for my practice of offering up the "pain or sacrifice" of that which I don't WANT to do, up for someone else, has increased substancially. :)

The thing that gets me out the door, is I know I've got a pretty good chance of hearing God speak to me in a profound way that I'm not often "quiet" enough to hear otherwise. Sometimes I get a "call" from Him first thing out the door. Sometimes it's as I'm finishing up. Today the "conversation" began pretty early.

I listen to Jonnae's old playlist, a lot when I run. Something always "shuffles" in that I've not heard before and it's always profound with the message it brings.

I listen to songs with a "different kind of ear" Many times when I'm listening to a secular song, I see if the lyrics are words I could sing to God, or He would sing to me. .

This morning, there was a Hot Apple Pie song (country group) and I heard the words,

"Tell me why can't I get to you?

How can I make you feel everything that I do?
If faith can move mountains, and love will see you through,
Then tell me why can't I,
No matter how I try:
Why can't I get to you?"

I imagined God was talking to me. Ofcourse He can get to me, but I've got to be open to Him first. He gets to me in the most incredible ways when I have my eyes and ears turned up for Him. If I'm distracted and I'm not hearing Him, I imagine He would feel like shaking me and say, "GIRL! Why can't I get "through" to you?", lol. That gave me a little extra kick to my stride.

Then a Martina McBride song came on, (Jonnae loved her) Sometimes a whole song works as a conversation piece for me and God, sometimes it's a verse or two. She sang: (and I heard God saying)

You say yes you need me
And no you wouldn't leave me
And that should be enough to make me stay
And even though I want to
I don't hear I love you
In whatever you say

Oh I know you can hear me
But I'm not sure you're listening
I hear what you're sayin'

But there's somthing missin'

Whether I go, whether I stay
Right now depends on
Whatever you say

So ofcourse, I'm saying, "STAY! I'm listening! You're getting to me God, I promise. What is it? What are you saying?

I've had some pretty incredible experieces this year with animals and the way God speaks to me through them. (No I don't think I'm Dr. Doolittle)

Dolphins, Leopard print, and Geese, were animals that appeared to me during significant times with very powerful messages. Now the yellow finch can be added to the list. I get so excited and anxious to share these things. Some embrace their Divine significance, some are too skeptical. I understand either stance. I haven't always been open enough to embrace that God will speak whenever and however He wants to. I just give thanks that I've evolved into a being that does now. I would hate to miss out on such a cool "visit" from God.

As I've been running the past couple of weeks, it's as if these birds are trying to run with me or into me. I've never seen one on a run before. Now they are flying for exaggerating lengths of time infront of me, crossing my path, or the last time, nearly flying into me. Each time, I've thought, I should look up what a yellow finch symbolizes when I get back. Then I would forget until it happened again. When the last little guy looked like he was going to fly right into me, I laughed and think I even said outloud, "Okay, okay".

So I came in and looked up the symbolism of the yellow finch this morning. Yep! I HEARD HIM! God's GOT ME! :) They represent God's eternal love and TRUST! How cool! Something else interesting, they symbolize heightened awareness and they are NEVER quiet. lol. They believe in the power of voice. WOWSER!!! Gotta love God's "small play". Well, some would chalk it up as "small". To me, it's quite AWESOME and HUGE!!!

My husband, Johnny, doesn't normally get into such things. (He loves nature though. It's opening weekend for the deer bowseason in KY, and he's away experiencing one of his passions) I text him about my exciting experience and he said, "Well, what does a hummingbird represent? I've been visited by one two days in a row."

I looked it up and could hardly wait to text the info back to him. The hummingbird has powerful spiritual significance and is a symbol of resurrection. The part of the soul that seemed to die, frozen in post traumatic stress, wakes up. (Johnny has really been struggling with Jonnae's passing and the fact that we cremated her, but she was adamant in letting me know that's what she wanted) Hummingbird is the creature that opens the heart. When the hurt that caused us to close our hearts gets a chance to heal, our hearts are free to open again.

Hummingbirds teach fierce independence. They fight in a way that no one gets hurt. Having the courage to refrain from creating new trauma by communicating non-violently. (I'm never quiet. I fight with loudness of voice, because like the finch, I believe in it's power. He's the one that will walk out of the room to not create "new trauma" and be non violent. Pretty interesting)

Like the hummingbird, our souls want to hover at beautiful moments in our lives, to fly back and savor the past. (Johnny's had a hard time embracing that we move forward. Everything to him is about what's in the past. He has a picture of a stairway hanging over his sink in the bathroom. It says, "I wish I could build a stairway to Heaven. I would come get you and bring you home". I told him she wouldn't come back and neither would he if he knew what she knows) Maybe the healing is finally at a point where his soul will resurrect and he can move forward with me and the children.

(No joke, just now, as I'm typing this blog, he text me and said the hummingbird just came back to him again. God is so COOL!!!)

With this kind of runner's high, I'll keep running even after the marathon is over. However, I will expect God to speak to me within a 3-5 mile run, lol.

In Gratitude Always, in ALL ways,

Denise

A Special Birthday Wish

She would have been 17 today.

To celebrate a life that continues to encourage, inspire, and give us strength, share the power of "I GET TO" with some one new, as a way to celebrate her with me today.

For those of you not familiar with this practice, don't say "I HAVE to", say "I GET TO". Gratitude is the key to overcoming adversity. You can use it in all circumstances. She didn't say, "I HAVE To have chemo". Instead, she said, " I GET TO to have chemo!", realizing children don't always have the hope of a cure. Realizing not everyone has access to medical care. Instead of saying, "I HAVE TO bury a child today." I said, "I GET TO release her into the hand of Our Loving Father". I can't describe the shift that occurs when you find gratitude in the most difficult of circumstances.

If you haven't seen Jonnae's tribute video that TTV produced for the Celebration of Life event we had for Jonnae before her "Heavenly Birth" watch it at Tribute. She talks about "I GET TO" on it.

If you have an "I GET TO" share, post it here. Let's CELEBRATE Jonnae in a special way today!

God's 3 Answers:

"Yes"

"Not Yet"

"I have something better in mind!"

I read this on a plaque this week and truly, I know it will change my life. As a person who's been impacted far too negatively by the word "No!" and the feelings of rejection that came from it, I will no longer allow it to have power over me. What was once perceived as a human "no" will now be interpreted as God's "Not Yet!" or "I have something better in mind". God knows best! I know all too well, fighting against His plan, because I'm too stuck on my own, only leads to frustration, sorrow, and exhaustion.

Nearly a year ago I heard "not yet" when I was dreaming out loud. I was frustrated by humans rejecting my dream of giving birth to a book and aggravated that God was asking me to wait. As it turns out, He had something better in mind. Now, the realization of that dream is upon me. After a long gestation period and intense labor, the baby's head is finally crowning.

When Jonnae relapsed in Sept '07, I began blogging daily for two reasons, I needed to update everyone on her condition and I needed to share what I was feeling. Things I would probably not have shared in person, were purged through my written word. It was very powerful, therapeutic, and enlightening.

I constantly heard God speaking in me and through me. As a result, the readers and I were blessed abundantly.

As I stumbled and fell through my first year without Jonnae, the words and thoughts contained in the journal, pulled me back up and gave me solid footing again. Even though I had heard the words before and HAD LIVED THEM, I needed reminded of the powerful moments and lessons they contained.

I've never wanted so badly to share something, as I do the love, joy, and peace I've found through the gift of those nine months. I was blessed as I lived them, as I recall them, and as I use them to enhance my life now. Intense pain and sorrow are contained within that time period, but the lessons that came from them are beyond invaluable.

It is my prayer, that by publishing the journal, those who weren't blessed to walk the journey with us as we prepared to let Jonnae go, will be still. I reread the journal for the first time in April and have again three times since. Each time, I'm blessed more than I anticipate, even though I know what's coming.

God is so amazing. He is my source for everything. When I allow Him to be all He is in me, I find strength, as well as rest. He gives me comfort, wisdom, love, and light. I'm in awe of where I am, considering what it took to get here. But that is GOD. With Him ANYTHING is possible!


When things seem difficult please be empowered with Jim Stovall's words in The Ultimate Gift, "Anything worth going through gets tougher before it gets easier. Learning is a gift, even when Pain is the teacher."


People from all over the world have encouraged and supported me this first year without Jonnae’s physical presence. Their and your prayers and emails have blessed me beyond measure. I couldn't possibly repay you, but I’m more than thrilled to offer something back as I share this journey with each of you. It is my prayer that you will be filled with a sense of wonder and grace as your eyes fall upon yet another one of God’s precious miracles, Heavenly Birth.

order info here

....but I don't want to!

Today was another wild and Wacky Wednesday. I do believe this dream is coming closer to being a reality.

A couple of months ago, I was getting on the elevator to head up to the 7th floor of the children's hospital (the one we stayed on through Jonnae's treatment) to get my wacky wagon and get the wild party started. A nurse asked me what I was doing. I let her know that I was there to replace the sickness with silliness and provide the best kind of medicine there is....laughter. The only side effect is a smile :)

She loved the wacky outfit I had on and the whole concept. She begged me to come to the 8th floor, which is post op recovery, and visit "her kids". She said her staff would love it too. I was more than ready to oblige, because up until this point, I had pretty much been throwing out invitations to everyone and no one wanted to join in.

For the last couple of Wacky Wednesday's the nurses on the 8th floor have been participating, wearing wiggly antenna headbands, silly hats, wigs and glasses. Today the anesthesiologist was even going around bonking people on the head with a wacky hammer that had sound effects.

The post op staff had told the pre op floor about Wacky Wednesday and they wanted us to come visit them too. The staff on that floor had not seen us before, but were eager to take things of the cart for themselves to get their kids to join in and it ended up being the best Wacky Wednesday to date. (funny thing, the volunteer leading us around had just asked who stocked the cart and how often I placed orders. I told her up until this point, I was stocking the cart with proceeds from I GET TO bracelets and ordered once a quarter. If participation continues like today, monthly orders will be necessary and I will GET TO find a corporate sponsor or establish a fundraising committee for assistance. Definitely a sign of growth and progress :)

These hospital visits are not a walk in the park for me. They are a walk down memory lane. I don't imagine many parents who've lost a child would choose to revisit the place that holds the most painful memories imaginable in one's life. There's always a lump that forms in my throat and a heavniness that lands on my heart when I'm outside, and in, the room we told Jonnae the fight against leukemia was not going to end as we'd prayed for. Most would want to forget those the void that will never be filled and things that created such sorrow....but I don't want to!

If I forget those courageous sweet sick children:

I will forget to be grateful for every healthy thing that exists in my body.I will forget to give thanks for the ability to walk and will complain about my aching back and knees. I will forget to be grateful that I have freedom and enough energy to move about and will complain about a full schedule or being tired.

If I forget those parents who feel so helpless and cut off from the world:

I will forget to be grateful for active, healthy children and will complain about running all over town for their needs. I will forget to be thankful they are teenagers and complain about how much stress they create.

I will forget to give thanks for a job and an income and complain I have too many bills to pay.

I will forget to give thanks for a good night's sleep and complain about needing to get up early.

I posted a quote in the central forum yesterday.

"Any process worth going through is going to get tougher before it gets easier. Learning is a gift, even when pain is the teacher."

There's a story behind how we found the movie, The Ultimate Gift. I'm not going to elaborate on it now, but that movie is where I heard this powerful statement.

I've learned alot from Jonnae, leukemia, and pain. If I forgot the pain, I would forget what I've learned. I would forget how to accept broken dreams and move on to something better. I would forget to not "sweat the small stuff" I would forget how to live with an attitude of gratitude or how to forgive everything and everyone. I would forget how pride, my own and that of others, contaminates a spirit-filled life.

I've been able to leave the world's way of seeing life through a cheap view finder, and have found the gift of life, in ALL things, as I see it on God's Hi Def big screen.

Abandoning the Wacky Wednesday dream and moving on to something easier would allow me to forget a lot.....but I don't want to!