If You Want to You Will!

It's been a year since the backslide of my physical shape began. Seriously??? I thought I'd never be here again. Recently I've become aware of several cycles that do not lend themselves to my living in peace or joy. Yet I managed to fall back into them.

Not choosing to nourish my body with the best food for it, is one bad habit I fell back into. I've been aware of this cycle for some time. A more debilitating habit that I've not been conscious of, is the limiting belief that I need to prove my value to others. This is spiritual junk food I refuse to put on my plate, now that I realize I've been binging on it with a side of "Will I ever be good enough?" This is the cycle that is my achilles heel.

In my quest to make my passion, my life's work, I managed to pick the weight back up that I thought I'd left forever. The consequence of ingesting physical and spiritual junk food. No more! As the song says, "Change is a comin'!"

In a recent publication of Success Magazine, Magic Johnson shared one of his tips for success, "I learned to work with my strengths and manage my weaknesses." It's not that difficult a concept to embrace. Not for me anyway. I acquired a multitude of insights through Jonnae's battle with Leuk. It's gratitude for all of those gifts that keep me from being consumed with sorrow. One of the most valuable of those gifts being I am more than good enough as I am. Trust me, that's not my ego talking. That's simply a light God chose to shine on me in a time of darkness; could very well be the only way I was going to absorb that truth. Crazy as it sounds, confined to the walls of my teenage daughter's hospital room, I'd never felt more free. The people pleasing chains fell and the weight of not being good enough was shed.

I live life much lighter when I'm allowing my strengths to fuel my ride; being myself naturally. Not when I'm pushing a cart of my weaknesses uphill in a heavy vehicle that's not me.

No longer am I resorting to quick food that's not healthy. My healthy habits have been taken off the shelf and reactivated. It's only been one week and I'm feeling the benefits of clean eating. I'm not expecting overnight instant gratification. I've been down this road before and know that long term results come with time.

The charge of a new vision board with words my husband spoke to me about a week ago (hence my enlightenment, "Thank you babe!") "If you WANT to YOU WILL... " keep me motivated; fueling my momentum in the right direction. I was recently complaining about something...yes I'm human and do fall into that tricky lil habit occassionally, lol...It was likely a statement about not fitting into my clothes or not finding a literary agent or publisher. My husband's response..."Do something about it then!" I squealed my reply, "I'm trying!" He shocked me into a powerful truth when he said, "No you're not. I know you. If you want to you will and nothing will stand in your way."

No longer am I willing to make poor choices while living unconscious. No longer will I exhaust myself while subconsciously trying to transform a weakness into a strength. I've reawakened and will go with the strengths God chose to give me. That's when I live my happiest life - the life I'm intended to live - when I stop fighting the weakness, go with the strength, and appreciate who God's created in me.

My visionboard says, "If you WANT to YOU WILL...."
Live the dream,
SOAR
Whatever your 100% looks like, give it NOW,
Stop at NOTHING,
Trust your instincts,
Play BIG,
Give thanks!
Keep the creativity alive,
Become one of America's Best Selling Authors
Live Happily ever NOW
Create the body you REALLY want
Play longer,
Plan FUN
FOCUS
Getaway
and include pics that represent dreams (Ellen getting Wacky on Wednesdays :D

What's your dream? Fill in the blank, "If you WANT to YOU WILL..."
and JUST DO IT!!!

Of this I AM SURE!

Once again... I thought I knew something for sure and I was wrong. I used to choke down the humble pie when I was served a good size piece of it. Now, even though I'd rather enjoy something different, I savor it. I just read tonight, "Knowledge is power. Enthusiasm is the switch that turns it on." I am not enthusiastic when I'm wrong, but I am enthusiastic about the growth that comes from the lesson in it.

I would never change the way I'm able to see, hear, love, or live as a result of what Jonnae and her life taught me. I only wish I could find a way to share the gifts without others going through the pain to acquire it. I believe it's possible. I GET TO keep seeking knowledge and activating the enthusiasm until I figure it out.

It's going to take planning, focus, and discipline. Something I had through what had been the most difficult, painful trial ever...until she was gone. Having made it through life's obstacle course and Jonnae's leukemia battle with a plan, focus, and discipline so strongly in tact, I was sure I'd choose to activate them always. That's where I was wrong. I let go/lost them for a time.

In the course of the last two years I've talked about my new found motivation and commitment to plan and focus with vigor, only to have them dissolve again. I've been able to hold on to them no better than I could a handful of sand. So I'm not going to announce "I'm back." Rather, I'm going to announce I've not given up. I'm still at it. And in the process, I'm still learning. That will always be the case and that's quite okay.

The good news...I can sense a new supply of motivation increasing. What worked to motivate me before won't work anymore. Surprisingly... that's more good news. Now, to follow the motivation up with action...

I used to be so motivated by competition. I was extremely EXTREMELY competitive and it was easy to follow that with action. What I've been blessed to realize is... my deep desire to win stemmed from a desperate need to be appreciated, validated, and loved. I felt overlooked, invisible, and as a result felt the need to prove my worth. That's been forever changed.

I spent the better part of three years in a hospital room, or our home, cut off from the world. Due to her low immunity, there was a huge chunk of time that Jonnae could not have visitors. For a time, even for me to leave the hospital or house to visit others was too high risk. The experience was life changing in so many ways, but the one I'm focusing on (good practice for me here, lol) is I'm no longer desperately seeking validation, appreciation, or love. Those things are nice when provided from others, but I found an endless supply, available whenever I want to tap into it, within me. It's not an ego thing, it's a God thing. When you are all alone with yourself, to face fear, heartbreak, disappointment, and exhaustion on every account, you find a way to nurture, love, appreciate, and understand yourself on a level impossible to experience any other way. Only I know what I've endured. I've proven myself to the one on earth who's opinion mattered most. Me! And to God, well He doesn't need me to prove anything. Incredibly liberating. :)

Not a day goes by that I don't miss Jonnae's physical presence. What I shared with her was unimaginable, indescribable, and irreplaceable. Emotional waves catch me off guard often. However, I've become a master dancer in the rain. Even the storms are beautiful through my eyes. In a wild, amazing, quite miraculous way, I enjoy life on every level in a way I wouldn't have without the experience being just as it's been.

There is much awaiting me, in this life and the next! Of these things I AM SURE! The lessons will continue. I will never give up! and the best is yet to come!

By the grace of God...Better every day in every way!
Denise

Awareness Acquired at the Airport

I'm sitting at the Birmingham airport, during my 3 hour layover, on my way to the EWN International Conference in Dallas. Airports are the "Gold's gym" for the gratitude muscle workout. It's guaranteed I'm going to witness angry, impatient, or overwhelmed passengers in need of the We GET To message. Today was no exception.

I was at the computer station near the customer service desk when a mother in tears, who had been asked to deboard a plane with her two small children, was accompanied by the stewardess to a computer to see when her next flight option was. I'm not sure what happened, but I overheard the young mother calling the flight attendant, from the plane, a bitch. I knew this frustrated mother was the perfect candidate for an I GET TO bracelet but I'm never completely confident that what I have to offer will be embraced. As is the case when presented with this type scenario, I GET TO risk the rejection, buck up, and deliver the message.

She turned as she felt my approach, began to cry more, and allowed me to give her a hug before I spoke. She said, "I'm just overwhelmed." I shook my head and let her know I understood. Then I shared with her that there was a time when I would have been overwhelmed by the 'test' also. I too was once a young mother overwhelmed by the trials and energy required in being the caretaker of precious, precocious, small miraculous beings. However, I hoped by offering her the awareness I now have, of mothers being overwhelmed with the news of a child's illness or passing today, that this wouldn't be considered such a bad place to be. Maybe she would no longer be overwhelmed given my share. I'm not sure it helped her as I'd hoped, but I GET TO let go and let God water the seed I planted for Him. A valuable lesson in surrender that I still GET TO practice.

I haven't been doing all that well at the surrender thing lately. I submitted a video for Oprah's search and even though I felt strongly whether or not the video was selected, it was still a winning experience, I quickly picked up the rope for another exhausting tug of war. Dreaming and releasing. Hoping and releasing. Discouraged and releasing. Disappointed and releasing. I wore myself plum out. Getting all worked up about outcomes isn't the way to peace. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe I still GET TO struggle with that when I let go and found peace through the most disappointing of all outcomes - a child not healed from leukemia. (I started to say a child lost to leukemia, but I don't see it as us having lost her as much as Heaven having gained her)

I'm now about to board the plane destined for Dallas, TX and experience a weekend get away. I wasn't sure if it was coming at the best time or worst time. I've compared myself this week to my pregnant, hormonal days- tired and emotional beyond explanation. However, I feel myself able to reclaim my power and am ready to inspire and be inspired. Letting God water the seeds that I've been created to plant.

By the grace of God; better and better, every day in every way,
Denise

What Are You Saying?

Over the course of the last 5 years I've come to realize how the words I speak affect my life; they can subconsciously drain me of power or if I choose to be aware if them, give me strength. I choose the latter. I've become aware of what I'm saying and it's made all the difference!

Words to eliminate and their replacements:

1) Get rid of "can't"

Can't means 'I don't want to,' plain and simple. I learned this most effectively from Julie Whitt; a young woman determined to qualify herself for a lung transplant by pushing herself through strength building exercises. As she used coin rolls for upper body workouts and remained hooked up to her oxygen tank for long walks and low intensity workouts, she showed us with her actions, "Where there's a will, there's a way." She could have easily said, "I can't. The mountain is too high; the obstacles too many." But in that sweet southern accent she would say, "Can't means don't want to."

2) Get rid of "wanna" (want to)

I was in Florida getting ready to do a triathlon for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. Jonnae was back home in the hospital going through aggressive chemo to condition for her bone marrow transplant. I called to report to what time I would be starting in the morning and said, "I wanna finish in 3 hours and 45 minutes." She said, "MOM?... You wanna or your gonna?" WOW! I think that was my "aha moment" for experiencing the power one word can give. As soon as I stood corrected and said, "I'm gonna finish in 3 hours and 45 minutes" I felt the surge of conviction and the gift of self empowerment. I knew without question I would indeed reach my goal. It was incredible. Like I had stepped into Superman's phone booth and exited with super human strength. :0)

3) Get rid of "have to"

I was watching a Joel Osteen service one Sunday and was intrigued when he suggested replacing "have to" with "get to." I remember coming home and telling Jonnae about it. We both agreed it made sense. Weeks later, she was getting sick in the bathroom from chemo and began to cry tears as she said, "I hate this." I answered with, "I believe we GET TO have chemo and should be grateful," I thought what the heck am I saying and why I am I saying it now? However, following this 'divine counsel' we found ourselves again experiencing a miraculous, super human transformation from the power of one word. Realizing we have a diagnosis and have a hope for a cure when others do not...We GET to have chemo. We have insurance, so many can't afford the care they need...We GET to have chemo. We have a children's hospital 15 minutes from our home, some drive hours to get to it, some in foreign countries don't have that option at all, we GET to have chemo. Even when we were preparing her funeral, as I kept hearing in my head, "I have to bury my daughter" I asked God to help me find a GET TO. Instantly I heard an voice within say, "You don't HAVE TO bury her body. You GET TO release her spirit into my loving care. And you GET TO, because you got to be her mother." Again...a miraculous shift from victim to victor occurred.

4) Get rid of "busy"

I recall having a conversation with my dear friend Rena Reese, founder of 'Soul Salon International' and stating how busy I had been. She shared with ne how she had chosen to eliminate that word. I think she may have even asked me what I thought that word implied. Upon reflection, I realized it sounded like I was making an excuse or complaining. Most of the time we're complaining or suggesting we are burdened by all the things we GET TO do when we use the word busy. I have replaced it with 'actively engaged in life' (but active would suffice.) If we are 'busy' it means we are healthy, able to think, act, react, and move. It means we are ALIVE. That's a great thing! I want to think about that as I convey to another that I GET TO do so many wonderful things as I succeed in accomplishing many tasks in a day or week's time.

5) Stop "spending"

If you say you are spending time, money, or energy what are you saying? The definition of spend is to expend, wear out, exhaust, or use up. Does that convey something positive? Wouldn't invest be a better word to use? If we ask ourselves....am I spending or investing, which would be more empowering? So I pose myself this question...."Do I feel like I'm spending or investing?" If I am simply exhausting myself through using up time, money, or energy maybe I need to reconsider my actions. If I feel like I'm investing, I feel much better about the choices I GET TO make. After all, life is about choices. We have much more power than we acknowledge. We can choose to make excuses and be the victim or we can choose to take ownership, empower, and be the victor. The consciousness that comes with the choice of one word makes all the difference.

Consciousness is what transforms the victim to victor. Being aware of the word's we speak and taking ownership of power we've subconsciously been giving away makes for an incredible shift. Here's to being victorious together!

With Gratitude Always,
Denise

Tough Love

This is the first time in three years that two months separate blog entries. Along with nearly every other good thing I had built into my routine, writing fell to the wayside. I don't know that I'll ever stop the inner dialogue that's constantly asking the analytical questions, (not sure I even wish to) but just in this brief time I've been writing this blog, I've experienced sought for clarity.

The unrest that I've been experiencing for the last year/year a half began when I stopped doing what was working best for me. What I had developed as the framework from which I built my BEST days, I have not been utilizing. No framework results in breaking down, not building up. However, in knowing everything holds within it something good, once the tearing down has stopped, the building back up can often produce something better. That's the thought I will embrace.

I hear often that I'm too hard on myself. I've never believed it and with this new found clarity I'm fairly certain I may never align myself with that way of thinking. As a matter of fact, I've decided I'm grateful that I am as good at tough love with myself as I am with everyone else. Because that's all that being hard on myself is...tough love.

In her weaker moments (there weren't many) Jonnae sometimes said with tears, "This is so hard!" My immediate response was, "It's hard but it's doable." I didn't let her succumb to fear of needles or unrest about being put to sleep. I got in her face and repeated what she needed to do until she did it. No doubt about it, I was really tough on her. It was tough love that led both her and I through the leukemia battle with relentless focus, determination, and strength. Why would I stop being hard on myself when it's that toughness that was a large part of the journey being what it was. Why would I not hold myself accountable now like I did then?

That being said, there's a fine balance of knowing when to let up and not letting up for too long. The consequence of error in not knowing when to let up, you end up not just falling, but your layed out on the ground. If the problem is a result of you letting up for too long, you lose the momentum you had going, you lose ground, and it takes much longer just to get back where you were. The reality is. I didn't know when to let up AND in being easier on myself I let up for a long time. Ruh roh! I experienced a double whammy. However, exhausting or not, in me there is no quitting. A gift born of all the adversity in my life that strengthened my resolve and character. I have a strong "I WILL NOT QUIT" muscle.

If you've been following my blog over the course of this year, you know I've been talking a good game, but the scoreboard doesn't quite reflect I've held the lead for more than a week. It's time for the tough love to be activated full gear. The only way I'll obtain the ever so important balance I crave and need, is to create a solid plan and stick to it, no excuses. I GET TO get to it!

With Gratitude Always,
Denise

Charged and Ready to ROLL

In my last blog “The Climb,” I referred to a time in my life when I worked with a personal trainer to obtain my best physical body. God is now my personal trainer- working in, on, and through me to build my best spiritual body. Once again, I’ve become aware of some incredible analogies.

When we train with weights, we are actually tearing the muscle down. The recovery that follows builds it into something stronger. Life throws us some pretty intense work outs. It tears us down, but in the end, can build us into someone stronger . Just as with a workout in the gym, the more we ‘show up‘ and apply ourselves with focus, intensity to push through the pain, and a continual reach toward becoming stronger, the more strength we create, the better our results, and the better our life experience.

There is a type of work out called “working the muscle to failure”. The idea here is to do a set of an exercise until you have nothing left. You reach a point of burnout where you “fail” even if you try to do a single rep.

Sometimes we are pushed to “failure” by our Heavenly Trainer. “When we are down to nothing, He is up to something.” It’s extremely important to focus, push through the pain, and trust we are being built into something stronger….better.

My trainer would sometimes set the weight on a machine or hand me a large dumbell, to which I would look at him like he was insane. He would help me with the initial push it took to get me going, I would amaze myself with the strength I had on my own and continue to push through until I hit “failure” All the while, my trainer would be there to “spot” me. His presence was assuring and I knew he wouldn’t let me injure myself. God does the same. He may start us down a path that we think is too difficult for us to navigate, but if we tap into the power we have within, we can amaze ourselves at how far we can go. We may even “fail” along the way, but Our Father is always there to “spot” us. Recovery may be longer than we’d like, but if we trust the process, the experience will result in us having a stronger body - could be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. The formula for the workout is all the same.

Mother Nature gifted us with a week of sunshine. Father God gifted me with a week of SONshine. The dulldrums my eyes experienced as they looked out the window of our home or my car through the winter, have been replaced with Spring’s colorful images and signs of new life. As my spiritual eyes gaze through the window of my soul, they are dancing as they witness the signs of new life, evident in so many ways.

A metaphor presented itself to me early in the week that gave me clarity about the dreary, frustrating season I was stuck in for so long. A car is stuck and can‘t go anywhere if the battery goes dead. It’s dangerous to allow the positive handle to touch a negative one when you try to get a jump start and you certainly won’t get the results you want, if you’re hooking your cables up to the wrong source of energy.

My battery went dead because it was hooked to a negative source. Even after I detached myself from it, I kept “crossing” paths with it.

Once the battery has been successfully charging, the engine will sound like it’s about to turn over. If too anxious to get the car running and to your destination, you can flood the engine by trying to give it gas too soon. I was doing the same. Even after I plugged into the right source, I was not giving my spiritual battery enough time to recharge before trying to drive on into the future. I did not sit idle with patience or be gentle in giving the gas. The false starts frustrated me to no end. Instead of letting off and giving the battery time to charge, I kept putting the pedal to the metal.

I can now see with great clarity how conscious I need to be of steering away from the wrong source and utilizing the right one. I can also see if I get the handles crossed, how important it is to allow the battery to recover.

It’s important to realize energy requires positive with negative. It’s simply a matter of paying attention to what is what and using it the right way. I thought it interesting that the cross is actually made up of the positive and negative symbols. The crucifixion itself was negative, but the result very positive. That's a new awareness that initiates a WOW from me!

Spring is here. With it’s new life it brings a fully charged spirit. With a fully charged battery, God‘s also given me a full tank of spiritual fuel. My engine is purring like a kitten. When God gives me the green light, no longer stuck, I’m ready to ROLL.

The Climb

What time in your life were words so profound that you needed to sit down just to allow yourself to absorb the power of them? Not because of the words themselves, but by what the underlying meaning of them was. I wouldn’t be able to answer that question easily myself, for I could write an entire book of incredible examples. I’m about to share with you one such experience.

Although I feel like I’m about to resurrect into a brighter season, one full of Light and Sonshine, days are still a bit more gray than I’d like. I’m blessed with periods of empowerment and signs of beautiful growth, but what I see when I look through my spiritual window isn’t as beautiful as what I know is on it’s way.

When Jonnae was diagnosed with leukemia in 2005, I had been working with a personal trainer to prepare for a figure competition (a feminine class of body building). When first hit with the news of her illness, I was ready to drop the goal of building my best body, but quickly I realized that would be quitting…..letting go. Something I didn’t want Jonnae to do, so I used what I concluded was an opportunity to lead her.

I woke up at whatever hour necessary to get my workouts in. If that meant rising at 4:30am and working out in the stairwell of the hospital so I didn’t miss the doctors when they came in for their morning round, that’s exactly what I did. At the time, it was the hardest thing I had ever done. For a mom who lost herself in food every time she was confronted with stress or overwhelmed by emotion, to choose a hard road instead of an easy one, was extremely difficult. I saw the extreme challenge and what seemed like an impossible goal, as THE best way to inspire my daughter to do the same. In extremely different ways, we were both fighting for our lives.

Life continually reveals there’s so much more to learn in the experiences we are having than the obvious. I didn’t just learn how much better my body feels when it’s nourished the right way and active rather than dormant. I learned what victory feels like when it‘s taken literally everything within me to obtain it. I learned EVERY stumbling block can be transformed into a stepping stone if we choose to use it as such.

This morning, I was thinking about a conversation my husband Johnny and I had yesterday. With tears I told him how exhausted I am from climbing mountains. It seems everything requires me to dig deep and ‘climb‘. Where I used to climb with such strength, grace, and even speed, I find now I slip and maybe even lose ground rather than gain it. Things that were easy and once second nature, I struggle with anymore.

I sat down to write about it this morning and had a flash back to when my time was through with my personal trainer; not a very spiritual guy and certainly not one I would predict would be prophetic with his words. But I just recalled what he said to me and have absorbed the power of those words he spoke. He said, “So what’s next for you? You’ve done just about every sport there is.”

I answered him with an “I don‘t know. I definitely need to find something new to challenge me.”

To which he responded, “You have a really strong back. I was watching this rock climber the other day. It was incredible. She was climbing up the side of this huge mountain and I thought, ‘I could totally see Denise doing that. You would be great at it.”

So here I am five years later, hanging on to the ledge of a mountain I never thought I‘d be climbing. Exhausted, but working new muscles and trying to strengthen the ones I have. I haven’t climbed this last stretch with the strength and confidence I know is within me, but those will return. The top of the mountain isn’t within sight, but the view is changing…..and with it I know my strength will return also. I can see the climb becoming more enjoyable. Not necessarily easy, but one I’m up for. I have a strong back, as well as strong legs. God has blessed me with what I need to be a rock climber. My trainer saw it in me, God knows it’s in me, and I’m realizing more and more that I can and will continue to climb. Some day I’ll reach the peak and the celebration and reward will be better than anything I could fathom.

Better every day in every way,
Denise