Friday, January 15, 2010
The complexity of life continues to fascinate me. In times of impatience, frustration, and even great sorrow, I still find myself relentless in digging as deep as necessary to find the treasure that will eventually be revealed in the center of it.
I've known for some time now that I have an Attention Deficit. ( I don't call it A.D.D because I don't believe it's a "disorder") Heightened levels of awareness and belief that all challenges bear gifts, not only do I refuse to say something is "wrong with me" or I have a "disorder", for God wired me this way, I no longer try to ignore it; I work with it.
I haven't always been this way. In the past, when it was suggested that a couple of my children may be struggling in school because they showed signs of A.D.D, I wouldn't hear of it because then I did believe it meant something was wrong. I was defiant in my reaction and tucked the nonsense in a box, shoving it into the back of a closet; as if it would not ever need to be looked at again.
Weaknesses present challenges, but at the same time, in learning to deal with, or use them, we strengthen other areas. That's a good thing! I have difficulty remaining focused on any one thing for a given length of time. So what? I'm quite diverse in my talents because I've tried many things to keep me from being bored.Thanks A.D :)
I'm also Seasonally Affected (again I'm dropping the D for disorder) With the lack of color, sunlight, warmth, and signs of life that my mood is enhanced with during the other seasons, I find myself out of sorts through the winter months. November, December, and January are particularly tough months for me anyway. Add the fact that Jonnae's bone marrow conditioning and transplant took place during that time and those memories are heightened through the holidays, it's even tougher. HOWEVER, the "winter dig" has once again produced some beautiful treasure.
After weeks of struggling with discontent and want for something more; after nearly making a decision to take on a role that would have distracted me (attention deficit) from what I've been created to do, today I'm at peace. God's been at it again. Many divine connections have been made over the past couple of days and I can see the Light reflecting off of the treasure that's being uncovered. I feel as if God is running His fingers through my hair, whispering sweet words of encouragement into my ear and giving me gentle kisses on my forehead. It's BLISS!
I remember Jonnae having experienced this bliss (it's documented in detail in "Heavenly Birth") She had experienced God's presence in a miraculous way and asked me, "Why haven't I felt this before? Why can't I feel it more often?" I ask myself the same thing at times. Certainly when I was struggling the way I was. When you've had a taste of God's spiritual drink, you crave it more and more. I believe the key is to wait and trust that when He's ready He'll give us another sip.
Maybe the cup sits there and we don't realize we aren't picking it up. I bought a bookmark once that read, "If God is your co-pilot, you need to change seats". I would elaborate on that and say, "It's best to lighten your grip on the steering wheel all together, let go and just enjoy the ride." I'll never stop seeing myself as a child. It doesn't matter what age I am. My actions would still reflect that I'm nothing more than God's "lil one". I'm not sure if I was fighting God for the steering wheel, trying to control the speed of the car, or that I was in the back seat wailing, "Are we there yet? When are we going to there?" Either way, His patience is insurmountable and right now the view out the window is SPECTACULAR. My tantrum wasn't working. Just like a child, I wore myself out with the cries. Exhausted, it was if my spirit had fallen asleep. I've awoken to renewal, serenity, and grandeur. I trust the Driver. Am confident I'll reach my destination and once again am smiling with contentment from the back seat of His Car. Thank you Father!