Once again... I thought I knew something for sure and I was wrong. I used to choke down the humble pie when I was served a good size piece of it. Now, even though I'd rather enjoy something different, I savor it. I just read tonight, "Knowledge is power. Enthusiasm is the switch that turns it on." I am not enthusiastic when I'm wrong, but I am enthusiastic about the growth that comes from the lesson in it.
I would never change the way I'm able to see, hear, love, or live as a result of what Jonnae and her life taught me. I only wish I could find a way to share the gifts without others going through the pain to acquire it. I believe it's possible. I GET TO keep seeking knowledge and activating the enthusiasm until I figure it out.
It's going to take planning, focus, and discipline. Something I had through what had been the most difficult, painful trial ever...until she was gone. Having made it through life's obstacle course and Jonnae's leukemia battle with a plan, focus, and discipline so strongly in tact, I was sure I'd choose to activate them always. That's where I was wrong. I let go/lost them for a time.
In the course of the last two years I've talked about my new found motivation and commitment to plan and focus with vigor, only to have them dissolve again. I've been able to hold on to them no better than I could a handful of sand. So I'm not going to announce "I'm back." Rather, I'm going to announce I've not given up. I'm still at it. And in the process, I'm still learning. That will always be the case and that's quite okay.
The good news...I can sense a new supply of motivation increasing. What worked to motivate me before won't work anymore. Surprisingly... that's more good news. Now, to follow the motivation up with action...
I used to be so motivated by competition. I was extremely EXTREMELY competitive and it was easy to follow that with action. What I've been blessed to realize is... my deep desire to win stemmed from a desperate need to be appreciated, validated, and loved. I felt overlooked, invisible, and as a result felt the need to prove my worth. That's been forever changed.
I spent the better part of three years in a hospital room, or our home, cut off from the world. Due to her low immunity, there was a huge chunk of time that Jonnae could not have visitors. For a time, even for me to leave the hospital or house to visit others was too high risk. The experience was life changing in so many ways, but the one I'm focusing on (good practice for me here, lol) is I'm no longer desperately seeking validation, appreciation, or love. Those things are nice when provided from others, but I found an endless supply, available whenever I want to tap into it, within me. It's not an ego thing, it's a God thing. When you are all alone with yourself, to face fear, heartbreak, disappointment, and exhaustion on every account, you find a way to nurture, love, appreciate, and understand yourself on a level impossible to experience any other way. Only I know what I've endured. I've proven myself to the one on earth who's opinion mattered most. Me! And to God, well He doesn't need me to prove anything. Incredibly liberating. :)
Not a day goes by that I don't miss Jonnae's physical presence. What I shared with her was unimaginable, indescribable, and irreplaceable. Emotional waves catch me off guard often. However, I've become a master dancer in the rain. Even the storms are beautiful through my eyes. In a wild, amazing, quite miraculous way, I enjoy life on every level in a way I wouldn't have without the experience being just as it's been.
There is much awaiting me, in this life and the next! Of these things I AM SURE! The lessons will continue. I will never give up! and the best is yet to come!
By the grace of God...Better every day in every way!