Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Christmas Presence






During the Christmas season of 2007 a very special teen’s bone marrow transplant took place. A few months later, her doctor called to report the transplant was unsuccessful. Today, I get to report the healing intended to take place with the bone marrow transplant didn’t happen, but another healing did. The bone marrow transplant didn’t prove to be successful, but what were was the eye, ear, brain and heart transplants that ensued because of it. I’m not talking about a donation of Jonnae’s organs. The chemo and radiation she’d undergone to beat “Leuk” made it impossible for to offer organs. I’m talking about transplants that happened within me. Because of my daughter’s 3 year battle with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, I have new eyes through which I see; new ears through which I hear; a new way of thinking with a ‘transplanted’ mind and a new heart through which I love. All combine to create an enhanced life experience beyond human understanding. I’m forever grateful for the gifts I continue to experience, courtesy of a life so beautifully lived by a daughter so beautifully healed.


Once her leukemia diagnosis came, Jonnae’s body never really healed, but her spirit sure did. Our spirits are way more valuable than our bodies. The body has an end, the spirit lives on. (Some may feel the need to argue this point. If this is you, please finish reading first!)  

Most only know of the valiant spirit Jonnae had during her battle with Leuk. Few know of the victim she was in the 6th grade when leukemia first took up residence in her broken body. I haven’t given voice to the bullying that was happening to her in that transitional year from 5th grade to middle school. Girls can be so caddy. We all know this! For years, I did not want to feed the guilt and shame I knew must be eating at the girls responsible for the nastiness that sent my daughter home from school crying every day. At the time, it didn’t matter if the world knew about it, the girls did. I believe Jonnae’s broken spirit is what led to the ‘broken body’ where Leuk chose to reside. (This could be a topic of an entirely different blog but because this is MY belief, I refused to break down the spirit of the girls and contribute to their suffering. There will be a time and place to share those stories and shine a different light on bullying later.)

The reason I am writing this particular blog is to celebrate the gifts I’ve received in the continuing classroom of life this year (6 years after that Christmas of life changing transplants). I do not want a single Christmas season to pass, where I don’t sit still long enough to reflect on the life I get to live, and lessons learned. Because of the stillness and sometimes surprising sweetness of that Christmas hospital stay where Jonnae and I were cut off from the world, both of our spirits were healed. As a matter of fact, I try to explain my craving (of course not wanting it delivered or wrapped in the same way) for a Christmas season of separateness from a world that mostly does not see, hear, think or love from the same place I do, particularly this time of year.

This is not an egotistical perspective. I’m not out to prove myself right or convert others to my beliefs. (Because it’s so common when one shares from the heart publicly, and I just experienced this very thing earlier in the week with a Facebook post, please do not interpret this blog as an invitation where you are welcome to come in and attempt to do that with me.) Humility is a gift I’m most grateful to get to experience. I still have much to learn and improve on and not only am I fully aware of that, I’m eager to get on with it. My transplanted eyes, ears, mind and heart did not come from a human being or teacher, they came from the Ultimate Creator and I choose to let the refinement of me continue the same way. No substitute teacher need try to edge God out and teach me their beliefs their way. As I mentioned in the piece I wrote earlier this week, whether the test here or the grade ‘there’, I’m not afraid of failure or making the Teacher’s grade. The One to whom I’m most accountable, loves and understands me and will judge me accordingly. My Teacher is loving, compassionate, forgiving and patient and knows my heart the way no human being can. I’m at peace with that! It may be challenged, but it wins and remains.

So draining, detrimental and depressing to witness the desperate need of so many to prove they are right and have a need to defend themselves in their stance. Pre-leukemia I was of that camp. Judging, righteous and fueled with the belief I was right and had to convert people to the ‘enlightened’ side. If you choose to be there, I’m not judging you for it. It’s your life! We each GET to choose where we camp out to experience it. We each get to move freely when we want to camp somewhere different. My choice is to share life, love and compassion with ALL, regardless who they are with and where they camp.  I choose not to fight about how we are different, but rather to focus on how we are the same. We are here at the same time, sharing the same life and sharing the same struggles and suffering. Even if they come from the different places, they are the same in how we feel them. What I choose as my role while here (actually I believe I’ve been called to it) is to increase healing and happiness in the same surprising way I’ve experienced it. Instead of remaining on the side of struggle and suffering caused from focus on whose with who, I chose to focus on Who I’m with. I left who I was following and learning from, and choose the One calling me to follow and listen.

God has held me over in the classrooms of Perspective, Peace, Love, Compassion and Forgiveness. I’m glad I no longer am in the classroom of Fighting to be Right, Fighting to Convert and Fighting to Hold Others Accountable (especially when its enough to deal with my own accountability and remember Who I’m accountable to.) In listening, I’m being told not to Fight to be Right (if you are, go for it, just don’t use your energy to pick a fight with me. I no longer participate in expending my energy that way.) I used to hear the bell ring and you better believe I went to swinging. I’m no longer interested in stepping in the ring to fuel the fight and struggle.

I’m being called to humility. We don’t know what we don’t know. (and even what we think we KNOW, we most certainly can be wrong) I’m okay with asking questions and either having multiple answers or no answer.  Every day, I seek to learn where I have more to learn. And as a review of 2013 will reveal, even when I’m not seeking it, Life will give me a lesson. The teaching has not come from the world, but from the One who created the world and who sat with me when I was cut off from the world during Christmas of 2007. In the midst of unimaginable struggle and suffering, I was given the gift of a miraculous peace.

God has never left me! When I struggle now, my peace immediately returns when my Accountability Partner, Judge, Teacher, and One who loves me above ALL whispers in the stillness to me… “You are enough. You are appreciated. You are supported, and  you are valued as a ‘player on My team!’ I’ll continue to learn and will continue to contribute to healing and happiness as lessons are presented to me to use in my active examples of using them. Don’t think for one second I’m not through out the day, every day, checking in to reconfirm over and over all of the above!  That I love; that I’m compassionate; that I’m forgiving; that I’m not judging; that I’m increasing healing and happiness and that I’m open to growth and being more of each, every day in every way.

So, with the heart and mind of an eager child, on this eve of my 46th birthday and Christmas, I’ll go to bed with visions dancing in my head and a hard time going to sleep, wondering if a miracle awaits me on Christmas. My dreams are wildly imaginative,  if one doesn’t come true tomorrow, the resounding reminder to BELIEVE has definitely taken root more these last few months than ever….and so I do!!!!




Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Almanac of My Soul


A couple of days ago, one might have expected an emotional storm would be passing through. When I awoke on Sept 2, realizing it would have been Jonnae’s 21st birthday, my prediction reported only 20% chance precipitation might grace my face and if it did, a little tear fall wouldn’t be enough to spoil the gift of the day or anything contained within it.

It just struck me this morning how my life is it’s own Almanac. There are annual dates and events that are easily foreseen and come with predictions. I even have a book for reference if I want to consult it for tips. The annual dates are forever marked and result in an eclipse of sorts. (When these type metaphors arise, I embrace and use them, the best I can, to communicate a perspective being offered me.)

An eclipse is defined as a:the total or partial obscuring of one celestial body by another or b: the passing into the shadow of a celestial body.  c: falling into obscurity or decline. An eclipse is a beautiful way to define what’s happening with me on these dates. As the present moves through the shadow of the past there’s a temporary obscurity that happens with my spirit.

Today is another one of those recorded annual dates that comes with a prediction. Although tear fall isn’t expected, cloudiness is.

On Sept 4, 2007, just 2 days after Jonnae’s 15th birthday, we went in for her first routine follow up post chemo. She was one month out from having received her last chemo. I picked her up from school (she was only one week in to her freshman year) and we headed to the doctor’s office. The medical staff all came in to congratulate her. Blood was drawn. And off we went back to school, discussing in the car the huge survivor party that was going to be taking place that weekend. She had been planning it for 2 years and the time for it had come now that her 2 ½ year protocol of chemo and radiation was behind us.

The day continued with normalcy. That evening I had a scheduled bike ride as part of my training for a Leukemia Lymphoma Triathlon that was now only a couple of weeks a way. Something I had signed up to do, to commemorate Jonnae crossing her cancer finish line in victory. Once the bike ride was over, I checked my phone and had 10 missed calls. Jonnae and the doctor had tried several times to call me, neither leaving a message. I called Jonnae first and she said she was starting to freak out. The doctor had called the house also and simply told her to have me call him.

The follow up ended up not being routine at all. The doctor let me know how sorry he was before he let me know Jonnae’s blood already had leukemia cells again. He asked me about her siblings for bone marrow possibilities and let me know they’d be doing a bone marrow aspiration in the morning to confirm ‘leuk’ was back.

For all the good memories there are to associate with Jonnae’s birthday on Sept 2, and even with the gratitude I have for what all her battle with “leuk’ taught me and the gift it continues to be for all I get to share it with, the darkness of that day is forever etched on Sept 4. Doesn’t mean I won’t experience the beauty of the Son shining today. Doesn’t’ mean I won’t create new memories and stay focused on the present. Just mean’s the Almanac of my Soul reports there will be intermittent cloudiness for the next several weeks, as those memories and dates are pretty consistent this time of year.

All that being said, there’s nothing stopping me, or YOU, from looking for and counting  the blessings that are new, that await us in the gift of TODAY. So along with my ‘spirit report’ that’s what I’m advising. Focus on what you GET to experience today. Regardless of how it’s wrapped; regardless of it being what you asked for or not; simply see it for the gift it is and say ‘thank you’ Life’s surprise party is much more enjoyable that way!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Energy in Motion

Several weeks ago my spirit drank in every word +Panache Desai poured out in an interview led by +Oprah Winffrey  on Super Soul Sunday. I'm paraphrasing, but what I recall him saying is, "At the core we are ALL energy. EVERY emotion we experience is simply our energy wanting to move."

So as tears streamed down my face at a wedding yesterday, I didn't reach to wipe a single one away. I was present to each drop as it welled out of my eye, flowed down my cheek, fell off my chin and onto my chest where 'the Holy Spirit lovingly captured them to water the garden of my soul.' ( - another paraphrase from the book "The Shack" words my soul instantly embraced to forever change the way I experience tears- differently and beautifully!)

Yesterday's wedding was that of my daughter Jonnae's best friend. On one of the final days Jonnae and I got to share on this earth in physical body, both of us lying in my bed, Jonnae spoke up softly to break the silence between us, "I thought I was going to get married and have a family." The break in my heart tore open even more as I fought back tears (this is before I had read "The Shack") I was struggling to keep solid footing on The ROCK of which I was determined to stand, when these words came from Heaven to deliver us both PEACE. Miraculously I said, "The Bridegroom you are getting ready to meet is better than any man you would have met on earth." I'll never forget the power of that moment! I drew on it yesterday as I watched Maria, wearing Jonnae's tiara, come down the aisle; a river of tears flowing freely down my face.

Flashback: Nearly 5 years ago, my dear friend, Jami mailed a package to Jonnae with accessories for her to wear to her "Celebration of Life" (This celebration was a gift from Heaven as well. The idea was whispered within me one day as Hosparus left, "There is nothing traditional about you and Jonnae. Neither of you like the sorrow filled funerals with focus on the end of an earthly life. Choose instead, a want to celebrate the gift of her life on earth and the result of it's ending, meaning a new beginning for her in Heaven." When the thought was first presented, my human, people-pleasing mind responded with the suggestion that family and friends would not embrace or agree with the idea. My faith filled convicting spirit immediately decided it didn't care. This "Celebration of Life" would replace a traditional viewing after 'death'. I announced the idea and event details on a community web page (this was before FaceBook if you can imagine) A day or so before the "Celebration of Life" a box arrived. It contained a beautiful tiara with a note - "for you to remember you're a princess of the Risen King." Jonnae wore it to her special 'send off' event where hundreds flocked to show her love and celebrate "Heaven's newest star" at a red carpet premier of her video tribute. The event theme created for her as a result of a dream she'd had of her being 'a star.' I'll never forget feeling the 'heartbeat of Heaven' as we wheeled her into @The Grand theater. The simultaneous clapping of those hundreds who'd gathered created a vibration of Love that was palpable in our hearts.

A month or so ago, when I first received the wedding invitation from Maria, I instantly felt a resistance to going. I'd pretty much decided I was not going to face whatever emotion await me at the wedding of one of Jonnae's best friends. Days before the wedding, out of the blue I heard the inner voice suggest I offer Jonnae's tiara to Maria as her 'something borrowed' for her wedding day. (out of the blue...out of left field...since the time one popped up to suggest a "Celebration of Life" for Jonnae, I've come to recognize those whispers from the core of my being as 'plays being called by my 'Head Coach') My human mind attempted a rebuttal, "Offering Jonnae's tiara may have a counter effect of sadness and not result in the sweetness the offer intends. Also, Maria may feel obligated out of guilt to say yes to me, when it's really not something she wants. I'm not going to put her in that position." I let the thought go. Then as God would have it, the idea found it's way into a conversation I was having with a mutual friend. (Jonnae and Maria had been babysitters for her children.) She thought it was a lovely idea and offered to bring it up to Maria, dismantling the 'obligation to me as Jonnae's mom' excuse I had been hiding behind. (I say hiding because ends up the truth of the matter was I knew if I offered the tiara and Maria said yes, it would commit me to attending the wedding.)

The knew the idea was proposed to Maria the night before the wedding, but I hadn't heard back from her and was not pushing for an answer. As a matter of fact, yesterday morning with the wedding only a couple of hours out, I was not ready when I got a call from her at the church, "Could you bring Jonnae's tiara by and let the photographer take a picture of you putting it on my head?" WOW! It was going to happen AND I was not ready. I didn't doubt my spirit was ready, even though I'd resisted. It's shown me time and time again over the last 8 years it has no fear...when left to it's lead, my spirit leaps in faith every time. Even if my spirit was ready, I wasn't ready physically - as in showered, dressed, made up...(this is the beauty of having lost 25 lbs in 2 months and still having no hair as a result of participating in @St Baldricks 3 weeks ago. I can grab anything I want to wear and it fits and there's no hair to fix - cuts prep time and stress because of it tremendously ;) I headed down to the church with my daughter Lydia, delivered the tiara, took the picture, hugged and loved on Maria and headed off to take Lydia to her ballgame before my return to church for the wedding. There was a small well up of tears as the tip of bittersweet reality poked through but I was relieved it wasn't a current so swift or 'out of control'

Lydia and I got back in the car and headed to the school where her team and bus await. As we drove away from the church, where the wedding would take place and where Jonnae's body was buried, I kept hearing Jonnae's words, "I thought I was going to get married and have a family." My thoughts pulled in Maria is getting married and has the family Jonnae dreamed of. She has a 2 month old baby and a husband that exudes authentic love and commitment to her and their daughter. As a human being...a mother... of course an onset of emotion (energy that wanted to move and propel my spirit forward if I allowed and didn't fight it, was knocking on the door of my heart). Whether I would welcome the guest of sorrow to visit wasn't a question...the Universe took care of blowing the door wide open for me.

With my thoughts still on the wedding, the tiara, Jonnae's words, Lydia and I were at a stop sign awaiting traffic to pass, so I could pull out onto the highway. The nose of my car was out a bit more than it should have been, not dangerously so, just not making it easy for the car turning left on the road we were on to do so without going a wee bit further past our car to do so. The driver made an angry gesture at me as she turned in. That's all it took, the dam broke and the first wave of rushing tears flowed. Lydia said, "Mom. You're the only person I know who cries as a result of road rage."She has witnessed my resulting sadness from a driver's rage aimed at me before. I tried to explain. I began with how sad it is when I see my children treating each other in a way that's not loving. I explained how my thoughts were first on the wedding, tiara, her sister Jonnae and my mind not completely on the driving. I was out a little more than I should have been, but not so much so that it should have evoked the anger and toxic energy of the woman who'd been so nasty with her response to it. How are we so mindless that we don't take into consideration what another person might be going through to result in the human experience or exchange the way it's playing out? I told Lydia, I'm shedding tears I was trying to keep at bay from the memories, as well as tears for how God must feel when He looks down on this earth and sees His children behaving so badly towards one another. That woman doesn't  know me, or my intentions, to act out that way towards me. I've become mindful of that unknowing of what another being is going through. I don't let a few extra minutes at a stop sign, or in traffic begrunt me so much that I contaminate the space around me with anger. Jill Bolte Taylor has said, "we are responsible for the energy we bring into a space" and even when it's between two vehicles, in an encounter with a stranger, I will not pour out toxic anger and negative energy over something so small as a few seconds or minutes. That being said, I pray for the person who does, for they must be really hurting or struggling to go off so quickly with such nasty energy. And then I give thanks, that I choose not to live my life that way, to expel or contaminate a space with less than loving energy.

At the end of the day, hours after I was home from the wedding, the tears still flowed and I let them. There's much I can not change about the past, or even instantaneously about the present. However, I do know energy is at the core of our being, and it's wanting to move forward. (Remember F.R.O.G - Fully Rely on God and frogs don't move backwards). Embrace the energy wanting to move and the emotion it's choosing to do so. One thing I know for sure - struggling to keep emotion contained does not let energy flow and blocking energy is no way to propel forward and LIVE!!!

Energy in Motion

Several weeks ago my spirit drank in every word @Panache Desai poured out in an interview led by @Oprah Winfrey on @Super Soul Sunday. I'm paraphrasing, but what I recall him saying is, "At the core we are ALL energy. EVERY emotion we experience is simply our energy wanting to move."

So as tears streamed down my face at a wedding yesterday, I didn't reach to wipe a single one away. I was present to each drop as it welled out of my eye, flowed down my cheek, fell off my chin and onto my chest where 'the Holy Spirit lovingly captured them to water the garden of my soul.' ( - another paraphrase from the book @The Shack; words my soul instantly embraced to forever change the way I experience tears- differently and beautifully!)

Yesterday's wedding was that of my daughter Jonnae's best friend. On one of the final days Jonnae and I got to share on this earth in physical body, both of us lying in my bed, Jonnae spoke up softly to break the silence between us, "I thought I was going to get married and have a family." The break in my heart tore open even more as I fought back tears (this is before I had read "The Shack") I was struggling to keep solid footing on The ROCK of which I was determined to stand, when these words came from Heaven to deliver us both PEACE. Miraculously I said, "The Bridegroom you are getting ready to meet is better than any man you would have met on earth." I'll never forget the power of that moment! I drew on it yesterday as I watched Maria, wearing Jonnae's tiara, come down the aisle; a river of tears flowing freely down my face.

Flashback: Nearly 5 years ago, a dear friend, @Jami Ronda, mailed a package to Jonnae with accessories for her to wear to her "Celebration of Life" (This celebration was a gift from Heaven as well. The idea was whispered within me one day as Hosparus left, "There is nothing traditional about you and Jonnae. Neither of you like the sorrow filled funerals with focus on the end of an earthly life. Choose instead, a want to celebrate the gift of her life on earth and the result of it's ending, meaning a new beginning for her in Heaven." When the thought was first presented, my human, people-pleasing mind responded with the suggestion that family and friends would not embrace or agree with the idea. My faith filled convicting spirit immediately decided it didn't care. This "Celebration of Life" would replace a traditional viewing after 'death'. I announced the idea and event details on a community web page (this was before FaceBook if you can imagine) A day or so before the "Celebration of Life" a box arrived. It contained a beautiful tiara with a note - "for you to remember you're a princess of the Risen King." Jonnae wore it to her special 'send off' event where hundreds flocked to show her love and celebrate "Heaven's newest star" at a red carpet premier of her video tribute. The event theme created for her as a result of a dream she'd had of her being 'a star.' I'll never forget feeling the 'heartbeat of Heaven' as we wheeled her into @The Grand theater. The simultaneous clapping of those hundreds who'd gathered created a vibration of Love that was palpable in our hearts.

A month or so ago, when I first received the wedding invitation from Maria, I instantly felt a resistance to going. I'd pretty much decided I was not going to face whatever emotion await me at the wedding of one of Jonnae's best friends. Days before the wedding, out of the blue I heard the inner voice suggest I offer Jonnae's tiara to Maria as her 'something borrowed' for her wedding day. (out of the blue...out of left field...since the time one popped up to suggest a "Celebration of Life" for Jonnae, I've come to recognize those whispers from the core of my being as 'plays being called by my 'Head Coach') My human mind attempted a rebuttal, "Offering Jonnae's tiara may have a counter effect of sadness and not result in the sweetness the offer intends. Also, Maria may feel obligated out of guilt to say yes to me, when it's really not something she wants. I'm not going to put her in that position." I let the thought go. Then as God would have it, the idea found it's way into a conversation I was having with a mutual friend. (Jonnae and Maria had been babysitters for her children.) She thought it was a lovely idea and offered to bring it up to Maria, dismantling the 'obligation to me as Jonnae's mom' excuse I had been hiding behind. (I say hiding because ends up the truth of the matter was I knew if I offered the tiara and Maria said yes, it would commit me to attending the wedding.)

The knew the idea was proposed to Maria the night before the wedding, but I hadn't heard back from her and was not pushing for an answer. As a matter of fact, yesterday morning with the wedding only a couple of hours out, I was not ready when I got a call from her at the church, "Could you bring Jonnae's tiara by and let the photographer take a picture of you putting it on my head?" WOW! It was going to happen AND I was not ready. I didn't doubt my spirit was ready, even though I'd resisted. It's shown me time and time again over the last 8 years it has no fear...when left to it's lead, my spirit leaps in faith every time. Even if my spirit was ready, I wasn't ready physically - as in showered, dressed, made up...(this is the beauty of having lost 25 lbs in 2 months and still having no hair as a result of participating in @St Baldricks 3 weeks ago. I can grab anything I want to wear and it fits and there's no hair to fix - cuts prep time and stress because of it tremendously ;) I headed down to the church with my daughter Lydia, delivered the tiara, took the picture, hugged and loved on Maria and headed off to take Lydia to her ballgame before my return to church for the wedding. There was a small well up of tears as the tip of bittersweet reality poked through but I was relieved it wasn't a current so swift or 'out of control'

Lydia and I got back in the car and headed to the school where her team and bus await. As we drove away from the church, where the wedding would take place and where Jonnae's body was buried, I kept hearing Jonnae's words, "I thought I was going to get married and have a family." My thoughts pulled in Maria is getting married and has the family Jonnae dreamed of. She has a 2 month old baby and a husband that exudes authentic love and commitment to her and their daughter. As a human being...a mother... of course an onset of emotion (energy that wanted to move and propel my spirit forward if I allowed and didn't fight it, was knocking on the door of my heart). Whether I would welcome the guest of sorrow to visit wasn't a question...the Universe took care of blowing the door wide open for me.

With my thoughts still on the wedding, the tiara, Jonnae's words, Lydia and I were at a stop sign awaiting traffic to pass, so I could pull out onto the highway. The nose of my car was out a bit more than it should have been, not dangerously so, just not making it easy for the car turning left on the road we were on to do so without going a wee bit further past our car to do so. The driver made an angry gesture at me as she turned in. That's all it took, the dam broke and the first wave of rushing tears flowed. Lydia said, "Mom. You're the only person I know who cries as a result of road rage."She has witnessed my resulting sadness from a driver's rage aimed at me before. I tried to explain. I began with how sad it is when I see my children treating each other in a way that's not loving. I explained how my thoughts were first on the wedding, tiara, her sister Jonnae and my mind not completely on the driving. I was out a little more than I should have been, but not so much so that it should have evoked the anger and toxic energy of the woman who'd been so nasty with her response to it. How are we so mindless that we don't take into consideration what another person might be going through to result in the human experience or exchange the way it's playing out? I told Lydia, I'm shedding tears I was trying to keep at bay from the memories, as well as tears for how God must feel when He looks down on this earth and sees His children behaving so badly towards one another. That woman doesn't  know me, or my intentions, to act out that way towards me. I've become mindful of that unknowing of what another being is going through. I don't let a few extra minutes at a stop sign, or in traffic begrunt me so much that I contaminate the space around me with anger. @Jill Bolte Taylor has said, "we are responsible for the energy we bring into a space" and even when it's between two vehicles, in an encounter with a stranger, I will not pour out toxic anger and negative energy over something so small as a few seconds or minutes. That being said, I pray for the person who does, for they must be really hurting or struggling to go off so quickly with such nasty energy. And then I give thanks, that I choose not to live my life that way, to expel or contaminate a space with less than loving energy.

At the end of the day, hours after I was home from the wedding, the tears still flowed and I let them. There's much I can not change about the past, or even instantaneously about the present. However, I do know energy is at the core of our being, and it's wanting to move forward. (Remember F.R.O.G - Fully Rely on God and frogs don't move backwards). Embrace the energy wanting to move and the emotion it's choosing to do so. One thing I know for sure - struggling to keep emotion contained does not let energy flow and blocking energy is no way to propel forward and LIVE!!!