Sunday, December 27, 2009

Christmas Miracles


This year, more influenced by movies like "It's a Wonderful Life" or "The Man Who Saved Christmas" than other years, I found myself wishing to be visited by angels who would give me the peace and joy that seemingly were misplaced. After weeks of feeling discontent, I went to sleep on Christmas Eve praying for a dream like Mack was blessed with in the "The Shack" (After his daughter was murdered, he got to see her perfectly whole and happy playing in Heaven). I know Jonnae is perfect and whole. I don't really need a dream or visit from her to live my life in joy or peace. I just find myself yearning for her during the season of Christmas in ways I don't any other time of year. I need a 180 degree turn from my aching heart back to my glee filled spirit.

"Heavenly Birth" was made possible because I sat down to write what I was feeling; honestly and humbly. As a result of my sharing every experience and emotion, God revealed Himself in the most amazing ways. Often, my hand miraculously became His instrument and simultaneously He breathed new life into me and my readers. Tonight, I find myself pleading for Him to lift me once more, as I sit to reflect and share my thoughts.

I've been trying to work my way through this troubled season quietly, not wanting to bring anyone down with my heaviness of heart...spirit...whatever it is that's responsible for me not feeling the Spirit of Christmas. Knowing the answers won't come from a source outside myself, but must come from within, I've tried to be quiet and patient in waiting for some answers. Is Winter always going to be a season I'm just trying to get through, rather than one that is anticipated with great joy? My mind is full of questions, answers, and dialogue with the Holy Spirit. How can I even put all of this into words anyway? What I'm feeling makes sense. I guess one could say it's even expected. I understand it, but is waiting it out all I can do?

It's not as if I can shut off the memory of December '07; the test of patience, faith, courage, strength, and tenacity asked of Jonnae, me, and my family. I don't even want to . But is it going to take a Christmas miracle to give me the best of both worlds. I don't want to forget the gift of that experience, but how do I move through this present gift in joy? Jonnae's bone marrow transplant and iminent "Heavenly Birth" was lifechanging in a way that I'm very grateful for, but I can't reminesce about that time and not find myself missing Jonnae more than ever.

I know that I'm not to deny myself emotion. I'm not supposed to be immune to sorrow. As a matter of fact, more times than not, my soul is soaring with strength found in the fruits of the Holy Spirit and I wonder if I'm supposed to feel sorrow more than I do. (It's happening! LOL. The clarity that comes from writing is in itself miraculous; stay with me. I ask God to help me feel something I'm not feeling. Wondering if I'm blocking or suppressing emotion that humans are supposed to feel. I begin feeling that very emotion I'm concerned about not feeling and then I beg God to relieve me of it. I'm chuckling, wonder if He is smiling with me. Somehow, I'm certain He is.)

Have you ever opened a gift and not really known what it was you were holding? or have you ever not really known how much you like or enjoy a gift until you've had the chance to use it? With the awareness I've just written myself into, I find myself sitting in the Peace I've been seeking. Praise God!

Heavenly Father, You said, "Seek and you shall find". You said, "Ask and you shall receive". You always keep your promises! I've experienced Your Presence today in a way I long to experience every day. I'm thankful for those times I feel weak, for it is then that I beseech You to draw me close. The more I know You the more I want to know You. May I never get lazy in my quest to stay close to You. May my eyes always seek You, my ears always listen for You, and the door to my heart always be open for You. May I never stop longing to be a voice for You. May I never stop longing to be Your Light. May I never stop singing Your praise, bringing You glory, or loving you with ALL MY HEART! Amen!

1 comment:

  1. As i sit here reading your entry tonight. i find myself asking the same question, will i always feel so heavy this time of year, but i know the closer i stay to God my father the more his love wraps around me like a soft warm banket, like the one you told us about in your book. and my favorite saying now. is together all we can do is FROG it. thank you for your inspiration.