This is the first time in three years that two months separate blog entries. Along with nearly every other good thing I had built into my routine, writing fell to the wayside. I don't know that I'll ever stop the inner dialogue that's constantly asking the analytical questions, (not sure I even wish to) but just in this brief time I've been writing this blog, I've experienced sought for clarity.
The unrest that I've been experiencing for the last year/year a half began when I stopped doing what was working best for me. What I had developed as the framework from which I built my BEST days, I have not been utilizing. No framework results in breaking down, not building up. However, in knowing everything holds within it something good, once the tearing down has stopped, the building back up can often produce something better. That's the thought I will embrace.
I hear often that I'm too hard on myself. I've never believed it and with this new found clarity I'm fairly certain I may never align myself with that way of thinking. As a matter of fact, I've decided I'm grateful that I am as good at tough love with myself as I am with everyone else. Because that's all that being hard on myself is...tough love.
In her weaker moments (there weren't many) Jonnae sometimes said with tears, "This is so hard!" My immediate response was, "It's hard but it's doable." I didn't let her succumb to fear of needles or unrest about being put to sleep. I got in her face and repeated what she needed to do until she did it. No doubt about it, I was really tough on her. It was tough love that led both her and I through the leukemia battle with relentless focus, determination, and strength. Why would I stop being hard on myself when it's that toughness that was a large part of the journey being what it was. Why would I not hold myself accountable now like I did then?
That being said, there's a fine balance of knowing when to let up and not letting up for too long. The consequence of error in not knowing when to let up, you end up not just falling, but your layed out on the ground. If the problem is a result of you letting up for too long, you lose the momentum you had going, you lose ground, and it takes much longer just to get back where you were. The reality is. I didn't know when to let up AND in being easier on myself I let up for a long time. Ruh roh! I experienced a double whammy. However, exhausting or not, in me there is no quitting. A gift born of all the adversity in my life that strengthened my resolve and character. I have a strong "I WILL NOT QUIT" muscle.
If you've been following my blog over the course of this year, you know I've been talking a good game, but the scoreboard doesn't quite reflect I've held the lead for more than a week. It's time for the tough love to be activated full gear. The only way I'll obtain the ever so important balance I crave and need, is to create a solid plan and stick to it, no excuses. I GET TO get to it!
With Gratitude Always,