Daggone it! I'm in a place I was hoping to never revisit... the bottom of 'The Pit.' But before I pour my heart out into this blog for the world to either embrace or judge, let me just say, Even though I'd rather be somewhere else, I know I've got what it takes to get out of here..and quickly. In the end I'll be better because of it. I don't appear to be certain of much these days, but of this I am sure!
What's prompted this return to the blogging world after a long hiatus is what I expect will also keep me actively present in it -
I thought I knew and I thought I was ready! Evidently I'm not or I wouldn't be frustrated or it this long in coming. Answers often come through my writing. A body that's been weary for a while, eyes stinging from tears, desperate for answers, here I sit; ready to see what's revealed through words that come forth.
I thought I knew what direction God wanted me to go in and I thought I was ready.
I thought I knew my speaking and writing could become a career and I thought I was ready.
I thought I knew how to share the gifts life has given me and I thought the world was ready to receive them.
I thought I knew how to share my message in front of a camera, from a place of authenticity, and I thought I was ready for the response. (I was way off on this one. It's the straw that broke the camel's back today.)
I thought I knew all of this was according to God's plan...certainly His will...now I'm not so sure. Which leads me to the question, "What is your will for me anyway God?"
The voice of discouragement has been resounding at higher volume of late. It's not music to my ears in the least. Trust me, I've tried to drown it out with faith, perseverance, gratitude, prayer, and yes... patience (although some would debate that last one for sure. ;) But I assure you I've given it my best effort.
I found a passion in writing, sharing from a place of authenticity during Jonnae's battle with leukemia and for the most part was accepted and supported for who I was. I was comfortable, even bold, speaking my heart and mind; not caring or looking for acceptance or support, just needing a place to think and have a voice. I found an inner acceptance and love of who I am that was foreign to me and I loved giving the lessons I was being taught a voice. Me as I am and the lessons were embraced. It was an incredible ride for all!
With a daughter's suffering and life at stake, I was not distracted with someone's judgment of me. I shared my thoughts with no other intention than to speak my truth, confident and assured. The ball stayed in my court. Even though to many it appears Jonnae lost to leuk, I know different. Her 'game of life' ended in victory. I was ready to continue on with the same game plan so mine would also.
However, it's an entirely different ball game. The field has changed and my batting average has suffered. I've had an increase in unforced errors and the score would reflect I've fallen behind. I am beyond ready to have a comfortable lead. It's been an exhausting slump and I'm trying to figure out just what the plan is now. What is the position God wants me at anyway?
I wasn't about to conform to the world's game plan during Jonnae's fight. Focusing on statistics, odds, players that have no place on God's eternal field. The world wasn't asking me to conform either. Now, as I seek to stay in the game, it does appear the world wants me to conform to it's perspective...it's plan; in the business sense of it anyway. It wants to polish me, have me speak scripts, be politically correct. It doesn't want me to show up as I am naturally. It wants me to learn to play it's way. Apparently, I'm not enough as I am. That's not working for me.
It takes me back to when I first started playing golf. Perfect analogy. My natural drive was astounding (no ego, just fact, I was competing in the World's Longest Drive contest only two years after I picked up a driver) but that wasn't good enough. I was encouraged to take lessons and learn the correct form. Result...not nearly as good. A long beautiful drive is no longer in my bag and the game not nearly as fun as it was with natural, raw talent. So there within lies my issue. Why fix what's not broken? Seems pretty clear to me now. If the business world isn't going to accept the gift of my message and how it's delivered..which is how I enjoy the game most...maybe it's time to play somewhere/something else. I'm left to wonder.
So maybe I don't know. Maybe I'm not ready. For now, all I can do is seek the ultimate coach, my Creator, and ask once again, "What is your will for me anyway?"