Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I was using the self checkout aisle at Walmart last week, using a gift card to pay for my purchase. After running the card through the keypad, it reflected I hadn't paid my balance. I ran it through again and again. As they do when they see you struggling to complete your transaction, the Walmart associate overseeing the self scan stations came over to me and said, "Is it asking your scan your card?" To which I replied, "Yes! Everytime I swipe it it says ...and in unison we said, "Please scan your card" She took it out of my hand and scanned it. Ah ha!!! I was swiping my card through the key pad as you do with a credit or debit card; not SCANNING it as you do merchandise, even after I had been instructed...over and over again to scan it. I laughed and said to the teller, "God's just telling me I don't listen" I shook my head and again said, "I'm still not listening." We both shared a laugh and I went about my day.
I went about my day, unable to forget just how true it is. I'm great at talking; not so great at listening. (even my kids have told me that)
I may not be great at listening to the audible sounds of the earth. I'm a bit better at listening to the spiritual guidance of the Divine. If not for being a good spiritual listener, I'd never have sought to find the good when it was so hard to find it during Jonnae's illness. I'd never have blogged the last 9 months of her life and I'd not have created (with much help) her Celebration of Life one week before she passed. I may not hear all that well with my ears. I've been blown away, and incredibly blessed, with what happens when I listen with my soul. Today's no exception.
In January of this year, I reclaimed a room in our basement to convert into a home office. After having invested much time in dreaming about living in a house like one that was being built last year in our subdivision, overlooking a body of water (and after experiencing quite sacred moments from other waterfront properties) I decided I would paint the room a soft color like that of water. I didn't choose a true hue of blue. I chose more a robin egg or soft pale turquoise color. I decorated the room with accessories we already had in the house, doing the best I could to create a nice room without much expense.
Although grateful for the space, it's never quite produced what I hoped it would. It's functional, organized, and what I didn't have for a work a space before. It's never provided the haven I crave or the flow of energy that I feel is blocked in the rest of our home, where so many memories exist of Jonnae. Although I embrace them all as great gifts, there's just something I can't seem to remove in the way of blocked energy. Too hard to explain and simply something I get to accept and live with for a while longer. So I press on.
I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me before, or why it did occur to me from out of nowhere last week, to check online for a large water scene mural. I googled and found many sites to shop. I think I invested the better part of an entire day considering and reconsidering my options. Still trying to keep cost to a minimum, after much back and forth as to what I would finally splurge on, I selected a smaller size mural than the ones I originally began looking at, based on the pale turquoise color of my already freshly painted room. It was the only scene that was not a true blue, but turquoise. It arrived within a couple of days and I applied it to the wall last weekend.
Although satisfied with the mural and the color of the wall as it's backdrop, I wasn't happy with the way the existing accessories in the room looked with it. The room needs to be more cohesive with colors of the white beach and cool teal waters in the print. I decided I'd start working towards creating a room that felt more like a refreshing retreat, similar to what you'd experience at a place on the beach.
While out today, I thought I'd swing by the HomeGoods store and use instore credit I had from a previous return I'd made a while back. I went in thinking I'd peruse the store to find a single lil treasure piece for the room, like a conch shell or something and it wouldn't cost me a thing. Well you know how it goes (especially if you're into decorating) My eyes kept finding items that would work perfectly to create the type room I was envisioning. As an artist, I usually only begin with a theme or simple idea and the creation just takes on a life of it's own. This shopping trip was definitely playing out like that. With not one, but 8 items in a buggy (that I got to go back to the entrance for because I didn't think I'd need one for the single item I would choose) In a mere second, as I was already having buyers remorse and analyzing this cart as 'retail therapy' my consciousness came alive to meld with my subconscious. As the revelation happened and goose bumps covered my body, I was in awe. How could I have not realized what I was doing before now?! I was creating the caribbean scene Jonnae had dreamt of experiencing through Make a Wish. All she wanted was to ride a horse on the white sands of a beach with crystal clear turquoise water. In that moment, any guilt I had about purchasing these accessories was gone. It wasn't a matter of retail therapy; it's a matter of acknowledging a gift from the Divine to create a space I can share 'with her.' The timing is impeccable too, as I'm most present to what would have been her 19th birthday this Friday. It's almost as if this caribbean room is her gift to me. There simply is NO WAY I can relay in words how much I've felt embraced by the combined presence of God and Jonnae today.
The picture accompanying this blog was taken by my friend while we were on a walk this morning. We both stopped to soak up the SON as the rays shined so brightly through the trees in this amazing star burst. I recalled, as I stood there to bask in it's glory, Jonnae's statement towards the end of her life when as we saw the sun's rays in a similar way. She said, "It reminds me of Heaven"
I'm enamored by the glory of God, the brightness of Jonnae's spirit, how her presence can sometimes encompass me, and how today...my subconscious revealed it's plan to give me a place where I feel her in a special sweet way, encouraging me to press on and create whatever instinctively comes to me. It's a gift from the Divine.