Several weeks ago my spirit drank in every word @Panache Desai poured out in an interview led by @Oprah Winfrey on @Super Soul Sunday. I'm paraphrasing, but what I recall him saying is, "At the core we are ALL energy. EVERY emotion we experience is simply our energy wanting to move."
So as tears streamed down my face at a wedding yesterday, I didn't reach to wipe a single one away. I was present to each drop as it welled out of my eye, flowed down my cheek, fell off my chin and onto my chest where 'the Holy Spirit lovingly captured them to water the garden of my soul.' ( - another paraphrase from the book @The Shack; words my soul instantly embraced to forever change the way I experience tears- differently and beautifully!)
Yesterday's wedding was that of my daughter Jonnae's best friend. On one of the final days Jonnae and I got to share on this earth in physical body, both of us lying in my bed, Jonnae spoke up softly to break the silence between us, "I thought I was going to get married and have a family." The break in my heart tore open even more as I fought back tears (this is before I had read "The Shack") I was struggling to keep solid footing on The ROCK of which I was determined to stand, when these words came from Heaven to deliver us both PEACE. Miraculously I said, "The Bridegroom you are getting ready to meet is better than any man you would have met on earth." I'll never forget the power of that moment! I drew on it yesterday as I watched Maria, wearing Jonnae's tiara, come down the aisle; a river of tears flowing freely down my face.
Flashback: Nearly 5 years ago, a dear friend, @Jami Ronda, mailed a package to Jonnae with accessories for her to wear to her "Celebration of Life" (This celebration was a gift from Heaven as well. The idea was whispered within me one day as Hosparus left, "There is nothing traditional about you and Jonnae. Neither of you like the sorrow filled funerals with focus on the end of an earthly life. Choose instead, a want to celebrate the gift of her life on earth and the result of it's ending, meaning a new beginning for her in Heaven." When the thought was first presented, my human, people-pleasing mind responded with the suggestion that family and friends would not embrace or agree with the idea. My faith filled convicting spirit immediately decided it didn't care. This "Celebration of Life" would replace a traditional viewing after 'death'. I announced the idea and event details on a community web page (this was before FaceBook if you can imagine) A day or so before the "Celebration of Life" a box arrived. It contained a beautiful tiara with a note - "for you to remember you're a princess of the Risen King." Jonnae wore it to her special 'send off' event where hundreds flocked to show her love and celebrate "Heaven's newest star" at a red carpet premier of her video tribute. The event theme created for her as a result of a dream she'd had of her being 'a star.' I'll never forget feeling the 'heartbeat of Heaven' as we wheeled her into @The Grand theater. The simultaneous clapping of those hundreds who'd gathered created a vibration of Love that was palpable in our hearts.
A month or so ago, when I first received the wedding invitation from Maria, I instantly felt a resistance to going. I'd pretty much decided I was not going to face whatever emotion await me at the wedding of one of Jonnae's best friends. Days before the wedding, out of the blue I heard the inner voice suggest I offer Jonnae's tiara to Maria as her 'something borrowed' for her wedding day. (out of the blue...out of left field...since the time one popped up
to suggest a "Celebration of Life" for Jonnae, I've come to recognize
those whispers from the core of my being as 'plays being called by my
'Head Coach') My human mind attempted a rebuttal, "Offering Jonnae's tiara may have a counter effect of sadness and not result in the sweetness the offer intends. Also, Maria may feel obligated out of guilt to say yes to me, when it's really not something she wants. I'm not going to put her in that position." I let the thought go. Then as God would have it, the idea found it's way into a conversation I was having with a mutual friend. (Jonnae and Maria had been babysitters for her children.) She thought it was a lovely idea and offered to bring it up to Maria, dismantling the 'obligation to me as Jonnae's mom' excuse I had been hiding behind. (I say hiding because ends up the truth of the matter was I knew if I offered the tiara and Maria said yes, it would commit me to attending the wedding.)
The knew the idea was proposed to Maria the night before the wedding, but I hadn't heard back from her and was not pushing for an answer. As a matter of fact, yesterday morning with the wedding only a couple of hours out, I was not ready when I got a call from her at the church, "Could you bring Jonnae's tiara by and let the photographer take a picture of you putting it on my head?" WOW! It was going to happen AND I was not ready. I didn't doubt my spirit was ready, even though I'd resisted. It's shown me time and time again over the last 8 years it has no fear...when left to it's lead, my spirit leaps in faith every time. Even if my spirit was ready, I wasn't ready physically - as in showered, dressed, made up...(this is the beauty of having lost 25 lbs in 2 months and still having no hair as a result of participating in @St Baldricks 3 weeks ago. I can grab anything I want to wear and it fits and there's no hair to fix - cuts prep time and stress because of it tremendously ;) I headed down to the church with my daughter Lydia, delivered the tiara, took the picture, hugged and loved on Maria and headed off to take Lydia to her ballgame before my return to church for the wedding. There was a small well up of tears as the tip of bittersweet reality poked through but I was relieved it wasn't a current so swift or 'out of control'
Lydia and I got back in the car and headed to the school where her team and bus await. As we drove away from the church, where the wedding would take place and where Jonnae's body was buried, I kept hearing Jonnae's words, "I thought I was going to get married and have a family." My thoughts pulled in Maria is getting married and has the family Jonnae dreamed of. She has a 2 month old baby and a husband that exudes authentic love and commitment to her and their daughter. As a human being...a mother... of course an onset of emotion (energy that wanted to move and propel my spirit forward if I allowed and didn't fight it, was knocking on the door of my heart). Whether I would welcome the guest of sorrow to visit wasn't a question...the Universe took care of blowing the door wide open for me.
With my thoughts still on the wedding, the tiara, Jonnae's words, Lydia and I were at a stop sign awaiting traffic to pass, so I could pull out onto the highway. The nose of my car was out a bit more than it should have been, not dangerously so, just not making it easy for the car turning left on the road we were on to do so without going a wee bit further past our car to do so. The driver made an angry gesture at me as she turned in. That's all it took, the dam broke and the first wave of rushing tears flowed. Lydia said, "Mom. You're the only person I know who cries as a result of road rage."She has witnessed my resulting sadness from a driver's rage aimed at me before. I tried to explain. I began with how sad it is when I see my children treating each other in a way that's not loving. I explained how my thoughts were first on the wedding, tiara, her sister Jonnae and my mind not completely on the driving. I was out a little more than I should have been, but not so much so that it should have evoked the anger and toxic energy of the woman who'd been so nasty with her response to it. How are we so mindless that we don't take into consideration what another person might be going through to result in the human experience or exchange the way it's playing out? I told Lydia, I'm shedding tears I was trying to keep at bay from the memories, as well as tears for how God must feel when He looks down on this earth and sees His children behaving so badly towards one another. That woman doesn't know me, or my intentions, to act out that way towards me. I've become mindful of that unknowing of what another being is going through. I don't let a few extra minutes at a stop sign, or in traffic begrunt me so much that I contaminate the space around me with anger. @Jill Bolte Taylor has said, "we are responsible for the energy we bring into a space" and even when it's between two vehicles, in an encounter with a stranger, I will not pour out toxic anger and negative energy over something so small as a few seconds or minutes. That being said, I pray for the person who does, for they must be really hurting or struggling to go off so quickly with such nasty energy. And then I give thanks, that I choose not to live my life that way, to expel or contaminate a space with less than loving energy.
At the end of the day, hours after I was home from the wedding, the tears still flowed and I let them. There's much I can not change about the past, or even instantaneously about the present. However, I do know energy is at the core of our being, and it's wanting to move forward. (Remember F.R.O.G - Fully Rely on God and frogs don't move backwards). Embrace the energy wanting to move and the emotion it's choosing to do so. One thing I know for sure - struggling to keep emotion contained does not let energy flow and blocking energy is no way to propel forward and LIVE!!!