"FINALLY! Poor little knucklehead! It took forty one years; a lot of mistakes, a lot of disappointment, a lot of pain,
and a lot of faith and perseverance, but she finally gets it"
what God smiled and said this morning.
It's my spirit that's developing into something more when I'm in the gym pumping iron or pushing myself through a cardio session. What I love about my workouts these days is my body is just along for the ride. (although it benefits immensely) I'm so far from where started.
I spent years being a co-dependant, people pleasing, girl, teenager, and woman needing to draw attention to myself. What that meant most of the time was using my body to do so. Why? Because I needed love and didn't know how or where to find it.
Through my confusion and discontentment, I thought having a beautiful body would compensate for what I didn't feel in my heart and soul or what I didn't like about my face. I had more control over changing the shape of my body than I did changing the look of my face and....it would get people to pay attention to me.
In highschool I dressed very differently, not in a sexual way, just an odd attention grabbing way. Through college and much of my married life, different turned into provocative. I've just very recently become uncomforable with that style of dress and the reason just struck me this morning during my workout.
Before my intent was to draw attention to myself. Now my intention is to draw attention to God. Before I needed to be praised and adored. After some real eye opening lessons, the thought of someone directing that adoration and praise to me, instead of to God, is very disturbing. I have found a self love for who God created in me, through acceptance and forgiveness for all the mistakes I've made. I know God's love in the most intimate, authentic way. No human's love can compare.
I'm in awe with the path it took to lead me to this amazing place. I've pulled off of the road at one of those breath taking "look out points". (We have those here in the mountains.) It's not a place to spend a lot of time or to take up residence. It's merely a place to take a moment and appreciate the magnificent creation of God's hand. That's what I'm doing.
The climb to this "look out" point took a lot of energy, pain, falling, forgiveness, perseverance and faith. My pain propelled me into Our Father's embrace. I misused my body, sought love in the wrong places, jeopardized my marriage and family, and let go of my daughter's physical body as God waited for me to get to here.
Our journeys and the mountains we climb in the midst of them are different, but I believe they are also very similar. We often look to receive attention from other human beings. It is my prayer that if you aren't already there, you soon look in the mirror and know the person looking back at you is the loving source you need to draw from. Ultimately it is that person you see in the mirror who needs to love you enough to look out for your best interest. People come and go. Some you want to say good bye to, some you desperately want to hang on to.
It's not love from someone else that you need, but love from within. Ultimately, no one or nothing can be our "everything" That love doesn't come from who you are on your own, but who God is in you. Peace doesn't come from what we have, but from what we are willing to give. I'm simply in awe of the journey. I'm amazed at how desperate I was for someone else to provide what I already had. When you stop looking for love outside yourself and open up to God as your source of love from within, you'll transform from "knucklehead" to "one who gets it".