Sunday, December 13, 2009

Experiences, such as the one that happened this weekend, are impossible to portray with words but it's all I have to offer as a way to share it. Here is my feeble attempt.

I spent a lot of time on the road this week; traveling to a speaking engagement in Lexington, to an impromptu visit with Cincinnati' Children's Hospital and to a gathering of friends in Indianapolis. I'm not one who likes car travel. If it's necessary, I'd rather be reading or sleeping in the passenger seat than be the one behind the wheel. However, if there were a guarantee that every car ride over an hour would result in a conversation with God like this one, I'd make certain to be behind the wheel every day. It is that very thought of possibility that gets me in the car early in the morning to head to the gym. I've had many a powerful conversation with God in the silence of that waking hour. One powerful conversation, shared with God in the silence of their car, would propel anyone to begin their day without the radio or distractions and just listen to what His Divine Guidance has to say.

Actually my conversation with God began on my way back from the Lexington engagement. I was asking God if I'm doing His work in a way that's pleasing to Him. The inner voice answered, "It's pleasing to Him, it's you that sometimes has a hard time being pleased." As I choked down yet another piece of humble pie, disappointed with the realization that I too am guilty of trying to get to bigger and better instead of embracing the gift of where I am. (that's one of my most emphasized messages) Then as the conversation continued, I heard the prompt to go to Cincinnati Children's hospital the following day. I tried repeatedly to dismiss the thought, using a previously scheduled appointment as my excuse for why I could do no such thing. However, I've learned when I try to suppress something over and over and it keeps resurfacing, that it's not my thought at all and I better heed to the instruction. I threw up the question, "but why?" only half heartedly, for I know faith is not needing to understand, it's acting with trust and obliging. Sometimes the reason is made known, sometimes, as was the case on Friday, it is not.

I drove to Cincinnati with a few different expectations in my attempt to answer "what is this trip about?" Maybe I would uncover some emotion that needed to come up. (With strength that is surprising even to me and an immediate acceptance of Jonnae's "Heavenly Birth", sometimes people are bold enough to tell me I'm burying my true feelings. This prompts me to ask myself if I am. If so, maybe a trip to Cincinnati would expose them) No emotion surfaced. I didn't feel any queasiness approaching the hospital as I did on this very date two years ago, admitting Jonnae to the hospital for her bone marrow transplant. I thought, possibly, the reason I had been prompted to come to Cinci was for the encouragement of a family that was there now, only I was not permitted to go into the unit. (It is very high security to protect the low immunity of the transplant patients.) Nor did I see the head doctor. Another thought that had crossed my mind as to "why".

Before I ever arrived on the hospital campus, I accepted the thought that I may never know what the trip was about, but I had been obedient to "the call". Even though the possibility of no answer was accepted, I still continued a question/answer session in my head on the way back home.

If nothing else, I had shared "I GET TO" bracelets with the young men parking cars for the hospital visitors. They embraced the message and were most appreciative of the way it had already changed their day, much more their lives. I saw one of the transplant coordinators, one of the group doctors, and one of Jonnae's nurses. All surprised, yet happy to see me. I spoke with two of the receptionists who had participated in the early Wacky Wednesdays and a director who may be able to assist in activating the Wacky Wednesday program there ( maybe the "why", should we ever know :)

I wasn't able to spend time in the Vernon suite where Jonnae and I had been "quarantined" for two months. Oddly enough, I was looking forward to spending time in that space. Sadly, the hotel is no longer open for business. As I pulled into the parking lot and my eyes took in the boarded windows and vacant lot, I felt the sorrow for those workers we had become so comfortable "living" with, not because they had lost their source of income (that too), but because they truly loved to serve. It was evident from the very beginning that the people who spent their days there, would do it for nothing if they could. The receptionists, bell hops, valet parking attendants/drivers...they all LOVED serving their guests. There was no question about it.

I did visit the lovely St Monica Catholic church. On rare occassion, I had been able to attend Mass there. There was also one visit Jonnae and I were able to make, in the midst of her recovery, to visit the priest, receive reconciliation and communion, and spend some time singing and praying in the Lord's House. I thought maybe something really Divine and special would occur in my revisit to the place, one of those big giant GOD hugs, but I didn't experience it.

All of this seeking, this yearning for God to be with me in a way I have not experienced for a time, this craving, was satisfied yesterday.

Casting Crowns new CD, Until the World Hears, was playing on the stereo in the background as I beseeched Our Father. Multitudes of questions pouring from my heart and soul, with interuptions of sadness as I recalled Jonnae's and my experience two years ago. Occassionally, I caught myself leaving my own thoughts to sing along with the words of praise playing on the stereo. The bantering of questions and answers went on for a time. Then I noticed a hawk soaring up above and the thought occurred to me, maybe I just need to pay better attention and yet again surrender control of how and when this journey unfolds. Maybe my heightened awareness has become lackadaisic. And then, miraculously it Eagle perched in a tree just off the side of the road. In a lone tree, closer to the road than most, an eagle blended in with the barren branches, watching over the passers by. Many a passenger would go by and not even see it. First I was blown away by the fact it was there. In awe, I even turned my head as I drove past to keep my eyes on it as long as possible, wanting to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing. I was blown away with the fact it was there, and blown away even more that I had seen it, just after the inner voice told me to pay better attention . Never before have my eyes, or anyone I've traveled with, seen an eagle just off the highway. Tears flowed and peace came over me. "Even when it's difficult to see me, I'm watching over you." That's what I heard God say and felt to my core. I can't capture with words, the serenity, the love, and the miracle of what transpired, but knowing that it did is sufficient for me. His Grace is sufficient for me. I don't need understanding, answers, or a plan that plays out. All I need is Him. A gift that was delivered through Jonnae and "leuk".

1 comment:

  1. Hi Denise... I found your blog through your Twitter profile. The day you posted this particular entry was a very dark yet blessed day for our family. I'm sure you understand, as only a mother who has lost a child can. It was in the wee hours of the morning, Sun. Dec. 13, that we learned our oldest son was taken Home in a highway accident just before midnight on Dec. 12.

    I too know what it is to wonder if I am burying my feelings... but I know it is because the Lord wrapped His loving arms around me from the moment I was told. That was nine months ago, yet I still feel as if I am in a cocoon of His love and protection. He has done the same for each member of our family, right down to 11-year-old Nathaniel.

    I would be honoured if you would read what I've written about our son James by clicking on the tab bearing his name, on my blog:

    BTW, I LOVE your way of turning the negative around to the positive. I GET to. Wow.