Hit by a "brick"

Sometimes we hear something more than once before we REALLY hear it. Scripture, songs, parables, and even "I GET TO" can be that way. Or maybe we just GET TO hear them with a different ear to be blessed with new perspective. This story is such an example, for I've heard it before, but something new struck me this time:

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?" The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister ... please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop."

With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother. He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts and sometimes, when we are busy and think we don't have time to listen, He may even throw a brick at us to get our attention.

I remember being in my car - literally ( I truly believe it was the day before Jonnae's initial leukemia diagnosis in Sept of '05). I was having a silent conversation with myself on the way home from a paint job ( I had my own decorative painting business), "I want to stop and smell the roses. I really need to slow down so that I can appreciate EVERYTHING there is to this experience called life." God can answer us in strange, but powerful ways. "He won't do what makes us happy, He'll do what makes us His." (another one of those sayings I don't know who to credit, but has been a powerful tool for me to build with). God knew I wouldn't slow down on my own, so He hit my fast paced car (life) with a "brick" the next day.

Leukemia was the brick for me. When Jonnae left me in physical body, undeniable damage was left in her place. My dent is the hole in my heart from her no longer being with me (physically) because of it.

My broken heart has made me His! Every day I start with crawling up into the lap of God and asking Him to hold me, strengthen me, breathe new life into me and use me. Somedays I choose to stay right there in silence in His embrace all day. I don't leave the house and I stay in His Lap. Somedays He's like I am when my "big kids" try to sit on my lap. I tell them I love them, but my leg is falling asleep and they need to get down and go have some fun. I get a giggle out of thinking my Heavenly Father is encouraging me to get down out of His Lap. I know He loves me unconditionally and He assures me He's not going anywhere. Sometimes He even asks me to go throw a brick for Him. lol.

I could have never on my own, planned or foreseen the beauty of a brick known as Jonnae's leukemia. The book I've just released, Heavenly Birth is a brick. With the components provided by God, I've put a lot of love and labor into preparing this brick. It is a vivid and powerful reminder of Who I belong to, what my purpose now is, and how that came to be. It's made of pain, faith, miracles, and LOVE. When God directs me to throw it, I do. (I'm not His only easily distracted child, lol.)

I just read a new quote this week by Mother Teresa, "I'm a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world." Heavenly Birth is a brick, but it's also a love letter from God. How it strikes us, may not immediately make us happy, but it reminds us we are His.

I only have the confidence and strength to throw this brick because I am HIS! and therefore, I am HAPPY!!!

In Gratitude Always, in ALL ways,
Denise

My Account of a Runner's High

It's no secret I don't like cardio, so all this endurance training for the 1/2 in Denver is a real test for my "I WILL NOT QUIT" muscle. The opportunity for my practice of offering up the "pain or sacrifice" of that which I don't WANT to do, up for someone else, has increased substancially. :)

The thing that gets me out the door, is I know I've got a pretty good chance of hearing God speak to me in a profound way that I'm not often "quiet" enough to hear otherwise. Sometimes I get a "call" from Him first thing out the door. Sometimes it's as I'm finishing up. Today the "conversation" began pretty early.

I listen to Jonnae's old playlist, a lot when I run. Something always "shuffles" in that I've not heard before and it's always profound with the message it brings.

I listen to songs with a "different kind of ear" Many times when I'm listening to a secular song, I see if the lyrics are words I could sing to God, or He would sing to me. .

This morning, there was a Hot Apple Pie song (country group) and I heard the words,

"Tell me why can't I get to you?

How can I make you feel everything that I do?
If faith can move mountains, and love will see you through,
Then tell me why can't I,
No matter how I try:
Why can't I get to you?"

I imagined God was talking to me. Ofcourse He can get to me, but I've got to be open to Him first. He gets to me in the most incredible ways when I have my eyes and ears turned up for Him. If I'm distracted and I'm not hearing Him, I imagine He would feel like shaking me and say, "GIRL! Why can't I get "through" to you?", lol. That gave me a little extra kick to my stride.

Then a Martina McBride song came on, (Jonnae loved her) Sometimes a whole song works as a conversation piece for me and God, sometimes it's a verse or two. She sang: (and I heard God saying)

You say yes you need me
And no you wouldn't leave me
And that should be enough to make me stay
And even though I want to
I don't hear I love you
In whatever you say

Oh I know you can hear me
But I'm not sure you're listening
I hear what you're sayin'

But there's somthing missin'

Whether I go, whether I stay
Right now depends on
Whatever you say

So ofcourse, I'm saying, "STAY! I'm listening! You're getting to me God, I promise. What is it? What are you saying?

I've had some pretty incredible experieces this year with animals and the way God speaks to me through them. (No I don't think I'm Dr. Doolittle)

Dolphins, Leopard print, and Geese, were animals that appeared to me during significant times with very powerful messages. Now the yellow finch can be added to the list. I get so excited and anxious to share these things. Some embrace their Divine significance, some are too skeptical. I understand either stance. I haven't always been open enough to embrace that God will speak whenever and however He wants to. I just give thanks that I've evolved into a being that does now. I would hate to miss out on such a cool "visit" from God.

As I've been running the past couple of weeks, it's as if these birds are trying to run with me or into me. I've never seen one on a run before. Now they are flying for exaggerating lengths of time infront of me, crossing my path, or the last time, nearly flying into me. Each time, I've thought, I should look up what a yellow finch symbolizes when I get back. Then I would forget until it happened again. When the last little guy looked like he was going to fly right into me, I laughed and think I even said outloud, "Okay, okay".

So I came in and looked up the symbolism of the yellow finch this morning. Yep! I HEARD HIM! God's GOT ME! :) They represent God's eternal love and TRUST! How cool! Something else interesting, they symbolize heightened awareness and they are NEVER quiet. lol. They believe in the power of voice. WOWSER!!! Gotta love God's "small play". Well, some would chalk it up as "small". To me, it's quite AWESOME and HUGE!!!

My husband, Johnny, doesn't normally get into such things. (He loves nature though. It's opening weekend for the deer bowseason in KY, and he's away experiencing one of his passions) I text him about my exciting experience and he said, "Well, what does a hummingbird represent? I've been visited by one two days in a row."

I looked it up and could hardly wait to text the info back to him. The hummingbird has powerful spiritual significance and is a symbol of resurrection. The part of the soul that seemed to die, frozen in post traumatic stress, wakes up. (Johnny has really been struggling with Jonnae's passing and the fact that we cremated her, but she was adamant in letting me know that's what she wanted) Hummingbird is the creature that opens the heart. When the hurt that caused us to close our hearts gets a chance to heal, our hearts are free to open again.

Hummingbirds teach fierce independence. They fight in a way that no one gets hurt. Having the courage to refrain from creating new trauma by communicating non-violently. (I'm never quiet. I fight with loudness of voice, because like the finch, I believe in it's power. He's the one that will walk out of the room to not create "new trauma" and be non violent. Pretty interesting)

Like the hummingbird, our souls want to hover at beautiful moments in our lives, to fly back and savor the past. (Johnny's had a hard time embracing that we move forward. Everything to him is about what's in the past. He has a picture of a stairway hanging over his sink in the bathroom. It says, "I wish I could build a stairway to Heaven. I would come get you and bring you home". I told him she wouldn't come back and neither would he if he knew what she knows) Maybe the healing is finally at a point where his soul will resurrect and he can move forward with me and the children.

(No joke, just now, as I'm typing this blog, he text me and said the hummingbird just came back to him again. God is so COOL!!!)

With this kind of runner's high, I'll keep running even after the marathon is over. However, I will expect God to speak to me within a 3-5 mile run, lol.

In Gratitude Always, in ALL ways,

Denise

A Special Birthday Wish

She would have been 17 today.

To celebrate a life that continues to encourage, inspire, and give us strength, share the power of "I GET TO" with some one new, as a way to celebrate her with me today.

For those of you not familiar with this practice, don't say "I HAVE to", say "I GET TO". Gratitude is the key to overcoming adversity. You can use it in all circumstances. She didn't say, "I HAVE To have chemo". Instead, she said, " I GET TO to have chemo!", realizing children don't always have the hope of a cure. Realizing not everyone has access to medical care. Instead of saying, "I HAVE TO bury a child today." I said, "I GET TO release her into the hand of Our Loving Father". I can't describe the shift that occurs when you find gratitude in the most difficult of circumstances.

If you haven't seen Jonnae's tribute video that TTV produced for the Celebration of Life event we had for Jonnae before her "Heavenly Birth" watch it at Tribute. She talks about "I GET TO" on it.

If you have an "I GET TO" share, post it here. Let's CELEBRATE Jonnae in a special way today!

God's 3 Answers:

"Yes"

"Not Yet"

"I have something better in mind!"

I read this on a plaque this week and truly, I know it will change my life. As a person who's been impacted far too negatively by the word "No!" and the feelings of rejection that came from it, I will no longer allow it to have power over me. What was once perceived as a human "no" will now be interpreted as God's "Not Yet!" or "I have something better in mind". God knows best! I know all too well, fighting against His plan, because I'm too stuck on my own, only leads to frustration, sorrow, and exhaustion.

Nearly a year ago I heard "not yet" when I was dreaming out loud. I was frustrated by humans rejecting my dream of giving birth to a book and aggravated that God was asking me to wait. As it turns out, He had something better in mind. Now, the realization of that dream is upon me. After a long gestation period and intense labor, the baby's head is finally crowning.

When Jonnae relapsed in Sept '07, I began blogging daily for two reasons, I needed to update everyone on her condition and I needed to share what I was feeling. Things I would probably not have shared in person, were purged through my written word. It was very powerful, therapeutic, and enlightening.

I constantly heard God speaking in me and through me. As a result, the readers and I were blessed abundantly.

As I stumbled and fell through my first year without Jonnae, the words and thoughts contained in the journal, pulled me back up and gave me solid footing again. Even though I had heard the words before and HAD LIVED THEM, I needed reminded of the powerful moments and lessons they contained.

I've never wanted so badly to share something, as I do the love, joy, and peace I've found through the gift of those nine months. I was blessed as I lived them, as I recall them, and as I use them to enhance my life now. Intense pain and sorrow are contained within that time period, but the lessons that came from them are beyond invaluable.

It is my prayer, that by publishing the journal, those who weren't blessed to walk the journey with us as we prepared to let Jonnae go, will be still. I reread the journal for the first time in April and have again three times since. Each time, I'm blessed more than I anticipate, even though I know what's coming.

God is so amazing. He is my source for everything. When I allow Him to be all He is in me, I find strength, as well as rest. He gives me comfort, wisdom, love, and light. I'm in awe of where I am, considering what it took to get here. But that is GOD. With Him ANYTHING is possible!


When things seem difficult please be empowered with Jim Stovall's words in The Ultimate Gift, "Anything worth going through gets tougher before it gets easier. Learning is a gift, even when Pain is the teacher."


People from all over the world have encouraged and supported me this first year without Jonnae’s physical presence. Their and your prayers and emails have blessed me beyond measure. I couldn't possibly repay you, but I’m more than thrilled to offer something back as I share this journey with each of you. It is my prayer that you will be filled with a sense of wonder and grace as your eyes fall upon yet another one of God’s precious miracles, Heavenly Birth.

order info here

....but I don't want to!

Today was another wild and Wacky Wednesday. I do believe this dream is coming closer to being a reality.

A couple of months ago, I was getting on the elevator to head up to the 7th floor of the children's hospital (the one we stayed on through Jonnae's treatment) to get my wacky wagon and get the wild party started. A nurse asked me what I was doing. I let her know that I was there to replace the sickness with silliness and provide the best kind of medicine there is....laughter. The only side effect is a smile :)

She loved the wacky outfit I had on and the whole concept. She begged me to come to the 8th floor, which is post op recovery, and visit "her kids". She said her staff would love it too. I was more than ready to oblige, because up until this point, I had pretty much been throwing out invitations to everyone and no one wanted to join in.

For the last couple of Wacky Wednesday's the nurses on the 8th floor have been participating, wearing wiggly antenna headbands, silly hats, wigs and glasses. Today the anesthesiologist was even going around bonking people on the head with a wacky hammer that had sound effects.

The post op staff had told the pre op floor about Wacky Wednesday and they wanted us to come visit them too. The staff on that floor had not seen us before, but were eager to take things of the cart for themselves to get their kids to join in and it ended up being the best Wacky Wednesday to date. (funny thing, the volunteer leading us around had just asked who stocked the cart and how often I placed orders. I told her up until this point, I was stocking the cart with proceeds from I GET TO bracelets and ordered once a quarter. If participation continues like today, monthly orders will be necessary and I will GET TO find a corporate sponsor or establish a fundraising committee for assistance. Definitely a sign of growth and progress :)

These hospital visits are not a walk in the park for me. They are a walk down memory lane. I don't imagine many parents who've lost a child would choose to revisit the place that holds the most painful memories imaginable in one's life. There's always a lump that forms in my throat and a heavniness that lands on my heart when I'm outside, and in, the room we told Jonnae the fight against leukemia was not going to end as we'd prayed for. Most would want to forget those the void that will never be filled and things that created such sorrow....but I don't want to!

If I forget those courageous sweet sick children:

I will forget to be grateful for every healthy thing that exists in my body.I will forget to give thanks for the ability to walk and will complain about my aching back and knees. I will forget to be grateful that I have freedom and enough energy to move about and will complain about a full schedule or being tired.

If I forget those parents who feel so helpless and cut off from the world:

I will forget to be grateful for active, healthy children and will complain about running all over town for their needs. I will forget to be thankful they are teenagers and complain about how much stress they create.

I will forget to give thanks for a job and an income and complain I have too many bills to pay.

I will forget to give thanks for a good night's sleep and complain about needing to get up early.

I posted a quote in the central forum yesterday.

"Any process worth going through is going to get tougher before it gets easier. Learning is a gift, even when pain is the teacher."

There's a story behind how we found the movie, The Ultimate Gift. I'm not going to elaborate on it now, but that movie is where I heard this powerful statement.

I've learned alot from Jonnae, leukemia, and pain. If I forgot the pain, I would forget what I've learned. I would forget how to accept broken dreams and move on to something better. I would forget to not "sweat the small stuff" I would forget how to live with an attitude of gratitude or how to forgive everything and everyone. I would forget how pride, my own and that of others, contaminates a spirit-filled life.

I've been able to leave the world's way of seeing life through a cheap view finder, and have found the gift of life, in ALL things, as I see it on God's Hi Def big screen.

Abandoning the Wacky Wednesday dream and moving on to something easier would allow me to forget a lot.....but I don't want to!

How Much More Can I Stand

There are times when I'm just overcome with life. Overcome with AWE, as tragedy gives birth to unimaginable strength, love, faith, and dreams.

Of course I can speak first hand. Unless I had experienced it, I wouldn't have believed that the pain and suffering of my daughter, and saying good bye to her, would bless me in such profound and beautiful ways. I've become so in tune with Our Father, seeing Him present in ways that I had overlooked, that many overlook.

What my daughter's life and Heavenly Birth continue to produce is nothing short of incredible. Hindsight revealed the blessing of the crucifixion. Would anyone who witnessed that horrific day have believed the magnificence that would spring from it?

I don't know what's triggered this last phase of heightened sensitivity, but I find tears streaming down my face several times a day. Not tears of sorrow, mind you. My kids witness the tears and ask, "Are you okay?" To which I reply, "More than!" Just a few moments ago, it was, "Why are you crying?" I explained, "I love witnessing love!" My oldest looked to his best friend and shook his head as if to apologize, "She's so lame.", he said. I laughed and said "Then I love being lame!" And I do.

I know many feel sorry for me because of what I've been through, but I find myself feeling more sorry for those who can't get past adversity to see the gift in it. We are all so blessed and have too easy a time forgetting.

My family is big on watching movies together in the evenings. I live with four guys and a "daddy's girl", so you can imagine how outnumbered I am when it comes to pickin the movie for our viewing pleasure. I reluctantly sat down last night to watch a movie called, "Defiance". I had already stereo typed it as another one of those violent war movies that the guys love and I don't. Just another lesson in how far off we can be when we are quick to judge by a cover or outward appearance. It was a movie based on a true story about three brothers. Simple farmers who were outnumbered and outgunned, in the forest on the run from the Germans, yet they led and saved a group of war refugees as they fought for freedom. Their story was one that truly was a testament to the human spirit. I felt my gratitude for the life I've experienced, the strength and protection that comes from my faith, and the freedom that we have in this country, increasing with every minute. As the credits rolled, I wiped away tears and exclaimed to my family anyone who complains about "HAVING TO go to work" is just incredibly paralyzed in the gratitude department. We have so much to be thankful for.

Today my body has declared it a day of rest and recovery. I slept very little Friday night and got to enjoy a long day yesterday. I've been on the sofa, in our quiet home, surfing the site and enjoying a marathon of America's Got Talent. Again a show I had judged as a waste of time and as a result had not watched before. There are a lot of people wasting time pursuing fame with no talent what so ever, but tucked away in the midst of them are some incredible stories that touch the deepest part of one's heart and soul. There was a trio of sisters who were so amazingly close. You could tell how genuine their love for one another and shared passion for pursuing their dream was. Even more beautiful was a couple of teenage brothers and their sister who had discovered their talent while singing at their mother's bedside while she was in a coma. They were amazing. (an inimaginable dream born from a tragedy) A stay at home mom completely won over everyone who witnessed her voice. She's in remission, after having battled cancer for 5 years. Living a dream unimaginable. She said, "When you have hope, you keep going."

I have more than hope. I can't put it into words. I've just today experienced another one of God's revelations that's impossible to relay. Sometime's I feel as if I'm ready to self combust with the realization of God's presence and masterful plan. No being can create what God's love, mercy, and glory can. I don't wish for you to experience pain to obtain a vision that allows you to see His Hand in your life, but I sure want you to experience Him in ALL things.

I'm not sure how much more I can stand. :) God is in the details. I hope you are open to seeing, hearing, and feeling Him always, IN ALL WAYS!!!

Denise

Hope for the "knuckleheads"

"FINALLY! Poor little knucklehead! It took forty one years; a lot of mistakes, a lot of disappointment, a lot of pain,
and a lot of faith and perseverance, but she finally gets it"

what God smiled and said this morning.

It's my spirit that's developing into something more when I'm in the gym pumping iron or pushing myself through a cardio session. What I love about my workouts these days is my body is just along for the ride. (although it benefits immensely) I'm so far from where started.

I spent years being a co-dependant, people pleasing, girl, teenager, and woman needing to draw attention to myself. What that meant most of the time was using my body to do so. Why? Because I needed love and didn't know how or where to find it.

Through my confusion and discontentment, I thought having a beautiful body would compensate for what I didn't feel in my heart and soul or what I didn't like about my face. I had more control over changing the shape of my body than I did changing the look of my face and....it would get people to pay attention to me.

In highschool I dressed very differently, not in a sexual way, just an odd attention grabbing way. Through college and much of my married life, different turned into provocative. I've just very recently become uncomforable with that style of dress and the reason just struck me this morning during my workout.

Before my intent was to draw attention to myself. Now my intention is to draw attention to God. Before I needed to be praised and adored. After some real eye opening lessons, the thought of someone directing that adoration and praise to me, instead of to God, is very disturbing. I have found a self love for who God created in me, through acceptance and forgiveness for all the mistakes I've made. I know God's love in the most intimate, authentic way. No human's love can compare.

I'm in awe with the path it took to lead me to this amazing place. I've pulled off of the road at one of those breath taking "look out points". (We have those here in the mountains.) It's not a place to spend a lot of time or to take up residence. It's merely a place to take a moment and appreciate the magnificent creation of God's hand. That's what I'm doing.

The climb to this "look out" point took a lot of energy, pain, falling, forgiveness, perseverance and faith. My pain propelled me into Our Father's embrace. I misused my body, sought love in the wrong places, jeopardized my marriage and family, and let go of my daughter's physical body as God waited for me to get to here.

Our journeys and the mountains we climb in the midst of them are different, but I believe they are also very similar. We often look to receive attention from other human beings. It is my prayer that if you aren't already there, you soon look in the mirror and know the person looking back at you is the loving source you need to draw from. Ultimately it is that person you see in the mirror who needs to love you enough to look out for your best interest. People come and go. Some you want to say good bye to, some you desperately want to hang on to.

It's not love from someone else that you need, but love from within. Ultimately, no one or nothing can be our "everything" That love doesn't come from who you are on your own, but who God is in you. Peace doesn't come from what we have, but from what we are willing to give. I'm simply in awe of the journey. I'm amazed at how desperate I was for someone else to provide what I already had. When you stop looking for love outside yourself and open up to God as your source of love from within, you'll transform from "knucklehead" to "one who gets it".